Alone Isn’t Lonely Or?

received_10155286336068458.jpegAlone isn’t lonely or is it? There’s different kinds of lonely feelings or states of feeling lonely. Not everyone of them automatically mean that we want or need someone in our lives, like I feel that a lot of people assume when saying that I feel lonely.

Being and able of being alone isn’t a bad thing in any way. It’s necessary, without being able to be on your own and with yourself makes it really hard for you to be able to be with someone else. In a romantic relationship that is.

Though it is necessary to be able to be with your own self in peace, in general. To be able to take life without needing someone by your side is super important, at least to me. That doesn’t mean that we need to be alone all our lives, it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t need anyone in our lives, no. It means that we need to be able to be at peace without someone next to us all the time.

I’ve never been good at having a lot of people in my life. Never had loads of close friends. In general I suck at letting people close, or I suck at it in a way that even though I’ve been hurt and back stabbed multiple times, I let people too close and then end up regretting trusting them. So after quite a few, million, tries I’ve become fairly cautious with people. So usually when I let someone close and actually get a good feeling these days, I let them know, which can scare some and I understand that. I’m at times maybe too intensive of a person. Or my weird in tune with myself being can feel a bit too much to some. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve never been the one who is asked out to spend time that much. I tend to spend shit tons of time alone. Most of the time I’m okay with it, but lately I’ve really missed having more social time in my life. After that gazillioned Saturday night alone at home you just feel like there has to be more to this…

I think my feelings towards loneliness and feeling alone have changed over the years, the more I know myself the easier it is to be with myself. My deep introversion loves the easiness and peace of not having too much happening, but that tiny extrovert side in me yearns it from time to time, and lately I’ve yearned it a lot. I think I’m also a person that people think have a lot of stuff going on in my life all the time and don’t think I feel lonely, but oh how wrong you can be…

After losing two dear and close people in such a short amount of time, or actually three, you don’t even realise how to mourn the loss, it’s not something that is in some how to book and then boom, sorted! I think it’s slowly hitting home, the actual pain and empty feeling about it all.

I’ve been having these almost calling moments to my Grandpa lately, in the past week I’ve almost called him I guess 3 to 5 times. In the last minute I realise that there’s no answer if I do that. I miss him like crazy, I miss hearing his voice and telling him about all the things in my life at the moment. I know how insanely happy he would be to hear about my jobs. I just would love to talk with him about this thing we call life, I miss those times so much it hurts. And here I am writing and really realising that all while tears stream down. That’s how much it all is.

So this loneliness I’m feeling has nothing to do with wanting to have a boyfriend in my life, I know it’s the easy solution that too many think would solve something. I don’t even remember or know how to miss something like that. I don’t have moments too often when I hope that someone would sleep next to me and hold me, yes sometimes, but surprisingly rarely. It’s just not that time now. It’s time to heal myself first, then I think something might happen.

In fact it annoys me quite a bit how many people think because I’m this age, I am probably in a relationship or want one in a desperate way or something as ridiculously similar. That shit won’t make you happy if you’re not ready to really be in one. We all know too many unhappy relationships and not too many really happy ones…

It’s also all too normal these days to be in a situation in your life where you feel completely alone while being surrounded by others or in a relationship. Alone while not physically alone. Because I’ve had those experiences I’ve wanted to rather be alone than in a unhappy relationship or with a group of people I just get nothing from or who aren’t all that interested in me in any real way. So I knew the “risks” in my choices…

Being content and mostly happy on my own is a mystery to many, that’s okay to me. And I know it’s not cool to admit that you feel lonely as hell at times, and just stare at the wall or want to take naps for 3hours. And no that doesn’t automatically mean that my depression is back in full swing, I know the difference all too well, thank you. I just miss my favorite person like fucking crazy and that is making me feel extremely lonely at times, and it’s also reminding me of how little I have those real close people in my life. And I wish that I would have few more, just to have more to do on those weekend nights, which in a way makes me smile now that I write this. Because majority of my friends are in a relationship which means that they are with their significant others usually on those nights. And my wish to spend time doesn’t mean going out, it means spending time together.

While being most of the time extremely happy with my life these days, I absolutely hate these moments of loneliness. Because all I want is to be hugged by someone for a real long time and be able to feel that I’m not as alone as I feel right at this moment. In general I wish I would be hugged way more. I rarely say No to a hug, very rarely. Especially to bear hugs, those are the best ones.

More hugs, more honesty about how we really feel, more love in general. Always more love.

PMA ❤

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The Funny Thing Is That We Don’t Really Have As Much Time As We Think…

received_10155286336103458.jpegI’ve read those words quite a few times in the past years. It took until end of 2016 and all of 2017 to really deeply understand what they mean. We really need to lose a lot to understand how delicate and short this life of ours is. We love to judge others, no interest in understanding why some do what they do or decide to do with their lives. Why would we when we aren’t really living and doing what we truly want?

I was in a massive stress ball the whole of 2017, wondering at times why I just keep trucking along despite it all. When I lost my Grandpa, I made decisions I knew would set me free. My body was not in a good state because of the amount of the stress, my mind was strong as fuck but my exhaustion levels ran so high that I didn’t even know myself at times. I was just moving forward because I didn’t know anything else. I wanted to handle what I had with a manner that I could stand behind. I roughly saying, deleted people from my life that I needed to be without, knowing that my choices will cause some words, not caring because I knew I’m doing the right thing for myself. The way I handled 2017, I am immensely proud of myself, knowing I’ve made mistakes on the way like normal human beings do but being true to myself and fixing my errors when needed. I lived the year that I thought wasn’t even real at times, with the honesty I didn’t know before I had in me. So can not be anything else than proud.

I read this article today about what and how would we live our lives if we knew that we only have a week left to live? Or 5 years or 6 months? Have you ever thought about those, I have… My last year got me too close to those thoughts. Even though I thought that I’ve lived honestly the past years of my life, I knew nothing. I’m not saying that it’s always needed to lose a lot to see more clearly but shit, when you lose loved ones that shit makes you think. Especially when you lose a close friend whose the same age as you and someone whose been in your life since day 1.

I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s completely okay. No problem whatsoever. I’m not living for you or your imaginary friend, I’m here for me and my loved ones, while being good to all who are around me because I have no need to not be nice to you unless you do something that makes me question your being. I do judge at times, I’m a goddamn human, so will never be perfect which is actually really freeing. But I will also be me without compromising, I have no time for that anymore. If you can’t take me, that’s not really my problem, sorry. Basically if I need to sum it up, it’s like this… Fuck expectations, no time for that, do you, be you, stay humbly honest and YOU!

Good friend of mine wrote about how this all glorified freelance life isn’t actually for everyone and how there’s nothing wrong with loving and doing your 9 to 5. I was in the middle of changing my life to what it is now and had been battling with where I should be heading work wise for the past few years, especially after my wrist surgeries. She was able to nail all my feels about who I am and how I have been feeling. I’m forever grateful for her words that came when they came. Partly because of them and this childlike dream, I work where I work now and goddamn love every damn day of it. Yes, it’s still just a month in but damn I’m back to what I love. I am, whether I want it or not, a customer service kind of worker, that’s my jam, that’s where I excel. That’s weirdly in my being and core. I always thought that it’s a thing you do when you’re young and then you need to grow up from it and figure out something grown up to do?! But what the fuck is that?! If you are at your best when helping people, and you can do your job with honesty and sell things that you believe in, why not actually do what you were meant to do? And once I started at my job, I realised how I’ve basically done the same job in different ways my whole life, if I’ve gone away from my path I have been doing really badly, so keep doing you, once again. So, oh hai, I’m your local heritage jeans and boots sales lady. And I love the shit out of my job!

But is there anything I feel I miss in my life, now that I have a dream job and another starting next week? I have dream friends, not many but that’s what I love. Family who supports me.

Well… If you’ve read my pieces longer, you know that I haven’t been the luckiest with love but always been courageous and had a faith in the whole thing, no matter what. But you also have to realise that I’ve been alone for a reason for the past 3ish years. Once you’ve been hurt the way I have and you want to get out better on the other side and not carry the weight of your old pain to something new, you want and need to be on your own to fix your own damn self. Love being who you are alone, and that’s what I’ve done. I have no problem being on my own, this shit rocks, maybe too much at times for my own good. But my heart is still on my sleeve, never left, just questioned if it was smart anymore.

It’s taken me few years to come to a place in my life where I feel that I would be willing to let someone in my life. I don’t need someone but there’s starting to be room for someone in it. I don’t yearn love or someone, but in all honesty I do have moments when I yearn the feel of someones skin on mine, or touch of someones fingers, or cuddles, spooning or hugs from behind. Yeah, those things I miss these days at some moments. And sex, because I’m a grown ass woman who loves her body. Nothing wrong with that.

There’s also this funny thing, that I could be super jealous of my best friend and his new love, which is annoyingly perfect and amazing. But I’m just that annoying myself that I’m over the moon happy for him and his love. That shit makes me happy, because the happiness I wish for someone I love is that kind of happiness. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m lacking something, it makes me think how damn lucky I’m to have a friend like that and to see that kind of real love. A love I have in me, and one day someone to shower with it.

After working pretty much all the time since I started, because I really love what I do, if I didn’t tell you that already, I am having a rare free Saturday today, which is the weirdest feeling ever. As I’ve lived very much freely for the past couple of years with no real days in my life. It’s also one of the first days in really long time that I am doing nothing as I had done everything during the week, I had nothing to do even at home that should be done. I felt lost and just wanted to go to work. But there are benefits when being alone when that feels weird. It’s needed. You might feel that you want to do something, or feel restless or just confused, that shit is normal. Just relax. And I’m saying that as much to myself as to you.

In all honesty, at the moment I’m in my sweats, drinking red wine I got for Christmas from a regular glass and listening to Finnish grime. All the while I kind of hoped spending tonight in a different manner, this will do. And that’s me being honest, even if I was a bit bummed before. We all need these moments when we wish for something else and get this haha. This stuff is life.

So, with all that being said, I’m not about making new years resolutions but I am challenging myself to keep my home clean and organized because I had no energy last year for that and I would love to have my home ready for someone to visit whenever, even though my home is kind of holy to me… But still, this is a challenge that my mind will thank me for.

PMA ❤

Summer of ’15

image2 (5)And now that the summer is almost over, at least on some of our minds and work has started again and we need to get “back at it”, I’m in that same place… And starting my new job today.

My summer of ’15 has been so much!

Yesterday I realized that it’s only been little over two months since I moved to Copenhagen, even though I feel like it’s been a year or something. When stuff is really happening, we tend to forget that it’s good to put things into perspective and think of the time that really has passed and understand to be a bit nicer to ourselves. Time goes so fast by these days that certain things feel a lot harder than they should. Something that is hard feels to be dragging on forever and then you realize that it has only been a month, which in the grand scheme of things is nothing. So I had to do a little Note To Self on Monday, when life felt like the hardest ever and all had fallen on me and nothing felt like it’s going to be okay.

“We tend to forget that baby steps still move you forward.”

All in all, I’ve definitely had the best summer of my life. It does contain some of the hardest times too, but I have to put them all into perspective and realize that it has been a very short period of time and so so much has happened. Patience is needed, I guess. I’ve got to start a new life in new country, got so many amazing new friends, missed my old ones like crazy, gone to an amazing trip almost around the world with my family, fallen in love, cried a lot, laughed even more, hugged as much I can, had to make the hardest decision of my life and give up my dog for the best of us both, thought that everything is okay only to realize that everything is different that I thought. Fallen down, literally and metaphorically, and always climbed back up, no idea how at times. But I have, and even though I don’t feel like that now, I know that I will do it again and again.

I’ve noticed, even more than before, that we as humans these days, want everything to happen NOW, not tomorrow or later, now. And that means that we have no patience or understanding that certain things take time. Shit gets real and we have to be respectful of what is going on, not just rush through it all. Just to be clear I do suck at this at times, a lot. We also tend to always let other people affect our happiness, while forgetting that when they hurt us, it’s usually their own pain coming to us. We all deserve to be happy and loved, that’s it.

I’ve had a hell of a year, and when I was thinking of all the things that has happened… I feel very lucky to be this okay with myself and all that has happened. I could be in a mess of a place with myself, but I’ve managed to get stronger and more and more okay with myself and what is happening around me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t freak out at times, hell no, and Oh I do! But if I compare how I dealt with things last year, there’s a huge difference to a better.

What I wish from myself now, is that I give myself time to be patient and loving, not only to others but to myself too. Good things take sometimes a bit more time to than the ones that doesn’t matter in the end. I can let people mess me up, but I’m the one in the end who is in charge of what is going on in my life. It’s okay to feel like shit and like everything is just the worst ever, but I don’t want to stay in that for too long, as it just drags me to my old depressive ways. Not a place I want to visit if I don’t need. I still need to remind myself that me being happy is my own decision, nothing to do with others. I still want to keep certain people in my life, and leave certain out, for my own good. I still am willing to fight for the things I believe in, and not just give up once the going gets tough. And I will love, that’s it.

So, it’s only been couple of months, and so much has happened. That doesn’t mean that I have to freak out. I can try to be thankful for all of it and let it sink in. Whatever has been going on, there’s still been way more good than bad. In all honesty I do feel like the luckiest girl in the world after this summer. And with all in it, I would not change a thing.

I want to keep believing in the good, love like I have, work on my patience. It’s going to be okay.

PMA ❤image1 (10)

From Then To Now

Lately I’ve been thinking how I’m able to keep pushing on these days, when I’ve had so much changes and lost so much in such a small amount of time.

There are times in life when you just want to say I can’t anymore, before I would’ve just given up and fallen into my depression hole. Now after two years of change, I don’t seem to give myself any chance in doing that these days. Which is really nice thing to notice, but there are days when all the positivity and energy is a bit lost and I just have to try to keep pushing, even though I have no interest in that all.

The first thing I was thinking the last time I got a blow to my life, was that I have to run. I have to do that. I knew that if I run, I will feel a little better, and I’m able to get my head a bit clearer. I have to let the running heal me and ease that pain.

And I was thinking that I have to remember why I started running, to get that anxious and sad energy out and try to not give up. I need to show how strong I truly am now, not let my pain suck me backwards because I’ve worked SO hard to be where I am now. I don’t have time to give up, too much good going on to just let it all fall. I have a bloody Ultra to run in less than two months!

Before I didn’t obviously know it, but I used the pain in me as a fuel, and that’s what I need to do now too.

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All The Feels

All the feels, yes… ALL. THE. FEELS!

When you wake up with a huge migraine with nausea and weirdly feeling hungry, it’s not the best way to start your Monday.

And on top of that all the bloody feelings come down at the same time. Winning!
After my Grandma passed away my life has been in such a change that I still have no idea what is going on at times.
Mostly things have been more than good, maybe that’s the overwhelming part. When you’re riding on that positive adreline, you don’t feel like you need to be sad or have time to calm down snd really feeling what’s tucked under it all.

Well, today that all came out from my eyeballs… All the pain and sadness of losing my Grandma, the hurt of not being with the person I love the most. Missing my people like crazy!
Just sobbing and letting it all come out. I needed that, I still need more of that.

Thanks to one of my dearest friends, I got to talk about how I’m feeling and got out all those things that I needed and the okay to let myself be all weak with sadness. Thank you, you know who you are! ❤️
It’s not too easy to be that weak, and I have no problem to cry. But the last months have been needing me more in this “be strong” mode. And when I’ve taken it easy, I’ve been so tired that I haven’t even had any energy to cry.

Now I know that I need to cry more, I just have to get all that out of my system.

So, remember that it’s okay to be weak. I need to practise that more, obviously.

❤️