The Importance of PMA and Communities Right Now

wp-1484986650361.pngI might not be the most social person but even I understand that the importance for communities and bringing new to the table is ever more important. What maybe didn’t work few years ago, might work wonders now. We need to try. Make it happen.

The more our world is changing and the more the situation might be against us to bring new and make changes for the better, the more important it is. It might be a new running crew to your city to bring new people together and make new connections and bring that community aspect closer to some and bigger to others. It might be about that new small company that makes spices out of natures own delicious ingredients, but it’s something new and fresh and needed. It might be an on going campaign for winters, so that we have snow when the next generation is here. Whether it’s big or small, it’s needed and we have to be open with our hearts to that.

I think in many ways the generation I am part of, are trapped in this space of the “old” holding us tight and not be willing to let us make any changes or even listen to us with how their changes effect our future. But there’s a change happening, maybe it’s still grasroot to some, but it’s happening. We have to change, if the old and once maybe good doesn’t work anymore or only makes things worse.

It’s normal to be afraid of changes and taking risks, even if they look like they would make things better in the long run. Someone always have to be the first to make them. We can’t just hold to something that has always been, because it’s always been. The world changes and we need to change with it, whether it’s about how to reach people or being more minimalist with your life, it’s your choice. But if we just shut our ears and eyes of everything, we can just sit back and moan about everything and stay in our bubble.

A lot of the time the problem probably is that we don’t want to leave our bubble and learn new. From other people, cultures, foods, whatever, we are afraid of the difference so we rather leave it outside of our lives. But the more open we are to differences, the riches our lives will be. More we open our hearts the better our lives will be, that’s just a fact. Helping someone else has never been a bad thing. Never.

So let’s give each other a chance to show their side of the “story” whether we like it or not. Being respectful, humble and open are the ways to go and move forward. We can always learn more from each other.

We don’t have to understand the other but we can try, we don’t even have to like them, but we need to respect them. Hate has never solved anything. I doubt that it will start solving anything now. Use it as a fire to build new, rather than let it burn you from inside.

Let’s build new, open our hearts and remember PMA ❤

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50 / 50 Life

I feel like I’ve been living a 50/50 life. Seeing good in things but doubting them in the end. Loving myself but still putting myself down. Giving myself a break to breath but then feeling guilty of that all.

Having too much time to be only with yourself is not always the best possible situation. At least if you’re like me, really able to go deep in your thoughts and spiral with them. My mind plays tricks on me as soon as it can when all I want and need is a break from all of that.

The last two months or actually more than that, I’ve been without a daily rhythm after my wrist operation, and I still have little over a month to go. I had big plans for this summer, but things changed when I got what I wished for long, the operation to fix my broken wrist. So there’s that 50/50 again, having something you really wanted but having to let go of plans that you had bubbling in your head for so long. My social summer changed to a boring day by day challenge of accepting my healing body.

One of the main goals for me the last year or so has been to be more social. My super introverted self has wanted to be alone and have my own space for way longer than that. There’s that 50/50 again. The annoying truth is that I’m extremely shy but able to be very social when with people, I use that skill as a shield. But I don’t know how to have a balance, I tend to go from one end to another. Doing so much at once that I’m exhausted for days afterwards, and then feeling like I’m missing out and feeling lonely. Loving the fact that I have friends these days who contact me, something I wanted for so long, but feeling overwhelmed and tired of receiving all that attention. There’s that 50/50 again.

Now that I have my own place again, one of my biggest “fears” was that it’s so easy for me to be only on my own that what if I start doing that too much again. There’s part of me that will probably always do that. To rather say No to things people invite me than Yes, even if I will regret it later on. But I would love to find the courage in me to say Yes more. To be more with people and show myself that it’s possible to be less 50/50. So I’m asking my friends if we could see. I even started a running group, though not realising before now that that’s quite social thing from me to do…

Through that group I’ve met new people, pretty much every week, having to be social even if I’m scared of that one on one contact. I’ve always been better with groups than one on one, when the person is new to me. I have to put myself in front of those people and show them how to warm up and lead the runs. And to be honest I’ve been absolutely terrified of it all, but every Wednesday I do it and feel great after wards. Maybe without realising I did myself a huge favor with starting something that in the end scares me the most.

Today when I was running I was thinking that why does it always have to be so black and white, so 50/50. Why I love my deep blue eyes and my face and how it’s certain in it’s shape, and then feel so insecure and even disgusted on those worst days of certain parts of my body. Why a year ago I was in the best shape of my life and ran and ran and was so happy, and now I’m struggling with my body image and my weight and feeling confused and uncertain of this all. Why is it so hard to keep a rhythm of doing things. When I stopped moving regularly, I stopped writing regularly, and both of those mind and body activities became very hard to keep or start again. Now, the more I run the more I feel I want to write. And naturally the better I feel.

I’m not there yet, I’m on my 50/50 road to learning how to balance this all again. Learning to love myself once more.

Slow and steady. Even when it sucks.

PMA ❤

Loneliness Or Just Reflecting Yourself?

photo by Anni Vaara

photo by Anni Vaara

That loneliness in a crowd feeling. It creeped up on me last weekend at my dear friends surprise birthday party. It crept and didn’t leave me be for couple of days.

I haven’t felt alone or lonely in really really long time, and now it just hit me hard. Maybe it’s part of me being an introvert and not feeling too comfortable in a group of people that are all social and bubbly and me not knowing most of them, and not being that much into going and asking someones name and starting a conversation. I instantly feel like some third wheel on a completely another level… I just wanted to leave the whole thing and not feel like that.

Maybe because I’ve been so much surrounded with people that are close friends of mine or who I get along great with, that I haven’t had this feeling in a long time, or maybe I’ve just been so busy at my work that I haven’t had any of these changes to be all lonely in a group.

There was few things that made me feel like I didn’t belong, first pretty much all the people there were in a relationship and there with their halfs, and I have nothing against that, I love seeing people happy. But something in it made me feel very alone and weird, like I wasn’t enough like I am, without someone. But at the same time I felt a bit, after a long time too, that it would be nice to have someone at times to share some parts of my life. Not all the time, everyday yet but at times, like Sundays haha, you probably get the point. But it would be very nice to cuddle next to someone who makes me laugh and feels comfortable and likes to spend time with me and wants to get to know me better.

“…You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.”

– J.R.R. Tolkien

I am definitely at a point in my life where I’m learning, the last pieces, to put myself first and enjoying what that all can bring, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to feel special at times too. There’s something about that feeling when you get a text from someone who instantly makes you smile. But then I’m thinking if I would even have time to have someone in my life, probably the easiest would be to have someone in another country so it would be hard to feel bad that you want to be alone and not feel guilty that you just want to take things very slow and learn who the other one is, see each other from time to time to see how you feel.

Though, is that really possible?

Somethings that I really won’t compromise anymore are that I won’t be anything else that I am, I’ve done so many compromises with that in the past years in relationships that no more, thank you. If you want me to be something I’m not, please keep moving, I have no interest with the same love, that just breaks me and makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me and how I love.

Maybe that was why I felt surprised by that deep lonely feeling, I haven’t truly felt like that in a long time, it felt new almost. Almost like I am not enough or like there’s something wrong with me, which is all bullshit, there’s nothing wrong with me and I am more than enough!

“I am mine. Before I am ever anyone else’s.”

– Nayyirah Waheed

I feel like these days we want to make everything so hard with all these million ways of communication and it just makes me feel confused and yearn to those old days when you called to the one you were interest in and talked and maybe saw them and that’s it. Maybe it’s me, I am so open and honest with everything, without a filter with my feelings that I tend to freak others out. Then again, I don’t want to filter myself because I wouldn’t be who I am if I would.

Maybe it was good to feel a bit lonely like I did last weekend, it reminded me that I have a tendency to feel like that in a group without it really meaning that much more. I just like to be in a smaller group of people and not have to be super social with unknown people. And it was good to me to admit that I would like to have some warmth from another person in my life. And there’s nothing wrong with that either. But it’s also good to admit that I wouldn’t want or be ready for a serious relationship now. So all in all, it was good to feel how I felt. To reflect all that is and has been going on. Maybe there’s someone that makes me smile these days, maybe he knows. All I know is that my life is good as it is at the moment, but cuddles and those different kinds of hugs are welcome too. And I have to remember and maybe wish that we all remember, that we all were strangers to each other once.

LOVE. HARD. UNFILTERED. BE YOURSELF. PMA ❤

 

Curious About Life

IMG_1703Curious about life and what it has in store for me. All about that life at the moment.

It’s bubbling in my veins almost, yearning to learn more and more daily, to learn how new me works, yearning to know some people more and more, need of enjoying myself more than before.

It’s probably partly because of my job, but I’ve waking this childlike yearning in myself for learning to know more. It’s been really long since the last time that I’ve felt like I’m not afraid of the new. Of course I’ve been pretty fearless in my jumps to unknown the past years but while all of them and breaking myself free from all those shackles that held me back for so many years.

“I will not apologize for evolving past your comfort zone.”

I’ve been pulled back to being more without anything extra, being more in the nature, even for a little walk around the block for that fresh air. I’m feeling like I have too much stuff, which you would laugh at if you knew the “amount” I have. But I’m just yearning back more and more to that last springs less is more feeling. I’m dreaming of actually going and doing some hiking and camping next summer. Maybe finally in Scotland, after all this time dreaming of it. And I actually would like to share that all with someone, for the first time in my life. To share something that is beautiful and where you can be in silence without feeling uncomfortable.

There’s something in me that I don’t know, that makes me feel curious about everything now. Curious about knowing some people better, curious about visiting places again that I used to feel like I could breath free at. But at the same time, I’m not in a hurry, but I am ready to give different things a proper chance.

“I’m thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t stumbled across my strength.”

I have a feeling that this all has something to do with the fact that my life is better than ever before. I have more love and happiness in my life than ever before. I have insanely amazing support in my friends and family. I have a job that I truly enjoy and get to better myself at, and which is a grown up job, first for me. So maybe my curiosity comes partly from the fact that I’m not used to feeling this okay with everything. Maybe it’s something that has been wanting to come out but I’ve just suffocated it for so long.

“You are under no obligation to be the same person you were a year, a month, or even 15 minutes ago. You have the right to grow. no apologies.”

I’m just more honest with myself, open to who I am, have more courage and feeling strong and confident. I know who I am and what is my worth. Finally.

I do not need to change a thing in myself.

I deserve all the love and happiness in my life, just like everyone else does too.

PMA ❤IMG_1846

 

Let’s Be Honest… About Love

IMG_1016-0I’ve written quite a few times about love, but probably never this honest. About how it really makes me feel and how it has changed over the years and how I feel about it now. So, let’s be honest… About love.

“Accept that you deserve more than painful love. Life is moving. The healthiest thing for your heart is to move with it.”

I’ve always been really brave when it comes to love, and now I’m finding myself being terrified of it. I feel like my trust and wings have been burned so badly in my last two relationships. I’ve grown, learned and loved more than ever before in those two. But also, really been hurt more than before. Felt like I’ve been stabbed with something that I didn’t want to believe really exists. The thing that sometimes people aren’t too nice to you, whether you’ve been good to them, it doesn’t always matter.

This subject isn’t an easy thing to write about, at least when it comes to really being honest. Love is one of those things that makes the world go round. I’ve learned finally, after hating myself for so long, to love myself. I have more love than ever before in my life. I have friends that I truly love and who love me. I’ve learned to love without expecting anything back, which is how you should love. I’ve always been a huge believer in love, that it will conquer all else, without even always understanding why I do believe so. Maybe because of that, I’ve gotten hurt so bad. Because I want to believe that people aren’t bad and that they don’t mean to hurt you. But even though how much I love, I can’t fix someone else if they aren’t ready to fix themselves. I can only love. But sometimes it’s love to walk away. To let go and take care of yourself first. That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve finally learned and really understood.

“She’s known sadness, and it has made her kind.”

-Nathan Filer, The Shock of the Fall

I needed to get hurt and treated really badly to get mad enough to understand that I deserve so much better than I thought before. Being too nice, and believing the best always can be sometimes bad thing too. People love to use that kindness for their own good. I’ve been there for people who have just used me. Which I really shouldn’t have been tolerating, it was wrong on so many levels, but I wanted to believe in the good. But when the other person sucks the positivity and happiness out of you, you need to let go.

I remember when I felt really strongly that without having someone in my life, I’m not whole. Now I am enough alone, which I absolutely love. But I think I would love to share my life with someone. But for the first time in my life I don’t feel like I need that, I have a great life without that too. But I also am afraid, for the first time, that will I ever find or be found by someone.

I didn’t have a crisis when I turned 30, but I feel that I am having one now, or at least having thoughts about this all. I’m not worried about what to do with my life, or my work life, or any of that. I know that those will figure themselves out. I trust in that. I wasn’t ready to give myself a chance to really show what I can do before, I am now and I am getting those opportunities. But I am having these moments when I think that will I be a Mom one day before it’s too late, or if it’s even possible. I am turning 32 next March, I know that I am not old but I do feel this weird pressure at times when I am surrounded by my age peers who have those things, family and relationships. And still, I don’t feel like I need to really do anything “extra” about it. There’s a hope in me that wants to believe that it will work out too.

Then again, I don’t think I have been ready before to really be loved, ever. I’m still learning the whole thing of how to love myself. Getting pretty good at it, even if I say it myself. Maybe this is one of those things that takes time to be ready. Maybe I am getting ready for that all now.

“Love is patient, and that is the hardest part of love.”

-T.B. LaBerge, Unwritten Letters to You

One thing that makes me think that, and this whole thing in a completely different way, is that right now I have a crush. I have one of those things where you kind of like someone, but have no idea what to do with that whole thing. I’ve lost my bravery when it comes to that. I would love to be brave enough to say it to that person, but I am so afraid. The fact that I have been hurt and my trust have been used in the wrong way, it’s hard to take that step and open my heart,  for that possible rejection. Which in a way would be a relief, because then I could “release” this feeling. I actually really hate that there’s couple of people who were able to shake that hard work built trust in me. I’ve had so much trust issues since my childhood and I’ve worked really hard to understand other peoples behaviour doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with me.

With all that’s happened, I’ve found myself being afraid of the things I love the most. I do know, inside of myself, that I do deserve all the love just like anyone else. But I also do tend to think in those dark moments that what if that’s not meant for me. And then I get a bit bored of that old me and shake that off. Why wouldn’t I deserve it all?! Why would I be some kind of exception?

It’s weird to be in a situation with yourself that you really are happy with your life as it is, without needing to have someone in it. To have that change from need to choice. To being in a situation where you can honestly say, I wouldn’t need someone in my life, but I would love to share my life with someone. I’ve never been in this place with myself before. It’s really confusing and amazing at the same time.

“We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realise we only have one.”

-Tom Hiddleston

It’s also funny how I used to, when I was a lot younger, confused sex with love. How I used that physical attraction to believe that someone likes me, or even loves me. I think that’s part of the journey to you as you. You need to, or I needed to find my way through all that. How easy it is to hurt yourself in that search too. I remember how I finally, long time ago, decided that I want to stop that and really find what makes me happy and how I see myself. And how different it is to be in that situation when you are healed and good with yourself. To enjoy those moments of grown up pleasure with someone without needing it to be something else. To feel confident and sexy and strong, sensual grown woman. Being confident and happy with your skin, finally!

One really funny thing to notice is that I suck big time at flirting when I actually am interested in someone, possibly liking them. I can easily flirt and tease when there’s not any real “thread” of the situation going anywhere, but now when there’s someone on the other end that I really would love to get to know more, I get shy like never before and don’t have a clue of what to say. Maybe trying too hard, and then deciding to not say anything at all. I don’t get easily too silent, I’ve always been quite loud and talkative, and now… nothing. I wish and miss sometimes that brave me that was able to just say that “hey, I like you, and I think I am interested in you”. Where’s that me now? Am I protecting myself because of my past or what?

Also, when you come to this age, over 30, there comes this new aspect of being and meeting new people. We all have different kind of baggage than before, when we were younger. There might be kids, marriages or other “bigger” situations that we heal and move on from. That means that we all might have a bit more “protection” around us and not so much of that yeah let’s jump to this. I have to be honest, I am definitely afraid of getting hurt again. But then there’s this tiny voice in me that reminds me that if I don’t jump I never know.

One thing that I really almost hate at times these days, is the way social media is making things wayyyy harder to understand. I suck big time in understanding what the other one means when I text or chat with someone. I’m old school and I would way rather talk on the phone or meeting face to face. We throw emojis around like nothing and then when you think someone is being all cute to you, they write those same emojis to someone else and you are confused as fuck. All those winky emojis and no idea what they mean. Maybe it’s my old school self, that introverted and shy one that would love to think that some things are only for someone special, which almost sounds ridiculous now that I am writing it down here. What I’m saying here is that it’s not easy to be and want to be as open hearted as I would love to be in this world of ours these days.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

– Amy Poehler

The thing is, I think I’ve finally understood what loving someone means, or is about. I love myself in a way I never thought possible, I love my friends and others with a fiery heart, which I am very proud to own. It would be very easy to me to go back to that old miserable one who didn’t think that I would ever find someone and deserve anything good, it would. But then again, I just am nothing like that one these days. It’s okay to be terrified of love, damn it should be terrifying when you open yourself and jump to unknown with no idea what will happen on the other end. It would also be very easy to get all bitter and hate on guys, but then again, I’ve always been the other one in every situation I’ve been. So I can’t really hate on only the other one and not take any responsibility of the situation and what has happened and how I’ve reacted. In every situation with two people, there’s two people dealing it too. If I can be honest with myself with how I dealt it all and how I am dealing it, I’m good. I can forgive and let go, whatever there is to forgive and let go of.

I guess what I’m realising while writing this is that it’s okay to be afraid of love and what happens in my future, but it’s not good enough reason to stop loving and trying and being brave. What do I really have to lose?

“In the end, I want my heart to be covered stretch marks.”

-Andrea Gibson

PMA ❤