Ageing. Am I Worthy? Why Is Time Just Flying Past Me?

img_4451I think I’m finally in some kind of age crisis. I turned 32 last Wednesday and couple of months before that and every day after has been just roller coaster of feels. Looking myself completely different than before, feeling like I need to rush to live through all the things “I’m supposed to” and trying to remind myself that I am okay and “still” have time.

There was this funny moment last week, maybe couple of days before my birthday, I was in a elevator and was looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that damn I look older than I thought. And then I came home later and looked at myself again in the mirror and smiled and thought that “you look really nice and beautiful”. This all in the time span of few hours. That kind of sums up how I have been feeling lately with this all, ageing and time flying past me.

It’s a funny feeling when you look at your hands and see that the skin on them isn’t that youthful as it was just a little while ago. Where did the time go?

While at the same time I could not care less anymore what others think about my looks or what and how I do and live my life, I really, really struggle with not letting certain things, opinions and vibes from others going in, so deep that they can ruin my whole day.

How do I learn how to not let others get to me on that level? I’m 32 and struggling with something so simple. There’s this huge controversy with this all. Why not care but care so much at the same time? That’s definitely my main goal in life, to one day not let all of it get to me like that.

But I have these moments of almost looking others like I’m completely standing still in my life and them doing and living and flying past me, and I can only watch them like a movie. Feeling like I’m not doing the right things. Feeling like I’m not “normal” 32 years old. Like I’m supposed to have that relationship and at least one child by now. But at the same time I feel that there’s so many people around me who are in a similar situation as me, feeling as lost and empowered at the same time. Not sure if that is a relief or if it brings even more confusion.

The evening of last Tuesday I turned my phone off, like actually off, deep down wishing and hoping that when I open it in the morning of my Wednesday birthday it will be filled with Happy Birthday wishes and love. And that is me being completely honest about how I really, truly, wished to happen.

And then when I woke up in the morning… there was one message, from a person I hadn’t had any communication for many many years. That made me feel super sad and alone and a bit embarrassed how bummed I was. I told about that all to my little Sister, and she looked at me really funny and slapped me gently on my fore head for that all. Which obviously kicked some sense in me, but at the same time I realised how basic human feeling that was, not wanting to feel alone and unloved on your birthday. In a way, I didn’t have anyone who “had” to remember my birthday outside my family. Of course I wished that my closest friends remembers it but they don’t have to, and for some reason I knew that they love me even if they don’t remember.

And few hours later, my phone was just buzzing with wishes. With words and photos in them that made me full on tear up and feel like the biggest idiot. So my feelings went from one to completely another end of the spectrum in one day. In the end I actually had the best birthdays I’ve ever had. I felt so loved and grateful in the end of it all. But it definitely made me think about this all. Because in the end it’s only one day. And I needed all of those reminders that I am good enough and lovable and that so many people really really care about me.

Why do we always feel that we’re not enough or worthy? Why is it so easy to think that about ourselves? Why all of sudden we feel old when we really still have loads of life ahead of us? Is it that we think that we’re done already? Why the doubt?

“She wants somebody to love
To hold her
She wants somebody to love
In the right way
She wants somebody to love
To hold her
She wants somebody to love
In the right way
She wants somebody to love
To kiss her
She wants somebody to love”

Zayn – She

Lately I’ve gotten very public reminders of my worth. From people who genuinely know my darkest parts, those that make you feel that you’re not worthy about yourself. I’ve always been good at helping others see and remind them of their worth but then I stumble this hard at times with seeing it myself. A forever struggle.

Maybe it’s part this year and the last year and what happened. Maybe the fact that I had to pick my pieces and really look myself in the mirror and admit that I didn’t do anything wrong and at the same time admit what I need to change to be okay and not let those hurtful things happen again. There are moments in our lives when we just stand in front of something bigger than ourselves and feel so damn small that getting past that feels too big of a task. I’ve been in that lately. The fact that my health issues and the wait for the operation on my wrist just flipped the whole year upside down. Me turning that obstacle to a challenge that I want to see more good than bad in. Me realising how much I love and yearn to be alone and at the same time miss and yearn being loved by that one special. It’s a weird combination of feelings. I realise that I am ready and that I’m not there yet. Maybe this is a good place to be, because honestly I don’t think we can ever really be ready.

I hope that I can find a balance in this all. I want to embrace this journey that is ageing and my life. Being okay with what it brings. Not feeling like I am not worthy no matter what has happened in my past. I have so much love to give and to receive. I want to learn and be in peace with patience. I want to take my life with no rush but jump bravely when it feels like that, like I’ve done before. I want to see myself how others see me, at least at times. Because even I know that I am enough and lovable and amazing!

PMA ❤

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29 Days Of Gratitude – Day 29 The Late Edition

12803124_10153971209752726_7527504342632920985_nWOW!

How time flies and makes you feel like you’ve done nothing even when you know that you’ve done crazy much…

That’s how my last week and last day of my challenge definitely was. So much, too much to be honest.

The things I’ve noticed even more when going gets rough and you feel so small in front of it all, is that with the right people in your life, you’re going to be able to push it through. It took me many many years to realise who are the right people to let close and I’m now reaping the benefits of my mistakes and teachings of those mistakes. Life is about learning, day in day out, and this matter with people isn’t any different.

I love how the ones I have the closest know exactly what I’ve gone through and in their own way can reflect it all. The fact that you’re able to be long without talking and then when you do, it feels like no time has passed. That is the best, and those people are worth keeping close.

What I’ve learned this past month is that life has a way of almost testing you until you admit what is right and what wrong, it will steer you to your right path with the right people to do what you’re supposed to do. And it’s up to you if you’re going to listen and learn or keep going and fight and fight against it all. The uncertainty of it all is actually a gift to be embraced. We only have this moment, not before or next, just now. And that is definitely something I am learning to believe and let be, to make myself appreciate truly this moment.

I can plan something in my future and I can have goals and work towards them, I can have dreams and wishes, but I just have to be patient with whatever it is and see how life goes on.

The things that are important to me now are so different and also so the same as I had before this past month. But the thing I wanted to gain from it was to be more positive and be able to let go of the negativity I held so close to me. I’ve noticed a difference in myself and I’ve also surprised myself with my openness and bravery, and how insanely relentless and strong I am. Something I seem to forget so often.

One thing that I’m 50% struggling and 50% embracing, is the fact that the past is past and I can’t let it define who I am now, because I am so far from who I was back them. My mistakes from my past are with me in certain things still in my everyday life, but I am not the same and that makes the difference. I am working and have been working hard to be better than I was before, and I know and want to believe that I’ve succeeded in that. And will keep working till my last day here. We are a work in progress forever. And I think that’s the best part, we can never be ready or done. We have to trust in what we are at that moment and see what happens.

Whenever I’ve felt the most exhausted and felt lost and like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, I’ve managed to in the end got out and be better and stronger than before. And I’ve realised that damn, that was the exact thing I needed to do and go through to be where I am now. So thank you February for almost kicking my ass, I expect you showing me something amazing in my near future ;).

LOVE. PATIENCE. GRATITUDE. EMBRACE YOUR STRUGGLES AND TRUST YOUR JOURNEY. PMA ❤

 

Wanted : Dirtbaggery Life

IMG_5394For the past 6 months at least, I have notice this change in myself. I yearn for a place that I can be alone in peace, in the middle of fields or forest or just any nature. I yearn to live more simply. With less. To have my life in a backpack and that’s it. Well, books with that, but maybe they could fit in there too.

The more I get to know who I really am, the more I know which direction I want to go. Like Buddha said “The trouble is, you think you have time.”. I feel like my life has started for the first time this year and I want to make the most of it. Not put my yearnings under a mat anymore. I want to go forward.

Now that I am working again, I yearn more of my dirtbaggery days, when I could just run and be out in the nature for a good 3 hours. But at the same time I know that without working at least a bit, I’m not able to do what I want in my future. And I am enjoying my work so it’s just an adjustment.

But balancing your dirtbaggery dreams to your “normal, grown up, proper” life, isn’t too easy. I notice how the moment I have bit of money and I talk about nothing in general level, I feel this pressure, like all of sudden I need to be able to do something. When you have no money, no one expects anything. This all might sound really selfish and dickheadish. I don’t mean that I want to free ride on others my life, no no no. I mean that I am okay to live with really little, I find that to make me feel better. But it’s not generally okay this day of the world. We need to have the best and the newest and more more more all the time!

I was once like that, but I did that to hide how I was really feeling. And after crashing and burning hard, I realized that no materialistic matter will make me happy, if I don’t take a good, long look at myself and go through those dark places to find the light, in a way.

I’m 30 now, so I have most of my life ahead of me. The last 10 years were the hardest in my life, my 20’s were not anyhow times that I feel that I need to reminisce. Well maybe if I want to remind myself of how I shouldn’t do things…

Next year, 2015, is going to be a year that I want to show myself that I love myself enough to go forward with my dreams, and not listen what others feel about them.

My ultimate dream is to be able to run as much in the trails as possible, write about things that I find passionate and live as simply as possible.

But I also feel and see this pressure now that I am back in the “real, grown up” world. All of sudden I think that my winter jacket isn’t fashionable enough, do I have shoes that make me look cool enough, I don’t have any shirt that I would like to wear… Those ridiculous thoughts that don’t mean a thing. But still they come from nowhere and torment your mind. I hate that. That’s exactly what I wanted to leave behind. This doesn’t mean that I want to not care at all how I look, I do respect the occasion where I go and the people there with the choices I do with what I have on. But I have no need or want to go into this moremoremore thinking.

My Grandpa said to me when I was younger, the best advice: ” A poor man doesn’t have the money to buy cheap”. Meaning that when you don’t have a lot of money, you have to make smart decisions with how you use your money. So at the moment I rather save money to be able to buy something really long lasting and quality whatever. These days that’s not the easiest thing to find. But I have always being inspired by Patagonias way of doing business. They have figured how to make long lasting sustainable products, with the greatest respect to the nature and keeping it alive.

I saw this amazing movie last night, “Tracks”. One woman’s journey to be in peace and alone. Walking through Australian desert alone, with three camels and a dog. After I saw the trailer I knew that I need to see the movie. It touched so close to me and my yearning. I knew exactly what she meant with wanting to just be alone. Oh, how I know that feeling! But also learning that sometimes we need help and other people too. If you go and see one movie this year, make it that one, you won’t be disappointed.

I know that I share my journey quite openly here and in my Instagram, but I don’t find me being open with my feelings that bad. I understand that it’s not the easiest thing to do for most of us. It’s not to me either, I just have learned that it helps me go forward and is therapeutic for me. And if I can inspire or motivate or what ever someone, then I am doing something good.

So, my goal from no on is to follow my heart and going towards my dreams, even when others don’t understand them. I have to be true to myself while respecting others in their dreams and choices. I don’t know yet what will be my “Tracks”, but I know that that’s what I am meant to do, to be able to stay true to myself. PMA. ❤

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