From #goals2015 To #cultureyear2016

img_2959I started last year with my first ever goals that I was adamant in actually doing and finishing. So I wanted something for this year that would fulfil me in that same way, even though they have nothing with each other. At all.

My last year was all about running until the last months. I was about running, my being was about it, it gave me the escape and therapy for all those things I was running away from and trying to deal at the same time. I had lost my Granma few months before the year ended and just in the start of the year a long relationship ended. I felt that running was the thing I could deal and heal from those. I felt strong and free and like I can go on, when I ran. I might have been broken and ripped open but when I ran I was okay, or maybe not always okay at all but I was moving and believing in myself even if I didn’t believe in many others at all. I felt so alone but so fucking capable and like a warrior queen at the same time. Weird combination but it made me do things I’ve never done before.

In the first months, actually three, I ran my longest run 30km, then the next month my first Marathon distance and the third my first Ultra. Alone, one Sunday, just running 50km because I wanted to show myself that I can. And I did it. On my own, like I felt that I need to. And then just couple of weeks later I ran my first official Ultra and it went so wrong haha. I still remember how I cried on this cliff next to the sea and was so miserable because all of my big dreams of that one went so sour. But I didn’t quit. That was then and still is the biggest thing for me. I have always been a quitter but I didn’t then and haven’t after that.

My original plan and goal for 2015 was to run three trail Ultras, I did that! I actually completed something I set out to do! Still pretty damn amazed and proud of myself!

Now that my few last months have been all about something else than running, I felt that I want to find my old passions again, some things that I’ve always loved but haven’t done in so long.

Because of my job, I got the opportunity to remember my other, long lost passions and interests again. When I was doing the styling for one music video, I remembered why I loved doing exactly that few years before. But I also wasn’t ready to do that kind of visual and creative work, I wasn’t sure and comfortable enough with myself. Now with more confidence I am able to trust that feeling I have about certain looks and feels about them. But I also felt that I need more inspiration and food for my creativity.

Little over a month ago I felt that I knew exactly what my “goal” for 2016 would be. It would be about concerts, exhibitions, shows, museums, movies, magazines, books, music. Anything that will feed my mind.

I already have two really amazing concerts lined up, Seinabo Sey in February and Adele in April. Both my favorite ladies, Adele is something that I can not describe my love for, because it’s HUGE! I also got one of the best christmas gifts ever from my parents, a museumcard, it allows you to go to any museum they are part of in Finland for free. Pretty damn stoked about that! Over 200 museums to visit :).

I spend the last week of 2015 in Stockholm, possibly my favorite city in the world. I needed and wanted to be alone and remember some things about myself. In that city I always find myself, and once more I made the promise to myself that one day I will live there. It’s where I’ve born and I just feel free and like it’s easier to breath for me there. But I also went to see these amazing exhibitions at the Fotografiska Museet that completely blew my mind. I love love loved all of them and highly recommend checking them out. What Stockholm also did for my hunger for inspiration, was to give me so many different visuals and smells and feels and just everything that I’m used to, as I haven’t been there for over a year. So it has this familiar but unknown quality to it for me. I got to run with a dear person in Djurgården, that was just amazing. Need to definitely go back to there, with all the time in the world, just wonder.

My goal, if that’s what it has to be called is to feed my all with culture. I want to see things that I wouldn’t normally see. I want to hear things I wouldn’t normally hear. I want to feed my hunger with things that I wouldn’t normally eat.

So, 2016, will be about culture! There will be running too but mostly about culture. Need to feed this system of mine as a whole, find new sides of me, find that thing that makes me the happiest, take days off from those that I knew already and find the passion for them again, in a different way.

MORE LOVE. MORE CULTURE. MORE VISUAL FOOD. MORE EAR CANDY. MORE PMA ❤img_2887

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Run It Out – Documentary About Robin Arzon

I have a friend, whose been there for me since I started running. She has a story that you should listen and know. She happened to run 5 marathons in 2013 in 5 days. Here’s a documentary in the making of that all and why she runs. Please check the link and share the love and if you can, help them finish this beautiful project! ❤

http://www.runitout.co.uk/

Is More Really Better?

IMG_6600Why is it that more is better these days? New is better? Faster? Why?

I feel like I’m some weird alien at times with my ever growing “less is more” thinking. And I’ve started to feel really anxious now when I have a bit more stuff. And for a “normal” person the amount would feel like ridiculous as it’s not that much but for me, it’s just too much.

When I moved back to Finland, my whole life pretty much fit in two suitcases and I loved that. Now it probably still does but I feel like those suitcases are a bit too full. And when I start feeling like I start growing roots, I feel like I have no way out anymore. Like I am giving up on my plans, which is also not true. But having more makes me not feel good.

I think I have a bit confused relationship with materia. When I was around 20, I didn’t think that less could be more, I had my first proper job and I was surrounded with people who always had the new and certain stuff and look. I wanted that because to me at the time, it meant that I am somebody and will get something magical if I do and wear what they are. How wrong was I…

And for a really long time I used materia to not feel as shitty as I really feel. I hid my depression under all that stuff. If I felt bad, I bought something, or ate like crazy. The day when I lost my credits was one of the best for me. Even though my life has been a lot harder after that but still, under it all it’s a blessing. Though that was long time ago, it still is in my life and it really made me start thinking how to live my life. That part took me good 5 years… Because the last couple of years were the first time I actually had to leave all the lying to myself and get down from my high horse and really look the situation straight in the face and admit that I suck and that I have to suck it up and change my whole way of being and living.

That stuff humbles you in the biggest way possible, if you are willing to feel like the shittiest person in the world for a while… It has and it still does quite often.

But it also made me realize what is really important to me. It made me look at my life, myself and what I thought was important and what not. It made me really ask for help, which I still suck, but I had to. And receive help, which is the hardest thing to do EVER!

Now after everything, when I’m feeling happier and better when I have less, it makes me wonder why in this world we are lusting over with new, more, better, faster all the time? What does it give to us? No patience, insecurities, money problems, loosing the touch with the real things. That’s how I feel.

And that doesn’t mean that I expect that everyone thinks this way, I don’t. But it just makes me wonder how different I personally was just two years ago. It’s scary actually. And sad, because it took me a good 10 years to be so lost and just let my life slip away.

So when I was turning 30 last spring, I wasn’t scared, I was so excited. Because it felt like I have a new chance, like a new start and the truth is that I have more in front of me than behind. But that also meant that it was and is only me who controls my future and my happiness. And that stuff is scary and challenging.

So where am I now… I want to be able to live simply and humbly, nothing extra, because I don’t need that. The “things” that are really important to me aren’t really things. If I can have the people I love and who love me, I am really rich. If I’m able to run and be active, I’m winning. Being in nature and look at the stars and eat berries on my runs, I’m basically on top of the world. I want to live here, so that there’s at least the same left after me or maybe I can give something back so there’s more.

These days when I even think of buying something, I try my hardest to think if I can find that, for example jeans, made in a way that’s somehow good to this world, or done bad as little as possible. I want to be able to live so that my life respects the nature we have here. Sustainable and appreciative.

When I have less, I see and hear more, I have more patience. I stopped and looked at the stars for the first time in years this winter. And I was really amazed by their beauty, it was pretty amazing! When I have less, I appreciate more. I make the most of the things I have and usually feel that I could give some away from that anyway.

My dreams and goals these days are all about less is more. I try to read and learn more about what feels the best for me. I try to make good decisions and when I buy something I actually think before I buy anything. Do I really need it. Actually books are the thing that I yearn the most these days :). Learning and opening your view is just really nice.

When I’m running, I’m not in a hurry, I always have time to look around and stop for some scenery soaking. I think it’s vital to stop and see and hear what’s really around us. If we loose that childlike mindset, we are lost. Growing up doesn’t mean we have to stop living. I am sure not going to do that. I am just beginning!

Love. Think. Stop. Appreciate. Respect. PMA ❤IMG_6610

 

I Believe. Again.

IMG_6468I needed to shake myself out of the slump I was in, when it came to my dreams and goals and running and training. Which means one thing. Me.

My motivation with training and running has been super low. I knew and realized what is coming and how soon, but nothing in me made me want to get up and go. I had to make myself do it. Pushing without wanting it. I was terribly afraid. Of the distance. Afraid of the fear.

This Monday I was talking to a dear friend about this, and he said few simple things that woke me up just enough to get a bit of a fight in me again. That night I knew that on Tuesday I will run furthest I’ve ever ran before. And that would be 30km. My longest run before had been for a good year, 28,8km. And I knew that I need to go over that to believe that I can, that I have it all in me.

I told this plan to a friend on Monday night, and he gave me an excellent advice, just run. I needed to hear that.

On Tuesday morning I was eating breakfast, watching trail running videos and while watching, I noticed that I was tearing up. I had this question in my mind… Am I tearing up because that truly is my biggest dream and goal OR because I know deep down inside that it’s not what I’m supposed to do?

I got the last and the best supportive words from my boyfriend and off I went. Btw, if any of you are as lucky and blessed as I am with a significant other who supports you and your dreams as much as mine, you are there!IMG_6479

For the first km I just kept saying to myself that “just run, nothing else, just run”.  And after a while that was all I did, and the km just passed like nothing. I explored for the first time in my life, I had no idea where I was going, but I just kept going. Found this amazing route going next to the seashore. Loving every step. Listening to the world around me. Thinking about whatever popped to my head. Stopped on top of a cliff to look at the frozen sea. I needed every step of that.

The moment when I realized that I did it, I ran 30km, I teared up and had to say it to myself out loud! You did it! You!IMG_6493

I found myself again, I was back. I felt amazing, like I haven’t just run 30km.

That 30km meant everything to me, everything.

I believe in myself. Again. And my motivation is back. I want this all and more. Listen to your dreams and go after them!

PMA ❤

Shitty Days

IMG_6443Today was a Shitty Day.

Woke up with a massive headache, felt just in general down and sad. Little anger and frustration thrown in. A perfect start to my day I would say…

The thing is, that I am bad at letting myself have a shitty day these days. I feel straight away guilty, of something. Which is stupid on all levels possible. Because sometimes we just feel down and mad and sad and angry and frustrated, that’s it. And that’s totally okay. But in my head it seems to be either or…

It’s been such a push and work to get my general mindset more to positive that I think I don’t have the balance yet for both. And also, I haven’t felt this pissed off in a long time. Maybe I was just caught of guard.

I’m so insanely proud of myself that I got so mad that I just stormed to the gym and kicked my own ass with super good and hard workout. Haven’t happened before, so I’m pretty stoked about this! I was blasting music and really getting in that angry mode when you just have a stank face on and you push yourself, that one more!

This song pretty much was my motivator today.

The thing is, that I need to realize that it’s totally okay to feel pissed off at times, it cleans us. It makes us talk about things that have been bottling up and even though they are hard to say, it’s needed from time to time. But be prepared to feel extra exhausted after this all, that’s pretty much what’s going on here. All levels off exhaustion, little crying in the middle. This all is needed! Remember that it’s needed and okay!! And just like guilt is a great motivator, so is anger. And today that made me push myself way harder at the gym I knew that I could. BOOM!

Little Bad Girlism to get you in the stank face mood! 😉