Really, what do I stress about now? What is the struggle I’ll carry heavy on my shoulders? Or am I just supposed to move on with my life and find new easier ways to live? Or actually just live my life without the past still holding me back. This massive change that has just happened is making my doubt everything in my life and especially myself.
I’m absolutely terrified of writing again, of daring my soul like I did before. I’m telling myself to just blurt it all out, it’ll help me. But I can feel my heart beat extremely fast.
Couple of weeks ago, on a Monday, I signed some papers at my bank and left feeling extremely good but even more so confused. That day meant that the little over ten years of financial struggle was coming to an end, I was able to move on. But where was that feeling of freedom and relief? Why do I still feel utterly lost and confused. Absolutely petrified to move on and really realise that I don’t need to struggle anymore. I’m so used to not being able to do things that this new life scares me, a lot.
To give you a little back story… In my early twenties I messed up my finances and lost my credits. In Finland it means that your life will get a lot harder, probably the same everywhere. Basically I had a lot of debt and no money to really live a normal life, and all I wanted to do was hide. I pushed my head in a bush and never wanted to face it all. Over the years I did however face it step by step and the last year really worked extremely hard to change my life for the better. Got help and guidance with a help of my dear Mom. And now I’m in a situation that I can live my life more free and with less struggle, with just the last bits of my debt to pay but like a regular person with a bank loan with small enough payments that I can actually live my life too.
The thing is, I’m really scared of this moment in my life. It was something I was yearning to get to, I’ve gone through a lot to get where I am now, and now… I am so lost.
I’ve put so many things on hold for this to be solved, and now it has and I feel like I have absolutely no idea how to move on. I don’t feel depressed, I feel stuck. Because this is my moment to do those things I’ve been putting on hold, like take better care of my body and eat better food now that I have more money to buy actually fresh stuff. Like make my home a home. And the biggest of all, not be so damn scared all the time.
It’ll all take time, I know, but no one really tells you how it can all feel when something massive is taken care of and you are free to leave it all behind and move on with your life. How can you just jump away from it all, when it’s been in the back of your mind daily for the better part of your adult years. I don’t know anything else than to live with barely no money and to struggle from month to month, no matter how much I work. To think I’m not good enough or don’t deserve certain things. Or that it’s better to not let anyone too close to me romantically because the money stuff would anyways get in the way of it all.
Of course right now, I’m feeling this all reaaaally strongly and it’s pouring out of me like a molten lava. But for couple of weeks, I’ve tried to understand this all. While having the craziest dreams ever, with my subconscious processing it all in my sleep. Trying to be gentle with myself while my body has been giving up when the stress that I’ve carried in it is finally letting go of it’s grip.
It’s funny, my hip and lower back gave out a week ago, and I checked what it kind of emotional pain it means to have pain in that area, and the answer was “fear of moving on and letting go”… I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or cry, it could’ve not been more accurate. And my back has been a mess this whole past week, like saying to me that I’ll be in pain as long as you hold on to all that.
I realised that I’ve never been this scared in my life. Basically I’m starting my life, my real adult years now. I wasn’t this scared when I moved to another country on a whim, but I am scared shitless now.
And I’m not 100% why. Is the freedom of it all freaking me out this much? Probably, to be honest. I’m not sure how to live without some kind of struggle in my life. I’m absolutely worst at giving myself a chance to just succeed and be the best me I can be, while loving myself in a way that would not be about doubt.
I know that with small steps, whether it’s writing this all out even when it scares me, or going out and just walk my mind clearer, I will get closer to my truth. The truth I have in me now. It’s a forever search I know, but to be on that journey feel good too. There’s a tiny part of me noticing that those fast heartbeats could also be because of excitement for all the new. I’m doing things already that are moving forward, while I’m scared. I’m slowly and carefully letting go of the doubt, mainly, that has been holding me back all these years.
I don’t know why I doubt myself so much, when I know in me that I’m actually really good in quite a few things. I need to put myself out of this struggle filled comfort zone more to a struggle free place that feels very uncomfortable for me. I’ve always done things the “other way around” and this feels and looks just the same. Now I just have a possibility to really change my course of action and not let those fears keep me from living my absolute best life.
Basically telling myself, stay tuned because it’s about to get really interesting…