Live. Learn. Grow. Move On.

I didn’t have any kind of crisis when I turned 30, I was just happy to get a clean start, but I feel like I’m in some search momentum in my life now. Wouldn’t say a crisis, but a search of a bigger picture of myself, yes.

Live

If something, I have lived. Ups and downs more than one could need. Struggle that’s only made me stronger than I ever thought possible. Even through it all, I’m happy for all the heartbreaks and losses and struggles. I would not be anywhere close to who I am now without them, and where I am now is the best I’ve ever been. And I always wished when I was younger that that day when I’m in a rocking chair I would have stories, I do have those and keep living to have more of them.img_3042Learn

I could’ve chosen easier routes and roads to go forward but I’ve always chosen the ones that make me learn the most. Not easy, but worth it. I’m in a point in my life where I know that I won’t have unlimited amount of time, so I want to do the things now that I want and dream, but I don’t want to rush my life just experiencing. Things have a habit of figuring themselves out, if I just trust that. All have before so all will in my future too. Trust that gut of yours and don’t try to control everything too much. Risks are always worth taking. And, never, ever loose that yearn to learn more.

“If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself.”

-Nikita Gill

Grow

I might be almost 32, but that doesn’t mean that I have to be where the majority of my peers are. I don’t need to do and live my life in a way that is expected in some grand scheme of things. All will happen that is meant to happen, and what won’t doesn’t mean that my life wouldn’t be successful and fulfilling for me. But I’ve needed to grow to understand that some things I yearn won’t wait, I need to do what I have bubbling in me. I also don’t feel like I need to wait to say “those” things to people, if I have something that I want to be honest about. I’ve grown enough with myself to be sure and strong woman that I don’t need to take whatever people throw at this world to each other. It’s okay for me to stand up for myself and keep myself on the number one spot. So let yourself grow to that person you have in you, let that amazing You come out. I’m learning and growing into that person every damn day.

“Being both soft and strong is a combination very few have mastered.”

-Yasmin Mogahed

Move On

Let go of those people, things, habits, whatever you are dragging with you. Those things that hold you back from being the best you, you can be. We aren’t going to be here forever and you and I owe it to ourselves to be honest to ourselves and let go of all that negativity, and just be truthful and happy with what we have. The freedom you get from letting go is insane. But give yourself time for all that work that you need to grieve, to be mad, to be sad, to cry, to let go, to forgive and especially forgive yourself. And in the end and through it all, lovelovelove yourself. You deserve only good in your life, whatever it is that makes you happy and feel good, give that space to yourself and let go of all unnecessary. And remember that is completely okay to move on. And also remember, you are only a human, you don’t have to be able to take everything. You make mistakes, that you move on from. It’s all good.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

-Rumi

PMA ❤

https://vimeo.com/145243044

Less Is More, Once Again…

“Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.”

– Louis C.K.

I’ve definitely felt a bit unsure and lost lately with myself. There was a moment of time when I just couldn’t point to what it was that was making me feel like that. And then it hit me, there’s been way too much stuff going on and I haven’t truly respected my sensitive and introverted side.

So without really thinking that this is what I need to do, this weekend I just spend time with myself, doing things that make me feel good and more at peace.

The fact that this world moves so fast and you feel a lot of times that you have to be ON all the time, can feel suffocating and so tiring. Especially if you’ve gone through something big in a span of really little time. Like I did just a week ago. For a while I’ve felt like I need to calm certain parts of my life to be able to be good at what I do and want to do. But I felt lost at how to do that simple thing.

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by Nayyirah Waheed

Yesterday evening it hit me, with the most peaceful way possible. I was doing something that I’ve wanted to do so many times, but just have pushed away. I cleaned my phones photos of all that is ready to be deleted. Over 500 photos. While I was doing that, I wrote down on my notebook those quotes and poems and whatever I had screenshots of. When I was writing them down, I noticed how much I’ve changed in the span of the time I’ve saved them on my phone. It was exhilarating writing certain ones down and just deleting some with the notion that that is not me anymore. Same went with certain photos. It was good to go through them and in a way let go of those things that needed just that.

But what was even more important to notice was that I needed to be on my own and have no distractions around me except the ones I’ve chosen to have. Listening to my favorite music, vibing at times to it. Writing my own things down. Having that quality time with yourself when you truly are enjoying your own company.

I also realized that the fact that I wasn’t doing really anything on my computer was a big part of that peaceful feeling in me. Earlier during the day I had read multiple articles that I’d saved and at times wondered if I ever get around to really read them, now I did. And not doing anything else than that was freeing. I needed that small detox from the super fast paced world that makes us believe that we need to be there and ON all the time. It’s super hard to move on and find who you are when you are bombarded with information all the time. It’s easy to get lost in that all. I certainly did. It’s like you need to be hungry to all of it all the time to be able to be productive, but what it’s really doing is eating your interest in anything properly.

I’ve been really yearning for my old want to write and get things out of my chest in that way, I’ve missed my peace. I’ve felt lazy and super unproductive. And what that week alone in Stockholm woke in me, was that I need that alone time with nothing distracting me. Which is hard to do as I’m still so much of a creature of certain habits. I check my Instagram very often and when I don’t I feel all confused and like I’ve missed so much, when all I am is tired of scrolling through something that I’ve been able to live without while they’ve been posted. Life goes on without me being ON. Which can be scary but at the same time it’s so freeing. But this weekend I had almost like a mini detox from it all. I also had the courage to say to two of my friends I had plans with that, I’m sorry but I need to be on my own now. Something that felt a bit hard to say because I didn’t want to let them or our plans down but knew that I just wouldn’t be good company now if I won’t be on my own enough. Thankfully they understood.

I’ve been thinking a lot of how I am able to be both of “me” at the same time, how am I able to bring together those different sides of me that I’m not always sure how to even be. But feel that I am both without the need to compromise. That’s a thing I have almost like a goal for this year to figure out and get to know myself in that way that I am able to “jump” from one to another without confusion and a feeling that it’s wrong.

It’s easy for me to feel that I need to compromise with them, not being brave enough to be both at the same time. So it’s a learning process. Just like it’s a learning process for me to take my own time without feeling guilty about it.

When you get to know yourself better and better, you stumble across these moments when you realize that you need some planning on how to live your life to be able to live it the way you feel the right for you. And I’ve never been big on planning and now I almost crave some guidance in how I can plan my time better to get those moments of nothing for myself too. Not doing anything moments, without feeling guilty about them.

There’s something really sacred in those moments. Whether you spend them just being, or reading those articles you’ve saved, or that book you’ve decided you read this month, or listening to music, or going for a run. But without them I would be useless in other moments when I need to be able to productive and able to do what I need to do. I am learning, the hard way, how that all works. Slow and steady but getting closer to what works with me the best.

Whether it means that I spend less time on my computer or plan my days better or clear the clutter on my surroundings and while doing that feel clearer in my head, I need to do it. I want to be productive at work without any extra clutter messing my head, and then I want to be able to not be tired afterwards because of the pure amount of stimulus coming from all over the place. I want to be able to be with my friends and not have to cancel plans because I haven’t been on my own enough. Balance is the key and I am in serious need of learning that once more.

Here’s to mistakes and learning from them. Realizing that you’re only a human and that’s okay. ❤

“The biggest lesson I’ve learned is it’s okay. It’s okay for me to be kind to myself. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to get mad. It’s okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to move on.”

– Hayley Williams

PMA ❤

Curious About Life

IMG_1703Curious about life and what it has in store for me. All about that life at the moment.

It’s bubbling in my veins almost, yearning to learn more and more daily, to learn how new me works, yearning to know some people more and more, need of enjoying myself more than before.

It’s probably partly because of my job, but I’ve waking this childlike yearning in myself for learning to know more. It’s been really long since the last time that I’ve felt like I’m not afraid of the new. Of course I’ve been pretty fearless in my jumps to unknown the past years but while all of them and breaking myself free from all those shackles that held me back for so many years.

“I will not apologize for evolving past your comfort zone.”

I’ve been pulled back to being more without anything extra, being more in the nature, even for a little walk around the block for that fresh air. I’m feeling like I have too much stuff, which you would laugh at if you knew the “amount” I have. But I’m just yearning back more and more to that last springs less is more feeling. I’m dreaming of actually going and doing some hiking and camping next summer. Maybe finally in Scotland, after all this time dreaming of it. And I actually would like to share that all with someone, for the first time in my life. To share something that is beautiful and where you can be in silence without feeling uncomfortable.

There’s something in me that I don’t know, that makes me feel curious about everything now. Curious about knowing some people better, curious about visiting places again that I used to feel like I could breath free at. But at the same time, I’m not in a hurry, but I am ready to give different things a proper chance.

“I’m thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t stumbled across my strength.”

I have a feeling that this all has something to do with the fact that my life is better than ever before. I have more love and happiness in my life than ever before. I have insanely amazing support in my friends and family. I have a job that I truly enjoy and get to better myself at, and which is a grown up job, first for me. So maybe my curiosity comes partly from the fact that I’m not used to feeling this okay with everything. Maybe it’s something that has been wanting to come out but I’ve just suffocated it for so long.

“You are under no obligation to be the same person you were a year, a month, or even 15 minutes ago. You have the right to grow. no apologies.”

I’m just more honest with myself, open to who I am, have more courage and feeling strong and confident. I know who I am and what is my worth. Finally.

I do not need to change a thing in myself.

I deserve all the love and happiness in my life, just like everyone else does too.

PMA ❤IMG_1846

 

Feeling Myself – Body Positive Post

Yeah, that's me. Few tattoos less but all me.  Photo Joni Helminen

Yeah, that’s me. Few tattoos less but all me.
Photo Joni Helminen

Body positive. Feeling myself. All the self love. Being proud of who you are and loving it all.

That is definitely happening in my life these days. For few months my confidence about myself and especially about my body has just soared, like it has been kept secret and all of sudden I’m allowed to let it all out. I’ve never felt this good about carrying myself when I’m out and about. When I see myself these days on the mirror or a window or whatever, I look at myself and I am genuinely proud. Usually I even say to myself that I look damn fine. Something I should’ve done for so long, but better now than never.

As women, we are supposed to be crazy sexy and this and that all the time, but at the same time we aren’t supposed to be happy with who we are. We shouldn’t be happy with our bodies, because we’ve been told for most of our lives that we aren’t enough and we should be skinnier and have bigger boobs or whatever comes next. I’ve definitely gone through all the changes with myself and still always felt that I’m just not enough. But that fight is finally over. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s the change in myself, maybe it’s all the life experience that I have behind me. Whatever it is, it’s over.

I’m finally happy and proud of my body and who I have inside of it. Damn I love the confidence I carry now. I’m not perfect, and I love that. I feel the sexiest when I’m me. And that’s probably the biggest compliment ever in my life.

Today when I was walking in the city, here in Copenhagen, I was just blown away by the attention I got from guys. Seriously, I’m not used to stuff like that. As someone whose from Finland, where people don’t really go all out on the compliments, this is new to me. Or the other end that I got in Germany, those nasty catcalls and any sexual harassment choices you can think of, that only made me feel unsafe. So when my experiences are something like that, getting nice smiles, looks that are almost appreciative, genuine nice compliments feels pretty damn nice. They boost the confidence I had about myself. Which is the best way to take them. I don’t need them to make me feel confident and sexy, because I feel pretty hot anyways, but they sure make me feel nice.

My body has gone through so much over the years that the fact that I am happy with what I have now, is a miracle. But I’ve found who I am through it all. I don’t need to dress sexy to feel sexy. For example today, I was wearing basic white t-shirt, blue jeans and Blundstone boots, wouldn’t say first that those make you get all the boys to the yard. BUT, this is the thing, I felt damn good in them. I felt that I can conquer the world. I was wearing something that made me feel like me and confident.

And this is a great example that less is more, as in wear what makes you feel confident. Not wear less clothes, or if that makes you feel confident do that. Because we all have different ways to feel confident. But do the thing that really feels good to you.

One of the best feelings in the world is when you just feel yourself and that might come with age, but damn I’m loving it all. When you can just say that I look damn fine and mean it and be proud of it all. You might sound like you’re bragging, I don’t care. Be goddamn proud if you feel like that. IMG_8050

Once I said to myself that I am okay with little extra on my booty and thighs, and that my boobs aren’t as they were before, and that you can see the life I’ve lived on my skin, my life got so much better. Seriously, the moment I accepted who I am. Once I stopped saying that there’s something wrong with me, damn life got better. I want to look and feel real. I want to be strong in and out. I want to be proud of all the hard work I put in and what you can see on my body. I never want to see too skinny, because that’s not me. I want to have a little junk in the trunk, because that makes me feel sexy. I want to be able to sway my ass when I walk and feel feminine. And of course I want to be able to shake that junk on the dance floor.

I love that I have friends who are genuinely proud of their bodies just like they are. Damn we are hot! I get so much power from those ladies, celebrating their gorgeous bodies, in their own ways and in so different bodies. All in all, we all should be proud of what we have. We should accept that perfect is not what we should be, but be real. Real is always better than what you’re not.

My definition of sexy is very different than someone else’s but that’s the beauty of it, we are different and that’s what we should be. I might be wearing the simplest things but if I feel damn hot in them, it shows. It’s that bit of a mystery that makes it all more sexy, in my mind at least.

When you are okay with yourself, with all your imperfections and scars, world just becomes so much better. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never have ugly days or days when you feel like shit, that is normal but if the majority of time you love yourself, you’ll be on the right track.

And couple important things I’ve learned the last couple of years. First, if you’re not happy with something, change it, do not complain about it but are not willing to do anything. Second, when you change, it doesn’t mean that your closest people will see it and say something, so do not expect that boost coming from outside, it has to come from yourself first. If you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t be happy. Point blank.

Things that make me feel sexy in my body: my strong muscular legs, my soft and round booty and hips, my waist that has found it’s shape and is feminine, my small breasts, my wide and warrior like shoulders, my strong jawline and high cheekbones, my crazy blue eyes, my thick hair and my teeth gap.

Things that I’ve learned to do with my body and make me feel confident and sexy: I’ve studied my body and it’s curves and lines and learned how to use them, I’ve danced so much that I’ve learned how to use my body how I want to, I’ve done so many different physical things with my body that I know what it can do and how much it endures, the fact that I am able to do things that many will never even think about makes me feel pretty damn hot, I’ve looked at myself naked so much that I’ve seen myself in many different weights and changes, but ended up being happy with the skin I live in.

I also started doing this thing couple of years ago, and it really works. Every day, when you see yourself in the mirror, always say something nice about yourself to yourself. Preferably out loud. Say I love you. You look good girl. I’m proud of you. Whatever it would be, say it, be proud of yourself and say positive things to yourself and you’ll start seeing yourself in a more positive way. Remember what you think and say to yourself, you become and feel, and your body will believe just that. If it’s negative you will feel shitty and carry the pain in you, and your body will react in that way. If it’s positive, you will feel good and your body will thank you with ability to do what you want.

“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.” – Epiphany

When I end my posts with the letters PMA, I mean them. I actually have them tattooed on my arm. The funny thing is that I got them when I was very far from being and living that, Positive Mental Attitude. Maybe it was a sign that one day I’ll learn the meaning of them. I definitely have. What it means for me is just that, trying to have a positive attitude to everything in life, take those bad and shitty days and moments with an attitude of gratitude and learn from them all. All that comes back to how I see myself and my body. I would not be able to see myself like I do these days without my whole mindset changing. It’s impossible. We are a whole thing, not one part good and others bad.

As a woman, as a big sister, I want to be an example to others and younger girls that being who we are is so powerful. I want to show that being honest and raw and real are so amazing. That mistakes and scars are the thing that makes us beautiful. That sex and being sexy is so much more than being naked and in tiny clothes. That being a bit different is so good. And smile is always the best accessory to carry with.

So all in all, attention from guys is a nice bonus, but not the definition of who I am or how hot I feel I am. That all needs to come from myself, I need to see myself in that way and then others see it too.

Let’s be proud of what we have, all that we have. Don’t ever let someone make you feel like the real you is bad! Let’s celebrate our differences. Let’s celebrate our curves, our skinny sisters, all the shapes and sizes there is. We all are equally beautiful! Who run the world, GIRLS! ❤

PMA ❤

Living, Not Training

Why is it always, I’m training for something, not I’m living the life where I’m able to run races or play this or whatever. Why training?

This came to my mind today on my run. The word training somehow makes the task sound so much bigger and harder. At least for me. And it also makes the whole thing feel a bit more of a task that I have to do, not so much I get to do.

So I decided that my approach from now on is that I am Ultra living, not in Ultra training.

Because I’m not just going to stop this after my first race. I want this all to be part of who I am, like it’s becoming to be. I enjoy myself to the max on my long runs, but I’m not doing them only to be ready for my race, I’m doing them mostly because they make me the happiest. This is part of who I am, not only something for some period of my life. It’s a constant evolving me, struggles and all!

The thing is, that when I dropped the word training from my mind, the pressure got a lot easier. It’s not that I have to do anything, it’s because I get to do something I love. Too often I read how people talk about runs that they really don’t want to do during their training for a marathon or something similar. I think we should change our mindset about it all. And remind ourselves that we chose to do this because we love this shit and how hard it makes our life at times but shows how much we love it at the same time.

So, less pressure of nonsense and more smiles from the stuff that we love, even when it’s hard!

#ultralivingnottraining 🙂

PMA ❤

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