I Believe. Again.

IMG_6468I needed to shake myself out of the slump I was in, when it came to my dreams and goals and running and training. Which means one thing. Me.

My motivation with training and running has been super low. I knew and realized what is coming and how soon, but nothing in me made me want to get up and go. I had to make myself do it. Pushing without wanting it. I was terribly afraid. Of the distance. Afraid of the fear.

This Monday I was talking to a dear friend about this, and he said few simple things that woke me up just enough to get a bit of a fight in me again. That night I knew that on Tuesday I will run furthest I’ve ever ran before. And that would be 30km. My longest run before had been for a good year, 28,8km. And I knew that I need to go over that to believe that I can, that I have it all in me.

I told this plan to a friend on Monday night, and he gave me an excellent advice, just run. I needed to hear that.

On Tuesday morning I was eating breakfast, watching trail running videos and while watching, I noticed that I was tearing up. I had this question in my mind… Am I tearing up because that truly is my biggest dream and goal OR because I know deep down inside that it’s not what I’m supposed to do?

I got the last and the best supportive words from my boyfriend and off I went. Btw, if any of you are as lucky and blessed as I am with a significant other who supports you and your dreams as much as mine, you are there!IMG_6479

For the first km I just kept saying to myself that “just run, nothing else, just run”.  And after a while that was all I did, and the km just passed like nothing. I explored for the first time in my life, I had no idea where I was going, but I just kept going. Found this amazing route going next to the seashore. Loving every step. Listening to the world around me. Thinking about whatever popped to my head. Stopped on top of a cliff to look at the frozen sea. I needed every step of that.

The moment when I realized that I did it, I ran 30km, I teared up and had to say it to myself out loud! You did it! You!IMG_6493

I found myself again, I was back. I felt amazing, like I haven’t just run 30km.

That 30km meant everything to me, everything.

I believe in myself. Again. And my motivation is back. I want this all and more. Listen to your dreams and go after them!


That Time Of The Year

Yes, that time of the year, when most people sum up their year and I noticed today that I’m doing that too. Not the way that I hoped though…

As usual flu seems to get me so down that it almost feels embarrassing, and this time was no exception. I had big plans on how to end my 2014, but I got this massive zombieflu that has taken me out for over a week.

So I have been feeling down and all kinds of fears of missing out on everything, and when I started getting all my frustration out, the real reason hit me.

It’s this time of the year, which doesn’t usually make me feel nothing special, as I am adult with no kids. But I realized that this year is going to be different in so many ways. Four months ago I lost my Grandma. And she has always been the person who have made Christmas as special as it can be.

If that isn’t enough, in the past four month, my life has changed so much that I still don’t feel that I understand what’s going in on. I feel that the past month I have been going forward in a fog. Just pushing through without any idea what I am doing. I’ve felt that all is just piling up and I can’t catch the end and get it all figured.

Four months isn’t that long time, which I have to remind myself all the time, without believing it.

At the same time as I should have been grieving and thinking of myself and giving myself time, I’ve felt that I’ve only been there for others. Pushed on and stayed strong for others, like it’s my job. I’ve been so exhausted most of the time that I’ve been going on like with some autopilot.

I know how being and feeling numb feels from depression, but this is completely new. I’ve never pushed on this strong in my life. And now I’m not sure if I’ve gotten that much for myself. Other than what I know… I’ve been super hard on myself the whole four months. I’ve made myself feel super guilty if I haven’t been able to do something, or if I’ve been sick, like I could do anything to that.

On top of that guilt tripping I’m trying to figure out where and how and this and that with my life, so in short, will I stay in Finland or where I will be in a year. And on top of that I have the biggest year coming, for me the biggest year.

There are moments when I just want to have a break from my head. It annoys me so much that I know that I should just take this all day at a time, but I don’t give myself any break in doing so.

And in the past four months I’ve had mostly amazing new things happening to me, but at the time, all I can think of is that I won’t be with my favorite people this Christmas. All of sudden this Christmas is way bigger than it maybe should. All of sudden I feel really alone.

I just really miss my Grandma. The fact that she won’t be with us, is slowly but painfully sinking in.

Next week I will have my first Christmas without her, but at the same time my first chance to have some time for myself, so maybe this is my time to get that break from all everyday stuff and just go day by day with all. I really think I need this. I’m not even at home surrounded with all normal, I’m in a place where I really can breath and have that break.

But I have to admit that I am afraid of that exact thing. To have that time to actually feel all that has been bottling inside me is terrifying.

Other thing that makes me feel a bit annoyed and confused is how important running is to me. Now that I haven’t been able to run, I’ve felt like I have nothing. That is partly because of me being sick, it always happens when I have a flu and I can’t run.

Running is such an life changing thing for me that I am terrified if I couldn’t do it.

There are couple of things I need to address next week, to be able to go forward in my life. And I know that they aren’t anything that can be sorted in a week but it’s a start and in a way I can’t wait to have that break.

But I really need this. I have to give time for myself and a moment to realize what has happened, without the need to rush on.

All That Doubt

IMG_5317Once in a while the doubt gets us, and oh boy did that happen today to me…

The past week has been so much of everything new, new work, new routines, new this and new that. And I noticed slowly that I’m not sure how to take it all. So end of last week my whole being was taken over by this over anxiety and restlessness.

This last year I’ve gotten to know myself a lot better again than before, I read few good articles and got to know few good people who opened these doors for me that I really needed to understand myself better.

Before this year I had no idea what an introvert is, now I know and realize that Hello, I am one of them too. Huge relief. Then a friend said that I should read this book, called “The Highly Sensitive Person”. Well, Hello again!

Now that I understand myself better my life is better and it’s easier for me to stay calm in situations that before were difficult. But that doesn’t take that away that sometimes all feels too much.

Not working in over two years and all of sudden get the chance to do something that you only wished. Seeing so many people out of the blue. Being out there all the time, when you know you need that solo quiet time a lot too. You want to push yourself because it all feels nice, but at the same time you miss all the old calmness.

While all feels super nice, it takes so much out of you that you are super exhausted. That happened to me big time. And I started doubting myself, feeling all down and almost angry. I noticed that all of sudden I didn’t believe in myself with all that I knew that I could do. I didn’t want to give up but that old me starting raising it’s head.

I noticed that now that so many runners that I know are running more trails and ultras, I felt all bad. I felt that that thing that had been super special to me is all of sudden all regular everyday thing and I was thinking that why am I doing this, it’s the same as everyone is doing. Nothing special…

I was running today, and I felt so anxious and sad and angry and exhausted and full of doubt that I almost started crying during my run. I actually asked myself out loud that “why are you feeling so useless?”. And I couldn’t answer to myself.

I only wanted to be in the forest for at least the next 3 hours and I knew that I only have time for little over 30min… So I felt even more anxious.

My old way of dealing with moments like this is to compare myself to others, which obviously makes me feel even worse, what a surprise! I got caught by doing this, thank  you Mom! I needed that shake up to reality and who I am really am these days.

I have noticed too that I get afraid of not being able to run as much as I want, now that I am getting back to “normal people” routines. But the truth is that I have all the time in the world, I just have to keep that time for myself when I need it. And I really need running.

This is all a learning process, it’s never easy but I am ready to embrace it all. I want to be honest in my fears to myself and rather say them out loud and got that shake up to reality than not saying anything. This is a moment for me to look at my situation and go forward. That’s what I’m going to do.


All This New

IMG_4244Yes, all this new!

I was on a long walk today with my dog and realised that I really just want to move already. It was one of the funniest feelings in a very long time.

Just last week I made the decision that I will move back to Finland, where I haven’t lived in 2 years. Oh, it will be so interesting to go back.

I will definitely have some kind of super reverse culture shock. That will be interesting!

I am also filled with ideas what to do, how to make my blog better and more this and that. My head is just bubbling with ideas. It hasn’t been this giddy in long time, so this is nice :).

Things that also make me happy about moving back are things like, finally going to start yoga at my friends yogastudio, Pihasali. I’m finally going to learn how to knit, thanks to my Mom. I get to go to the gym with my rockstar Mom, muscles here I come! I get to see my friends more than one afternoon in 6 months. And I get to see my family!

But the main thing for me is that I actually want to move and go back there. I haven’t wanted that in 2 years. I really didn’t want to go back.

For me going back before was like the biggest loser mark on my forehead. Like I gave up on something. But hell no I am not!

How much have I changed in these 2 years?! Insanely.

Did I care about myself two years ago, not much. Did I run and have friends all over the world, nope. Was I part of the best running crew, Still Waters Run Deep, well hell no I wasn’t. But now I am. And in a week I get to run with my crewmates in my Granmas honor here in Copenhagen! BOOM!

I have a feeling that there are some big things poppin’ soon! So I have planned and I believe that the universe agrees with me!

So let’s just end this to an super positive note!

Gratitude. PMA. Peace. Love. Blessed. Undoordinary. Breath. YES!IMG_4729


Family First

IMG_4694Universe has a funny way to keep us on the right path, if we are open to listening and going with that flow.

That means to me that yesterday my life changed again, big time, as in new move to another country.

I recently wrote about the loss of my Granma, that made me put things in perspective and really think what is important to me.

And that being said, family is the thing that is the most important. I need and have to be with my family now. I need them and I want to be there for them now. It’s my time to give and not only take, which I have been doing for too many years.

I think I knew this for almost couple of weeks, but I just didn’t want to say it. When I moved from Finland to Germany, I did it because I wanted to show that I will actually do something and not only talk. For a long long time, I felt that I am a loser if I would go back there. Now things are so different.

I have lost someone who was part of me. That puts you in different place in your life. I need to be with people who understand my loss and who I can hug and be hugged.

And I’m not the same person I was little over two years ago, I have worked so hard to be in a better place, and I’m not going to let that work go to waste.

This is not an easy move, and I will have those moments when I think that “what did I do?” but I have to trust my gut feeling, and everytime I have done that, it’s been the best.

I am afraid of funny things like, that people and those friends that I’ve made would forget me because I’m in the north :). I know that the people who I call friends these days won’t do that. But I am further from them that I have been. I hope that some of you want to come to that super exotic Finland :).

But I am also really happy to be in a place that I know things and how they work. Speak my own language and be with my best friends.

And everytime I start thinking of oh dear Finland, I remind myself that it doesn’t mean that it’s some kind of life sentense, I am always allowed to leave and I have a strong feeling that I will do that, once I get my life in better place. I haven’t found that happy place of mine yet.

But  for now, this is the right thing to do, for me, for my family and for my journey.

Thank you Universe!IMG_4686