Fear. The Biggest Of Them All.

Fear. The ultimate thing holding us back, or at least me. Fear is something we don’t like to admit feeling, especially as a grown up. But fear is the biggest of them all, after love I guess.

I’m stuck in a fear filled living at the moment in my life. I’ve lost my confidence in a way I had it before, not even that long time ago. It’s only few years. I do get back to that Me at times, that confident me. But then the fear, the gut wrenching fear finds me again and wraps me in like an octopus.

I remember all too well how when I was a child, I didn’t fear that much. I rather drove headfirst to a parked buss with my bike than not, just to feel how it would feel. Not the smartest experiment but still. I did things on my own with no fear, just because I wanted to know and see and feel and taste. I had that fearless me in me for quite a long time, and then all of sudden it got lost.

It got lost in those years when others tried to find themselves but I had to grow up. Sometimes it goes like that and you try to find yourself in your adult years, like I am doing now. I used to jump to unknown a lot, learned maybe too many life lessons, but I still am grateful for all of them. Even the one that made me want to be alone for this long, as I have now, for probably closer to four years. Fear is the reason still, in my bones if nowhere else, why I don’t let people too close.

Fear is also the main reason for me not to give myself a chance to live a life I deserve. I’ve lived so many years, too many years in a constant struggle, with myself or the outside matters of my life that now, when I would and do have a chance to move on from all of those, I am terrified how my life and myself would be.

I’ve worked my ass off, to go through my issues, alone and with my therapist. I know that I have no reason to hold myself back like I am at the moment. Deep down I know that I deserve all the good, but this nagging fear of me not being enough has taken over and I’m not sure how to fight it off.

Or I do, I’ve taken many small steps towards that life, the life that I dream in my sleep and when I look around, or when I see myself in the mirror.

It takes so much courage to admit that you can’t do it all on your own, it takes all in you to ask for help. But I’m extremely tired of being this afraid of every aspect of my life. The fear, that F word has sucked me dry out of my confidence at work, with my own goddamn journey that feels like it’s moving on and I can’t keep up. You need to get to a point of reaching a wall of tiredness and especially being tired of your own bullshit of actually not giving enough fucks of your own happiness. I’m there now.

I’ve carried certain things for way too long, feeling like I deserve the shit. If I made a mistake with my finances in my twenties, which I am paying back with extremely high price now, that I should never have an easier life. Just because I fucked it all up once… But for fucks sake, I took those steps that scared me the most, and I searched for help and now things are moving to a better direction, but still. I get near panic attacks when my paycheck comes, as I see the hard work move to a place that is at the same time the best and the worst. As if there is one thing that will eat your confidence and let the fear of nothing in, it’s the fact that you as a 35 year old woman have to relie on your parents.

The fact that I’ve carried my shitty finance issues with me for as long as I have, is the main reason for my lack of healthy relationships, it’s the reason for my love for being alone, as then I can control the little I can. I was hurt extremely deep few years ago, but like my therapist says, I’ve worked myself out of that and actually am ready for love and letting someone in. But in me I know that as long as my finances are in a state they are right now, I just don’t want to start anything.

I also have couple of things to do on my own before I can stop fearing of actually having something special in my life. I did got a taster of how it could be early this year, and it reminded me that I’m more than worthy of it.

Fear. Sabotaging your own success. Those I am the master.

Loving myself, that I am still practicing, getting better as the days go by.

I am terrified of how good my life could be, so I don’t do any of it, I hide from it. Even if it doesn’t look like that to the outside.

I need time on my own to really face these things, and admit my actual fears.

But it’s also the time to let myself free and actually live this life and not just let it slip past me, like it has now. I’ve done everything myself to get where I am now, so maybe it would be time to remember that and be proud of it all. And move the fuck on. Stop carrying the past, as it is called the past for a reason.

I’m not too old for something, nor am I too young for other. But it is high time to let go.

Let go of the fear that I let holding me back.

 

Let’s Jump To Unknown Part. 3492873

Yep, that’s how it feels. Me jumping to unknown, once again. Trying to find my core again, even the actual core of my body too. I lost that while loosing quite a few other things of myself the past years that made me feel me. Oh well, that’s how it goes and all I can do is try, once again.

I ended last year with a gentle challenge and a promise to myself to take care and love myself a bit more than I had. And that meant a lot since in 2018 I had basically just forgotten my health all together. And with that went my eating habits, and my ability to think clear and write. I should’ve known already that if I don’t move my body, my brain is on a halfsies shutdown mode. It just doesn’t work properly. And with all of those, so did my energy for anything. I did however in some magical way love myself more than before, and when it comes to selflove I ended 2018 on a high that I had not been for quite some time. For that I am extremely proud. And even with a weird year of a lot of great in it, and a lot of loosing myself, I managed to stay grounded on the love part. Not something I’ve been good before. I knew and know my worth and am readier all the time for the next chapter. I can easily say that I am pretty great, and I actually believe that. Though I’m still learning to let it sink in if someone else tells it to me… Can’t be perfect!

Today all of sudden I decided to go for a run, after probably closer to 6months, which feels insane. There’s few reasons I wanted to see how it would feel again. Firstly, not in any real order but still, I want to feel healthier this year especially as it’s the year I turn 35. I don’t want to feel how I have for the better part of last year. Worse and worse all the time. And let me tell you, the older you get getting back to some kind of rhythm is a bitch! Routine is like some foreign word that you’ve never heard before, and you’ve forgotten ALL that used to be normal to you… And again, oh well, all I can do is try again. Oh and the fact that I weight more than ever in my life, let’s just say that 90kg is not something I’m willing to carry on me any longer. And the fact that I managed to level up all that on me in only couple of years from being really healthy and active, is just a sad damn story to tell so I might just as well just change the lane for a smarter one. I’ve done it before, so I know in me that I can do it again. And no, this is not some New Years resolution.

One of the reasons for the run is that timing is a bitch, and with that I mean that I ended up in a situation early this year where I found myself falling in love with someone I never thought. But amazing things like that happen and sometimes timing is just not your buddy, or… is it maybe just that? I knew I am ready to let someone in again in my life, but was I actually ready for a full blown thing, I’m not sure. I know that this one shook me to my core, and sometimes you know by just few moments together, that this is it. But also, sometimes we have to wait for the right timing to come along. That’s it. That obviously doesn’t take away the fact that you miss that person like crazy, or feel like your tiny heart is about to burst, or that you have gazillion things you want to say to them. Or because the time we live in, send them all those gazillion stupid ass memes you’ve saved, just for them to laugh. Or you listen to those couple songs that remind you of that person. You go through all those moments with them over and over in your head and heart, or find yourself dreaming of them. Or you write things you would love them to know in your journal. Or listen to that one Chaka Khan tune and dance like crazy while tears run on your cheeks, half from sadness and half of happiness because you think about how fun it would be to dance together and just let loose. But I needed to run to let that pain free from my shoulders, as no matter how much I miss or love that person, right at this moment I also need to go forward with my days. I can’t stop my life even if the timing is a bitch. What brings me joy is the fact that I can live my life and still have that person in my heart. That’s kind of amazing. Or even the fact that I’ve met someone who is that one, the special one. But I still wish you were here, or me there, either or… ❤

I needed to run, to feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because damn I’ve gotten complacent, in a way that is pretty depressing. I’ve forgotten like I said, those things that bring me joy and healing. I’ve wanted to write more for such a long ass time, but basically had the worst kind of block in the world. It happened quite some time ago already, actually when I moved back to Finland. When I lived abroad I for some reason didn’t care at all if someone reads what I write, or more like what people would think of me. Which is definitely something I find myself fearing now that I live back here, work now and before in a position where people “know” me in a way that I feel at times weird. I don’t mind people from the other side of the world knowing me and my “secrets” but for some reason it feels too much when they are this close. And on top of that… well, I had my reasons to leave Finland in the first place and I still have some “issues” towards this place. The thing is that I’ve never, in my whole life, felt like I belong here. Which can sound weird, as I’ve lived most of my life here. But I wasn’t born here, and the way the country works and the mentality of us here and just the general vibe, yeah let’s use that word there, it’s something that tests me more than any other place. I get smaller here, in a way that makes me question myself in situations I don’t like, for example is it okay to wear what I want to wear or do people look at me funny. I’m not as brave here as I am when I’m somewhere else, or that’s how it feels at times. I guess I have to face those issues and then I’m free here, which means I can go wherever I need to. Because the truth is that I do know I’m moving somewhere else from here at some point, once again.

So the actual run, how did it feel. Taking the fact that I used to run ultra marathon distances, and that’s only little over 3 years ago. Three years ago! How the hell the time works is magic that you could be in the peak of your physical health only 3 years ago, while being mentally so broken you didn’t even understand it at the time. Oh how the tables have turned, now I’m basically on the other opposites. Peak of my mental health in many ways, and on the bottom when it comes to my physical health. Oh well, once a damn again… Let’s play my favorite game of finding the balance for the millionth time 😀 ! But back to that run, it felt surprisingly good. Not easy by any means, but one of those that make you think of your first run in your running journey and makes you hope for more again. THAT is definitely a thing I haven’t thought in few years. I loved running, it saved me from my drowning depression and then I ended up loosing all my interest in it, took a massive break and now, I’m ready to slowly find my way back to it. No goals, no races, none of that, just enjoying the movement of my body and the scenery. And nothing feels better, or actually many things, BUT nothing feels better than when you feel your body getting stronger and the steps getting lighter. That is something I want back. The effortless feeling of running. Not thinking anything and thinking everything at the same time.

Let’s see how this all goes in the end. I’m trying, not promising. I’m giving myself a chance for something new. I’m not who I was 4 years ago, and that’s a good thing, but I want to see who I am now. 2019 is a year of bravery, jumping to unknown again. Yep that’s what I’ll do.

PMA ❤

Connection

I’ve been thinking a lot more, deeper, lately. That might sound funny, but now after couple of weeks of running again under my belt, it feels that my brain is working in a different way again.

I’ve been thinking about connection, with others, with myself, how all of those are part of each other.

Today is a year to the day since my Grandpa passed away. He’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. I was thinking this morning on my run what makes me miss him so much, other than the fact that we always were really close. It’s the fact that we always had this special connection between us. He was my rock since day one. That’s what I miss the most, the fact that there was nothing I couldn’t talk with him to. The trust that comes with a certain kind of connection between people.

These days finding a genuine connection feels at times impossible, while at the same time it’s possible to find it in the simplest of words from a stranger. The world has changed in a way that complete strangers are able to become best friends or lovers without first seeing each other. In a way social media and other channels, make getting to know someone a lot easier, deeper if both parties are willing. Though it can also give people a chance to hide behind their screens and be someone completely different they really are. So what is the reality and the truth?

Sometimes words from a stranger mean more than from someone you know. It makes the distance between people shorter and shorter.

A lot of the time I find it easier to connect with people who don’t know all of me. People who aren’t physically close to me. Even though I work in customer service and people tend to think that I’m super open and extroverted because the way I behave at work, my true self is really sensitive and introverted. And I need insane amounts of time for myself to be alone and to charge my batteries. To find people who understand that and respect it, well those are hard to find but I’m lucky to have met few and get to call them friends. Couple of them even live in the same city as me, which is definite progress.

One of my closest friends, who lives on the other side of the world, said something really important couple of days ago. She said that a ‘friendship is still a relationship’. I think we confuse relationship too often to a romantic one. A connection is a connection, no matter the level. A friendship is very much a relationship. And how you take care of that is the main thing. Like the one you have with yourself. Something I’ve had to learn the hard way, once again.

But I’m finding myself again, with running and moving in the nature. Finding my mind easing up and silencing, and while I’m able to find the calm it works on a deeper level and let’s me do this. To find words to write, another way to take care of my own connection with myself. Because for way too long I felt like there was a block in me, I guess it would be called writer’s block.

In a way I’m finding my truth and path, the same way I’m letting myself be braver with how I view myself in how I look and how I carry myself. It’s all about this one word, connection. To yourself and to everything surrounding you.

What I’ve noticed is that the free’r I feel and let myself be, the more I sense other people. I hear my gut feeling even better. I let my sensitive side really get out there. But I’m finding it hard to find the words to express that me. Because being more open and You, is a bit scary. It means you leave your past behind and trust your now and future. It makes you think when to take a risk and when not, when to write it out and when to keep it back. And while learning it all again and finding your words, you make mistakes, super silly ones. But hey, that’s part of it all.

What I’ve found myself thinking a lot is that I might have been born in the wrong era, though this is not the first time I have been thinking that. I remember having those feelings since I was very young. With my old soul in this world of ours. I wish that we would live in a world that it would be completely normal to write a letter, even a love letter, to someone you’ve found interesting and wish to tell your feelings. Without these rules and this and that that this world makes for us without any reason. But there are so many unwritten rules these days that it’s just ridiculous. Especially when it comes to romantic connections. We “meet” people in such a different ways than before internet and all it has brought to us. But we’ve lost the honesty and openness with it, I think. Why it’s so bad to tell someone that you find them interesting and that they make you smile a little different with only few words, or that you would like to get to know them better. To see their smile, feel their arms around you, all of it.

Why those things, said honestly and straight forward make them weird and “too much” now?

So we have more connections than ever before, but how real we are with them? How genuine? Why a simple compliment or wishing well is “too much”?

I yearn for the days when you didn’t have any other option than to wait and dream, to maybe read the words on a paper or even on a screen but in a honest and open way. To just say how you feel, even if it would be “too much” on some rule book level, that some random person who invented the “games” we play these days. I wish to have the days here again, at least a bit, when you met someone found them attractive and told it to them. Now those people might live in another country, but you share simple words between each other and you might have a deeper connection than with those who you meet face to face.

I think we underestimate the power of words these days. How something so simple as few honest words with not too much thought can make someone feel. Think about song lyrics, how deeply they can make you feel, the same goes with the words you say to someone. Whether they come from a family member who’s known you since the day one, or someone who’s a stranger but happened to say the exact right words, or a person you’re carefully letting in your life and realising you have a new friend in them. Words are powerful. But we have to be ready and willing to listen to them, without really listening, it all is just words with no power in them. Remember that. Listening is the key to it all.

But try to live with this level of old soulness in this world we live in these days. The romantic in me is having a hard time, the way my head and heart works is not from today, they’re from the olden days when less was more. So I struggle a bit, which makes me say/write/do funny things at times, that I might regret, but heck it’s just me. All of me. No shame in that. I just wish it would be okay to say what you feel when you feel it, and that’s it. No weirdness or freaky in doing that.

I guess I keep finding my way in this world with this old soul of mine. Ain’t easy being highly sensitive, but oh boy I wouldn’t change it for the world! This life chose me, and I didn’t even fought it, I embraced it knowing it will be a bit of a struggle, but goddamn a beautiful struggle.

PMA ❤

Fear

I’ve always been afraid, irrationally afraid of life I guess. While at the same time wanting to live way more than I was able to do. I’ve done things while being so afraid that I thought my heart would jump out of my chest, and sabotaged my own success so many times because of fear. I’ve done it all, from one end to another. I’ve gotten tired of being afraid too many times to count, but not done something about it more times than the first.

I remember when I was a kid, I had a pretty wild imagination, still have but you know… adulthood and stuff. But anyways, I remember this one time when I was out cruising with my bike and I biked through this big parking lot really close where we lived, and I saw a parked bus. My first and only thought was that how would it feel to ride to it, yes ride my bike full speed to a parked bus. And I actually did it, I tried the one thing that popped into my head. Not the smartest, definitely but back then I had this “fuck it” mindset and I just did things even though I was afraid.

I’ve moulded and changed myself through the years through different levels of fear. I’ve done harm to myself and my loved ones when trying to be someone else I really was. Done harm in way that I still have to carry with me, though I did face my biggest adulthood fear last week. But more about that later. The thing is, my fear for living my life fully has made me depressed more than I should’ve been. It’s made me do decisions that I still feel ashamed of, because I’ve mostly betrayed the trust others had for me. And while it was my massive insecurity that made me do those things, I hate the fact that I needed to do all of those things and go through all I did to be right here, right now.

This summer, this past summer I’ve been mostly working and kind of hiding behind that in all ways I could. I’ve been stuck with myself the whole time and knowing what I probably should do, but done nothing about it. I’ve actually gained around 10kg this summer, and it’s a lot to carry. Not only physically but mentally too. In the end it’s fear that I’m hiding behind while thinking that I’m pushing on, which I am. But not in a way I really, honestly should.

The truth is that after 3 years of being single or alone or however you want to call it, I’m terrified of even the idea of falling in love again. Holy shit that is scary idea, to let someone in your life, fuck. So what I’ve been doing is talked with people that I enjoy being alone and don’t feel like I need anyone in my life, which isn’t the whole truth. Especially because I had this “moment” this summer when I met this one remarkable person, you know those ones that make you think “holy shit, that’s my person”… Yeah, I’m one of those romantics who just thinks like that. No can do. But seriously, that moment made me realise that I do want that in my life again. But it’s easier for me to keep those things far because then I don’t have to get hurt, which I have been on a level that still makes me do certain kind of faces while I type this.

I remember when I was around 18, and there was this guy at school I thought was interesting. I didn’t know him, we didn’t have any mutual classes or anything, but I found him interesting and thought that I should just take a risk. So one day as I was walking to school and he away, I stopped him and and bluntly asked him out. And he said yes, we went, it wasn’t anything special. But the point is that I did it. I’ve lost that part of myself in many ways the past years.

I’ve done things I’m scared shitless, like moved to a country I’ve never really been with no plan whatsoever, just jumped to unknown and tried to figure things out there and then. Not succeeding, actually at all, sorry to my friends in those places and mostly thank you, but I still did it. The last time I moved back home to Finland, now around 3 years ago, I was broken mentally in a way that took me almost 6 months to really understand and physically in a way that it took about the same amount of time to get to a doctor to know my wrist was really broken. And the combination of those two been crumbling me in a way I haven’t even noticed, until now.

Back in the day I might have been afraid to the core, but I tried anyways, with that fuck it attitude of what might happen in the end. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’ve lost 3 really close people in super short amount of time, or the fact that I feel like I have no control over what is happening in my body, or sometimes in my head either that makes me stop and not even try. Why my insecurities are on a all time high lately. Why I doubt myself in things I know in my core that I’m good at. Why I rather all of sudden give up than try at all? And all of this while actually having my life in better place than ever before…

I need to find my peace again. I need to slow down and shut up. I need to look myself, straight in my eyes and be proud of who I am, because I have no reason to be this afraid of who I am. Half of me is so damn ready to burst out of these seams I’ve sewed around myself and the other half is just confused by this all. I have moments when I stand proud infront of someone and there’s no doubt in me and then I lose that side all of sudden and feel like I’m almost looking myself like a fly from the ceiling. Sluggishly and numb just going from one day to another without living, just surviving.

I don’t even know if I know how to love again. If I have that in me, or I guess I do, my tools around it are just kind of dusty from the scars I still carry. For myself, and others.

Tonight I walked in the pouring rain home from a concert. The theme of the concert was fear, but in a way that we should celebrate it, embrace it. And I noticed myself smiling in the rain while walking, after a long long time. There’s been few moments this past summer with that kind of effortless smile, but the core of me have not smiled in a long ass time. I finally remembered how it feels. The rain almost felt like it was washing away all that baggage I’ve been carrying the past months. Like I said, I’m a romantic and forever will be. But my lust for life is finding it’s way back. Part of this is depression and how it works, part of this is the weird grown up confusion about being or supposedly being an adult. You know one of those who looks to their friends who get married and have kids, with this weird feeling of “I am nowhere close to those things and why I don’t feel that kind of adult at all?”.

The point is that life is weird as hell, but with fear or not, all we can do is try to live it as hard and fully as we can. I have to remember that my way is as good as anyone else’s, I just need to find my way again. I already have found the right tracks, now it’s time to move forward on them. Say yes to things I’m afraid, and no to things that just don’t feel right. It’s actually super simple. And walk in the rain, always walk in the rain.

PMA ❤

It’s okay to feel just the way you feel

DSC04815.jpgThere’s this bubble in me that I feel I want to write out, but it feels stuck. Like I don’t find the words for it. I know what it is and why I want to write it but for some reason it feels hard as hell. It’s about saying how I really feel about things in a world where we are almost programmed to doubt ourselves in every possible turn.

Couple of weeks back I had an appointment with my therapist after almost a year. I felt that I needed a tune up time. I didn’t know if I was feeling messed up from the grief of loosing Grandpa still, or a crush that haunted me back then with no reason, or did my depression just try to creep back. Or was it a weird combination of all the good and bad that had happened in such a short amount of time.

Around the same time I said my final goodbyes to Grandpa, I started the best phase of my life so far. I found a place to work I truly feel I belong. And we all know how important it is to actually enjoy our work because it does take a majority of our days. But this is not about my work. But do find yourself one of those ones you absolutely love. Just do.

One big thing I wanted to start, or that’s what I thought, processing with my therapist was my own relationship with my romantic relationships. I’ve not been the luckiest or the best when it comes to those. I have done my mistakes and been the one done wrong to. It always goes both ways when there’s two in that kitchen.

It’s probably around 3 years since my last relationship, the one that left me in such a raw open wound state that I wanted to take the time to take care of myself, especially after realising how much it all had affected me. Now those years later I’m very slowly feeling like I could maybe let someone in a bit. I could be open to having someone in my life. Or so I thought…

Funny thing about talking about it all to your therapist who’s been in your life for few years is that she really knows your ins and outs. She able to challenge you and call out you on your own bullshit. I thought I know what was bothering me, and in the end that was the last on the list. Not the first time that has happened. My curse and a blessing has always been the fact that I know and want to know myself pretty darn well. I’ve never been afraid to go down and dirty with my feels. But with all of that I’ve always been super sensitive to the pressure that comes from outside, until the past year. My tolerance for pure shit has just ended. I will call you out if you treat me like shit, and will cut you out if you keep doing that to me. Simple as that. Obviously there’s always people in our lives who we aren’t able to just cut because they are in a way casualty through others, I know how bad that sounds but don’t know how to explain it in another way. You get my point.

So, I went to see her feeling all messed up, and came out with the clearest mind there can be. That messed up feeling had been mostly about the pressure of people who aren’t capable of taking me the way I am. Hi from the highly sensitive side of me… God there are times I wish I wouldn’t need to be like that, but then again how cool it is to be like this!

I thought that I am ready for something, which I’m truly not. The thing is that if I would be a guy no one would even think of saying things like “but your clock is ticking, I’m sure” or “I think you just need a man in your life”… There’s something really unnerving with the thought of a woman being completely happy with her life the way it is in this age. I’ve worked so damn hard to be where I am right now, that I am just enjoying it all without the need of something else. My priorities are weird as hell to most, but could I care less, not really. Motorcycle licence and that bike are pretty damn high on that list. Just sayin’.

And to be clear this all does not mean that I’m in some “I’m against men” phase, nope. I’m in that “I’m open if someone walks in my life” phase. But even if someone walks in it, that doesn’t mean that I have to jump to something straight away. I am willing to see with time if something comes, without the hurry to know it straight away.

I was reminded by how something super simple can feel the best, and how we don’t always need to do something. That I’m grateful. I love connections and breaking those age old barriers in me, that life has build around the true me I am. I yearn to feel a different kind of connection than just a lust or physical one. That’s just too easy. Anyone can do that, but talk to me and challenge me, that’s the stuff I need. And then show me what else you got.

I’m also in a phase in my life where I’m able to watch myself in the mirror and smile that smile you do when you have a crush on someone, but I just happen to have that on myself. I’ve worked so hard and never thought something like this could happen. But damn, I’ve never felt so comfortable with myself and my life. This shit is the best I know. Doubting my truth is pretty low these days, which feels amazing. Being me in and out, and finding who I am and being proud of that is something I’ve moved towards for so long. Now I’m reaping the benefits with the biggest smile on my face.

We are almost programmed to not be happy with what we have or who we are, that being unhappy is a normal state to many. I have no interest in that. I have been that enough in my life. Being content is not a bad thing to be. It doesn’t mean that you stop moving forward and wanting more, no, it means that you’re able to appreciate where you are after all you’ve been through. Let that push you and make you question what you want in a positive way.

I have no idea what will come in the next year, only that I will make that motorcycle dream come true, and those couple secret projects I have been cooking. And if in that year someone great walks in my life, I’m more than happy to see what that brings, or maybe they have already walked in. Let’s see.

PMA ❤