Alone Isn’t Lonely Or?

received_10155286336068458.jpegAlone isn’t lonely or is it? There’s different kinds of lonely feelings or states of feeling lonely. Not everyone of them automatically mean that we want or need someone in our lives, like I feel that a lot of people assume when saying that I feel lonely.

Being and able of being alone isn’t a bad thing in any way. It’s necessary, without being able to be on your own and with yourself makes it really hard for you to be able to be with someone else. In a romantic relationship that is.

Though it is necessary to be able to be with your own self in peace, in general. To be able to take life without needing someone by your side is super important, at least to me. That doesn’t mean that we need to be alone all our lives, it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t need anyone in our lives, no. It means that we need to be able to be at peace without someone next to us all the time.

I’ve never been good at having a lot of people in my life. Never had loads of close friends. In general I suck at letting people close, or I suck at it in a way that even though I’ve been hurt and back stabbed multiple times, I let people too close and then end up regretting trusting them. So after quite a few, million, tries I’ve become fairly cautious with people. So usually when I let someone close and actually get a good feeling these days, I let them know, which can scare some and I understand that. I’m at times maybe too intensive of a person. Or my weird in tune with myself being can feel a bit too much to some. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve never been the one who is asked out to spend time that much. I tend to spend shit tons of time alone. Most of the time I’m okay with it, but lately I’ve really missed having more social time in my life. After that gazillioned Saturday night alone at home you just feel like there has to be more to this…

I think my feelings towards loneliness and feeling alone have changed over the years, the more I know myself the easier it is to be with myself. My deep introversion loves the easiness and peace of not having too much happening, but that tiny extrovert side in me yearns it from time to time, and lately I’ve yearned it a lot. I think I’m also a person that people think have a lot of stuff going on in my life all the time and don’t think I feel lonely, but oh how wrong you can be…

After losing two dear and close people in such a short amount of time, or actually three, you don’t even realise how to mourn the loss, it’s not something that is in some how to book and then boom, sorted! I think it’s slowly hitting home, the actual pain and empty feeling about it all.

I’ve been having these almost calling moments to my Grandpa lately, in the past week I’ve almost called him I guess 3 to 5 times. In the last minute I realise that there’s no answer if I do that. I miss him like crazy, I miss hearing his voice and telling him about all the things in my life at the moment. I know how insanely happy he would be to hear about my jobs. I just would love to talk with him about this thing we call life, I miss those times so much it hurts. And here I am writing and really realising that all while tears stream down. That’s how much it all is.

So this loneliness I’m feeling has nothing to do with wanting to have a boyfriend in my life, I know it’s the easy solution that too many think would solve something. I don’t even remember or know how to miss something like that. I don’t have moments too often when I hope that someone would sleep next to me and hold me, yes sometimes, but surprisingly rarely. It’s just not that time now. It’s time to heal myself first, then I think something might happen.

In fact it annoys me quite a bit how many people think because I’m this age, I am probably in a relationship or want one in a desperate way or something as ridiculously similar. That shit won’t make you happy if you’re not ready to really be in one. We all know too many unhappy relationships and not too many really happy ones…

It’s also all too normal these days to be in a situation in your life where you feel completely alone while being surrounded by others or in a relationship. Alone while not physically alone. Because I’ve had those experiences I’ve wanted to rather be alone than in a unhappy relationship or with a group of people I just get nothing from or who aren’t all that interested in me in any real way. So I knew the “risks” in my choices…

Being content and mostly happy on my own is a mystery to many, that’s okay to me. And I know it’s not cool to admit that you feel lonely as hell at times, and just stare at the wall or want to take naps for 3hours. And no that doesn’t automatically mean that my depression is back in full swing, I know the difference all too well, thank you. I just miss my favorite person like fucking crazy and that is making me feel extremely lonely at times, and it’s also reminding me of how little I have those real close people in my life. And I wish that I would have few more, just to have more to do on those weekend nights, which in a way makes me smile now that I write this. Because majority of my friends are in a relationship which means that they are with their significant others usually on those nights. And my wish to spend time doesn’t mean going out, it means spending time together.

While being most of the time extremely happy with my life these days, I absolutely hate these moments of loneliness. Because all I want is to be hugged by someone for a real long time and be able to feel that I’m not as alone as I feel right at this moment. In general I wish I would be hugged way more. I rarely say No to a hug, very rarely. Especially to bear hugs, those are the best ones.

More hugs, more honesty about how we really feel, more love in general. Always more love.



Ageing. Am I Worthy? Why Is Time Just Flying Past Me?

img_4451I think I’m finally in some kind of age crisis. I turned 32 last Wednesday and couple of months before that and every day after has been just roller coaster of feels. Looking myself completely different than before, feeling like I need to rush to live through all the things “I’m supposed to” and trying to remind myself that I am okay and “still” have time.

There was this funny moment last week, maybe couple of days before my birthday, I was in a elevator and was looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that damn I look older than I thought. And then I came home later and looked at myself again in the mirror and smiled and thought that “you look really nice and beautiful”. This all in the time span of few hours. That kind of sums up how I have been feeling lately with this all, ageing and time flying past me.

It’s a funny feeling when you look at your hands and see that the skin on them isn’t that youthful as it was just a little while ago. Where did the time go?

While at the same time I could not care less anymore what others think about my looks or what and how I do and live my life, I really, really struggle with not letting certain things, opinions and vibes from others going in, so deep that they can ruin my whole day.

How do I learn how to not let others get to me on that level? I’m 32 and struggling with something so simple. There’s this huge controversy with this all. Why not care but care so much at the same time? That’s definitely my main goal in life, to one day not let all of it get to me like that.

But I have these moments of almost looking others like I’m completely standing still in my life and them doing and living and flying past me, and I can only watch them like a movie. Feeling like I’m not doing the right things. Feeling like I’m not “normal” 32 years old. Like I’m supposed to have that relationship and at least one child by now. But at the same time I feel that there’s so many people around me who are in a similar situation as me, feeling as lost and empowered at the same time. Not sure if that is a relief or if it brings even more confusion.

The evening of last Tuesday I turned my phone off, like actually off, deep down wishing and hoping that when I open it in the morning of my Wednesday birthday it will be filled with Happy Birthday wishes and love. And that is me being completely honest about how I really, truly, wished to happen.

And then when I woke up in the morning… there was one message, from a person I hadn’t had any communication for many many years. That made me feel super sad and alone and a bit embarrassed how bummed I was. I told about that all to my little Sister, and she looked at me really funny and slapped me gently on my fore head for that all. Which obviously kicked some sense in me, but at the same time I realised how basic human feeling that was, not wanting to feel alone and unloved on your birthday. In a way, I didn’t have anyone who “had” to remember my birthday outside my family. Of course I wished that my closest friends remembers it but they don’t have to, and for some reason I knew that they love me even if they don’t remember.

And few hours later, my phone was just buzzing with wishes. With words and photos in them that made me full on tear up and feel like the biggest idiot. So my feelings went from one to completely another end of the spectrum in one day. In the end I actually had the best birthdays I’ve ever had. I felt so loved and grateful in the end of it all. But it definitely made me think about this all. Because in the end it’s only one day. And I needed all of those reminders that I am good enough and lovable and that so many people really really care about me.

Why do we always feel that we’re not enough or worthy? Why is it so easy to think that about ourselves? Why all of sudden we feel old when we really still have loads of life ahead of us? Is it that we think that we’re done already? Why the doubt?

“She wants somebody to love
To hold her
She wants somebody to love
In the right way
She wants somebody to love
To hold her
She wants somebody to love
In the right way
She wants somebody to love
To kiss her
She wants somebody to love”

Zayn – She

Lately I’ve gotten very public reminders of my worth. From people who genuinely know my darkest parts, those that make you feel that you’re not worthy about yourself. I’ve always been good at helping others see and remind them of their worth but then I stumble this hard at times with seeing it myself. A forever struggle.

Maybe it’s part this year and the last year and what happened. Maybe the fact that I had to pick my pieces and really look myself in the mirror and admit that I didn’t do anything wrong and at the same time admit what I need to change to be okay and not let those hurtful things happen again. There are moments in our lives when we just stand in front of something bigger than ourselves and feel so damn small that getting past that feels too big of a task. I’ve been in that lately. The fact that my health issues and the wait for the operation on my wrist just flipped the whole year upside down. Me turning that obstacle to a challenge that I want to see more good than bad in. Me realising how much I love and yearn to be alone and at the same time miss and yearn being loved by that one special. It’s a weird combination of feelings. I realise that I am ready and that I’m not there yet. Maybe this is a good place to be, because honestly I don’t think we can ever really be ready.

I hope that I can find a balance in this all. I want to embrace this journey that is ageing and my life. Being okay with what it brings. Not feeling like I am not worthy no matter what has happened in my past. I have so much love to give and to receive. I want to learn and be in peace with patience. I want to take my life with no rush but jump bravely when it feels like that, like I’ve done before. I want to see myself how others see me, at least at times. Because even I know that I am enough and lovable and amazing!


Is It Mandatory To Feel Lonely On A Friday Evening?

IMG_2134I was seriously thinking about that just now, is it or would it be mandatory to think that I am lonely if you’re in a certain age and you’re alone on a Friday evening? In my case, just now, sitting at an empty office after everyone else has left, basically devouring the emptiness and solitude that I don’t have too much in my life at the moment.

But this thought creeped in my head and in a way heart too, that am I lonely and sad that I am alone here on a Friday evening, when “I’m supposed to be having fun with my friends” or “with the one I love and who loves me”… Is it something that we’re expected to feel, especially after you turn 30?

Isn’t that the topic of so many romantic movies, that you feel all lonely and then you find someone and all will be so good… But now that I’ve read and talked and lived more and more, with so many different people from different places around the world, I’ve noticed that there’s a lot of us strong, really healthy proud, independent woman who aren’t really that in to just being with someone because it’s something that is expected from us. I love that fact that I have those Warrior Queens in my life, because the truth is that they make me feel better of the fact that I am growing to be me and what I am finding in myself. Some of them are in a relationship, some of them are single, but the thing that they all have and what I love about them, is the fact that they have a fire of passion in them of being exactly who they are, unapologetic.

I felt that when the last people left our office and I got the change to be alone here, it was almost like something in me wanted to feel unhappy with me being alone tonight. Which made me feel really weirded out, where, why and how on earth did that feeling even come to me? I’m not too unhappy with my life and how things are, so why? It is because I’ve been working really hard and long days and want to cuddle next to someone, yes that could be a part of it because that would just be really nice in general, but it’s not good enough of a reason. I definitely miss having someone close to me, I am a physical person who yearns touch and having that aspect of human contact in my life.

But at the same time, I am ecstatic of having this opportunity to be alone here now. Listening to new music I found with good stereos and sit still and read articles that I’ve saved for the week and just chill and enjoy the solitude of this all. If you’re wondering why I’m doing this at our office, it’s the simplest reason of me living at my parents place now that I moved back and even though I have a room it’s not the same as being all alone in peace.

Maybe I am going through my life and what will happen in the future in my head on some speed play mode these days. I feel like I am in some “I need to” headspace that has nothing to do with what I really feel the need to have. Almost like I am 31 now, so I need to have a boyfriend soon because if I don’t there’s definitely something wrong with me. Or if someone isn’t even interested in me then what is the point of this all, or what if no one even thinks I’m hot?! WHAT IF ALL OF THAT!

I’m surrounded by new, young families and couples in my worklife and then in my friendlife I’m surrounded by those and really awesome people that just don’t happen to be in a relationship without anything being wrong in that. But how much we all yearn for something that we don’t have? The ones that are in a relationship being alone, or even have that moment of solitude without feeling guilty of needing it, or the ones alone just wanting to be wanted and loved and next to someone?

I feel at times that something in me has decided that I need to feel wanted to be able to like myself, that is definitely something that creeps up from my old old old times of not loving myself. But something now is making that old fear jumping out of nowhere and just bothering the shit out of me… WHY?! Maybe I’m just afraid in me, somewhere deep, of those little things like “will anyone ever really want to be with me and love me the way I am?”, “will I ever find a boyfriend?”, “will I be alone forever?”. To be honest, those are pretty damn simple questions and for sure pop up to everyone from time to time in my situation. But also pretty unnecessary when you’re happier than ever.

This is the reality right now, I am able to do what I love, write, alone in a peaceful place with my favourite music in the background, enjoying my own self with no care in the world. That is not too shabby of a Friday after work. The truth is that one day I will be in a relationship again, with someone I really should be. I’m going to enjoy all these moments, because that’s all I should do.