When Passion Turns Into Doubts And Fear

wp-1476214605352.pngI feel little nervous even writing now, it feels that it’s so long since I last wrote a piece that felt something and made me fear to get it out a bit. Usually those are the ones that give the most after they are done.

I’m on the verge of recovering myself again, once again. The me I’ve been last year or the two years ago is so far from the me I am now. And the me I am now, I’m not even sure who that is, I am am very much in the search of that Me.

This year has completely thrown me on a spin of feelings that I did not expect and got very off guard because of them and how they truly made me feel. The things that were my biggest passions have dwindled into things that I feel no interest in doing and am really pushing to being interest again, as I know in the deepest place in me that they do bring me joy and support in a way that not others can.

When I started this blog, I remember how the words just flew off from my fingers and writing was really easy, not grammatically good but I got the feelings out and felt always better after. Probably because I never thought that no one is actually really reading what I wrote so there was no pressure in what I did, I just let all it out. This whole year has been a low key on this blog, I’ve felt strongly that I don’t really have anything to say worth writing about, which might have made me feel even more confused with all. As I haven’t written about them to anywhere else either. I’ve also felt this massive pressure to write anything at all, there’s so many amazing blogs around and I’ve just felt that what do I have to say that someone actually would like to read, do I really have something to say?!

It’s been the same with my running, or more like the lack of it, or with any physical activity in my life this year. No interest what so ever, which has been so tiring and weird but a relief too. Two years ago I did nothing else than run, I ran to heal myself from the pain of loosing my Grandma, from the end of a long and meaningful relationship, the changes I had in my life, from the confusion of it all. I ran to feel better, I ran from it, I ran to it, I just ran. And I’ve felt many times that I just ran out of that course in my life, I didn’t have anymore running or anything else in my life. And I felt and have still felt really guilty of that feeling, or not having any interest in doing anything, while so many know me through my running and now I am nothing, in a way, or at least I am not doing anything in that way.

This year has just flew past, it doesn’t feel real, so much has happened and still it feels like no time has gone by. That’s what’s scaring me so much, the realization of how fast time moves on without no care about if we have done anything with it, good or bad, to others or ourselves. And in this world we live in, it feels so often than if you don’t do do do and do something all the time, you are nothing at all. If you don’t have something to show for every damn thing all the time, you basically don’t even exist.

I’ve gotten so tired of that all, the last couple of months I’ve noticed how I have no tolerance for extra pressure if it’s not necessary, and I know now that I have no need to let it in my life, I have the keys to make those lines that others and also myself aren’t allowed to cross. And I do not need to feel bad about taking care of myself like that.

There’s this massive trend of being more all the time, faster, anyfucking thing, just as long as you do it a lot and show it to the world in some way in your media outlets. It gets tiring and has no effect at some point. I feel like I’ve been on both sides of that, and now I notice more often than not that I just don’t feel anything when I see someone posting a positive this or that or how much and fast they’ve been running, it’s just noise to me. And I feel in a way guilty of even letting myself be this honest about it. But I’ve felt that less is more can be so many things, we don’t have to post every aspect of our lives for them to be real, to us, who they should mean the most. The quality of our own lives doesn’t feel as high as it should, we put it out there like it does but does it to us all when we behave like that or do we just grave for the attention to validate our own being through likes?

And there’s this flipside of starting to feel bitter and jealous of it all. You’re surrounded by it all, it comes from every aspect of your life, not only social media and then it starts to feel like it’s suffocating you whole. And doing anything starts to feel like it’s useless because, why should you you’ll never get “there”.

It’s really hard to stay relevant even to yourself when you really don’t do a thing to make the situation better or different, but that’s the thing the pressure to do anything starts to be so massive that it’s easier to be bitter than try. Especially if you’ve had a history of failing as a habit or a way of life, because of those self doubts, those insecurities. What all that drifting further and further from that “Do” Me does is, it fills you with doubts on top of doubts, it pushes you further away from the you, you were before it all landed on you like a thick blanket without you realizing. Climbing back up from there is insanely hard work, especially when you clearly are not who you were but not 100% sure who you are or want to be now. There’s a certain pressure in “getting back up” once you’ve already done it before, whether it is writing or running or whatever. It almost gets harder and not easier, because of the fact that you’ve done it before and it also can make you feel extra insecure, because the biggest step in your way is YOU!

I have too many years in me of getting used to failure and not believing in any way or form that I do deserve the good in life, that it’s really easy to fall on that side of thoughts than remember that positive push you also have in you. But it is like anything else in life, if you don’t practice it enough and make it a habit you forget it and it becomes hard again.

I’ve had to find ways again now to start feeling better, it’s been a long road to recovery in many ways this year. I haven’t wanted to slow down because deep down I knew that when I do, all that I had dusted away will pop up. But I never knew how much will come and to what level I need to dig to start the healing once again. I really needed to slow down to a full stop to see how broken I was. I needed to let myself fall down to see if I still have the fight in me.

After almost a month of morning meditation, which isn’t the easiest thing but I’m really feeling the benefits, and reading actual books a lot, I’m starting to feel like I might have a idea who I am and who I want to be. And there’s nothing wrong that that is nothing who I have been, that’s only a good thing. I am not who I was, I am who I am now. And honestly I am scared shitless. I have no idea what to do, but I know I have to try, even when that is the one thing I wish I could just jump over or crawl under. To behave like I have done and be miserable when it didn’t work like it never did. I don’t know if anyone reads this blog, or if anyone wants to run in my running crew, but those are still two things that seem to make me feel better, so I choose to keep trying.

My insecurities, depression and doubts will always take over me, when I am weaker, but maybe that’s not so bad. I read in one book this thing that said around like this ” our depression often comes to our lives when we need to slow down and stop to evaluate our situation”. I had it bookmarked because it really resonated with me. Maybe depression isn’t only a bad thing, for me it has made me who I am now. Not with the easiest roads but still. So without the struggle who would I be, I have no interest knowing.

Being alone and really slowing down is one of the best things I know. It charges my batteries, and sometimes that takes a lot longer than before but it’s so necessary in this “ON” world of ours. And we don’t need to be able to do and be like everyone else, if someone hustles all the time, let them. But you don’t have to or need to, to be where you feel the best. That is something I need to tell myself quite often, but I’m only a human. And that’s okay.

And here it is, a piece that I just wrote, didn’t think just wrote and didn’t even proofread…

PMA ❤

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Interview : Siv Knudsen

Photo Matti Ollila

Photo Matti Ollila

Let me introduce you to SIV KNUDSEN

There’s people who are able to inspire you from afar, my friend Siv is one of those people. I love how she’s stayed very true to herself and the things she loves all these years, something not all of us can do. In my books she is insane amazing and I really wanted to introduce her to you all too. She’s about as passionate about snowboarding as you can be, with all the tenacity that comes with the sport that can break you at times, but always bringing you back up on the board. Siv is one of the founders of Piruliina, group of amazing ladies who pretty much rocks and know how to ride their snowboards. She’s an ambassador for POW – Protect Our Winters , an organisation that through snowsports keep us informed and updated about the importance of climate change and how we can do our part in saving our winters and the world too.

who are you, where you come from, what do you do? tell a little about yourself

I’m Siv and I’m 29yrs old. I’m from Norway but nowadays I live in one of my favourite cities Helsinki, and
I pretty much live for snowboarding.

what does snowboarding mean to you, why did you start it?
I guess it’s the basic story: as a kid I saw some guys snowboarding and it seemed sooo cooool that you just had to try it out. And now 16yrs later I couldn’t be more happy about that decision! Snowboarding has given me so much during my life. It’s just this great passion that kind of controls your whole life on in a positive way.

what made you start Piruliina, and what is it about?

We were riding together with a group of girls and decided to start filming so we needed to come up with a name. The name Piruliina actually comes from spirulina. For us it’s all about doing what we love, it’s about friendship, wellbeing and especially having fun!pannuValk

 

where do you see yourself and Piruliina in 5 years?

I have no idea even where I will be next month. I’m trying to live my life that way that I can enjoy the moment and don’t plan things too much ahead.

what are your future goals with sports?

To keep doing what I love and feeling good about it. Of course I’m hoping to keep progressing but the main thing is to keep the good vibes on.

Photo by Harri Tarvainen

Photo by Harri Tarvainen

what are your favourite ways to stay active?

Eat good, sleep good and do what I love. That keeps me active, though nowadays you don’t get away with those things you used to younger.. so yoga is one way to cope with all those bails you get from riding.

what does health mean to you?

Health is something I am really grateful of. It’s not something you should take for granted. With our own lifestyle choices you can do a lot. I love to eat healthy and cherish my health because it makes me feel good.

three things you could not live without?

Good food, water and sleep haha.

how do you get inspired? what keeps your fire burning?

All the good vibes I get from my friends, snowboarding/other sports and music keeps me going. I love the feeling when you feel good and get some adrenaline. Of course there’s some bad days in between but that’s life, you need to eat some shit every now and then to really appreciate the good stuff again.

what would you tell to your teenage self?

What’s done is done, worrying wont get you anywhere.

social media
instagram @knudsensiv

a big thank you Mirka, keep the good work up ❤ and to this, thank you Siv for sharing a bit of you with me ❤ !

You can go and vote for Siv in Spine Magazines Awards, she’s nominated for Suomi/Finnish PRO and her crew Piruliina is there too, go and vote!! Here’s the link

Here’s an amazing new video from the ladies of Piruliina!!