by Anni Vaara
Friends like mine, is a hashtag I use always when there’s been something that kind of blows my mind with love about my friends, because they rock. So this is almost like a appreciation post to my friends. Thank you for being you and in my life.
When I was a kid, or pretty much my whole childhood, I was pretty lone wolf. I just didn’t feel comfortable with that many people and I didn’t understand kids my age, so I usually felt the most comfortable with people a lot older than me. Or with my Grandpa in his woodworking shed. He let me be me, without trying to change anything. He also let me “mow the lawn” at winter, but that’s a whole another story.
It’s taken me most of my life to be confused about why I am the way I am and why is it so hard for me to have friendships. I just didn’t understand how you do that basic social thing. I sucked at it on a level that was pretty amazing. I yearned being alone and on my own so bad but at the same time just wanted someone to call me and be like “you want to do something”. But when that would, very rarely, happen I got very uncomfortable. So there’s a little tricky situation there.
The moment I started feeling like I have people in my life, more than one, that I feel are real friends to me was just couple of years ago. I’ve never had a best friend before now, or I think in a way I have two. But it was only couple of months ago when I actually said to one that am I your best friend, and that childlike feeling when she said that Yes, was so nice.
Me learning more about who I am and why some things are the way they are to me, has been such an eye opening and confusing and helpful and so many other things in one. But what’s been the most gratifying, has been the notion that I understand my own speciality with an appreciation and not with like there’s something wrong with me. The day when I realized that I’m an introvert and highly sensitive person, it was like some door opened that had been shut down so tight that it took a lot of work to even peak through the tiny opening. Since then I’ve started to really get to know myself differently, with a different mind.
What that has done to my journey with people as friends has also opened me, but taught that it’s okay to say that I can’t do something that I promised, because I need to listen to myself more. I’ve learned that I don’t need to always be able to be there for others, while forgetting myself. I’m equally important and the most important to myself.
“There is you and you.
This is a relationship.
This is the most important relationship.
– Nayyirah Waheed
What those two people who I really truly share my life, have done to me, is to not share too much of myself before the person actually deserves it. This has been a hard lesson for me, because of my “I always believe in the good in people which ends up usually me getting used and in pain”, not the best thing to have always, but well what can you do when you don’t want to think bad about others. I don’t trust easily these days, so if I tell you something personal, it usually means that I think you are trustworthy and I truly wish that you won’t disregard that with your behaviour.
It’s a bit hard these days when it feels at times that others think that we are somehow dispensable and kind of only take what’s good for them in that situation and then throw you and your openness away. It’s crazy hard to find the people who are good, and legit honest. I feel that honesty is something that is not in high regard these days. I don’t need your jokes if you can’t be honest with me about who you are. I’ve done my fair share with compromising, I don’t do that anymore without a good reason so please do not do that stuff to me. Just tell me who you are without thinking that I will straight up judge you. I’ve worked hard with my own insecurities that I’ve had since I was a kid and I just am proud of who I am now and have no interest in changing for the worst anymore, thank you.
But with that said, I am goddamn lucky to have those two in my life. Their honesty and straight forward respect of our relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to me. They support me, push me, challenge the fuck out of me, laugh and cry with me, and all that other stuff that is amazing. But what I love the most is that I truly trust them and can say what ever I need to get out of my chest, that I would never say to anyone else. They also are those good ones, who are there no matter where we are in this world, close or far, the friendship is there.
What my other friends that I’ve gotten these past couple of years have taught me, is that I am good and enough, they like me for me. I have gotten more open and happy with their help, they are all over the world and I am able to ask for help or offer my help if that is needed, and even better when we just feel the want to offer it. Having friends from completely different backgrounds, countries, religions, all of that, makes life so much richer, it opens your eyes, it makes you see people and world with more love and understanding. And we definitely need more of those two in this crazy world of ours.
Now that I am, once again, searching my good old self, getting back to those simple things that are good to me, I need that tough love that I get from my friends. That honest kind of love. They calm me down, make me feel safe, make me push myself to that next level that they see is in me but what I doubt. They remind me that I am okay, and that those things that I am afraid of are okay too. But that they are there for me while I am afraid and want to push on.
2016 is probably the scariest year ever. So much has changed, me the most. I am getting closer and closer to that me that I truly am. I’m letting go, of so many things that I’ve carried in me for years and years. I’m setting myself free, truly free. I am willing to give myself that break, again. I’m realizing how beautiful and diverse and brave I am. The fact that I am not like others is the best part of this all.
What I want to say is, Thank You, who are in my life. You make this journey better than it has ever been, with all the ups and downs. Thank You, I really deeply truly appreciate your friendship. ❤