Will There Be Enough Time For My Dreams With This Pandemic

Out of nowhere today, I had this gut wrenching fear of time just slipping away from me and my dreams for my future, and for now too. Simply put, will there be enough time for my dreams to be able to come true or even have a chance with this pandemic that has gotten us all in it’s grip.

As a single woman, close to 37 years under my belt with dreams of children and a loving relationship, on top of being able to move to another country, will my time be enough with it slipping away from us at the same time.

This pandemic has brought mostly positive things in my life, which always feels a bit wrong to say, but personally it has been a blessing and a answer to my previously exhausted prayers. But the reality is that we’ve lived through the first year already with close to no real end in sight, and that is starting to bring up tiny moments of despair.

Last year I spent a month being sick with the virus, and in that month in ways finding myself again, for me that break of all was exactly what I had needed and gave me the opportunity to remind myself of my actual dreams and in the end of who I am and want to be. And so began the “work” to move towards just that.

With being laid off from my job I had another opportunity to stop and listen to myself, it also feels almost wrong to say that for me that was the best outcome at that time. To loose your job in this current state of the world is not something to wish for, but I was so burned out and not in a place I should’ve been anymore. I had been unhappy and stuck for too long already.

But now, with time passing daily without no control from my desires of it slowing down even a bit, I have had moments of oh dear, what if I won’t have enough time after all of this is done, or will it ever be completely done.

The stronger I am mentally and slowly again physically too, the clearer my hopes and dreams and goals for the future are too. All that meditation and writing daily has done it’s magic, not to mention the benefit and guidance of therapy. Every day I admit more and more to myself, things that I used to push aside from fear and belief that they are not for me.

I’ve been thinking will this pandemic change our approach towards love, relationships and connection with others. There’s a huge part in me that really wishes it would. It has already shown how the slowing down of pace of life has done many of us good in ways we didn’t know we could even wish for. It has shown sides in people that have been hidden when the pace has been faster, and with that made connection with others either closer or ending all.

Clearing our circles is not the worst that can happen, clearing our minds and in the end bodies too. Was this the “detox” many of us has been trying to find somehow? We’ve tried so many things, but when we had to slow down it started working finally. Showed us our fears, worries and ugly sides like never before. But most of all, the sides that keep us together and close, like never before too.

It’s less than two months til I turn 37 and today the fear caught up with me.

When I was close to 18, I was diagnosed with epilepsy and I still remember how my first question to the doctor was that can I have children. From all the questions I could’ve asked, that came out of my mouth without me probably even realising it’s weight.

As a woman, I am carrying a weight of certain “have to’s” since the day I am born. And with time we find which of them are the ones we feel good for us, while learning usually the hard way how to carve our own way if we feel that stepping outside of the path is the thing for us even a little bit.

So for years I had this certainty in me that I will want to have children, and when the day came that I realised that I don’t HAVE to I remember how this massive weight lifted from my uterus and I felt free. I didn’t have to any of that, even though people around me were doing what they we’re “supposed” to. I played with the idea of having kids with two of my ex boyfriends but I knew deep down in me that that would be the worst for both of us. Yes, I would’ve loved the child if it would’ve come to that, but still my body and mind knew better.

And then I got sick with covid and had an opportunity to basically think for a month. When all you can do is to lay in your bed, and you are a deep thinker, you will do just that. I remember how I missed my late Grandpa, how I noticed that I thought about his last year, and all the time I spent with him, all the talks about life and love and death we had. I remembered how my childhood was overflowing with love thanks to so many people, no matter how there was uncertainty and trauma too. In the end I realised that my biggest fear would be to be completely alone in the end. No matter how much we annoyed each other, on purpose at times, with Grandpa he was not alone in his last days. Even with Grandma passing before him. He reminded me of me, we were always super close and shared a connection that was special. He understood me and that gave me comfort and the knowledge that I’m worthy of it all. I just forgot the last part in my adult years. Thankfully me and my worth are very much finding our way back together now.

But with all that time to think, I had to admit to myself that I do want to, if I’m lucky enough, have kids with someone I really love. Both things that I’ve pushed aside for all too long.

It took me over 5 years to heal from my last relationship and then there were few months of terror towards the idea of love.

Admitting we want something good in our lives can be the hardest thing ever, at least it was for me.

But how has and will this pandemic change the way we move forward with love in mind?

Are we able to open ourselves easier and maybe faster to someone than before, because we’ve realised the value of time?

Will we trust love and connection more after this experience, we all have to go through?

Is facetime and messages enough to build a strong bond between two, or is the lack of possibility for physicality the blessing we’ve needed to actually build a connection?

Are we able to push fear and “rules” aside when creativity is the key with the possibility of new love?

Will we be brave enough to just be us, infront of someone who our heart feels something we don’t understand yet?

I understand the frustration and tiredness of this all, especially with younger people than me with over ten years more time to experience life with. But people like me, getting closer to 40 with no control over time, we or very much at least me, feel deep fear too. Weird calm fear. Our wishes and hopes for the future tend to be quite a bit different at this stage of our lives.

As a woman, I’ve definitely noticed that while it’s been so joyous to see new baby bumbs popping up all over the place, and what better time to do that than now. It has also reminded me of what I wish to have. Not only the child part, but even more the fact that at this moment I am alone, with no possible connection with a man that I would get to know in a way that could end up with time with me having that baby in my belly.

I am more than aware of the time that is passing and my bodys ability to be a vessel for a little one. There’s so many things in life I don’t fear at all, I love getting older in so many ways that it’s hard to count, but when it comes to love and the possibility of family, some kind of clock has started ticking. At the same time I find myself being an realist and knowing that nothing is given, that a child will always be a blessing and I don’t take that possibility for granted. But I’ve started noticing this gut wrenching terror with it too, what if I don’t have enough time?

Its the what if of it all.

As someone who is not super outgoing even when times were more suited for it, and as one who always yearns for deeper connection that would come from the old ways of talking, really talking and getting to know before all the physicality, I find myself feeling a bit confused by how we should build new connections now.

Not to mention the silly little fact that I’ve known for years that where I live now will not be my forever place. So moving countries is still due to happen, on top of everything else.

I’m wondering what old rules apply when this is all gone, or are we just making new ones as the time passes us with no respect or interest in our hopes for it to slow down even a bit. Should we just take that risk even easier now than before?

There are moments when the fear of not having enough time is real. And I would assume I’m not alone.

I’ve never had more trust and hope for the future to end up good, but this fear that I can’t control is there too.

Has 2020 Changed How We View Relationships?

Yeah, has 2020 changed how we view relationships, whether romantic or platonic or any form of one.

If there’s one thing that I’ve thought about a lot this year, it’s been how human connection evolves during the changes this year has brought to our lives. It has challenged us in many ways, the level of intensity varying depending where you live and how drastic the changes have been to your everyday life.

It has broken so many connections and relationships, some that had been doing the work of dying out for some time, some that just died before they even started properly, some changed and broke in a ugly way due to how we operate in a crisis that just keeps on going.

The thing with crisis is that it shows our true nature, one way or another. We won’t be able to hide our true selves for too long before it all seeps out and we’re left with the truth and reality. Some are pure empathy and love, some are pure selfish ways of thinking ourselves first and blaming others for all that’s happening around us. We all end up going through these all in one way or another too, so no need to be all high and mighty either. None of us had the tools to be prepared for a worldwide pandemic.

In the end I think this all brings out the “ends” of our personality to the front, no hiding. When pushed to a corner, something is bound to happen. This has slowed us down, shown sides to our humanity that has been hidden due to the pace of living we’ve all been able to do before we were stopped.

Originally I had this idea of a piece about love and how romantic relationships have possible changed this year, as it’s been a topic I’ve spoken about with couple of friends and also thought about myself. But then all of that other stuff wanted to be written first.

Possibly because my track record with romantic love is not something I can boast too much about, not sure if I even would need to do that. Does anyone actually care in the end? We also tend to hide some parts of our past when it comes to love, it feels easier than to really tell how we feel about it all.

As we all know, love is absolutely terrifying.

There’s these certain “rules” in our society when it comes to love, or it feels like that these days. Like, don’t answer straight back to a text, you might seem too interested or eager. Act like you don’t care that much, because god forbid they would know you are interested or care about them. Ghost them when you loose your interest, yeah that one is a must. Overthink every text message like it’s a secret code to a space shuttle. Never say what you really truly feel in your heart.

BUT then at the same time we’re expected to be as open and honest as possible. So what the hell are we supposed to do?

I read that these days dating is harder because we’ve become so comfortable with being on our own. So it’s extra hard for us to let someone in to our lives, because we’ve build lives that are ours and exactly what we want them to be.

Makes sense in a way, or at least I see myself in that a bit. I would find it hard to welcome someone in my life right at this moment in a full blown relationship kind of way. There’s few reasons for that.

I’ve been on my own or single, however you want to call it for the past 5 years(shit it’s out there now) and for few of the first for a good reason. I had gotten out of a abusive and very hurtful relationship and knew that if I don’t fix my wounds from that, I would carry all that hate, anger, sadness, hurt to the next one and that person does not deserve something that has nothing to do with them. I wanted to heal, feel comfortable as possible in my own skin and just with myself. The thing is, I’ve never found it hard to be on my own, so this part wasn’t the worst scenario that I could think of.

Secondly, I had messed up my finances in my early twenties and one of the biggest things for me was to sort that mess. I wanted to figure how and what to do to fix my debt and hopefully be able to move on with my life. And not feel trapped and weighed down by the shame that all can bring. Because let me tell you, that is exactly what it does. But let’s leave that for another post.

Also, I had noticed that when it came to love, I felt that my own relationship with the idea of a romantic relationship might be a bit confused.

I remember in my late teens/early twenties I used sex as a way to “know” if someone liked me, and I know I’m not the only one with this. I know it’s partly because of an incident in my younger teens, where I was assaulted and nearly raped. That messes up your relationship with being physically close with someone you like. I’m very truly lucky that my first sexual experience was with someone who really liked me and who I liked, we were each others first true loves and the whole experience was a awkward and beautiful, just as it’s supposed to be. And we explored those early experiences together, that build a healthier base to that earlier experience. But when you’re young and trying to figure out yourself and all of that, physicality can kind of be a tool through it all, not always a healthy way but it’s part of it all.

It’s funny how these days my views of it all has changed quite a bit, I know myself better and because of that and all my past relationships I’ve learned what feels good for myself. I might be highly physical in all my human connections while still being very introverted, but also reserve certain parts of my physicality to only some.

I’ve never been big on one night stands because my mind just can’t handle the idea of having a connection and then just not having it when you wake up. And I’m fairly old school minded in general with good ol’ dash of romance thrown in. So try to be all slow paced and romantic and straight forward and you, when you are also impatient and always in a hurry because I guess I’m afraid of losing what I thought that I had. And did I mention overthinking, yeah that one, the dream as it’s also called!

So, I’ve been living it up on my own for the past 5 years with couple unlucky crushes thrown in there to keep me humble. I haven’t had sex in close to 3 years(well double shit), yeah thanks for asking I’m actually very used to it and it doesn’t bother me, it seems to bother others more if I say it. Not that I don’t miss sex or just the weight of a man on top of me. But there’s also this shame or guilt if I say it out loud, like we’re supposed to be trying someone new every week or what ever is the pace. Why is it so?

Why the fact that I feel that I don’t want to share my body with someone I’m not sure about is such a bad thing? For myself sharing myself and my body in a personal way means that I trust the person in way that I can share my insecurities and that special moment when you let your guards down and just enjoy yourself and your partner. That needs certain type of trust in my books. I don’t want to dim my passion for anyone.

So when will I get to the relationship part, maybe now. Though sex is a vital part of a relationship, to me at least.

I might have been single for too long for my own good, when it comes to how I think of the idea of a relationship. I might have seen too many romantic movies, definitely. But what I end up missing when I do, are the simplest things.

I miss waking up next to my person and then shifting close to be in their nook or spoon, I miss figuring out what to eat, I miss having inside jokes that make you look at each other in a certain way and smile in that one smile we all know, I miss being hugged from behind, I miss going for long Sunday walks to nowhere, I miss being held and hold someone tight who I love, I miss saying I love you in that different way that comes from saying it to your person, I miss arguing about something complete nonsense because we’re both a bit hangry, I miss being there for my person, to remind them that it all will be okay, to hold them when they feel it all, to be held when I feel it all, share laughs and cries, to be a person to other that is theirs. I miss sharing the mundane everyday life. Obviously I could write million more reasons.

This year I’ve felt ready finally, to have room in my life, to feel like I have it in me to try again. I have someone I’m interested in knowing more about, not a full blown crush but an interest. I’ve noticed that with the pandemic things move slower and I like it, even though my old ways of moving and knowing it all as fast as possible are trying to mess with my mind.

With my romantic mind, the idea of writing letters by hand and snail mailing them to each other, it’s just the thing.

I’m in a place for the first time where I truly want to get to know someone before anything else, to know who they are in a slow manner, maybe talking on the phone or facetiming. The idea of just talking and having honest and open conversations about everything just makes sense. Not having the opportunity to be physical with one another straight away, to ruin the pace and making things different before they need to be.

It would feel so “normal” to ask what someone thinks of me or if they are interested in knowing me this way too, but why the rush, is it needed?

I have absolutely no idea how I truly feel about this one or what they think of me, and I think that’s a good thing. If they even know or have figured out that I’m thinking these of them. Who knows! But there’s something about them that keeps me on my toes in that good kind of way. There’s this feeling of wanting to know more, but being able to go on with my days with no thought given to them too, which I like. This might be something to do with being a grown up, does it?

I guess the point of this suuuuper long piece is that this year has slowed down the pace of our lives, and I personally really like that. The relationships that I’ve held close and felt that are supposed to be in my life, have gotten closer and more open, some have broken off and left my life. All has been just the way they are supposed to be. There’s been a clearing of sorts. I’ve had difficult conversations with people I never thought could be as close to me as they are now, but there lies the beauty of difficult conversations, they tend to clear the direction of that relationship. If more of those conversations would be had, we would feel a lot better, that I know for sure. Some of those conversations have shown me the true colors of someone I never thought I would not have in my life like they used to be. Maybe I should just tell that person that hey I find you interesting as a person and would like to get to know you more, without it meaning that something has to come out of it. Or I just see how it evolves.

What I like is that I’m opening up to the possibility of someone being in my life again. And I think a real, good relationship while is forever a working progress should also feel fairly easy and natural. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over my years on this planet, it is that communication truly is a key, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at times.

So here we are, a piece that was supposed to be easy and clear, ended up being a true testament of rusty writing fingers finding their way on the keyboard and telling a tale of someone who’s figuring out her life as she lives it all.

And yes, I think 2020 has changed our views on relationships, it has made us slow down, think and communicate in a way we were in a too much of a hurry before.

Love hard and never forget to tell your people what they mean to you!

PMA ❤

 

Let’s Jump To Unknown Part. 3492873

Yep, that’s how it feels. Me jumping to unknown, once again. Trying to find my core again, even the actual core of my body too. I lost that while loosing quite a few other things of myself the past years that made me feel me. Oh well, that’s how it goes and all I can do is try, once again.

I ended last year with a gentle challenge and a promise to myself to take care and love myself a bit more than I had. And that meant a lot since in 2018 I had basically just forgotten my health all together. And with that went my eating habits, and my ability to think clear and write. I should’ve known already that if I don’t move my body, my brain is on a halfsies shutdown mode. It just doesn’t work properly. And with all of those, so did my energy for anything. I did however in some magical way love myself more than before, and when it comes to selflove I ended 2018 on a high that I had not been for quite some time. For that I am extremely proud. And even with a weird year of a lot of great in it, and a lot of loosing myself, I managed to stay grounded on the love part. Not something I’ve been good before. I knew and know my worth and am readier all the time for the next chapter. I can easily say that I am pretty great, and I actually believe that. Though I’m still learning to let it sink in if someone else tells it to me… Can’t be perfect!

Today all of sudden I decided to go for a run, after probably closer to 6months, which feels insane. There’s few reasons I wanted to see how it would feel again. Firstly, not in any real order but still, I want to feel healthier this year especially as it’s the year I turn 35. I don’t want to feel how I have for the better part of last year. Worse and worse all the time. And let me tell you, the older you get getting back to some kind of rhythm is a bitch! Routine is like some foreign word that you’ve never heard before, and you’ve forgotten ALL that used to be normal to you… And again, oh well, all I can do is try again. Oh and the fact that I weight more than ever in my life, let’s just say that 90kg is not something I’m willing to carry on me any longer. And the fact that I managed to level up all that on me in only couple of years from being really healthy and active, is just a sad damn story to tell so I might just as well just change the lane for a smarter one. I’ve done it before, so I know in me that I can do it again. And no, this is not some New Years resolution.

One of the reasons for the run is that timing is a bitch, and with that I mean that I ended up in a situation early this year where I found myself falling in love with someone I never thought. But amazing things like that happen and sometimes timing is just not your buddy, or… is it maybe just that? I knew I am ready to let someone in again in my life, but was I actually ready for a full blown thing, I’m not sure. I know that this one shook me to my core, and sometimes you know by just few moments together, that this is it. But also, sometimes we have to wait for the right timing to come along. That’s it. That obviously doesn’t take away the fact that you miss that person like crazy, or feel like your tiny heart is about to burst, or that you have gazillion things you want to say to them. Or because the time we live in, send them all those gazillion stupid ass memes you’ve saved, just for them to laugh. Or you listen to those couple songs that remind you of that person. You go through all those moments with them over and over in your head and heart, or find yourself dreaming of them. Or you write things you would love them to know in your journal. Or listen to that one Chaka Khan tune and dance like crazy while tears run on your cheeks, half from sadness and half of happiness because you think about how fun it would be to dance together and just let loose. But I needed to run to let that pain free from my shoulders, as no matter how much I miss or love that person, right at this moment I also need to go forward with my days. I can’t stop my life even if the timing is a bitch. What brings me joy is the fact that I can live my life and still have that person in my heart. That’s kind of amazing. Or even the fact that I’ve met someone who is that one, the special one. But I still wish you were here, or me there, either or… ❤

I needed to run, to feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because damn I’ve gotten complacent, in a way that is pretty depressing. I’ve forgotten like I said, those things that bring me joy and healing. I’ve wanted to write more for such a long ass time, but basically had the worst kind of block in the world. It happened quite some time ago already, actually when I moved back to Finland. When I lived abroad I for some reason didn’t care at all if someone reads what I write, or more like what people would think of me. Which is definitely something I find myself fearing now that I live back here, work now and before in a position where people “know” me in a way that I feel at times weird. I don’t mind people from the other side of the world knowing me and my “secrets” but for some reason it feels too much when they are this close. And on top of that… well, I had my reasons to leave Finland in the first place and I still have some “issues” towards this place. The thing is that I’ve never, in my whole life, felt like I belong here. Which can sound weird, as I’ve lived most of my life here. But I wasn’t born here, and the way the country works and the mentality of us here and just the general vibe, yeah let’s use that word there, it’s something that tests me more than any other place. I get smaller here, in a way that makes me question myself in situations I don’t like, for example is it okay to wear what I want to wear or do people look at me funny. I’m not as brave here as I am when I’m somewhere else, or that’s how it feels at times. I guess I have to face those issues and then I’m free here, which means I can go wherever I need to. Because the truth is that I do know I’m moving somewhere else from here at some point, once again.

So the actual run, how did it feel. Taking the fact that I used to run ultra marathon distances, and that’s only little over 3 years ago. Three years ago! How the hell the time works is magic that you could be in the peak of your physical health only 3 years ago, while being mentally so broken you didn’t even understand it at the time. Oh how the tables have turned, now I’m basically on the other opposites. Peak of my mental health in many ways, and on the bottom when it comes to my physical health. Oh well, once a damn again… Let’s play my favorite game of finding the balance for the millionth time 😀 ! But back to that run, it felt surprisingly good. Not easy by any means, but one of those that make you think of your first run in your running journey and makes you hope for more again. THAT is definitely a thing I haven’t thought in few years. I loved running, it saved me from my drowning depression and then I ended up loosing all my interest in it, took a massive break and now, I’m ready to slowly find my way back to it. No goals, no races, none of that, just enjoying the movement of my body and the scenery. And nothing feels better, or actually many things, BUT nothing feels better than when you feel your body getting stronger and the steps getting lighter. That is something I want back. The effortless feeling of running. Not thinking anything and thinking everything at the same time.

Let’s see how this all goes in the end. I’m trying, not promising. I’m giving myself a chance for something new. I’m not who I was 4 years ago, and that’s a good thing, but I want to see who I am now. 2019 is a year of bravery, jumping to unknown again. Yep that’s what I’ll do.

PMA ❤

Connection

I’ve been thinking a lot more, deeper, lately. That might sound funny, but now after couple of weeks of running again under my belt, it feels that my brain is working in a different way again.

I’ve been thinking about connection, with others, with myself, how all of those are part of each other.

Today is a year to the day since my Grandpa passed away. He’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. I was thinking this morning on my run what makes me miss him so much, other than the fact that we always were really close. It’s the fact that we always had this special connection between us. He was my rock since day one. That’s what I miss the most, the fact that there was nothing I couldn’t talk with him to. The trust that comes with a certain kind of connection between people.

These days finding a genuine connection feels at times impossible, while at the same time it’s possible to find it in the simplest of words from a stranger. The world has changed in a way that complete strangers are able to become best friends or lovers without first seeing each other. In a way social media and other channels, make getting to know someone a lot easier, deeper if both parties are willing. Though it can also give people a chance to hide behind their screens and be someone completely different they really are. So what is the reality and the truth?

Sometimes words from a stranger mean more than from someone you know. It makes the distance between people shorter and shorter.

A lot of the time I find it easier to connect with people who don’t know all of me. People who aren’t physically close to me. Even though I work in customer service and people tend to think that I’m super open and extroverted because the way I behave at work, my true self is really sensitive and introverted. And I need insane amounts of time for myself to be alone and to charge my batteries. To find people who understand that and respect it, well those are hard to find but I’m lucky to have met few and get to call them friends. Couple of them even live in the same city as me, which is definite progress.

One of my closest friends, who lives on the other side of the world, said something really important couple of days ago. She said that a ‘friendship is still a relationship’. I think we confuse relationship too often to a romantic one. A connection is a connection, no matter the level. A friendship is very much a relationship. And how you take care of that is the main thing. Like the one you have with yourself. Something I’ve had to learn the hard way, once again.

But I’m finding myself again, with running and moving in the nature. Finding my mind easing up and silencing, and while I’m able to find the calm it works on a deeper level and let’s me do this. To find words to write, another way to take care of my own connection with myself. Because for way too long I felt like there was a block in me, I guess it would be called writer’s block.

In a way I’m finding my truth and path, the same way I’m letting myself be braver with how I view myself in how I look and how I carry myself. It’s all about this one word, connection. To yourself and to everything surrounding you.

What I’ve noticed is that the free’r I feel and let myself be, the more I sense other people. I hear my gut feeling even better. I let my sensitive side really get out there. But I’m finding it hard to find the words to express that me. Because being more open and You, is a bit scary. It means you leave your past behind and trust your now and future. It makes you think when to take a risk and when not, when to write it out and when to keep it back. And while learning it all again and finding your words, you make mistakes, super silly ones. But hey, that’s part of it all.

What I’ve found myself thinking a lot is that I might have been born in the wrong era, though this is not the first time I have been thinking that. I remember having those feelings since I was very young. With my old soul in this world of ours. I wish that we would live in a world that it would be completely normal to write a letter, even a love letter, to someone you’ve found interesting and wish to tell your feelings. Without these rules and this and that that this world makes for us without any reason. But there are so many unwritten rules these days that it’s just ridiculous. Especially when it comes to romantic connections. We “meet” people in such a different ways than before internet and all it has brought to us. But we’ve lost the honesty and openness with it, I think. Why it’s so bad to tell someone that you find them interesting and that they make you smile a little different with only few words, or that you would like to get to know them better. To see their smile, feel their arms around you, all of it.

Why those things, said honestly and straight forward make them weird and “too much” now?

So we have more connections than ever before, but how real we are with them? How genuine? Why a simple compliment or wishing well is “too much”?

I yearn for the days when you didn’t have any other option than to wait and dream, to maybe read the words on a paper or even on a screen but in a honest and open way. To just say how you feel, even if it would be “too much” on some rule book level, that some random person who invented the “games” we play these days. I wish to have the days here again, at least a bit, when you met someone found them attractive and told it to them. Now those people might live in another country, but you share simple words between each other and you might have a deeper connection than with those who you meet face to face.

I think we underestimate the power of words these days. How something so simple as few honest words with not too much thought can make someone feel. Think about song lyrics, how deeply they can make you feel, the same goes with the words you say to someone. Whether they come from a family member who’s known you since the day one, or someone who’s a stranger but happened to say the exact right words, or a person you’re carefully letting in your life and realising you have a new friend in them. Words are powerful. But we have to be ready and willing to listen to them, without really listening, it all is just words with no power in them. Remember that. Listening is the key to it all.

But try to live with this level of old soulness in this world we live in these days. The romantic in me is having a hard time, the way my head and heart works is not from today, they’re from the olden days when less was more. So I struggle a bit, which makes me say/write/do funny things at times, that I might regret, but heck it’s just me. All of me. No shame in that. I just wish it would be okay to say what you feel when you feel it, and that’s it. No weirdness or freaky in doing that.

I guess I keep finding my way in this world with this old soul of mine. Ain’t easy being highly sensitive, but oh boy I wouldn’t change it for the world! This life chose me, and I didn’t even fought it, I embraced it knowing it will be a bit of a struggle, but goddamn a beautiful struggle.

PMA ❤

Fear

I’ve always been afraid, irrationally afraid of life I guess. While at the same time wanting to live way more than I was able to do. I’ve done things while being so afraid that I thought my heart would jump out of my chest, and sabotaged my own success so many times because of fear. I’ve done it all, from one end to another. I’ve gotten tired of being afraid too many times to count, but not done something about it more times than the first.

I remember when I was a kid, I had a pretty wild imagination, still have but you know… adulthood and stuff. But anyways, I remember this one time when I was out cruising with my bike and I biked through this big parking lot really close where we lived, and I saw a parked bus. My first and only thought was that how would it feel to ride to it, yes ride my bike full speed to a parked bus. And I actually did it, I tried the one thing that popped into my head. Not the smartest, definitely but back then I had this “fuck it” mindset and I just did things even though I was afraid.

I’ve moulded and changed myself through the years through different levels of fear. I’ve done harm to myself and my loved ones when trying to be someone else I really was. Done harm in way that I still have to carry with me, though I did face my biggest adulthood fear last week. But more about that later. The thing is, my fear for living my life fully has made me depressed more than I should’ve been. It’s made me do decisions that I still feel ashamed of, because I’ve mostly betrayed the trust others had for me. And while it was my massive insecurity that made me do those things, I hate the fact that I needed to do all of those things and go through all I did to be right here, right now.

This summer, this past summer I’ve been mostly working and kind of hiding behind that in all ways I could. I’ve been stuck with myself the whole time and knowing what I probably should do, but done nothing about it. I’ve actually gained around 10kg this summer, and it’s a lot to carry. Not only physically but mentally too. In the end it’s fear that I’m hiding behind while thinking that I’m pushing on, which I am. But not in a way I really, honestly should.

The truth is that after 3 years of being single or alone or however you want to call it, I’m terrified of even the idea of falling in love again. Holy shit that is scary idea, to let someone in your life, fuck. So what I’ve been doing is talked with people that I enjoy being alone and don’t feel like I need anyone in my life, which isn’t the whole truth. Especially because I had this “moment” this summer when I met this one remarkable person, you know those ones that make you think “holy shit, that’s my person”… Yeah, I’m one of those romantics who just thinks like that. No can do. But seriously, that moment made me realise that I do want that in my life again. But it’s easier for me to keep those things far because then I don’t have to get hurt, which I have been on a level that still makes me do certain kind of faces while I type this.

I remember when I was around 18, and there was this guy at school I thought was interesting. I didn’t know him, we didn’t have any mutual classes or anything, but I found him interesting and thought that I should just take a risk. So one day as I was walking to school and he away, I stopped him and and bluntly asked him out. And he said yes, we went, it wasn’t anything special. But the point is that I did it. I’ve lost that part of myself in many ways the past years.

I’ve done things I’m scared shitless, like moved to a country I’ve never really been with no plan whatsoever, just jumped to unknown and tried to figure things out there and then. Not succeeding, actually at all, sorry to my friends in those places and mostly thank you, but I still did it. The last time I moved back home to Finland, now around 3 years ago, I was broken mentally in a way that took me almost 6 months to really understand and physically in a way that it took about the same amount of time to get to a doctor to know my wrist was really broken. And the combination of those two been crumbling me in a way I haven’t even noticed, until now.

Back in the day I might have been afraid to the core, but I tried anyways, with that fuck it attitude of what might happen in the end. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’ve lost 3 really close people in super short amount of time, or the fact that I feel like I have no control over what is happening in my body, or sometimes in my head either that makes me stop and not even try. Why my insecurities are on a all time high lately. Why I doubt myself in things I know in my core that I’m good at. Why I rather all of sudden give up than try at all? And all of this while actually having my life in better place than ever before…

I need to find my peace again. I need to slow down and shut up. I need to look myself, straight in my eyes and be proud of who I am, because I have no reason to be this afraid of who I am. Half of me is so damn ready to burst out of these seams I’ve sewed around myself and the other half is just confused by this all. I have moments when I stand proud infront of someone and there’s no doubt in me and then I lose that side all of sudden and feel like I’m almost looking myself like a fly from the ceiling. Sluggishly and numb just going from one day to another without living, just surviving.

I don’t even know if I know how to love again. If I have that in me, or I guess I do, my tools around it are just kind of dusty from the scars I still carry. For myself, and others.

Tonight I walked in the pouring rain home from a concert. The theme of the concert was fear, but in a way that we should celebrate it, embrace it. And I noticed myself smiling in the rain while walking, after a long long time. There’s been few moments this past summer with that kind of effortless smile, but the core of me have not smiled in a long ass time. I finally remembered how it feels. The rain almost felt like it was washing away all that baggage I’ve been carrying the past months. Like I said, I’m a romantic and forever will be. But my lust for life is finding it’s way back. Part of this is depression and how it works, part of this is the weird grown up confusion about being or supposedly being an adult. You know one of those who looks to their friends who get married and have kids, with this weird feeling of “I am nowhere close to those things and why I don’t feel that kind of adult at all?”.

The point is that life is weird as hell, but with fear or not, all we can do is try to live it as hard and fully as we can. I have to remember that my way is as good as anyone else’s, I just need to find my way again. I already have found the right tracks, now it’s time to move forward on them. Say yes to things I’m afraid, and no to things that just don’t feel right. It’s actually super simple. And walk in the rain, always walk in the rain.

PMA ❤