ARGH! Doubt Is Trying To Kill My Vibe

This is exactly how Ukko would look at me if he would be next to me.

This is exactly how Ukko would look at me if he would be next to me.

Serious ARGH!!

Today has been all about being grateful and proud and happy and all that good good. Even with a flu lingering in the back. Basically today has been great, with great news and those old fears crossed from the list.

And what is happening now, or the past couple of hours… I’m in this panicky anxious doubt mode. Like that makes any sense! None whatsoever! But still it’s here.

And yes, it’s here because things are actually been good and there’s great things in my life at the moment. But for some reason the way my head works, the remains of the old me, is that when things are good and I should be overjoyed about life, I start doubting everything.

The past few days have been just about taking those steps forward, stepping over those old fears and doubts. Applying for that job that would be such a dream, getting your piece published in a great magazine, moving forward with things that I have been planning and dreaming about. So what do I do then, panic. Because that almost makes sense.

I’m pretty shitty at giving myself credit for the fact that I’m moving countries soon again, not moving to a new apartment in the familiar place I’ve been living for some time, no, actually moving to another country, again.

To be honest, I’m scared shitless. Like really scared.

What if this all won’t work this time either? What if I believe in things that just aren’t meant to be?

Since the Ultra, I’ve been so open, like an open wound. Promised to myself that this is the way I want to live my life, be true and real with all my fears and feelings. All the good and bad. And for the first time, I’ve actually done that, not just mean to do. But that also means that if I felt all things before big, now I am in some wow level. And the funny thing is that most of the time I’m really calm and don’t feel at all that I need to go to this old panic mode, but today it caught me totally off guard. It’s the what if’s.

I really feel like I started a new book, empty and clean, when I finished that Ultra, but this all is so unknown and scary. And there comes moments when I feel so damn lonely. They are small moments of fear. It’s that huge hole of anxiousness inside of me, that is only the old me trying to get the better of me. And I just have to fight this through and show again to myself that I’m not that anymore. And it’s not like I’ll always have good days all the way, with no dips. That would be terrible.

I feel like I’m this raw thing now, with only one way to do things, the way that scares me but makes me push on anyways. I hate that notion, that I can’t give up anymore. Like it would be so easy, hah, that would actually be the hardest thing. To give up when you know that you’re not that person anymore.

I know that I have to let myself feel this all, but this shit is so uncomfortable, it almost makes you itch. And with a tiny hint of flu, I can’t just go and run this out. I actually have to just deal with it and feel all of it. Which I should be good at, feeling all of the feelings, because I’ve always done that to the max. But I also have to remind myself that this is a thing I can’t control, sometimes I just have to let go and feel it all.

I’ve been listening a lot of Mikky Ekko the past couple of days, he has this song on his new album called “Watch Me Rise”. And it was this powersong today for me, like really, almost sing out loud outside while walking home from the train kind of song. And now, after getting some good old tough love from a dear friend, I was listening to it again, and it really reminded me of where I am now in my life.

There’s this part in the lyrics that really hit me hard now…

“Now paranoia’s setting in and I’m falling from these stars again
While every part of me screams, “hold on”
Cause if you can’t learn to bend then you break
Oh my God, how long does it take?
Every lesson we learned took so long
But it made us strong”

This all that I’m going through in my life at the moment, is not supposed to be that easy. I am doing really big things to change my life better, which can be terrifying at times. But it will be worth it, that’s what I need to keep saying to myself as long I believe it again. And remind myself of all the things that’s already happened and actually today! TODAY!

So note to self, feel it all, let yourself be scared but don’t let it take over the whole situation. If this all would be easy, everybody would move countries all the time and followed their dreams like nothing. These are big things, give yourself some bloody credit for this all, at least sometimes! You are amazing, strong and courageous! So keep doing what you’ve done, because it’s working! So hold on and love with all you are, like you have! ❤

PMA ❤

Advertisements

Body Image – How It Changes Through The Years

From year 2011 by Joni Helminen

From year 2012 by Joni Helminen

For the past month I’ve really been thinking about my body and how I see it these days. I’ve changed so much in few years and my body even more.

In my twenties I was extremely insecure, like probably all of us, but somehow I found my sexiness as this power that I could use and feel the power through it. And I used it, not always the right way, for myself, as I wasn’t doing anything to really get to know myself. I was obviously trying to find who I was but I think in a completely wrong way. And obviously I thought that if a guy wants me then he likes me, yes I was that lost.

I was going through photos from my old computer and saw these photos of me from few years ago, photos of me topless, and I was just looking at them. How I held my body and what my expression was. Did I look strong or insecure or what it was.

I remember how I wanted those photos to be taken, I wanted to feel like the hottest girl around, though I never got that… But I do like to have them, to see how I looked back then.

For so long I tried so hard to be liked, and I didn’t get any of that. When I stopped and started liking myself, things changed.

And the way I see myself these days is so different than back then. I’ve worked crazy hard for that.

Back then what was really important to me was that I looked good and was skinny. Because obviously that was what mattered. Though in my twenties my body has gone through so much change. My weight went from around 60kg to over 80kg to less than 60kg to this and that, and that all has left it’s mark on my body and skin. The main reason for this is my depression. When I get depressed I eat, eating has always been the thing that I am able to control and my body has taken the toll of that.

From year 2011 by Samuli Ronkanen

From year 2011 by Samuli Ronkanen

Now I’m starting to really love myself and seeing my body in a new way. Though it’s a constant struggle.

I look at my body and see the changes, how the different stages of my last ten years have done, and how my age is changing my body too. I guess it’s part of this aging thing too.

I really love how strong I look these days, yes I have visible cellulite, and my abs aren’t as tight as I would like them to be, but I am strong. And I carry myself really confident most of the time now, not saying I’m sorry with my appearance as I did before. I don’t care what people say most of the time, and just wear what I want, which hasn’t always been that easy for me.

But I’m finding the me I really am. And that is powerful. I really wish I could have the same photos that I attached here taken now, to see the difference. Because I’m sure that the life experience of the past few years would show on them.

It’s really empowering when I’m able to go out the way I want and be proud of myself. And get my inner self shine. The truer I am the better I feel and the better I feel I look. I’m still searching but I feel like I’m pretty close.

I wish that I can see myself how I see myself now, for long and not loose this feeling. I don’t always have to love what I see but I do have to respect the work and give credit to myself for it. And say something positive and good about myself to myself every day. And remember to love myself and say that too.

PMA ❤

From year 2011 by Joni Helminen

From year 2012 by Joni Helminen