How Does It Feel When…

IMG_0752-0Yep, how does it feel when you just wait to move again, wait to get going. It sucks!

It’s only few days since I made the decision to move back to Finland, but now that I’ve made it I just want to go and not wait any longer. I kind of hate this “in between” time because it makes you go through and think about so many things about the whole decision. Maybe a good thing, but I’m more about okay I know what I want to do so can we just do it NOW!

There was a reason why I wanted to have little time before I fly back, main reason was that I actually have some amazing friends in Copenhagen that I wanted to see and spend time with before I go. This might sound really rude or sad, whether you take it, but I haven’t had that before this year. I had it in Finland, but those people are my old friends that I’ve gone through a lot of life before so I knew that they’ll be there, a great thing to have in your heart. This time it’s different, these people are new and so dear to me. We’ve built our friendships fast but know that we’ll have that friendship there after we live in different countries. This probably happened because I was finally ready to let people in my life and share my life with them. I haven’t been too good in that before. Copenhagen did some good to me.

Now I’m just ready to go.

After seeing some of those friends earlier this week, and realizing that okay in just a week I’ll be back home, I started going through thoughts about if I’ve done the right decision. It always happens. You feel so damn loved and happy and slowly the notion of you really going creeps in and you just think, shit.

I will miss my people, the fact I can’t just text them and see them in couple of days. But this time I know that they’ll be there, wherever I am. And the flight from Helsinki to Copenhagen isn’t that long.

But then after being on my own for a bit, going through my stuff that should fit in that one bag again, I feel more and more ready for this move. I think about the fact that I can just spend some proper sister time with my little sis, something I’ve missed here like crazy at times. I can run on the trails that I’ve missed so much here. I can go to the supermarket, this is funny, and get all the greens I’ve missed. From all the places I’ve lived, Finland still has the best green sections at supermarkets! Being able to go to sauna when I want, best. Seeing my family. Seeing my friends in Helsinki, so good. So many other things obviously. One of them is to be able to talk in Finnish, I don’t miss it too often but once I’m used to using my own language again, I absolutely love it. Though I still use English as my number one, it’s just easier for me.

I’m just ready to go.

I have less than a week to go, but I just want to go now. I really wished that I would’ve woken up today at my parents home, nowhere else. I was almost a bit bummed when I realized that I still have few days. I kind of hate this in between feeling.

I’m not sure always if I’ll ever find the place I’m supposed to stay. Or is it even a place that makes me feel at home? I think I know that my friends are in my heart, wherever I live, so that’s not a problem. I also do know that I really wish to have that feeling of feeling content somewhere, to an extend that I can settle down. I think once I’ve left the first time, I’ll have that nomad in me that yearns to know more and see other places. I also do know that I wish that I could spend my Sundays next to someone special. Sundays are somehow special to me, they are supposed to be spend with that person. Sundays are for cuddling, long walks, good food, reading all the books, talking, maybe watching some american football. Just simple pleasures in life.

The anticipation of all of this new again, makes me want to jump out of my skin. I absolutely hate this waiting time, I just want to get going. I hate this feeling of needing to get my stuff together, in that one bag, and hope that they will fit in the kilos at the airport.

In the same time, I love this because it makes me think what is really important to me. It makes me prioritize my belongings and again, realize that no actual matter makes me happier than the people I have in my life. So even if I would lose all that fits in that one bag, I would be happy.

But, in the end, I am just ready to go. This time I have so much to look forward to, it’s different than ever before. It’s the time when I know that I’ve done absolutely the right decision for myself and that makes me feel impatient and ready at the same time.

So few more days and Finland here I come! I know that the last days here will be filled with so much love that it will carry me over a lot! ❤

PMA ❤

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OOOPS! I’m Moving Back To Finland!

IMG_0373Yeah, ooops! Actual winter and Finland is calling my name and I have to listen to it.

I’ve always listened to my gut feeling, always. If I have, my life has gone to a better direction, if I haven’t well… I always know that I should have. This past Monday I just knew what I need to do, no questions, I just knew.

I’ve gone through enough to be able to admit that it’s my time to leave or change something, this was one of those times. After losing my job and still be very much without a permanent place to live, and fall rolling fast on us, I had to do some hard math of my life and think what is the best thing to do now.

Always before, everytime, if I’ve even had to think about going back to Finland, I’ve felt like I’m a failure. Never before since I moved away from there the first time, have a I felt that it’s for the best and actually felt excited about it. Obviously I’ve changed, life changes you if you let it and listen. So I think that my whole attitude about going back is different. More open to what will come and how I can use that time, how long it may be to the best I can.

One of the biggest reasons for me to do this, is that I am so utterly tired of struggling all the time and really, really want to get my life in a little more balanced place. Not physically, just to be clear. That part is pretty much okay :). But I am turning 32 next March and I have no interest in being in the situation I have been now for too many years any longer if it’s possible for me to change it all. So the adult realist in me knows that this is the best thing to do, I’m not failing at anything, I’m doing the smart decision for myself.

“Good instincts tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.”

– Michael Burke

It was almost funny who the first people I told or talked about this whole feeling of moving, all of them were my closest friends who happen to live very far from me. That showed me, good that it did, that my friends are in my heart and no matter how far, they are in my life where ever I live. Because I remember last year when I felt that I had to move back to Finland that I am losing out on my friendships by being so “far” from them… What I learned during my time in Finland is that I have super close and great friends there, that I have missed a lot here in Copenhagen, and what I’ve learned here in Copenhagen is that my friendships are truly all over the world and the ones that matter are there no matter what. That’s the great thing about social media and emails and text messages and whatever we have these days.

I was also thinking that maybe I was meant to go back to Finland, for the reason that I still have some unresolved issues about that place. I’ve been so negative about it and haven’t really given myself a chance to figure out why. The truth is that I have been running away from myself since I left Finland the first time. I’ve definitely found myself a lot during these years, but I think there’s a little piece missing and I have a feeling that that is my attitude towards Finland. I need to solve that puzzle and then I am free to really go wherever my heart desires. And actually feel ready and free at that place, no idea what it will be. I have a feeling that my nomad side is not ready to settle down completely yet. There’s too many places that I need to see and experience, already thinking of the next place I need to visit… IMG_0593

That’s actually one of my favorite things in life these days, the people I have in it from so many different places and really around the world. They open up the world to me in a whole new way and make it so much more interesting. It doesn’t really give you a chance to be content with something you’ve known always, it makes this whole experience so much richer! And definitely once you start selfishly “deleting” the ones that aren’t good for you and keeping the ones that make you feel good and surround yourself with positive vibes close, damn this all makes it worth and more! You just need to be brave, ask for help, and really be open to whatever, life is pretty damn amazing when you let yourself do that!

So next week when I’m flying back to Finland, I am ready for whatever is coming my way, will work harder than ever before for my own happiness, letting people make my life richer, reminding myself that this is not even the breaktime, this is the beginning of all the best things that are coming up!

Now it’s a time for me to enjoy my last week in Copenhagen, spend time with the ones I love, have an actual farewell party for myself, because I am so damn lucky to have so amazing ones in my life that they want to spend a little time with me like that before I leave ❤ ! Life will always work out if you let it, that’s what I’ve learned!

“I’m so proud of you
Everything’s adding up, you’ve been through hell and back
That’s why you’re bad as fuck…” Drake knows!

PMA ❤

ARGH! Doubt Is Trying To Kill My Vibe

This is exactly how Ukko would look at me if he would be next to me.

This is exactly how Ukko would look at me if he would be next to me.

Serious ARGH!!

Today has been all about being grateful and proud and happy and all that good good. Even with a flu lingering in the back. Basically today has been great, with great news and those old fears crossed from the list.

And what is happening now, or the past couple of hours… I’m in this panicky anxious doubt mode. Like that makes any sense! None whatsoever! But still it’s here.

And yes, it’s here because things are actually been good and there’s great things in my life at the moment. But for some reason the way my head works, the remains of the old me, is that when things are good and I should be overjoyed about life, I start doubting everything.

The past few days have been just about taking those steps forward, stepping over those old fears and doubts. Applying for that job that would be such a dream, getting your piece published in a great magazine, moving forward with things that I have been planning and dreaming about. So what do I do then, panic. Because that almost makes sense.

I’m pretty shitty at giving myself credit for the fact that I’m moving countries soon again, not moving to a new apartment in the familiar place I’ve been living for some time, no, actually moving to another country, again.

To be honest, I’m scared shitless. Like really scared.

What if this all won’t work this time either? What if I believe in things that just aren’t meant to be?

Since the Ultra, I’ve been so open, like an open wound. Promised to myself that this is the way I want to live my life, be true and real with all my fears and feelings. All the good and bad. And for the first time, I’ve actually done that, not just mean to do. But that also means that if I felt all things before big, now I am in some wow level. And the funny thing is that most of the time I’m really calm and don’t feel at all that I need to go to this old panic mode, but today it caught me totally off guard. It’s the what if’s.

I really feel like I started a new book, empty and clean, when I finished that Ultra, but this all is so unknown and scary. And there comes moments when I feel so damn lonely. They are small moments of fear. It’s that huge hole of anxiousness inside of me, that is only the old me trying to get the better of me. And I just have to fight this through and show again to myself that I’m not that anymore. And it’s not like I’ll always have good days all the way, with no dips. That would be terrible.

I feel like I’m this raw thing now, with only one way to do things, the way that scares me but makes me push on anyways. I hate that notion, that I can’t give up anymore. Like it would be so easy, hah, that would actually be the hardest thing. To give up when you know that you’re not that person anymore.

I know that I have to let myself feel this all, but this shit is so uncomfortable, it almost makes you itch. And with a tiny hint of flu, I can’t just go and run this out. I actually have to just deal with it and feel all of it. Which I should be good at, feeling all of the feelings, because I’ve always done that to the max. But I also have to remind myself that this is a thing I can’t control, sometimes I just have to let go and feel it all.

I’ve been listening a lot of Mikky Ekko the past couple of days, he has this song on his new album called “Watch Me Rise”. And it was this powersong today for me, like really, almost sing out loud outside while walking home from the train kind of song. And now, after getting some good old tough love from a dear friend, I was listening to it again, and it really reminded me of where I am now in my life.

There’s this part in the lyrics that really hit me hard now…

“Now paranoia’s setting in and I’m falling from these stars again
While every part of me screams, “hold on”
Cause if you can’t learn to bend then you break
Oh my God, how long does it take?
Every lesson we learned took so long
But it made us strong”

This all that I’m going through in my life at the moment, is not supposed to be that easy. I am doing really big things to change my life better, which can be terrifying at times. But it will be worth it, that’s what I need to keep saying to myself as long I believe it again. And remind myself of all the things that’s already happened and actually today! TODAY!

So note to self, feel it all, let yourself be scared but don’t let it take over the whole situation. If this all would be easy, everybody would move countries all the time and followed their dreams like nothing. These are big things, give yourself some bloody credit for this all, at least sometimes! You are amazing, strong and courageous! So keep doing what you’ve done, because it’s working! So hold on and love with all you are, like you have! ❤

PMA ❤