ARGH! Doubt Is Trying To Kill My Vibe

This is exactly how Ukko would look at me if he would be next to me.

This is exactly how Ukko would look at me if he would be next to me.

Serious ARGH!!

Today has been all about being grateful and proud and happy and all that good good. Even with a flu lingering in the back. Basically today has been great, with great news and those old fears crossed from the list.

And what is happening now, or the past couple of hours… I’m in this panicky anxious doubt mode. Like that makes any sense! None whatsoever! But still it’s here.

And yes, it’s here because things are actually been good and there’s great things in my life at the moment. But for some reason the way my head works, the remains of the old me, is that when things are good and I should be overjoyed about life, I start doubting everything.

The past few days have been just about taking those steps forward, stepping over those old fears and doubts. Applying for that job that would be such a dream, getting your piece published in a great magazine, moving forward with things that I have been planning and dreaming about. So what do I do then, panic. Because that almost makes sense.

I’m pretty shitty at giving myself credit for the fact that I’m moving countries soon again, not moving to a new apartment in the familiar place I’ve been living for some time, no, actually moving to another country, again.

To be honest, I’m scared shitless. Like really scared.

What if this all won’t work this time either? What if I believe in things that just aren’t meant to be?

Since the Ultra, I’ve been so open, like an open wound. Promised to myself that this is the way I want to live my life, be true and real with all my fears and feelings. All the good and bad. And for the first time, I’ve actually done that, not just mean to do. But that also means that if I felt all things before big, now I am in some wow level. And the funny thing is that most of the time I’m really calm and don’t feel at all that I need to go to this old panic mode, but today it caught me totally off guard. It’s the what if’s.

I really feel like I started a new book, empty and clean, when I finished that Ultra, but this all is so unknown and scary. And there comes moments when I feel so damn lonely. They are small moments of fear. It’s that huge hole of anxiousness inside of me, that is only the old me trying to get the better of me. And I just have to fight this through and show again to myself that I’m not that anymore. And it’s not like I’ll always have good days all the way, with no dips. That would be terrible.

I feel like I’m this raw thing now, with only one way to do things, the way that scares me but makes me push on anyways. I hate that notion, that I can’t give up anymore. Like it would be so easy, hah, that would actually be the hardest thing. To give up when you know that you’re not that person anymore.

I know that I have to let myself feel this all, but this shit is so uncomfortable, it almost makes you itch. And with a tiny hint of flu, I can’t just go and run this out. I actually have to just deal with it and feel all of it. Which I should be good at, feeling all of the feelings, because I’ve always done that to the max. But I also have to remind myself that this is a thing I can’t control, sometimes I just have to let go and feel it all.

I’ve been listening a lot of Mikky Ekko the past couple of days, he has this song on his new album called “Watch Me Rise”. And it was this powersong today for me, like really, almost sing out loud outside while walking home from the train kind of song. And now, after getting some good old tough love from a dear friend, I was listening to it again, and it really reminded me of where I am now in my life.

There’s this part in the lyrics that really hit me hard now…

“Now paranoia’s setting in and I’m falling from these stars again
While every part of me screams, “hold on”
Cause if you can’t learn to bend then you break
Oh my God, how long does it take?
Every lesson we learned took so long
But it made us strong”

This all that I’m going through in my life at the moment, is not supposed to be that easy. I am doing really big things to change my life better, which can be terrifying at times. But it will be worth it, that’s what I need to keep saying to myself as long I believe it again. And remind myself of all the things that’s already happened and actually today! TODAY!

So note to self, feel it all, let yourself be scared but don’t let it take over the whole situation. If this all would be easy, everybody would move countries all the time and followed their dreams like nothing. These are big things, give yourself some bloody credit for this all, at least sometimes! You are amazing, strong and courageous! So keep doing what you’ve done, because it’s working! So hold on and love with all you are, like you have! ❤

PMA ❤

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Today happened something that made me feel like I’ve dropped of the edge of the world. Pure panic and “what will I do now” came flushing over me like a tidal wave.

In the morning I decided to put my apps on my phone to the newest versions and bought some songs from Itunes and after that all of sudden I decided to upload the new software, knowing that I should save all the things from my phone that I don’t want to loose on my computer. Did I do that, no. I just put the thing in motion and ended up with a dead phone, because of some error…

So… pure panic, phone calls (I have another phone, because the phone that I use most is Sim locked and I only use it basically as a computer) to my bf, few curse words and then just a moment of shitshitshit.

It took me about 20min before I realized that this is one of the best things that happened to me in a while!! Yeah, the first things that came to my mind was that, damn all of my almost 2000 photos are gone. And then the next thing was that shit, I can’t get my km from my running because of my running app and after that it was the panic of loosing all the music. And Instagram, I love me some Instagram!!

Something has definitely changed in me, if I’m able to calm down and see some positive in this. I want to be sure that I use only Me/My/I version in this text, because what ever someone else feels or does in this situation is their thing and because I can’t get away from my stupidity and what ever is coming. This is who I am, what I’m sadly addicted and what I do, not we.

I am more addicted to my Iphone than I thought. Few years ago I didn’t even wanted a smartphone because I hated how people are with them. Then because of some bullshit reason I got one, and there went me too.
I am exactly like “those” people, always staring at my phone, like the real world is passing me by if I don’t know all the time what has happened. Which we all know is pure shit, nothing is passing us by while we don’t check our phones. I even bitch to my bf that he shouldn’t do it but of course I do it… Any ridiculous double standard there?!

I think I knew those few years ago that I will be like the people I don’t like with their phones but it’s easier to cave in in these things. Technology makes some things easier and can help us in many ways. I come from Finland which is in many ways a lot in head of things that many other countries, for example where I live now, Germany. There are things that I find really old fashioned and made hard, just because I’m used to something else.

I think I’m full of double standard too when it comes to these things. I like to think that I’m not like all others, I don’t like to keep my phone voice on, I never would speak in a public transportation, not really like to do it otherwise publicly because I don’t think my business is others at all. I like actually to have real human contact not only through some service, which is really funny to say because most of my closest or the most important friends to me are only available to me through some media service, because I live in another country than they. So I have gained some amazing contacts through some media services, but it has also taken me further of those real contacts.

In my journey to a better me, one thing has been the ability to calm down and enjoy simple and little things. I know that I have gotten better at it, but today I got good lesson in it with this phone thing. After realizing that there is nothing I can do and that I just have to wait for my bf to come home and try to fix it ( thank you for those skills), and that I also just have to go on with my life, I decided to go out for a long walk with my dog. Amazing idea which ended up me wanting to write about these feelings and thoughts that this subject brought up with me.

I always have my headphones on when I step out of the door, always! When I’m walking, running, riding my bike, walking with the dog, always. Know that I’m writing it here, it sounds so ridiculous. I don’t have them on if I’m with another person, that is little bit too much, but I have this need of being able to me on my own world and not hear what happens around me. Why?

Mostly because I don’t need to hear what other people do or talk, most of it is just things that I would never want to know. I love to listen to music, but is that good enough reason to not be open to what is going around me? I don’t think so.

One thing that came to my mind on my walk today without anything holding my senses, was that I am really vocal person. I talk a lot, since I was small. I’m able to say how I feel and those things are easy for me, I have loud voice and when I get excited it’s even louder. But there is this other side in me, which loves to stay quiet.

Other thing that I was thinking was that I am always in this mental hurry, because I’m used to everything being available, something happening all the time, something to look all the time, something different all the time to wire your brain. Not basically letting it rest and enjoy for any second.

How awesome was it to hear all the tiny and loud noises outside in the woods! Yesterday I said to my bf that I have to be able to conquer my fear of darkness and forrest together if I want to run an Ultra Marathon. But why am I so afraid of letting all those things come to me in their real way? It’s good for your soul to hear wind, water in rivers, dogs, birds, what ever. It’s good for the soul!

But why am I in a hurry all the time. Why do I need to know something all the time. Why I need to maybe share something? Why?

If I’m able to enjoy many things and have that smile on my face with music, could it be even better without? Probably…

I used to read a lot more than I do now, I have no idea really why I don’t read as much now, but I should. I love the way you get lost in a book. How you can learn something new with the real experience, not through internet. I love the smell of books. I would never want to read a book from some tablet. NO.

That is one thing I want to challenge myself to do more. There are many books that I really want to read, so let’s go!

If and when my phone starts to work again and when I can go back to my beloved Instagram, my life will go on, but I don’t want it to be the same. This is a time for me to learn something new and challenge myself. I want to try to use that device less, maybe try to have just some time in a day that I’m allowed to do it, because I will survive without it easily. Run without music and get to know the sounds and everything that is around me in a forrest, road, where ever I’m running. Just hear the world and be calmer. There are times when I can put those headphones on and listen my favorite music, but I don’t have to do it all the time. I don’t need to push all humane things as far as I can and live my life in a bubble, because that happens to us when we always have some kind of block around us.

I just want to learn something from this, not just go back to that same old ways. I don’t need to be like everyone else, while I can still have some of those things, and put photos on Instagram if I want to or write to my abroad living friends. That’s okay, but not all the time and they will be there few hours later or few days or weeks, and still I’m able to live my life.

More real, less blocking!

If I have wanted to live by the motto of “less is more”, then I have to do it every way, not just on those things I feel nicest. If I’m able to live with small amount of stuff, I’m able to live with small amount of time with my phone, that’s for sure.

More running, yoga, pilates, love, dog, friends, experiences. More real!

There’s really good video about this, and it has a good point, I could relate, even before my phone broke down ;).