Being Me Is My Crown

” ‘Cause if I don’t follow my heart this time,
I’m gonna forget what this life is all about,
I’m gonna take that path, I’m going in on my own,
I’m gonna take that fear and wear it like a crown.”

– Rebekka Karijord – Wear It Like A Crown

I’m not sure if I know how to write anymore… It’s been quite a long time since I last even wanted to write. I miss those days when I had this yearning and just needed to write, to get those thinking thoughts out of me. I don’t even remember the last time I felt like that, or maybe a bit this past week, like something is slowly bubbling back in me. I think I need to run those thinking thoughts back again…

It’s funny how two things that basically saved my life few years back are the two things I’m missing now the most and finding the hardest to get back to my everyday life. It’s like I’m afraid of them, and most of the time that is the exact thing that starting them again makes me feel, fear.

Most of 2016 I was afraid, afraid of basically anything. It’s like we’re so afraid of loosing ourselves in anyway possible that we forgot to live our lives. Whether it’s our bodies, or not wanting babies, or doing something out off the norm or being selfish and taking care of yourself while that also meaning that we need to “eliminate” the issue to feel better. Admitting your reality is hard, being selfish is hard, being able to stand in front of yourself and admit your limits is hard, needing time is necessary but means that you need to build and make boundaries for yourself and others. That shit is hard.

But then I decided that I want to start this year without all of that. Like one of my favs, The Staves, sings “No Me, No You, No More”. Enough of that now. I want to be me again, the one I know I have been, am and will be. And when I listened to my deepest self and did those painful decisions that are good to myself, I felt so good and this massive weight just got lifted from my heart and shoulders. I was free.

Too often we keep holding on to people, situations, ideas that aren’t good to us by the sheer thought that freeing ourselves makes us a shitty person. It’s human to be nice to people but being too nice with the consequences that you forget to be nice to yourself first. Sometimes working for it just isn’t the right thing to do, sometimes saying that “we’ve gone through so much” isn’t enough of a reason. Sometimes giving up for the better is the right thing to do. Sometimes we need to make room for better things we deserve in our lives. That’s it.

It’s weird writing again, for so many days I wanted to do this, but felt like I don’t know anymore. This whole thing started with me being extremely open and honest about everything. Then 2016 came around and I felt this need of pulling back with this all, I felt that for the first time I need to build some privacy around my life. I needed time for myself, only for myself to figure all that was going on. The last months of 2016 I needed that even more. But the last couple of weeks of last year I got the best reminders of love and luck while battling the biggest losses of my life. It doesn’t always feel fair but if you pull yourself back from the situation and think about it all with listening to your gut, you will find the answers that you knew to be there already.

I have no resolutions for 2017, no plans to do this or that. I pretty much suck with stuff like that. I hope to learn how to listen to my gut closer once again, it always knows the answers that I don’t want to admit. Admitting my reality is my key, that is what makes me stronger. Saying that I’m weak, is my strength. Being a human with all of it, is my power. Being me is my crown.

PMA ❤

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Live. Learn. Grow. Move On.

I didn’t have any kind of crisis when I turned 30, I was just happy to get a clean start, but I feel like I’m in some search momentum in my life now. Wouldn’t say a crisis, but a search of a bigger picture of myself, yes.

Live

If something, I have lived. Ups and downs more than one could need. Struggle that’s only made me stronger than I ever thought possible. Even through it all, I’m happy for all the heartbreaks and losses and struggles. I would not be anywhere close to who I am now without them, and where I am now is the best I’ve ever been. And I always wished when I was younger that that day when I’m in a rocking chair I would have stories, I do have those and keep living to have more of them.img_3042Learn

I could’ve chosen easier routes and roads to go forward but I’ve always chosen the ones that make me learn the most. Not easy, but worth it. I’m in a point in my life where I know that I won’t have unlimited amount of time, so I want to do the things now that I want and dream, but I don’t want to rush my life just experiencing. Things have a habit of figuring themselves out, if I just trust that. All have before so all will in my future too. Trust that gut of yours and don’t try to control everything too much. Risks are always worth taking. And, never, ever loose that yearn to learn more.

“If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself.”

-Nikita Gill

Grow

I might be almost 32, but that doesn’t mean that I have to be where the majority of my peers are. I don’t need to do and live my life in a way that is expected in some grand scheme of things. All will happen that is meant to happen, and what won’t doesn’t mean that my life wouldn’t be successful and fulfilling for me. But I’ve needed to grow to understand that some things I yearn won’t wait, I need to do what I have bubbling in me. I also don’t feel like I need to wait to say “those” things to people, if I have something that I want to be honest about. I’ve grown enough with myself to be sure and strong woman that I don’t need to take whatever people throw at this world to each other. It’s okay for me to stand up for myself and keep myself on the number one spot. So let yourself grow to that person you have in you, let that amazing You come out. I’m learning and growing into that person every damn day.

“Being both soft and strong is a combination very few have mastered.”

-Yasmin Mogahed

Move On

Let go of those people, things, habits, whatever you are dragging with you. Those things that hold you back from being the best you, you can be. We aren’t going to be here forever and you and I owe it to ourselves to be honest to ourselves and let go of all that negativity, and just be truthful and happy with what we have. The freedom you get from letting go is insane. But give yourself time for all that work that you need to grieve, to be mad, to be sad, to cry, to let go, to forgive and especially forgive yourself. And in the end and through it all, lovelovelove yourself. You deserve only good in your life, whatever it is that makes you happy and feel good, give that space to yourself and let go of all unnecessary. And remember that is completely okay to move on. And also remember, you are only a human, you don’t have to be able to take everything. You make mistakes, that you move on from. It’s all good.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

-Rumi

PMA ❤

https://vimeo.com/145243044

If I Lose Myself, I Lose It All

IMG_0368I’ve obviously entered the next chapter of my life lately. There has been the biggest storm and just pure amount of what the fuck in it, that has only made me stronger and made me see things clearly.

“She survived whatever happened; she forgave, she became.” 

-W.H.Auden, The Model

I’ve gone through the hardest and best summer and especially the last month. The last year has been just WOW, and here I am still. Trucking along, feeling happier and more blessed than ever, though never been all around this tired in my life.

I think in a way I’ve finally woken up, finally realized that I am me and I have no interest in changing one damn thing for anyone else. I’ve always been the one who adapts to whatever the other one is going through, forgetting myself and being there for them. But the situations have been one sided, I’ve been the one there, not equally. Not anymore. I’m tired of that.

I know that I have a habit of being too nice, which usually ens up me getting hurt. Happened again. But this time I’m not alone, I have the best safety net around me. I don’t have to go through all of this alone. That humbles me to the bone. I’ve honestly wanted to have this feeling since I was a kid, always been too afraid of actually letting people this close that they can be there for me. I finally stopped fighting and let them come. The scariest and best thing I’ve ever done.

Now that I am entering this new chapter of my life, once more, I feel anxious and uncomfortable, because I’m not sure what I should do or feel. I hate this feeling, it makes me want to jump out of my skin. While I’m in a way more comfortable in my skin than ever before.

After having one of the best weekends with old and new running friends, explaining my weird life situation, I started thinking if I am doing the right thing by staying and trying my best in Copenhagen. The faces and reactions of people when they hear that I don’t have a home or even a job at the moment, they made me think about this whole thing in a different way. Am I doing the right thing, am I?

When you’ve lived the way I am now, for as long as I have, you adapt to things easier and differently than you ever thought possible. You don’t stress about certain things at all, that used to make you feel like it’s all going to hell. If you would’ve said to me in my early twenties that when I’m 31, I won’t have a place to call home, I’m without a job and I’m single and still no idea what I want to be when I grow up, I would’ve laughed at you and said that hell to the no! I was so comfortable and wanted things to be comfortable, so much so that I ended up fucking up that whole thing and make my life harder than it ever should’ve been.

So now that I have this situation as my current life, I am still happier than ever before. I feel richer than ever before, not in money but with pure blessings in my life. I’ve been hurt more than I thought possible. I’ve gone through more than I thought possible and still standing here not ready to give up. I’ve loved more than I thought possible, only to realize that I am alone in that. But I’ve also finally being in the moment and lived my own life, my OWN life. Not caring what someone else thinks of it.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

-Amy Poehler

I do have moments, when I think that what is going to happen, where am I going to end up. I look at people that are my age, doing those things that I thought that I would been doing at this age. Being in a relationship, maybe married, hopefully have kids, sharing my life with someone, have a home that looks like me, have a job that pays the bills and enables me to travel if I feel like it. Isn’t all of that what we should want and have at this point in our lives? I do have moments, not easy to admit, when I think “when is my time”?

I’ve been running away from myself for most of my life, and I feel that I’ve finally stopped. I don’t hate myself anymore, I love myself. I am starting to know who I really am and really enjoying all of that. I feel my strength and it scares the shit out of me at times. My ability to love and forgive is insane. And I absolutely love that about myself. I see or at least try to see things in a positive way, even when shit gets very real. I still have things so much better than so many other people. And that is what keeps me humble. I have to remember how lucky I am.

I met some people last weekend that just made me feel insanely calm and like I want to have their company for long in my life. They’re calmness made the noise around me disappear and instantly made me feel good and at peace. I wish I could tell that to them and make them understand how special they are. But feel that after meeting once it’s a bit too much to just put out there. Maybe it’s not, I truly don’t know. Maybe some of them reads this and understands that I am talking about them.

“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”

-Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

 Letting go has been one of the hardest things for me, but once I finally did understand it, the freedom it brought was sweet. I think all of us deep down want to believe in the good in others, which makes us love them harder than we should. With the price of our hearts getting dragged around and thrown away. I am definitely done that. But this is the first time I let go, truly let go and saw how I have done nothing wrong and could forgive to be free again. That stuff is hard and I have no idea why I was able to do it now. Why now and not before? Maybe because I’m really not the person I was before.

In the face of all the new in my life, almost missing people that I don’t even know, feeling scared of what will happen, thinking if I’ll be a nomad for the rest of my life, I still feel stronger than ever before. When I think of all that has been going on, I could easily crumble under the weight, but I’m fighting. I’ve found this warrior in me that is not ready to just give up and crawl under a rock. I have so much in me that needs to be let out and I need to enjoy every step that I have on this planet. I have so many places to visit. I have so much love in me to shine out and give. I have so many kisses and hugs that I need to give and receive.

I have finally, finally, understood that if I lose myself, I lose it all. I am all I have, and I am enough. And I don’t need to know straight away everything, or know what needs to happen next or where I need to be next. I just need to give myself a break to breath and listen to myself. I need to give myself a break to be patient. All will work out.

“Someday someone won’t be afraid of how much you love. They won’t stay on the shore; they’ll meet you in the depths.”

PMA ❤

Blessing In Disguise

IMG_0201Sometimes something that you thought to be the best for you has to end to find what really is there for you.

The past couple of weeks have been all about insane ups and downs, more downs than ups to be honest. And somehow I’ve felt stronger and willing to fight for this all more than ever in my life. Weird warrior mode is in full effect, I guess!

Couple of days ago I was thinking about the past year, really went through what has really happened in a span of only a year. A move from Germany to Denmark, being in a long distance relationship, loosing my Grandma, moving to Finland, being at “home” without feeling like that at all, working for a great friend, having to live separately from my dog and seeing him rarely, training like no other to feel alive to be able to keep pushing, healing myself from all that has happened, getting sponsors and ambassadorships, being so tired that it hurt, long relationship ending, running my first 30km/marathon/ultra in only couple of months, running my first official ultra and realizing that I need to move back to Copenhagen, opening my heart more than ever before, working so hard to make this all work, moving to Copenhagen, pushing hard to make this my home which I am still doing, running my best ultra, falling in love, finally finding a job, going to the best vacation ever, getting crazy close with my little Sister, having the best and weirdest summer ever, having to make the worst decision to give up my dog/my family for good, realizing that is the day that Grandma passed away, being homeless, getting my heart broken, feeling like I’m the luckiest girl with the people I have around me, being crazy stoked about how my life is looking, loosing my job, having the best support around me, realizing that I have this fight in me that fears nothing, a week to go to run the Copenhagen Half for Grandmas memory and enjoying all my international friends.

All in all, it’s been hell of a ride.

And I definitely missed something. So in the span of a year shit can get very real. I’ve come closer to people that I thought that I lost, I’ve lost a lot of very dear people, I’ve loved more than ever before, I’ve become so much braver and confident, I’m being there for others in a completely new way, and the love I’m receiving is just insane!

There have been days lately when I’ve thought that is this all, the shit hitting the fan, some bad karma coming back to me that I just don’t remember doing. Days when I thought that when’s the actual good coming along, is it going to be a struggle all the time. So many tears, both sad and happy. So many amazing hugs, new friends that are going to be there for life. There are days when I just think that what is the point of this all, and then some friend just says something super small and it clears all the shit and I smile again and am all loved up with the amount of blessings I have in my life.

I’m not going anywhere, I am tired as fuck for fighting but then again, I am fighting for something that is bigger than this moment, it’s my life and my happiness. And with all of this and what has happened, I am happier than ever before and I would not change that feeling for any amount of money ever! This is my home and I will one day actually have my own home here, that’s it!

Sometimes, and I should know this, we think that people or jobs or situations are where we are supposed to be or have, and then we let go for ourselves and new and better things come along. Somehow I still believe and it keeps bringing me all that good good. So, I will fight, and love, and hug. Working as hard and harder to make this life what it’s supposed to be, an adventure!

WARRIOR MODE AND ALL THE PMA ❤IMG_0228