Is It Mandatory To Feel Lonely On A Friday Evening?

IMG_2134I was seriously thinking about that just now, is it or would it be mandatory to think that I am lonely if you’re in a certain age and you’re alone on a Friday evening? In my case, just now, sitting at an empty office after everyone else has left, basically devouring the emptiness and solitude that I don’t have too much in my life at the moment.

But this thought creeped in my head and in a way heart too, that am I lonely and sad that I am alone here on a Friday evening, when “I’m supposed to be having fun with my friends” or “with the one I love and who loves me”… Is it something that we’re expected to feel, especially after you turn 30?

Isn’t that the topic of so many romantic movies, that you feel all lonely and then you find someone and all will be so good… But now that I’ve read and talked and lived more and more, with so many different people from different places around the world, I’ve noticed that there’s a lot of us strong, really healthy proud, independent woman who aren’t really that in to just being with someone because it’s something that is expected from us. I love that fact that I have those Warrior Queens in my life, because the truth is that they make me feel better of the fact that I am growing to be me and what I am finding in myself. Some of them are in a relationship, some of them are single, but the thing that they all have and what I love about them, is the fact that they have a fire of passion in them of being exactly who they are, unapologetic.

I felt that when the last people left our office and I got the change to be alone here, it was almost like something in me wanted to feel unhappy with me being alone tonight. Which made me feel really weirded out, where, why and how on earth did that feeling even come to me? I’m not too unhappy with my life and how things are, so why? It is because I’ve been working really hard and long days and want to cuddle next to someone, yes that could be a part of it because that would just be really nice in general, but it’s not good enough of a reason. I definitely miss having someone close to me, I am a physical person who yearns touch and having that aspect of human contact in my life.

But at the same time, I am ecstatic of having this opportunity to be alone here now. Listening to new music I found with good stereos and sit still and read articles that I’ve saved for the week and just chill and enjoy the solitude of this all. If you’re wondering why I’m doing this at our office, it’s the simplest reason of me living at my parents place now that I moved back and even though I have a room it’s not the same as being all alone in peace.

Maybe I am going through my life and what will happen in the future in my head on some speed play mode these days. I feel like I am in some “I need to” headspace that has nothing to do with what I really feel the need to have. Almost like I am 31 now, so I need to have a boyfriend soon because if I don’t there’s definitely something wrong with me. Or if someone isn’t even interested in me then what is the point of this all, or what if no one even thinks I’m hot?! WHAT IF ALL OF THAT!

I’m surrounded by new, young families and couples in my worklife and then in my friendlife I’m surrounded by those and really awesome people that just don’t happen to be in a relationship without anything being wrong in that. But how much we all yearn for something that we don’t have? The ones that are in a relationship being alone, or even have that moment of solitude without feeling guilty of needing it, or the ones alone just wanting to be wanted and loved and next to someone?

I feel at times that something in me has decided that I need to feel wanted to be able to like myself, that is definitely something that creeps up from my old old old times of not loving myself. But something now is making that old fear jumping out of nowhere and just bothering the shit out of me… WHY?! Maybe I’m just afraid in me, somewhere deep, of those little things like “will anyone ever really want to be with me and love me the way I am?”, “will I ever find a boyfriend?”, “will I be alone forever?”. To be honest, those are pretty damn simple questions and for sure pop up to everyone from time to time in my situation. But also pretty unnecessary when you’re happier than ever.

This is the reality right now, I am able to do what I love, write, alone in a peaceful place with my favourite music in the background, enjoying my own self with no care in the world. That is not too shabby of a Friday after work. The truth is that one day I will be in a relationship again, with someone I really should be. I’m going to enjoy all these moments, because that’s all I should do.

TREAT YO SELF. LOVE YOURSELF. BE ENOUGH FOR YOURSELF AND IF YOU’RE NOT CHANGE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE ENOUGH. DANCE ON YOUR OWN TO YOUR FAVOURITE TUNES. SING IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT. LOVE EVERY DAMN MOMENT. PMA ❤

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Feeling Myself – Body Positive Post

Yeah, that's me. Few tattoos less but all me.  Photo Joni Helminen

Yeah, that’s me. Few tattoos less but all me.
Photo Joni Helminen

Body positive. Feeling myself. All the self love. Being proud of who you are and loving it all.

That is definitely happening in my life these days. For few months my confidence about myself and especially about my body has just soared, like it has been kept secret and all of sudden I’m allowed to let it all out. I’ve never felt this good about carrying myself when I’m out and about. When I see myself these days on the mirror or a window or whatever, I look at myself and I am genuinely proud. Usually I even say to myself that I look damn fine. Something I should’ve done for so long, but better now than never.

As women, we are supposed to be crazy sexy and this and that all the time, but at the same time we aren’t supposed to be happy with who we are. We shouldn’t be happy with our bodies, because we’ve been told for most of our lives that we aren’t enough and we should be skinnier and have bigger boobs or whatever comes next. I’ve definitely gone through all the changes with myself and still always felt that I’m just not enough. But that fight is finally over. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s the change in myself, maybe it’s all the life experience that I have behind me. Whatever it is, it’s over.

I’m finally happy and proud of my body and who I have inside of it. Damn I love the confidence I carry now. I’m not perfect, and I love that. I feel the sexiest when I’m me. And that’s probably the biggest compliment ever in my life.

Today when I was walking in the city, here in Copenhagen, I was just blown away by the attention I got from guys. Seriously, I’m not used to stuff like that. As someone whose from Finland, where people don’t really go all out on the compliments, this is new to me. Or the other end that I got in Germany, those nasty catcalls and any sexual harassment choices you can think of, that only made me feel unsafe. So when my experiences are something like that, getting nice smiles, looks that are almost appreciative, genuine nice compliments feels pretty damn nice. They boost the confidence I had about myself. Which is the best way to take them. I don’t need them to make me feel confident and sexy, because I feel pretty hot anyways, but they sure make me feel nice.

My body has gone through so much over the years that the fact that I am happy with what I have now, is a miracle. But I’ve found who I am through it all. I don’t need to dress sexy to feel sexy. For example today, I was wearing basic white t-shirt, blue jeans and Blundstone boots, wouldn’t say first that those make you get all the boys to the yard. BUT, this is the thing, I felt damn good in them. I felt that I can conquer the world. I was wearing something that made me feel like me and confident.

And this is a great example that less is more, as in wear what makes you feel confident. Not wear less clothes, or if that makes you feel confident do that. Because we all have different ways to feel confident. But do the thing that really feels good to you.

One of the best feelings in the world is when you just feel yourself and that might come with age, but damn I’m loving it all. When you can just say that I look damn fine and mean it and be proud of it all. You might sound like you’re bragging, I don’t care. Be goddamn proud if you feel like that. IMG_8050

Once I said to myself that I am okay with little extra on my booty and thighs, and that my boobs aren’t as they were before, and that you can see the life I’ve lived on my skin, my life got so much better. Seriously, the moment I accepted who I am. Once I stopped saying that there’s something wrong with me, damn life got better. I want to look and feel real. I want to be strong in and out. I want to be proud of all the hard work I put in and what you can see on my body. I never want to see too skinny, because that’s not me. I want to have a little junk in the trunk, because that makes me feel sexy. I want to be able to sway my ass when I walk and feel feminine. And of course I want to be able to shake that junk on the dance floor.

I love that I have friends who are genuinely proud of their bodies just like they are. Damn we are hot! I get so much power from those ladies, celebrating their gorgeous bodies, in their own ways and in so different bodies. All in all, we all should be proud of what we have. We should accept that perfect is not what we should be, but be real. Real is always better than what you’re not.

My definition of sexy is very different than someone else’s but that’s the beauty of it, we are different and that’s what we should be. I might be wearing the simplest things but if I feel damn hot in them, it shows. It’s that bit of a mystery that makes it all more sexy, in my mind at least.

When you are okay with yourself, with all your imperfections and scars, world just becomes so much better. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never have ugly days or days when you feel like shit, that is normal but if the majority of time you love yourself, you’ll be on the right track.

And couple important things I’ve learned the last couple of years. First, if you’re not happy with something, change it, do not complain about it but are not willing to do anything. Second, when you change, it doesn’t mean that your closest people will see it and say something, so do not expect that boost coming from outside, it has to come from yourself first. If you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t be happy. Point blank.

Things that make me feel sexy in my body: my strong muscular legs, my soft and round booty and hips, my waist that has found it’s shape and is feminine, my small breasts, my wide and warrior like shoulders, my strong jawline and high cheekbones, my crazy blue eyes, my thick hair and my teeth gap.

Things that I’ve learned to do with my body and make me feel confident and sexy: I’ve studied my body and it’s curves and lines and learned how to use them, I’ve danced so much that I’ve learned how to use my body how I want to, I’ve done so many different physical things with my body that I know what it can do and how much it endures, the fact that I am able to do things that many will never even think about makes me feel pretty damn hot, I’ve looked at myself naked so much that I’ve seen myself in many different weights and changes, but ended up being happy with the skin I live in.

I also started doing this thing couple of years ago, and it really works. Every day, when you see yourself in the mirror, always say something nice about yourself to yourself. Preferably out loud. Say I love you. You look good girl. I’m proud of you. Whatever it would be, say it, be proud of yourself and say positive things to yourself and you’ll start seeing yourself in a more positive way. Remember what you think and say to yourself, you become and feel, and your body will believe just that. If it’s negative you will feel shitty and carry the pain in you, and your body will react in that way. If it’s positive, you will feel good and your body will thank you with ability to do what you want.

“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.” – Epiphany

When I end my posts with the letters PMA, I mean them. I actually have them tattooed on my arm. The funny thing is that I got them when I was very far from being and living that, Positive Mental Attitude. Maybe it was a sign that one day I’ll learn the meaning of them. I definitely have. What it means for me is just that, trying to have a positive attitude to everything in life, take those bad and shitty days and moments with an attitude of gratitude and learn from them all. All that comes back to how I see myself and my body. I would not be able to see myself like I do these days without my whole mindset changing. It’s impossible. We are a whole thing, not one part good and others bad.

As a woman, as a big sister, I want to be an example to others and younger girls that being who we are is so powerful. I want to show that being honest and raw and real are so amazing. That mistakes and scars are the thing that makes us beautiful. That sex and being sexy is so much more than being naked and in tiny clothes. That being a bit different is so good. And smile is always the best accessory to carry with.

So all in all, attention from guys is a nice bonus, but not the definition of who I am or how hot I feel I am. That all needs to come from myself, I need to see myself in that way and then others see it too.

Let’s be proud of what we have, all that we have. Don’t ever let someone make you feel like the real you is bad! Let’s celebrate our differences. Let’s celebrate our curves, our skinny sisters, all the shapes and sizes there is. We all are equally beautiful! Who run the world, GIRLS! ❤

PMA ❤

Body Appreciation

IMG_6769I’ve been having a hard time with accepting my evolving body.

It’s not only about the fact that all this running and trying to eat better obviously has changed how I look but realizing that I’m getting older and how that effects the skin I live in.

For some reason it’s super hard for me to see the true me when I look in the mirror. When I was at my biggest, I was around 80kg and I’ve gone from that to less than 60kg and everything in between. And that has left marks on my body and a relationship that is not the best at times.

I’ve always felt that I have quite masculine built in me, broad shoulders for a girl, hard jawline. Without any make up I look kind of androgynous… Not sure if the strength and power in that all always pleases me, though in a way it’s pretty amazing. Not that bad to look strong.

But it’s always made me feel that I don’t know how I truly want to look, and what to wear, is my ass too big for this and that. No joke, just in reality it’s been too this and that quite a few times. And if I’ve found what I want to wear, I feel like I’m the poor mans version. Why?! Why do I see the “flaws” first when looking at the photo in the beginning of this post. Why don’t I see that strong ass back of mine, which carries me everyday. How amazing it is to have a strong back?!

And my relationship with food has been really weird for, well pretty much my whole adult life. I still haven’t found a way to have a healthy relationship with food. Struggle is definitely real. I’ve always been a feeling eater, no matter how I felt, I always ate. Or didn’t eat, I’ve had those periods too. Not completely off from food but when I felt confused with all else, I think I was controlling at least that part. And the same goes with eating too much crap. Chips/crisps… my eternal battle. Whether I feel bad or good, I always go for them. Even though they are the sole reason, pretty much, that I weighted that 80kg. They make me feel like shit most of the time, but of that salty yum.

And now… I’m getting old, at least I’ve understood that. So, how my body takes this all now. All of sudden all that became real and I thought to myself, shit I can’t do whatever all the time anymore and wish for some magic trick to save me.

The truth is that I’m terrified of really looking how I know that I want to and I already did few months ago, before I totally freaked out and sabotaged the whole thing. Yay! I have that all in me, I just need to believe that I’m 100% worth it and I’m allowed to be damn proud of my hot body!

I have those moments, that I look at myself and think that I’m beautiful and hot and sexy, but lately I’ve been really lost and just don’t find that confidence in myself and try to seek it from somewhere else, without getting it and obviously seeking something like that doesn’t really help, it just messes with your head. You feel like your worth is based solely on your looks and oh my, I’m so much more than that! I just need to realize and truly see how amazing I am these days! IMG_6774

That part of myself annoys me so much, to put myself down like that and not seeing how huge of a difference is the me today and the me two years ago! I’m mad that I feel that I need that outside confirmation of my looks to believe it, and would I even believe it if someone said it… Because I’m really shitty at taking any kind of compliment. So a bit of a catch something something.

The thing is that when you change as much as I have in such a short amount of time, it would be weird to not be confused but when all these new feelings come and try to trip you over, that stuff is a lot to take.

Since I’ve started feeling better about myself, I’ve started feeling stronger, more feminine, sexier, powerful and just more like goddess. Yeah, that’s the word. I’m able to stand in front of people and be all yeah this is me! But I also still compare myself to others, because I’m not strong enough yet.

But I think we all need a confirmation of this all, we need someone to come to us and say that Damn! It’s natural. That’s what I feel that I need, though I do try to say that to myself when looking in the mirror. Because I need to be thinking like I’m the hottest, it has to come from me.

Before I wanted to blend in the back round, now I want to be standing proud and be bravely ME! I think my presence needs to match my loud laugh haha :D.

I am so proud of who I am and am becoming, so so proud! Because first time ever, it’s only me whose done it all, no one else, only me. And I should be proud!

I want to accept that this all is part of my journey and it’s natural to be all confused but I also need to remember how far I’ve come already. And the great thing is that I have no idea where I’m going, but I do know that it will be amazing!

I want to be fiercely proud of my hard work and achievements, that’s my goal! And I am hot! Goddamn!IMG_6755