Will There Be Enough Time For My Dreams With This Pandemic

Out of nowhere today, I had this gut wrenching fear of time just slipping away from me and my dreams for my future, and for now too. Simply put, will there be enough time for my dreams to be able to come true or even have a chance with this pandemic that has gotten us all in it’s grip.

As a single woman, close to 37 years under my belt with dreams of children and a loving relationship, on top of being able to move to another country, will my time be enough with it slipping away from us at the same time.

This pandemic has brought mostly positive things in my life, which always feels a bit wrong to say, but personally it has been a blessing and a answer to my previously exhausted prayers. But the reality is that we’ve lived through the first year already with close to no real end in sight, and that is starting to bring up tiny moments of despair.

Last year I spent a month being sick with the virus, and in that month in ways finding myself again, for me that break of all was exactly what I had needed and gave me the opportunity to remind myself of my actual dreams and in the end of who I am and want to be. And so began the “work” to move towards just that.

With being laid off from my job I had another opportunity to stop and listen to myself, it also feels almost wrong to say that for me that was the best outcome at that time. To loose your job in this current state of the world is not something to wish for, but I was so burned out and not in a place I should’ve been anymore. I had been unhappy and stuck for too long already.

But now, with time passing daily without no control from my desires of it slowing down even a bit, I have had moments of oh dear, what if I won’t have enough time after all of this is done, or will it ever be completely done.

The stronger I am mentally and slowly again physically too, the clearer my hopes and dreams and goals for the future are too. All that meditation and writing daily has done it’s magic, not to mention the benefit and guidance of therapy. Every day I admit more and more to myself, things that I used to push aside from fear and belief that they are not for me.

I’ve been thinking will this pandemic change our approach towards love, relationships and connection with others. There’s a huge part in me that really wishes it would. It has already shown how the slowing down of pace of life has done many of us good in ways we didn’t know we could even wish for. It has shown sides in people that have been hidden when the pace has been faster, and with that made connection with others either closer or ending all.

Clearing our circles is not the worst that can happen, clearing our minds and in the end bodies too. Was this the “detox” many of us has been trying to find somehow? We’ve tried so many things, but when we had to slow down it started working finally. Showed us our fears, worries and ugly sides like never before. But most of all, the sides that keep us together and close, like never before too.

It’s less than two months til I turn 37 and today the fear caught up with me.

When I was close to 18, I was diagnosed with epilepsy and I still remember how my first question to the doctor was that can I have children. From all the questions I could’ve asked, that came out of my mouth without me probably even realising it’s weight.

As a woman, I am carrying a weight of certain “have to’s” since the day I am born. And with time we find which of them are the ones we feel good for us, while learning usually the hard way how to carve our own way if we feel that stepping outside of the path is the thing for us even a little bit.

So for years I had this certainty in me that I will want to have children, and when the day came that I realised that I don’t HAVE to I remember how this massive weight lifted from my uterus and I felt free. I didn’t have to any of that, even though people around me were doing what they we’re “supposed” to. I played with the idea of having kids with two of my ex boyfriends but I knew deep down in me that that would be the worst for both of us. Yes, I would’ve loved the child if it would’ve come to that, but still my body and mind knew better.

And then I got sick with covid and had an opportunity to basically think for a month. When all you can do is to lay in your bed, and you are a deep thinker, you will do just that. I remember how I missed my late Grandpa, how I noticed that I thought about his last year, and all the time I spent with him, all the talks about life and love and death we had. I remembered how my childhood was overflowing with love thanks to so many people, no matter how there was uncertainty and trauma too. In the end I realised that my biggest fear would be to be completely alone in the end. No matter how much we annoyed each other, on purpose at times, with Grandpa he was not alone in his last days. Even with Grandma passing before him. He reminded me of me, we were always super close and shared a connection that was special. He understood me and that gave me comfort and the knowledge that I’m worthy of it all. I just forgot the last part in my adult years. Thankfully me and my worth are very much finding our way back together now.

But with all that time to think, I had to admit to myself that I do want to, if I’m lucky enough, have kids with someone I really love. Both things that I’ve pushed aside for all too long.

It took me over 5 years to heal from my last relationship and then there were few months of terror towards the idea of love.

Admitting we want something good in our lives can be the hardest thing ever, at least it was for me.

But how has and will this pandemic change the way we move forward with love in mind?

Are we able to open ourselves easier and maybe faster to someone than before, because we’ve realised the value of time?

Will we trust love and connection more after this experience, we all have to go through?

Is facetime and messages enough to build a strong bond between two, or is the lack of possibility for physicality the blessing we’ve needed to actually build a connection?

Are we able to push fear and “rules” aside when creativity is the key with the possibility of new love?

Will we be brave enough to just be us, infront of someone who our heart feels something we don’t understand yet?

I understand the frustration and tiredness of this all, especially with younger people than me with over ten years more time to experience life with. But people like me, getting closer to 40 with no control over time, we or very much at least me, feel deep fear too. Weird calm fear. Our wishes and hopes for the future tend to be quite a bit different at this stage of our lives.

As a woman, I’ve definitely noticed that while it’s been so joyous to see new baby bumbs popping up all over the place, and what better time to do that than now. It has also reminded me of what I wish to have. Not only the child part, but even more the fact that at this moment I am alone, with no possible connection with a man that I would get to know in a way that could end up with time with me having that baby in my belly.

I am more than aware of the time that is passing and my bodys ability to be a vessel for a little one. There’s so many things in life I don’t fear at all, I love getting older in so many ways that it’s hard to count, but when it comes to love and the possibility of family, some kind of clock has started ticking. At the same time I find myself being an realist and knowing that nothing is given, that a child will always be a blessing and I don’t take that possibility for granted. But I’ve started noticing this gut wrenching terror with it too, what if I don’t have enough time?

Its the what if of it all.

As someone who is not super outgoing even when times were more suited for it, and as one who always yearns for deeper connection that would come from the old ways of talking, really talking and getting to know before all the physicality, I find myself feeling a bit confused by how we should build new connections now.

Not to mention the silly little fact that I’ve known for years that where I live now will not be my forever place. So moving countries is still due to happen, on top of everything else.

I’m wondering what old rules apply when this is all gone, or are we just making new ones as the time passes us with no respect or interest in our hopes for it to slow down even a bit. Should we just take that risk even easier now than before?

There are moments when the fear of not having enough time is real. And I would assume I’m not alone.

I’ve never had more trust and hope for the future to end up good, but this fear that I can’t control is there too.

Hello My Name Is Mirka And…

Hello, my name is Mirka, and whenever I feel like my life is taking a step towards a direction I’ve wanted and I feel a success coming on, ALL my insecurities just jump out and try to make me feel like the tiniest and shittiest imaginable.

I would say that I suffer from the famous “sabotaging your success”, don’t worry it’s not contagious, but it’s very very real.

The thing is, and I’ve written about this before, I’m not wired in a way that I could just enjoy my life when things go well. I’m learning to not behave like this, as it’s not beneficial for myself in any way. But it’s so deeply ingrained in me that it’s very hard, and especially when I’m on the verge of new, something that I’ve wanted to have or do for some time.

I always these days tend to forget that I’ve moved from country to country with little to no plans, and done those things with fear in my belly but still done them. I don’t see myself as a brave person that much, I am proud of what I’ve done these days, but I don’t see those things as brave but that is just what they might be.

But, insecurities. Those motherfuckers, pardon my french. But that is truly what they are, doubters of the highest level.

The fact that I’ve always been a bit of a lone wolf and fairly sensitive might not help in my low moments that much. Obviously I’ve learned to harness those parts of me, like my anxiety and depression or my epilepsy. You find ways with the help of professionals that work with you to live your life to the fullest or at least plumpest.

But goddamn when a moment of true insecurity hits you to your core, you are at it’s mercy and can only ride that shit out.

These days I’ve also learned to say how I’m feeling to a friend or my poor Mom(thanks for always supporting me and giving me some much needed tough love <3). What I’ve found that does, is shake me from that ridiculous feeling those moments bring in me. Because the truth is, insecurity is something we make in our heads, it’s not that real. It’s part of the doubt family, which is also fairly fictional and rarely has anything to do with reality of your skills or knowledge of said insecurity.

I hate and love that feeling when I feel absolutely ridiculously idiotic, when my friends or Mom just shake me out of that moment with some much needed tough to the toughest love. Because that’s exactly what should happen. For me it works, I’m not saying it’s the same for everyone, but because I am where I am with myself and the work I’ve done with and for myself, I know I can take it all.

Admitting our insecurities and vulnerable feelings is what makes us stronger, it’s just not something that gets the airtime it deserves. Admitting our imperfections makes us more real, and that is never a bad thing.

I’m not sure why I still get so petrified every now and again, to the bone scared. And it’s always, absolutely always just before things are going to change for the better.

The struggle I’ve lived with, mostly because of my own doing let’s be real and honest here… Yeah, I have not made my own damn life too easy for myself at times. But with over 36 years now under my belt, I think it’s time to just enjoy this all. See and embrace the fact that I’ve worked so hard on myself, I’ve changed so many massive things that are real hard to face. That is brave and even I can admit that.

But because in the past I had a habit of making my life harder than it needed to be, I have moments like today when I just feel like I’m crumbling under it all, the new that could open all those doors I’ve worked towards.

Fear is not always a bad thing, it’s actually one of the best things to keep us awake and alert to what is going on around us, but when it stops us to our tracks it’s the one in charge. And that is something we should never let it be.

So the conundrum is that how can I be the one who takes risks fairly easy and is impulsive, can also be the one who is absolutely terrified of her life going smoothly and actually enjoying what it has to offer.

How can the need to put yourself out there and the need to learn something new that shows how you just don’t know everything, which is impossible by the way, can crumble that confidence that shows itself so easily when it comes to taking risks or living the exact way you want when it’s only you.

What I’m realising while writing is that when I do things on my own I’m not too scared, when it’s to do with someone else I get terrified, not something that is a mind blowing realisation by any means. Actually makes me almost laugh out loud or at least snort a bit.

But like I’ve said before, there are also downsides to being able to be so comfortable on your own… You don’t have to show your uncomfortable moments the same way as when you are with others and those moments when in front of them. But that doesn’t really make sense either when I think of myself, because I’ve always been really good at working with people and feel rarely scared or intimidated in those moments. I’ve learned how to build this certain kind of wall of confidence around me with my outgoing persona in those moments, that falls off right away when I am on my own when I enjoy my introverted ways maybe a bit too much. I’m a forever working progress and I’ve accepted and truly embraced that quite some time ago.

Our humanity is sometimes just too much to carry. We get tired of how we behave, tired of some of our personality traits that just are part of us no matter what we do, tired of it all. Sometimes we question if any of it makes any sense, in those moments it usually doesn’t. And that is okay too, we just have to try to remember it when it all feels a bit too much.

No one knows everything, and will never know everything, if something then that would be terrifying. How boring would our life be if nothing would keep us on our toes every now and then?

Self love and understanding aren’t always nice or easy, but it is what we will or should do daily as a practice that never ends.

I can feel the tension releasing in me while I write this, I can feel the gentle understanding and love finding it’s way back to me. Slow and steady my breathing is calm again from that anxious pace it was earlier today. I move my body to my favorite songs and just let the soothing music flow over me.

In the end it’s usually fairly small things that help. Talking to a friend or a family member and saying that I just don’t feel the best with this. Asking for help when feeling unsure how to move on with the task at hand. Give yourself a damn break and some credit for all you’ve gone through and done. And kick those insecurities to the curb and not feed them, because they can eaaaaat!

And remind that it is completely natural to feel a bit all over the place when you are not working and are on furlough, and trying to figure your future in the midst of it all. Come on, we’re in the middle of a pandemic still too!

The fact that I’m far from what someone has decided to call perfect, is one of my favorite things about myself. It all makes me real, and real is good.

So, here I am feeling so much better once again after I’ve let my fingers do the dancing on this keyboard. I’m reminded why I did this as much as I did before and why I should definitely get to back to that routine.

PMA ❤

 

Has 2020 Changed How We View Relationships?

Yeah, has 2020 changed how we view relationships, whether romantic or platonic or any form of one.

If there’s one thing that I’ve thought about a lot this year, it’s been how human connection evolves during the changes this year has brought to our lives. It has challenged us in many ways, the level of intensity varying depending where you live and how drastic the changes have been to your everyday life.

It has broken so many connections and relationships, some that had been doing the work of dying out for some time, some that just died before they even started properly, some changed and broke in a ugly way due to how we operate in a crisis that just keeps on going.

The thing with crisis is that it shows our true nature, one way or another. We won’t be able to hide our true selves for too long before it all seeps out and we’re left with the truth and reality. Some are pure empathy and love, some are pure selfish ways of thinking ourselves first and blaming others for all that’s happening around us. We all end up going through these all in one way or another too, so no need to be all high and mighty either. None of us had the tools to be prepared for a worldwide pandemic.

In the end I think this all brings out the “ends” of our personality to the front, no hiding. When pushed to a corner, something is bound to happen. This has slowed us down, shown sides to our humanity that has been hidden due to the pace of living we’ve all been able to do before we were stopped.

Originally I had this idea of a piece about love and how romantic relationships have possible changed this year, as it’s been a topic I’ve spoken about with couple of friends and also thought about myself. But then all of that other stuff wanted to be written first.

Possibly because my track record with romantic love is not something I can boast too much about, not sure if I even would need to do that. Does anyone actually care in the end? We also tend to hide some parts of our past when it comes to love, it feels easier than to really tell how we feel about it all.

As we all know, love is absolutely terrifying.

There’s these certain “rules” in our society when it comes to love, or it feels like that these days. Like, don’t answer straight back to a text, you might seem too interested or eager. Act like you don’t care that much, because god forbid they would know you are interested or care about them. Ghost them when you loose your interest, yeah that one is a must. Overthink every text message like it’s a secret code to a space shuttle. Never say what you really truly feel in your heart.

BUT then at the same time we’re expected to be as open and honest as possible. So what the hell are we supposed to do?

I read that these days dating is harder because we’ve become so comfortable with being on our own. So it’s extra hard for us to let someone in to our lives, because we’ve build lives that are ours and exactly what we want them to be.

Makes sense in a way, or at least I see myself in that a bit. I would find it hard to welcome someone in my life right at this moment in a full blown relationship kind of way. There’s few reasons for that.

I’ve been on my own or single, however you want to call it for the past 5 years(shit it’s out there now) and for few of the first for a good reason. I had gotten out of a abusive and very hurtful relationship and knew that if I don’t fix my wounds from that, I would carry all that hate, anger, sadness, hurt to the next one and that person does not deserve something that has nothing to do with them. I wanted to heal, feel comfortable as possible in my own skin and just with myself. The thing is, I’ve never found it hard to be on my own, so this part wasn’t the worst scenario that I could think of.

Secondly, I had messed up my finances in my early twenties and one of the biggest things for me was to sort that mess. I wanted to figure how and what to do to fix my debt and hopefully be able to move on with my life. And not feel trapped and weighed down by the shame that all can bring. Because let me tell you, that is exactly what it does. But let’s leave that for another post.

Also, I had noticed that when it came to love, I felt that my own relationship with the idea of a romantic relationship might be a bit confused.

I remember in my late teens/early twenties I used sex as a way to “know” if someone liked me, and I know I’m not the only one with this. I know it’s partly because of an incident in my younger teens, where I was assaulted and nearly raped. That messes up your relationship with being physically close with someone you like. I’m very truly lucky that my first sexual experience was with someone who really liked me and who I liked, we were each others first true loves and the whole experience was a awkward and beautiful, just as it’s supposed to be. And we explored those early experiences together, that build a healthier base to that earlier experience. But when you’re young and trying to figure out yourself and all of that, physicality can kind of be a tool through it all, not always a healthy way but it’s part of it all.

It’s funny how these days my views of it all has changed quite a bit, I know myself better and because of that and all my past relationships I’ve learned what feels good for myself. I might be highly physical in all my human connections while still being very introverted, but also reserve certain parts of my physicality to only some.

I’ve never been big on one night stands because my mind just can’t handle the idea of having a connection and then just not having it when you wake up. And I’m fairly old school minded in general with good ol’ dash of romance thrown in. So try to be all slow paced and romantic and straight forward and you, when you are also impatient and always in a hurry because I guess I’m afraid of losing what I thought that I had. And did I mention overthinking, yeah that one, the dream as it’s also called!

So, I’ve been living it up on my own for the past 5 years with couple unlucky crushes thrown in there to keep me humble. I haven’t had sex in close to 3 years(well double shit), yeah thanks for asking I’m actually very used to it and it doesn’t bother me, it seems to bother others more if I say it. Not that I don’t miss sex or just the weight of a man on top of me. But there’s also this shame or guilt if I say it out loud, like we’re supposed to be trying someone new every week or what ever is the pace. Why is it so?

Why the fact that I feel that I don’t want to share my body with someone I’m not sure about is such a bad thing? For myself sharing myself and my body in a personal way means that I trust the person in way that I can share my insecurities and that special moment when you let your guards down and just enjoy yourself and your partner. That needs certain type of trust in my books. I don’t want to dim my passion for anyone.

So when will I get to the relationship part, maybe now. Though sex is a vital part of a relationship, to me at least.

I might have been single for too long for my own good, when it comes to how I think of the idea of a relationship. I might have seen too many romantic movies, definitely. But what I end up missing when I do, are the simplest things.

I miss waking up next to my person and then shifting close to be in their nook or spoon, I miss figuring out what to eat, I miss having inside jokes that make you look at each other in a certain way and smile in that one smile we all know, I miss being hugged from behind, I miss going for long Sunday walks to nowhere, I miss being held and hold someone tight who I love, I miss saying I love you in that different way that comes from saying it to your person, I miss arguing about something complete nonsense because we’re both a bit hangry, I miss being there for my person, to remind them that it all will be okay, to hold them when they feel it all, to be held when I feel it all, share laughs and cries, to be a person to other that is theirs. I miss sharing the mundane everyday life. Obviously I could write million more reasons.

This year I’ve felt ready finally, to have room in my life, to feel like I have it in me to try again. I have someone I’m interested in knowing more about, not a full blown crush but an interest. I’ve noticed that with the pandemic things move slower and I like it, even though my old ways of moving and knowing it all as fast as possible are trying to mess with my mind.

With my romantic mind, the idea of writing letters by hand and snail mailing them to each other, it’s just the thing.

I’m in a place for the first time where I truly want to get to know someone before anything else, to know who they are in a slow manner, maybe talking on the phone or facetiming. The idea of just talking and having honest and open conversations about everything just makes sense. Not having the opportunity to be physical with one another straight away, to ruin the pace and making things different before they need to be.

It would feel so “normal” to ask what someone thinks of me or if they are interested in knowing me this way too, but why the rush, is it needed?

I have absolutely no idea how I truly feel about this one or what they think of me, and I think that’s a good thing. If they even know or have figured out that I’m thinking these of them. Who knows! But there’s something about them that keeps me on my toes in that good kind of way. There’s this feeling of wanting to know more, but being able to go on with my days with no thought given to them too, which I like. This might be something to do with being a grown up, does it?

I guess the point of this suuuuper long piece is that this year has slowed down the pace of our lives, and I personally really like that. The relationships that I’ve held close and felt that are supposed to be in my life, have gotten closer and more open, some have broken off and left my life. All has been just the way they are supposed to be. There’s been a clearing of sorts. I’ve had difficult conversations with people I never thought could be as close to me as they are now, but there lies the beauty of difficult conversations, they tend to clear the direction of that relationship. If more of those conversations would be had, we would feel a lot better, that I know for sure. Some of those conversations have shown me the true colors of someone I never thought I would not have in my life like they used to be. Maybe I should just tell that person that hey I find you interesting as a person and would like to get to know you more, without it meaning that something has to come out of it. Or I just see how it evolves.

What I like is that I’m opening up to the possibility of someone being in my life again. And I think a real, good relationship while is forever a working progress should also feel fairly easy and natural. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over my years on this planet, it is that communication truly is a key, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at times.

So here we are, a piece that was supposed to be easy and clear, ended up being a true testament of rusty writing fingers finding their way on the keyboard and telling a tale of someone who’s figuring out her life as she lives it all.

And yes, I think 2020 has changed our views on relationships, it has made us slow down, think and communicate in a way we were in a too much of a hurry before.

Love hard and never forget to tell your people what they mean to you!

PMA ❤

 

And What Do I Stress About Now?

Really, what do I stress about now? What is the struggle I’ll carry heavy on my shoulders? Or am I just supposed to move on with my life and find new easier ways to live? Or actually just live my life without the past still holding me back. This massive change that has just happened is making my doubt everything in my life and especially myself.

I’m absolutely terrified of writing again, of daring my soul like I did before. I’m telling myself to just blurt it all out, it’ll help me. But I can feel my heart beat extremely fast.

Couple of weeks ago, on a Monday, I signed some papers at my bank and left feeling extremely good but even more so confused. That day meant that the little over ten years of financial struggle was coming to an end, I was able to move on. But where was that feeling of freedom and relief? Why do I still feel utterly lost and confused. Absolutely petrified to move on and really realise that I don’t need to struggle anymore. I’m so used to not being able to do things that this new life scares me, a lot.

To give you a little back story… In my early twenties I messed up my finances and lost my credits. In Finland it means that your life will get a lot harder, probably the same everywhere. Basically I had a lot of debt and no money to really live a normal life, and all I wanted to do was hide. I pushed my head in a bush and never wanted to face it all. Over the years I did however face it step by step and the last year really worked extremely hard to change my life for the better. Got help and guidance with a help of my dear Mom. And now I’m in a situation that I can live my life more free and with less struggle, with just the last bits of my debt to pay but like a regular person with a bank loan with small enough payments that I can actually live my life too.

The thing is, I’m really scared of this moment in my life. It was something I was yearning to get to, I’ve gone through a lot to get where I am now, and now… I am so lost.

I’ve put so many things on hold for this to be solved, and now it has and I feel like I have absolutely no idea how to move on. I don’t feel depressed, I feel stuck. Because this is my moment to do those things I’ve been putting on hold, like take better care of my body and eat better food now that I have more money to buy actually fresh stuff. Like make my home a home. And the biggest of all, not be so damn scared all the time.

It’ll all take time, I know, but no one really tells you how it can all feel when something massive is taken care of and  you are free to leave it all behind and move on with your life. How can you just jump away from it all, when it’s been in the back of your mind daily for the better part of your adult years. I don’t know anything else than to live with barely no money and to struggle from month to month, no matter how much I work. To think I’m not good enough or don’t deserve certain things. Or that it’s better to not let anyone too close to me romantically because the money stuff would anyways get in the way of it all.

Of course right now, I’m feeling this all reaaaally strongly and it’s pouring out of me like a molten lava. But for couple of weeks, I’ve tried to understand this all. While having the craziest dreams ever, with my subconscious processing it all in my sleep. Trying to be gentle with myself while my body has been giving up when the stress that I’ve carried in it is finally letting go of it’s grip.

It’s funny, my hip and lower back gave out a week ago, and I checked what it kind of emotional pain it means to have pain in that area, and the answer was “fear of moving on and letting go”… I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or cry, it could’ve not been more accurate. And my back has been a mess this whole past week, like saying to me that I’ll be in pain as long as you hold on to all that.

I realised that I’ve never been this scared in my life. Basically I’m starting my life, my real adult years now. I wasn’t this scared when I moved to another country on a whim, but I am scared shitless now.

And I’m not 100% why. Is the freedom of it all freaking me out this much? Probably, to be honest. I’m not sure how to live without some kind of struggle in my life. I’m absolutely worst at giving myself a chance to just succeed and be the best me I can be, while loving myself in a way that would not be about doubt.

I know that with small steps, whether it’s writing this all out even when it scares me, or going out and just walk my mind clearer, I will get closer to my truth. The truth I have in me now. It’s a forever search I know, but to be on that journey feel good too. There’s a tiny part of me noticing that those fast heartbeats could also be because of excitement for all the new. I’m doing things already that are moving forward, while I’m scared. I’m slowly and carefully letting go of the doubt, mainly, that has been holding me back all these years.

I don’t know why I doubt myself so much, when I know in me that I’m actually really good in quite a few things. I need to put myself out of this struggle filled comfort zone more to a struggle free place that feels very uncomfortable for me. I’ve always done things the “other way around” and this feels and looks just the same. Now I just have a possibility to really change my course of action and not let those fears keep me from living my absolute best life.

Basically telling myself, stay tuned because it’s about to get really interesting…

PMA ❤

It’s Complicated, My Relationship With My Body

You remember when you had the option to choose “it’s complicated” as your relationship status on FB? Or maybe it’s still there, no idea. Yeah, that came to my mind tonight while I was walking and thinking things, like I usually do while moving. It made me think of my body, or more how my relationship with my body has always been a bit complicated.

It goes to my relationship with food too, but I feel that those two are basically the same, at least sometimes.

I was walking, fairly fast and thinking how this can be my best when it’s only four years since I ran my strongest Ultra Marathon. And how I build myself physically from close to zero to that in only couple of years. Four years feels such a tiny amount of time that it just doesn’t make any sense when I think about it.

Around that time I was also in the best shape in how I felt about my body in general. I was strong and still curvy in the right places to me. I was at least 20kg lighter than I am now with my little over 90kg. Which is the heaviest I’ve ever been. And I can tell that it’s a lot to carry.

You feel this amount of excess on you in too many ways. I’m also in that age that things like this really make a difference. I remember how one day few months ago I was walking the stairs to home after work, and I realised how out of breath I was. It scared me and made me feel super bummed out. I was just thinking how did this happen.

I was really active kid, and I loved to move my body all the way to my early adulthood and then it just stopped. I remember noticing that if I don’t move my body or do nothing, I gain weight really easy. But I was also battling one of the worst depressions at that time too. And when I get depressed, I eat. Those two go together way too well in me. And my poor body went up and down while I went through my depression.

That’s how it’s always been. My body has to try to hold on while my head is having it’s “moment”. It’s gone from healthy and active to overweight and sluggish so many times that it’s scary to really think back. And now I’m in that overweight and sluggish in a way I’ve never been and while I got tired of my overall nothingness, I got tired of feeling shitty about my body too. But it’s not any easier to be patient with your body than your mind, probably even harder as you really have to do the work yourself. I can ask for help but I still have to move my body myself and think what I eat.

And it’s funny how we view our self worth through how our body looks, and how we think others look at us. On my walk I remember how I viewed my self worth through how someone else wanted me, in a sexual way, when I was younger. It feels so crazy but it felt really normal back then, in my early twenties. Basically if someone wanted to have sex with you, then you were something. In my case, that kind of behavior lasted really short amount time, which I am extremely happy about. But it doesn’t change the fact that we all still in our adult years have moments when we think our worth through the idea of someone wanting us sexually.

Even as a 35 year old woman I have moments when I think if that someone thinks of me, or if that person misses me, or was I just a weird weak moment? I am fairly sure I’m not alone in those kinds of thoughts. And it’s such a weird combination because why does any of those matter when it comes to how I view my body. But the reality is that even though I’m in a fairly good place with myself, the way I view my body and self worth, I still want to feel wanted. Like any of us. But when you have a hard time getting your butt moving and feeling better about yourself, it’s hard to believe that I could be wanted in that way too.

So, yeah, it is complicated. The relationship between yourself and your body. It’s all part of the bigger picture of how you think of yourself. And as lately I’ve had to face my fears and thoughts of myself, this is coming up too. On top of the actual fact that all of my clothes are just too small for me. And my stubborn ass doesn’t want to or more like can’t afford to buy bigger just for the sake of it. I want to be able to look my naked body in the mirror and be proud of my capable and strong body, and not feel like I do now, a bit disappointed and sad. But it is tied together, the more I move my body and do things that make me feel better, I slowly see myself and the world in a clearer way. But it’s just such a slow process that the willingness to keep moving forward takes all I have in myself and I fail more than I care to admit. I still am the master of I’ll start tomorrow or next Monday. And I wish I would realise that I’ve done so many amazing things already that I should know that I can do this now too. But I guess I just have to show it all to myself once again. I already have a goal in mind, but I’ll keep that to myself for now.

For me right now, it’s baby steps, slow and steady. Trying my hardest to be gentle but firm with myself. Remind myself that I really can do and be better for my own sake. This is for myself, no one else. Even with all those thoughts, but they just make me a human with real and normal wants and wishes.

PMA ❤