Finding Balance

IMG_1151I am in need of finding balance in my life again, so much has changed and my stoke level is quite high these days. I need to remind myself that I can’t be ON all the time, I need some peace in this all too.

I think we all search for some balance in our lives, at least sometimes. Right now, I am in this amazing bubble of happiness and contentment. There’s so much new in my life with good old things too, but I am a person who goes 150% when things are great and tend to forget to calm down while I do that. So I am in search of that. I guess I should be proud that I realised it all straight in the beginning and not too late, I’ve obviously learned something during these past couple years.

I’ve lived back in Finland now for two weeks, two weeks filled with YES! Basically the next day I flew to here, I had a job interview that went fairly well as I started working in one of my dream companies the next Monday, taken that the interview was on Friday. So things went fairly fast. The company is called Kauas Creative and like I said, it’s a dream place for me. I work as a Production Assistant, which is something I’ve wanted to learn how to do for some time now. Proof that when you dream and send those dreams to the universe, AND work hard towards your goals, things come true! IMG_1157

I am so damn lucky to work with friends and new people that are crazy inspirational and motivate and teach me to push myself more and more everyday. So this is a testament for me to show myself what I am made of and really have inside myself.

If there’s a down side of this all goodness, it’s the fact that I get so crazy stoked and forget to have those peace moments for myself too. Last week I was working those normal grown people hours and then coming home to this buzzing head that just wanted to create more and push with my own projects, which meant that my head didn’t realise that I need to actually sleep at times haha.

So, thank goodness I realised this all fast and reminded myself that I need to do things that calm me down and also bring me new ideas and push my body and not only my mind.

I haven’t been running too much since the Copenhagen Half, actually only twice in the last week. Which is two runs in over a month. Partly because I just didn’t feel like running at all, and when I felt a bit like that I managed to fall on my bike really well just two days before I moved to Finland, fracturing my left elbow a bit and getting three stitches on my chin. Yay! But I really noticed this week that my body and especially my head needs that kind of balancing act again. IMG_1202

The first run was short and slow, my whole body felt so heavy but I got to run in my favourite forest and trails which made me feel so good. I reminded myself that I need to take this all slow, listen to my body, be happy with little and just breath. I am actually really happy that I have to start in a way from zero, this is a great moment for me to practise that running is just running and that I don’t need any special goals now. It’s a relief and weird thing to grasp, my head would love to do this funny pressure thing, that I need to be able to run faster and longer straight away. For goodness, I just ran super strong Ultra this summer, why do I feel this sluggish now. Well, I am not going to go into all that now. Slow and steady, building the base and grow from there. That’s what I want to do now. Be active to be able to do the job I love and want to get better at.

It’s funny how easy it is to lose that balance. But then again that’s life and we always have the option to find the balance again. But in this case, it’s not about losing or being shitty at something, it’s about learning as we go. I’m not failing at anything now, I am giving myself the chance to learn more and show myself what I’m capable of. If I lose my balance while doing something I love, I am more than happy to lose it and learning to find it again. No problem whatsoever.

We’re searching and stepping into unknown in a way everyday, pushing to ourselves to out of the comfort zone. At least I am, I’ve learned that that’s the only way to find truly who I am and what I am made of and where I should go. Not an easy or nice thing always but just worth it.

My goal this fall is to be able to be active and run and go to the gym regularly while having my first grown up job in quite a few years. Probably pretty normal challenge, for me first maybe ever. And I’m more than happy to take it on.

So more running, learning to meditate again daily, eat and drink enough water, sleep sleep and sleep enough. This all while learning new everyday. Pretty damn amazing challenge to have! IMG_9407

PMA ❤

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Running – Away From Something Or Towards Better?

Forever the lone wolf...

Forever the lone wolf… Photo Kent Steen Handlos

I haven’t been writing about running in a long, long time. But my move made me think the whole thing in a new way.

When you’ve been running as alone as I have, it’s a huge change to have people around you doing what you love and find peace from. And I’m finding that really difficult.

One of the main things for me when I moved was that I would finally be able to run with friends and other people, to get better as a runner and push myself a bit more, without forgetting the fun in it all. Well, I don’t think things have gone really like I thought.

But when I moved, I didn’t realize, as you always forget the pure stress of all the new, that my feelings and how I take running as a stress release will change too. I have been running for quite long for the fun of it and at times pushing myself that tad more and seeing some changes in myself. But I’ve also been running completely alone and that has made me take those moments as almost a bit holy, my time. Running with others for me is not only about getting used to different pace or having people around me. It’s about sharing something that is my savior with others, in a way that doesn’t really feel comfortable. I have to be willing to compromise in a thing that is so important part of my journey and a way to heal myself. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I want that. That might sound really weird but still.

Just as our lives move forward, we use running in different ways to deal with different situations. I’ve used it as a superficial way to lose weight, to run away from pain, to ease stress, to tire myself, to ease the mess in my head, to remember why I even am here, to make me fall in love with myself, and so many different ways. And I’ve pushed myself too much with the pressure of others, the type that actually comes from yourself, to a limit that I have injured myself and really realized why and how much I love running, when I couldn’t do it.

Lately I’ve been running way more than I used to, not always even sure why. It wasn’t like someone was making me do it. Of course, yes, I have my next Ultra race in just couple of weeks, so it would be nice to feel good about that. But I don’t want to run if it feels like a chore that I need to do, not something I want to do. The moment it feels like shit, I will take a break and ask myself what’s really going on. No interest in doing something that doesn’t in the end feel fun.

I’ve written before about how we should stop being so concentrated on the pace, or the finish times or how many kilometers we train per week, in the end none of those matter. And they can also make some of us feel like shit, so please stop. Some can even be too intimidated for entering the whole fun of running because of that pressure. And with saying this all, I don’t mean that I don’t respect people who are in to training hard and putting the work, but they also have to respect the people that have different approach to the whole thing. Not everyone wants to PR all the time, some just want to run and have fun, if the times improve while at it that’s a bonus, but seriously it just doesn’t matter.

So yes, I don’t have any idea how much I train every week, I do track my runs with a watch, but still I couldn’t give you any kind of answer about my week kilometers. I just run. I don’t have a plan, I try to follow one and always find myself doing what feels best for me. I want to improve but not with the cost of running becoming something I don’t even want to do.

Now, after running in a familiar place for the last 9-10 months, I’m in a situation where everything is new all the time. And if that wouldn’t be exhausting in general, it’s in running too. I don’t know where to run and not have to think at some point where the heck I am. So I’ve been definitely missing the way you can run when you just know where you are and where to go.

Also, I’ve really pushed myself in running with others, but for some reason it just doesn’t feel right. I’m sorry, maybe it’s my introverted self, but my max seems to be one to two people. When there’s more, I start feeling this pressure of being able to run faster and this and that, and I hate that feeling! There’s few people here that I absolutely love to run with, because we don’t have to talk all the time and it’s still comfortable. They are not in a hurry with the pace and run for the same reasons I do. To clear our heads and be in peace.

Yes, I also know that I’ve been here only for couple of weeks and my mind might change about having more people around me, but as of now with all the other life stuff around me, couple might be my max.

To be honest, I don’t know anything better than to run next to someone you are so comfortable with that you just run in silence, your steps are in sync and it’s this zen like moment. Then even the fact that you might be pushing yourself a bit more than normally, doesn’t feel bad. Or you don’t think if the distance is too much. But that doesn’t really happen with that many. So maybe that makes it better. It’s not some convenience store bag of chips, it’s special.

So, yeah I’m not a big fan of fast pace and not enjoying the journey. I respect people who run like that but it’s just not for me.

Another thing that I’ve had to understand here is that when I run, away from pain or exhaustion or confusion, my body usually knows better. And obviously I didn’t realize how exhausted of this all new I was, before I felt physically ill when I was running. I had a run last weekend, where I just wanted to puke. Or like yesterday, when I face planted majestically in a forest, pissed off by the pace of others and the fact that I couldn’t keep up and not feel like shit. So in short, the stress we carry in our minds will come out as a physical reactions through our bodies. Listen to your body, is not a joke. And give yourself time to be sad, hurt, terrified, alone or whatever is needed. Not feeling okay is okay too, just as long it’s not a constant situation.

I guess, at the moment I’m both running away from certain things in my life but at the same time healing myself, and dealing those issues and moving forward and towards better.

PMA ❤IMG_8020

One Week In, So How Does It Feel Now?

IMG_7910Less than two weeks of this new life, and I’m slowly realizing how good I’m truly feeling. Time feels like it’s just flying by and then you notice that it’s only been little over a week…

The fact how at home I feel is almost freaking me out a bit, but at the same time making me feel like “oh this is how you are supposed to feel…”. Or are we? I don’t know. But I am thoroughly enjoying this calm, peaceful feeling inside of me.

At times I feel like I want to freak out and panic a bit, mostly because I haven’t felt this happy and calm in so long, or maybe ever. What is happening to me?! And I think it would be so familiar to panic, yes yes of course I have those moments. But I also am able to calm down crazy fast from them. And to be honest, if I wouldn’t be weirded out at all about what’s going on and how much is going on, wouldn’t that be more worrying?

But seriously, how do we know that is the place I am supposed to be? I have no idea, but there has to be something in this all. I don’t know how many know what I mean with that peace and calm inside of me. If you know, then you understand how huge it is to have. The world is crazy around me and there’s so much happening, and I’m calm. That is big!

Less than a year ago when I was here last time, trying to make a home and a life, I was in such a different place with myself. The person I was then and who I am now, wow! And I think I am starting to really notice the difference here. With the help of a friend who was there for me last year and is there for me now. We were talking last week and he said something I feel too, but didn’t know how to put it in to words. Last year our relationship was more like big brother/little sister, now we are equal. That shows the change in me pretty well.

I have been thinking why is it that I am who I am these days, what happened in the past 9 months?

Because I’ve lost so much, gone through so much, and had so much pain to deal with on top of all else what life has. So why am I so loving and calm now. Why I’m not even close to the person I was before. What happened that I truly gave myself a chance to be who I probably have always been but haven’t given that me any chance?

Do we really have to lose so much to wake up and give life the chance?

I lost my Grandma, one of the most important people in my life. A relationship I thought was meant to be ended. I moved back to Finland which I really didn’t want to do, but it ended up healing me.  For the first time, even through all the pain, I was okay. I felt like this is my time to be there for others, something I haven’t been able to do before, because I wasn’t good with myself and the love for myself wasn’t truly there yet.

So that’s what really changed. Love, for myself and for others. And gratitude for all, not just the good moments, mostly actually for the bad and ugly ones. And the fact that I’m able to be happy. It’s not always easy, but I’ve given myself the okay to just be happy. For the first time in my life. Baby steps, but still.

If you would ask what I changed in what I did or how this all happened, I have no idea and no answer to you. I’ll tell that when I’ve figured it out.

But what I do know is this, a quote from a dear friend Robin Arzon, “I know that I’m not here to waste my days.”

I’m too old for letting my life just pass me by and not do anything about it. So if this place feels like home, for the first time ever in any place, I will give it all the changes. If I have that calm and peaceful feeling inside of me that I’m doing the right thing, I will push on even if I’m super scared of it all at times. And if it feels right to love as much as I do these days, oh I will do just that! Basically I am giving myself THE chance for the first time.

I’m letting go of the old, while learning what it has taught me, but being open and patient with my future. Trusting what it has to offer. Less control and planning, more of that jump to unknown stuff. This all sounds crazy, but it’s so right. I know I’m doing things all backwards and “wrong” in the sense of how we are supposed to do, but that never worked for me before, so why would it now?

So while I’m casually working this new life of mine here, I am also training for my next Ultra in 19 days. So no biggie. Little things are making me who I am. And I could not be happier with who I am now. I want nothing to change. Nothing.

Lovers gonna love, that’s all.

PMA ❤IMG_7942

Oooops, I Moved To Copenhagen!

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Ready at the airport in Helsinki with my house of a bag that fits my life .

Yeah, I think oops is the best way to describe this move, or again :D. I was thinking and talking and planning this one, but the actual move decision was made just few days before my flights here.

Another jump to unknown, or was it? I know the city a bit, more than some others I’ve moved to. I really wanted to get away from Finland, I really did. And now I’m here, not going back “home” or was that even home…

That is one of the biggest things I’ve noticed since I came back here. I haven’t felt this at home in long time, maybe ever, probably never. Yesterday I was walking around in the city and noticed myself just smiling while looking around. This weird, for me, sensation just flooded over me and just made me feel like I finally have found a place I belong. And that is a first for me.

Photo by Sofie Riisgaard

Photo by Sofie Riisgaard

A year ago when I was here, I didn’t belong at all, I wasn’t ready and really not “there” yet with myself. I didn’t really know anyone that well, and I had no energy to get out there and meet people. And then I lost my Grandma. Too much, just too much!

But now, I have quite a few friends here, not only running related. I actually have one of my best friends here, which makes me extremely happy. I do miss my best friends in Finland, but they are with me and in my heart. And I know I am doing the best thing for me. The work I’ve done before I moved here to be able to make this work, is just so different than ever before. I just feel calm and in peace with this all, yes I am afraid and doubt myself at times, but the overall feeling is more than good.

It’s funny how a year ago I didn’t want to ride my bike here, still don’t remember really why, but now I’m at home here with that too. The neighborhood that I really didn’t like last year, is my home now. And it feels like home, like home! Like a place I could find my dream apartment and all. That all feels so overwhelming and amazing at the same time!

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Bridge the Gap/ Copenhagen Marathon Photo by Henrik Thorn

Though me coming here just before the Copenhagen Marathon weekend has made this all feel a bit confusing, as those weekends with friends from all over the globe does to you. You need couple days to decompress. But it was such an amazing weekend. I would not be here now without running and the chance to meet so many insanely amazing people! Pretty damn lucky to call them my friends <3.

I’ve surprised myself in so many ways already here, which makes me pretty happy. Like being able to run almost 20km in steady fastish pace for me without dying. I know that my running will improve so much here, just the fact that I will be running with others will help, but to be able to run with people who are way better at it and the push I have to get from myself and I get from them. Priceless!

But I also feel this pressure coming from within, that this is a do or die situation. Which is a bit stupid, but somehow that makes me push a bit more, so I’ll keep that close now. While I do that, I need to remember to give myself time to let all this sink in. I have to remember that I just moved countries again, not just houses. And it still is a big deal. So be gentle to yourself, please.

Friends on friends on friends!! Photo by My-Ha Lang

Friends on friends on friends!!
Photo by My-Ha Lang

It’s a funny feeling of wanting to do everything at once and the need of pulling back. Balancing it all is the most important thing. To recognize myself and how I deal with different things. For example, if I’ve been with old and new friends the whole weekend, I would be a bit exhausted in normal situation, but when you top that with the move, it’s more than normal to feel exhausted. So the thing is to take some time for myself to get my batteries charging and then do those things I wanted with better energy. Not an easy thing to remember, when you don’t want to do the same mistakes as before. Baby steps…

I somehow also felt nervous about writing these all out, like the place I am at the moment would make some difference in what I can write and not. But it’s fear again, maybe. To be who I truly am in front of so many new. In front of all the new, which makes me feel so powerful and confused at the same time. Though mostly just really amazing and excited, so I’ll take that as a good sign.

So yeah, oops I moved to Copenhagen!

If you know any jobs or want to offer me some, I’m looking :)!

Let’s see how this move goes, I feel ready and yeah, at home, so no reason why this wouldn’t work!

PMA ❤

What It Is That I Actually Want In My Life – To Be Happy

IMG_4657I heard this song this morning, that I listened a lot when I was moving to another country the first time, almost three years ago. And I haven’t heard it in almost that time… And now it came and made me cry. It hit so hard and true to what I am going through at the moment in my life.

For the past three something years I’ve been searching, searching myself, what makes me happy, what do I want in my life, what am I about, all that. I feel that I know exactly what it is but haven’t really wanted to admit it to myself. I think it hit me while I was passing these dreamy small houses in my Ultra in Bornholm, I knew that I want to live in a similar one one day. I want to have a home of my own.

In the search of mine, I’ve gone from one end to another, made bold statements of what I want and don’t. Sometimes to my own surprise. Especially lately… For example, I have been feeling that I really don’t think I want kids at all. But a happy coincidence from a dear friend having the coolest wormlike person whose completely stolen my heart and made me think of my bold statement again. Is me not having kids really what I want? I know that I am super scared to have them, or not the having part, the part afterwards. I know, I truly know, that I would be a great Mom. But I am honestly worried if my depression changes my childs life like it did mine. But that is fear, nothing to do with the actual fact of having something growing inside you and you looking at your own in the end, growing and loving.

I think the reason why I haven’t been into having kids lately, of course not having anyone to have them with, has been the blunt reason that I have just started my own life and really started to realize what I want to do. For the first time, so I’ve felt that having a kid would someone ruin that for me.

But back to the small houses in Bornholm. I remember how happy seeing them made me, sounds funny, but I’ve been in this weird space in my life for the last three years and still am, that I haven’t had my own home at all. Not a place to call mine, place that looked like I live there, a place that I would feel completely safe and in peace and comfortable. I’ve had times when I missed having that place so bad, that it made me cry. Then most of the time I’ve just adapt to the situation and go forward and lived my life. But I’m really getting to this mindset after a long long time that I really would love to have my own place. A place to call home. And I know that a home doesn’t always have to be a place, but I think at this time in my life, that is exactly what I want.

I don’t own much, but I would love to be able to have all my books in one place, have my dog in the same place I am, have the few mugs I have in my kitchen, maybe have a some super cosy sofa to lay and read and snuggle. I would love to have my few art pieces on the walls and a place that looks a bit like me. I don’t need or want much, but it would be so lovely to have a place. And I would love to have a place with old wooden floors and old windows that you could sit on the window sealings :). I think the screaky wooden floors take the first place on this competetion haha.

The past week I’ve been in a flu, and of course I’ve had a lot of time to think. I’ve been up and down a lot, but I’ve realized that part of it is the fact that I know exactly what I wish to have in my life at the moment and they aren’t anything crazy.

I would love to have a home, I would love to have a job where I could bring my talent out and be good at what I do and who I am, I would love to have someone special to share my life with, maybe run too, I would love to have some friends to spend my time with, maybe have some lovely nights with food and good wine. I would want to have kids one day, maybe even be married one day. Nothing super crazy, but after being in this nomad life for the past three years, they sound amazing. Solid and comforting. The main point is that I wish to be happy with my life. I really miss having those kinds of “normal” things in my life.

The truth is that I love normality, with a twist :). I love when I kind of know what is happening next, at times I love to plan things. I have gotten so used to having to live a life with a lot of situations changing around me all the time, that I’ve forgotten that I do love to have some certainty too. So I am grateful to have had these past years, yes, but I would love to have some calmness at least on some aspects of my life now.

Obviously I don’t know if I’m going to find them in Copenhagen, which will be my next stop. In a way I would love to stay there for long enough to see if it would be really my place. I have this tiny voice in me yelling that it will. I already know where I would love to live, almost the exact house. There’s the sea, which I love. There’s many many things I absolutely love and feel that I will have a lot more soon. And there’s a spot where me and Ukko used to walk last year when we lived there, and just sit next to the sea and stay in silence. Somehow my lovely dog loves the same things I do. And I have dear people there who I love to have in my life and run with. That’s one huge thing for me, to have people to run with around me, the first time ever I’ve actually wanted that.

So in the end, I don’t miss or want that much in my life. Mainly to be happy, and definitely to share it with someone who loves me and I love. That is a big thing for me. But I’m in no rush, all will come in time.

To be happy. To be loved. Smile. Breath easy. Read books. Eat good food. Get those hugs I miss now when I haven’t gotten them in a long time. Or hugs in general. Having the real life in my life with wooden floors. Tea. Remember to be happy and smile to all those tiniest little things in life. And dance because life is pretty amazing. It makes us cry but it always picks us up too, if we let it. And don’t forget to do those things that make you feel all silly, they make you feel alive in the end. ❤

What I want in my life is what I’ve worked towards without realizing it. I’ve been alone for long enough, so now is time to let people in my life, really let them. Because I do like that. The balance of being alone when needed and being surrounded with love too.

It feels like this weight lifted off my shoulders when I admitted these all to myself. Good that that happened. The pressure of “not knowing” is easier when you give yourself a chance to see what you have in you. Really.

PMA ❤

I need to add the lyrics here, so you maybe understand what in it hit so hard.

“Leave your country
Leave the notes
Of your future and your goals

Leave your language
You once spoke
Leave the soil where you were born

Leave all
Leave the guards
Leave the stone crushed in your heart

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

Left your country
Left your father
Left your sister, left their warmth

Leave all
We know too well
Leave this paradise, caught in hell

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

And I, I ran
And I, I ran”