Live. Learn. Grow. Move On.

I didn’t have any kind of crisis when I turned 30, I was just happy to get a clean start, but I feel like I’m in some search momentum in my life now. Wouldn’t say a crisis, but a search of a bigger picture of myself, yes.

Live

If something, I have lived. Ups and downs more than one could need. Struggle that’s only made me stronger than I ever thought possible. Even through it all, I’m happy for all the heartbreaks and losses and struggles. I would not be anywhere close to who I am now without them, and where I am now is the best I’ve ever been. And I always wished when I was younger that that day when I’m in a rocking chair I would have stories, I do have those and keep living to have more of them.img_3042Learn

I could’ve chosen easier routes and roads to go forward but I’ve always chosen the ones that make me learn the most. Not easy, but worth it. I’m in a point in my life where I know that I won’t have unlimited amount of time, so I want to do the things now that I want and dream, but I don’t want to rush my life just experiencing. Things have a habit of figuring themselves out, if I just trust that. All have before so all will in my future too. Trust that gut of yours and don’t try to control everything too much. Risks are always worth taking. And, never, ever loose that yearn to learn more.

“If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself.”

-Nikita Gill

Grow

I might be almost 32, but that doesn’t mean that I have to be where the majority of my peers are. I don’t need to do and live my life in a way that is expected in some grand scheme of things. All will happen that is meant to happen, and what won’t doesn’t mean that my life wouldn’t be successful and fulfilling for me. But I’ve needed to grow to understand that some things I yearn won’t wait, I need to do what I have bubbling in me. I also don’t feel like I need to wait to say “those” things to people, if I have something that I want to be honest about. I’ve grown enough with myself to be sure and strong woman that I don’t need to take whatever people throw at this world to each other. It’s okay for me to stand up for myself and keep myself on the number one spot. So let yourself grow to that person you have in you, let that amazing You come out. I’m learning and growing into that person every damn day.

“Being both soft and strong is a combination very few have mastered.”

-Yasmin Mogahed

Move On

Let go of those people, things, habits, whatever you are dragging with you. Those things that hold you back from being the best you, you can be. We aren’t going to be here forever and you and I owe it to ourselves to be honest to ourselves and let go of all that negativity, and just be truthful and happy with what we have. The freedom you get from letting go is insane. But give yourself time for all that work that you need to grieve, to be mad, to be sad, to cry, to let go, to forgive and especially forgive yourself. And in the end and through it all, lovelovelove yourself. You deserve only good in your life, whatever it is that makes you happy and feel good, give that space to yourself and let go of all unnecessary. And remember that is completely okay to move on. And also remember, you are only a human, you don’t have to be able to take everything. You make mistakes, that you move on from. It’s all good.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

-Rumi

PMA ❤

https://vimeo.com/145243044

Letting Go 2015 Like An Old Lover. Welcoming 2016 Like The Me I Am Now

img_2816“I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I AM MYSELF.” ❤

Until 2015, I feel like I’ve only lived for others. I started my journey to Me in 2015, but fell for my old habits and forgot how and who I am. This is almost like my manifesto to myself, in the most honest way possible.

2015 has been all about finding and learning who I am and what I want, who I truly am under all that fear of myself. It has been about heartbreak, love, pain, confusion, finding myself, conquering my fears, going after my goals for the first time ever, freedom, learning to love the skin I’m in and saying goodbye to people and habits I’ve outgrown or who are bad for me and my life.

I also made myself do a list of who I am. I am strong, passionate, talented, caring, special, loving, artistic, capable, beautiful, creative, loyal, trustworthy, sexy, warrior, deserving, enough, open, honest, brave, sucker for love, supporting. I know I am more than those but giving who I am and how hard making a list like that is, I am very proud of myself for getting those down. 

For the past week I’ve gone through the whole year over with myself, really pushed myself to deal certain things, to let go of others and forgive the ones that feel that hardest. I knew that I needed to do that, to be alone even though all of sudden it felt so scary, the one thing I usually enjoy too much. I knew that my broken self can still be whole in front of certain people, my brokenness doesn’t mean that I’m not okay, it means I’m strong enough to admit certain things to myself and give myself the push I need to deal and let go of them. Without the heartbreaks of 2015, I would not have woken up to the Me I really am. In 2015 I learned who I am as a woman, learned what that means, entails, empowers me and others, what I deserve and can say No to!

There’s moments when I realize things about myself and I need to write them down, this was one of them: You’re not any readier than they are to love again, so don’t push them and most of all, do not push yourself.

I know that these aren’t the things that we should be open and honest about, because at times it feels that we need to be all about slaying all and be good with ourselves, but letting go of a love that you had for someone, whether they hurt you or not, is HARD, whether you know the decision to be right. In short that shit hurts, because there’s people who take a bit more of your heart than you ever expected to happen. And even though I know that it’s the right thing to be alone now, my whole being rebels against that, not all the time but there are moments.

I’m one of those who fall hard, I love hard, I believe in the good of others hard with the notion that I might get hurt hard. I tend to open my heart in a way that it’s super easy to rip it open if you don’t respect the openness of it. I don’t second guess my gut feeling about how I feel about someone and how I see the good in them, even if they don’t see it themselves.

The love I wish to give and have is who I am, open and honest. I am tired of hiding or filtering my love and feelings in general. I’ve done that for most of my life. I want to be able to show my love and not have to think about if it’s okay. I wish to have that kind of love in return as well. A love that looks like that person who is proud to have my kind of love without wanting to push it down or me being someone else I am. No more filtering love.

I think I’ve finally stopped apologizing how and who I am. That was one big thing I learned in 2015. This is who I am, whether you like me or not, this is Me. In 2016 I want to truly be brave and let myself be Me, all of Me. To get to know that Me that I am, but have been hiding from myself.

” Be a better You, for You.”

– Sonya Teclai

There’s certain things that make you, force you to realize that you won’t be here forever. You look at your body and how it has changed, you know that it doesn’t work the same way it did couple of years ago. You look at your skin and how there’s lines that weren’t there maybe a week ago, but in the same time they make you look so much more beautiful. They show the life you’ve lived, the pain you’ve cried through, the smiles you’ve smiled with cheeks in pain. Growing up and older can be scary, but I’ve decided to at least try to embrace the journey of it all.

You feel the pressure of doing things you want to do before it’s too late, but at the same time you don’t want to rush through life, you want to really enjoy the moments.

You want to be true and honest with and to yourself, while being so confused with that all in the midst of feeling exactly certain who that is.

You want to take risks to be sure that you live but at the same time want to be in control of what happens when you take those risks. How to trust the jump when you have no certainty in what will come after you jump.

“I tell you what freedom is. No fear!”

– Nina Simone

How to balance those things you have raging in you. How to be happy with being alone when people around you are so far from that exact thing. How to be those two you’s that you are, how to live as one with them both. How to be that outdoorsy, less is more person and that ambitious, brave career woman who wants to be great at what she does. But isn’t it a balance that the other needs from the other? That is something I will tackle now. Learn how to make those equally good in me that I am in peace. Right now it feels a bit like I have to choose, but then it would mean that I need to choose one from two passions of mine and I’m not ready or willing to do anything like that. I don’t feel that I need to.

I remember how I said almost a year ago how I feel that my life just started for the first time, now more than ever I feel that, really feel it hard. I feel how fast time moves on but I want to forget rushing through it all. I want to forget the lure of being in a hurry. I can be and will be the best Me I can when I respect the both sides of me. I need to be, for myself, patient in what I’ve wished for my life to be earlier, when I realize that it’s exactly that now. Like I wrote before, watch what you wish for…

I don’t want to do any resolutions for 2016. I want to be able to listen to myself on a daily basis and really take the moments I have without hurry. I want to keep being honest about how I feel, especially if someone feels special to me, we don’t have enough time to not say those things, even if we don’t get anything back. I want to be patient and gentler to myself, more mercy. Past is past for a reason. Now is now for even bigger reason. Live in the now, not past or future, now. That’s my Note To Self.

MORE LOVE. MORE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. MORE SPONTANOUS ADVENTURES. MORE HONESTY AND BEING OPEN. MORE RESPECT TO ONE ANOTHER. MORE BRAVE ME AND MORE PMA ❤

 

 

 

Live And Learn…

IMG_2187“Let’s push as far before I crack…”.

And then I cracked, as in on Tuesday morning 5:30, I got an epilepsy attack, a grand mal, something I haven’t had in 13 years. Which ended up me needing to go to the emergency room with an ambulance in the morning. And also really go through my life and how I’ve been living it lately.

If I am smart and admit that I’ve been working too hard and long hours, in my own new found passion for my job, this wouldn’t happen as I would’ve been smart enough to calm the situation early enough, but no…

I have a habit of going full steam when I get excited about something. And this past couple of months have not been any different. I found something I am good at, got all stoked to the point that I was ready to do anything and everything to get ahead in my job when I should’ve have calm down and slow down and learn slow and steady. And with my insane passion and drive, I’ve managed to piss off some people, because it can be too much at times, and for a reason. I can be too much, I know that. I’ve lived with myself quite a few years and worked on this trait of mine but forgot it this time… Unfortunately.

But playing with my health is the stupidest thing I could do, especially when I’m the one usually reminding my friends of it. There’s no reason for me to do anything so much that my body stops me to the core. None.

My first reaction to the attack was pure hatred. I was pissed off that the medics wanted me to calm down, when they obviously didn’t realised that I have stuff to do. When I understood that they are being good to me, I got pissed off at myself. I was pissed off that I let this all go this far. When I know too well that I am not that important that things will stop if I don’t do them all. But it’s still tempting, as people like me know.

It’s super easy to beat yourself up for something like this, but then again it won’t help you in any way. You can only learn from your mistakes, like I have before, so this should not be any different.

What almost surprised me was the fact that I was terrified that I will lose my job because of this. I was genuinely worried that this is it, if I won’t be able to do what I’m supposed to then what am I good for?! The thing is that no one is expecting me to do some inhumane amounts of work and still push on. I’m supposed to have a life just like anyone else and I’m still learning the traits of this field, I’m not ready and done yet, hopefully never will be. So I need to be way easier to myself. I have to have other life too, I need to see my friends and have time for running and other things that make me smile and feel full of life.

There’s no need to drain my whole being from everything with the thought that if I don’t then someone else will get my job… Which could happen anyway.

But I do owe myself to be the best I can to myself, so that I can be the best I can be in what I do and to others too. I should know this as I’ve gone through similar situations before, not this drastic but close enough to learn my lesson, except that I obviously haven’t.

Maybe the fact that there’s been so many amazing and good things in my life since I moved back home to Finland, that the shear amount of it all has just overwhelmed me and I’ve just jumped in without thinking that I need some balance to it all.

The stupidest thing, to do to myself, was the fact that I didn’t give myself any time to heal from it all, but I went back to work the next day only to learn that I need to take few days off because of that mistake. Which made me feel even worse this morning when I realised it. But I can either keep beating myself or just learn my lesson and move forward with a smarter mindset.

I think for a moment, I got sucked into this thing that is cool that if you’re super busy and “important” then you’re doing things well… A thing I’ve always hated, for a reason. As the real me knows that that is not real and that being there for others and taking care of yourself are way more important things to take care of.

I need to go back to my own drawing board and maybe even write down, what things are important to me and what can I do to be better at them and in my job that I love, without risking my health. Should not be too hard.IMG_2218

For sure, a thing I really don’t want to even think, is the fact of how much this epilepsy attack really scared the shit out of me. I haven’t had any issues with it for a good 12 or so years and after doing everything opposite to what I know are good, I managed to work it back to my life and freak me out. For a good reason I’ve done certain things in a certain way so that I don’t need to worry about the whole thing. I managed to forget them all with my excitement. Again, lesson learned, hopefully!

I can be good at things, without drowning my whole being in them. It’s completely okay to take time for yourself and need to rest, nothing wrong with that. Without being healthy selfish and doing exactly those, you won’t be able to keep pushing with the things you love. Same goes with work, running, whatever. You need to rest to be able to do them. Point blank.

In the end this was needed, not that I am proud of it on any level, but I seem to need a pretty drastic reminder to stop what I have been doing. Learning slowly my lesson, but still got some work to do with learning this.

Also what really humbled me was the sheer amount of care and love that I received near and far, thank you so much for it all ❤ means the world and reminds me of those good things!

I can be afraid of many things but I can’t over compensate to make them work. One step at a time, is the right way to go. I need help just like anyone else. I have to say that I am very blessed to have good people in my life to ask for help or say how I feel. Things are way better than before, I’m truly not alone anymore. Thank you. ❤

SLOW. STEADY. YOU’RE ENOUGH. REST. SLEEP. EAT. DRINK. HUG AND LOVE. PMA ❤IMG_2217

FUCK I Needed That Run & Other Stories

IMG_2122Yep, Fuck I needed that run and other stories about a young lady who is pursuing and pushing to be a successful career warriorqueen. To put it simply…

Today was a HUGE Note To Self, I haven’t been running basically at all in the last month, just working my ass off. Doing something I absolutely love, but all is new, I need to be like a sponge every day to be able to keep up with the pace we go forward, still loving it and trying learn more and more all the time. But I just forgot something very damn important while doing that. If I put taking care of my body and mind in the backseat, it will kick me hard soon enough.

“Don’t try so hard to fit in and certainly don’t try so hard to be different… Just try hard to be you.”

-Zendaya

I’ve finally found something that I am really good at, workwise, so obviously when I was given the opportunity to work in a company I can put all my skills to use, I did not hesitate. But because I jumped in straight to the deep end, I just lost the yearn and need to move in a way that I used to use as a saviour and the one thing that kept me going.

Today I noticed really how much the lack of moving had done to me, I was anxious, felt negative and ready to snap. I’ve felt all of those growing in me for some time, but just decided to ignore them and push on. Well my body is smarter than me.

What my body and mind needs, is running at least three times a week, no matter what. Because basically if I don’t I just become a unpleasant dickhead with no patience, if not to other then to myself for sure, which is not really any better. My headspace is not really equipped to handle all the excitement, stoke level, new challenges without any outlet.

This all is a learning curve for me. This is the first time when I am comfortable with who I am, the real me and really love that me, that I have a job that I am really good at and getting better and really love doing, I have friends all over the place, I have A life. And I had a way to balance my life, but I managed to forget that I actually need it to be a constant in my life, not just sometimes.

I definitely learned a valuable lesson today. If I don’t run, not only my body changes but my mind is honestly about to explode. I need that release to cope with what world is throwing at me.

“Forgive yourself. Not just once. Again, and again, and again. As many times as it takes to find peace.”

Without running, I wouldn’t be able to do my job, I need those moments of creating things in my mind while my body pushes on and sweats the extra stress out. So if I want to really be good at my job, I need to run. Or do anything physical.

And I went for a run, and it was cold and pitch dark and rainy, and I loved every damn step of it. I needed that fucking run. I needed to feel all of that to remember why I started and found myself and woke up to this insanely amazing life of mine.

At least three times a week, no less, maybe more. That is the deal I have with myself now. A deal that I need to keep, because it’s about me and my own happiness and health, and those things really should be the most important ones.

Thank you body and mind for pushing me to the corner hard enough for me to understand what I need to do. Thank you!

I promise to be better and love you both more.

LOVE. FORGIVE YOURSELF. PMA ❤

Embracing Your True Self Is Really Hard And Really Amazing At The Same Time

IMG_1506Finding who you are, is hard work. Going deep and really facing yourself, changing what needs to be changed for yourself to be truly you and happy, and in the end embracing your true self, the one that has been kicking and screaming under all to get out and show you how amazing you really are.

I am in this turmoil of Me. I’m on that edge of the cliff to be the Me I am, that I’ve been working towards, but there’s that last part to be okay with.

Me moving back to Finland is definitely part of that last part of this. I need to be okay with this place and then I can finally let go of that weird discomfort and anger I’ve had in me. My new job is making it way easier for me than I thought, damn lucky me!

I’m in a situation where I can finally work in a company and people that really push me forward, appreciate me and my skills and actually tell that to me directly. I am beyond happy about that. Majority of my life at the moment is more than good, wouldn’t change anything but there’s one that is able to take me down at times, right now.

The thing is as simple as me gaining some weight after the Copenhagen Marathon and my face plant with my bike that left me a bit unable to do anything for a while. I also completely lost my interest in running for some time. And for the first time I have a job where I actually like to look good and me and be representable. Or more like that I have a chance to be me and look like I really do. And all of sudden my clothes don’t fit to me and I just want to hide myself, something I did before my work with myself started. I hate that feeling I have now.

I hate that I feel uncomfortable now with my skin, after I worked so damn hard to not feel like that, to feel comfortable with myself and in my skin. I hate that I feel that I want to hide myself and my body. I’ve done that for so many years of my life and last summer I was finally in this place with myself that I was confident and proud of myself and didn’t feel that I need to hide anything anymore. I know that I will be back in that “place”, but the feeling I’ve had now just kicks my ass and not in the right way at all.

I know that the change isn’t big, but it’s big enough to make me feel like shit at the changing room when I try to buy some pants. I’m one of those who get all the extra on their hip/ass area, but not at all in that delicious way that my ass would just got rounder, naa…

It’s also been a time in my life when I’ve realised my age. That I need to work more constant and regularly not just at times, my body bounces back to old way faster than to that hard worked toned one. I need to be consistent in what I do, eat and how I live. Maybe this was a good reminder in that.

All in all, I am in this first time ever moment in my life, I don’t feel that I need anyone in my life, I am finally enough to me. I don’t really feel like my life would be any better now with someone in it. I’m not ready for anything really now, I need to really deal and get rid of some stuff that was done to me in my last relationship.  But the content and happy feeling about myself is the best feeling, the fact that I am more than okay with myself. It’s almost relieving that I don’t feel that it would be nice to have someone in my life now. It’s nice to have this freedom all to myself. To not feel like I need to care about anyone else than myself. Maybe it sounds rude to someone, but I’ve wanted to feel this good with myself for so so long that I do not care.

There was this amazing Instagram post I saw this morning, it so accurately summed up how I feel now about everything. IMG_1610

I’m also in a situation with my work that I’ve never been before, I’m the oldest one there and the only single one, so in the beginning it felt almost funny, but I’ve had moments now where it’s almost felt a bit sad. Not sure why, but there’s been this “am I going to be like this long still?”. And at the same time not even wanting anything. Confusing to say the least, or maybe part of life.

To be honest I feel really confused and at peace at the same time. What am I even supposed to think of that?!

I love this me who is confident in her life, at least most of the time, I fucking feel like some warrior queen at times, is there anything better?! I don’t like the me who puts myself down for something as ridiculous as feeling like shit because I’ve gained weight when I’ve actually finally lived and enjoyed my life. That is just stupid.

But when you’ve been fighting with yourself and your self worth through your body image as long as I have, it can still be a bit of a rough thing at times. Especially when being in that comfortable skin is as scary as loosing it. It’s a long and constant battle that won’t get easier as I get older, as I need to work for it more than before. Again, maybe this was a good wake up reminder that it really is so, I need to work harder now than before to keep what feels the best.

I know that I will be back in that skin soon again, sooner than it really feels now. I think I needed to feel a bit shit and let myself do a little cry and show myself that all of that hard work really means a lot to me. That I’m not that looser, quitter that I was before, that Me is really dying down, thank goodness!

Everything can’t be all happy and shiny all the time, I need to dig deep and go down at times too. I hope I never loose that, because even though I feel like shit in those moments, I always climb back up from them these days.

Actually it was great to look myself today at the changing room and feel like shit for a second. Because it really was a second. Mostly I felt that I looked better than I thought. If there’s a part of me I’m not happy at the moment, I know that I can change it, that’s simple.

I love that I’m finding and embracing my worth these days. Finally getting pissed about people treating me shitty. Finally not caring that much if someone only texts me when I haven’t been active on that. It’s easy to find those people who really should be in your life when you don’t need others to make you happy.

It’s liberating to be able to be mad at someone who treated you bad and let myself feel all those feelings that I’ve denied from myself for so long. To say that “fuck you for being shitty to me and using my kindness for your own good”! To just let it out and move on. IMG_1550

So the point of this all is that embracing your true self is the best, deleting toxic people from your life is the best, believing and working hard towards something and everything is the best, going through bad relationship can be the best wake up to your own self worth, it’s okay to feel like shit at times, just as long as you don’t drown in that, remind yourself of your amazing self and how damn hard you’ve worked!

DO YOU. LOVE YOURSELF. REMEMBER HOW HARD YOU’VE WORKED. STAY WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING! PMA ❤ OWN WHO YOU ARE. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. DO THAT QUEEN SHIT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL ALIVE.

Warrior Queen song to end this and power you to some warrior moves to shake all the negativity off!