Changes, Changes…

wp-1468266718517.jpgChanges, changes… This summer has been basically only about that for me. So much in such a short amount of time, like always it seems. Makes me smile because every time I write those words I remember that it’s been almost like a theme of my whole life. While I feel that I’m stuck, so much tends to happen without me realizing, though this time it has been so obvious that it’s been very hard to miss.

So my wrist and hip are recovering well from the operation and in couple of days I know what the situation is under the skin, as I have an x-ray and appointment with my surgeon, fingers crossed for good news and cast free life!

But the biggest change that happened just a little while ago is that I HAVE A HOME!! Just when I was almost given up on my faith of actually finding a home and being in a situation where I’ve wanted to be such a looooong time, it happened, it is a reality now. I am typing this post in my home, my place where I can breathe and be me, fully. I feel like I still haven’t truly understood this all, I’ve lived here now for a week and even though this instantly felt like I’m in the right place, it’s like a dream of sorts. But slow and steady I’m getting there. In a way it’s not a surprise that it’s taking some time, as it’s been over 5 years, almost 6 that I’ve dreamed of an own home, a place that has my name on the door. And now I do! 🙂wp-image-1332324395jpg.jpg

It has felt so damn good to just be, without doing anything, or just reading a book or watch a movie or cook in an really nice kitchen. I love this home of mine in the countryside!

Last Wednesday it was the first month anniversary of Karma Runners, a run crew I started here in Helsinki. And it’s been so amazing to see how people have taken it and came back for the runs and just I feel so grateful to have the support I have from my friends and especially Pihasali Joogastudio and Hello Darling Eatery, as they are our crews supporting companys. Thank you ❤ Also, go give us a follow on Instagram @karmarunners to keep posted and come for a run!!

It’s been long damn time since I wrote the last time, but honestly I’ve had to take that time for myself. Sometimes little break is exactly what you need. I promise to be more active from now on, as I’ve actually missed writing and want to keep this thing alive.

I feel like I don’t even have all the words to explain all of this, but in a month has happened so much that I feel all confused, in the best possible way.

One step at a time, on wards.

BREATHE. BE BRAVE. LOVE. PMA. ❤

So many changes needed a change of looks too! Here's my beautiful hairdresser Annika Tukiainen at her salon Beauty By Valo

So many changes needed a change of looks too! Here’s my beautiful hairdresser Annika Tukiainen at her salon Beauty By Valo

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Less Is More, Once Again…

“Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.”

– Louis C.K.

I’ve definitely felt a bit unsure and lost lately with myself. There was a moment of time when I just couldn’t point to what it was that was making me feel like that. And then it hit me, there’s been way too much stuff going on and I haven’t truly respected my sensitive and introverted side.

So without really thinking that this is what I need to do, this weekend I just spend time with myself, doing things that make me feel good and more at peace.

The fact that this world moves so fast and you feel a lot of times that you have to be ON all the time, can feel suffocating and so tiring. Especially if you’ve gone through something big in a span of really little time. Like I did just a week ago. For a while I’ve felt like I need to calm certain parts of my life to be able to be good at what I do and want to do. But I felt lost at how to do that simple thing.

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by Nayyirah Waheed

Yesterday evening it hit me, with the most peaceful way possible. I was doing something that I’ve wanted to do so many times, but just have pushed away. I cleaned my phones photos of all that is ready to be deleted. Over 500 photos. While I was doing that, I wrote down on my notebook those quotes and poems and whatever I had screenshots of. When I was writing them down, I noticed how much I’ve changed in the span of the time I’ve saved them on my phone. It was exhilarating writing certain ones down and just deleting some with the notion that that is not me anymore. Same went with certain photos. It was good to go through them and in a way let go of those things that needed just that.

But what was even more important to notice was that I needed to be on my own and have no distractions around me except the ones I’ve chosen to have. Listening to my favorite music, vibing at times to it. Writing my own things down. Having that quality time with yourself when you truly are enjoying your own company.

I also realized that the fact that I wasn’t doing really anything on my computer was a big part of that peaceful feeling in me. Earlier during the day I had read multiple articles that I’d saved and at times wondered if I ever get around to really read them, now I did. And not doing anything else than that was freeing. I needed that small detox from the super fast paced world that makes us believe that we need to be there and ON all the time. It’s super hard to move on and find who you are when you are bombarded with information all the time. It’s easy to get lost in that all. I certainly did. It’s like you need to be hungry to all of it all the time to be able to be productive, but what it’s really doing is eating your interest in anything properly.

I’ve been really yearning for my old want to write and get things out of my chest in that way, I’ve missed my peace. I’ve felt lazy and super unproductive. And what that week alone in Stockholm woke in me, was that I need that alone time with nothing distracting me. Which is hard to do as I’m still so much of a creature of certain habits. I check my Instagram very often and when I don’t I feel all confused and like I’ve missed so much, when all I am is tired of scrolling through something that I’ve been able to live without while they’ve been posted. Life goes on without me being ON. Which can be scary but at the same time it’s so freeing. But this weekend I had almost like a mini detox from it all. I also had the courage to say to two of my friends I had plans with that, I’m sorry but I need to be on my own now. Something that felt a bit hard to say because I didn’t want to let them or our plans down but knew that I just wouldn’t be good company now if I won’t be on my own enough. Thankfully they understood.

I’ve been thinking a lot of how I am able to be both of “me” at the same time, how am I able to bring together those different sides of me that I’m not always sure how to even be. But feel that I am both without the need to compromise. That’s a thing I have almost like a goal for this year to figure out and get to know myself in that way that I am able to “jump” from one to another without confusion and a feeling that it’s wrong.

It’s easy for me to feel that I need to compromise with them, not being brave enough to be both at the same time. So it’s a learning process. Just like it’s a learning process for me to take my own time without feeling guilty about it.

When you get to know yourself better and better, you stumble across these moments when you realize that you need some planning on how to live your life to be able to live it the way you feel the right for you. And I’ve never been big on planning and now I almost crave some guidance in how I can plan my time better to get those moments of nothing for myself too. Not doing anything moments, without feeling guilty about them.

There’s something really sacred in those moments. Whether you spend them just being, or reading those articles you’ve saved, or that book you’ve decided you read this month, or listening to music, or going for a run. But without them I would be useless in other moments when I need to be able to productive and able to do what I need to do. I am learning, the hard way, how that all works. Slow and steady but getting closer to what works with me the best.

Whether it means that I spend less time on my computer or plan my days better or clear the clutter on my surroundings and while doing that feel clearer in my head, I need to do it. I want to be productive at work without any extra clutter messing my head, and then I want to be able to not be tired afterwards because of the pure amount of stimulus coming from all over the place. I want to be able to be with my friends and not have to cancel plans because I haven’t been on my own enough. Balance is the key and I am in serious need of learning that once more.

Here’s to mistakes and learning from them. Realizing that you’re only a human and that’s okay. ❤

“The biggest lesson I’ve learned is it’s okay. It’s okay for me to be kind to myself. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to get mad. It’s okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to move on.”

– Hayley Williams

PMA ❤

Love Is Strange, But Oh So Good If You Let It!

IMG_8250Yeah, it is! It makes us go all weird and makes us say things that we might not say or do things that are just ridiculous. But what if there’s love that is just calm and good?

This post is not only about love, don’t worry, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it the last year, how it is part of us since we are born. It’s with us in our everyday life, in so many different ways. When we smile at some little kid, it’s shining out of us. When we are happy, it’s there. When we are sad, it really is there. When we hug a friend, it’s there. When we kiss that special one, it’s there. When we hear the voice of someone we care about, it’s there. When we see the face and smile from afar that we like, it’s there. It’s never not there.

My idea of love has changed a lot the past couple of years. I remember there was a time when I was thinking that I have no idea what it means, and before I do know, I don’t want to say it. Just because I’m supposed to in certain situations. But I’m also in a place in my life where I know that I rather say it when I mean it than leave it unsaid.

“The trouble is that you think you have time.” – Buddha

I think the way I feel about love changed while I’ve changed. It changed and got new dimensions when I lost my Grandma last September. Loosing someone that close and one who has taught you how to love in her own way, it changes you. It makes you think about your future relationships differently, as you’ve seen your grandparents living their lives together your whole life. I never thought about them like that before, I always loved certain things they did or how they behaved around each other. But when the other isn’t there anymore, it’s the time when you start thinking about those moments that were normal before. It also makes you finally understand that we don’t have limitless time on this planet. And not taking a risk with someone all of sudden doesn’t make any sense…

We’ve all had relationships that have taught us something, no matter how good or bad they’ve been, they always teach something. When I was insecure and didn’t love myself too much, I ended up in relationships where I knew from the start that this is not going to be a good thing, but I just stayed and ended up being hurt. I wasn’t always the good one, none like the other was always. There’s always two in a relationship. But I wasn’t there in a way I hope to be able to be now. I said things that weren’t really 100% me, because I really had no idea who I was and what I wanted. I sucked so much stuff that hurt me and really scarred me for a long time, something we should never do. Like a friend of mine said couple of weeks ago, “life’s too short to be unhappy”. It really is. But we rather stay stuck in a situation that just isn’t going anywhere because we are afraid of the what if. I’ve been there, so many times, been so afraid to be happy that I’ve rather stayed in that unhappy place because it was familiar. While I’ve been wondering why can’t I just be happy?

I’ve also always been a believer in love. I’ve wanted to believe that it’s not supposed to be too hard. Real, yes. But not make life harder. Challenging at times, yes, but always because both are willing to take that challenge. Not challenging the other to a limit where they feel completely empty and like the life has been sucked out.

I don’t regret any of my relationships, just like I don’t regret my mistakes and choices that I’ve made in life. Each and every one of those have taught me something, and all those together are the reason who I am now. So I can only be thankful for them. Maybe I needed to hit my head to the wall that many times to believe that that’s not what’s good for me. Maybe I needed to suffer in a way, to see what happiness really is. Maybe I needed to feel as bad as I did to see how amazing I am and how much I have to give.

I feel a lot of the time these days, especially in my age people, that we tend to make our lives a lot harder than they need to be. We over analyze everything, overthink our every move to a point where we don’t know what we wanted in the beginning. We are in such a hurry with our lives that we forget to actually live them and enjoy the ride.

I’ve definitely been one of those people, and still have moments when I do that, but I’ve learned to recognize them and ask myself what’s really going on. Is all of that necessary?

I read from somewhere that the person who is our soulmate or the one, should make you feel calm, not nervous. I started thinking about it, and it makes so much sense. Butterflies in belly are a great thing because they make us remember and feel all that we feel, but when it’s nerves and anxiety, it’s not good. That’s what I want to be able to give, peace and calm to my relationship. And I hope to feel that too. I want to be able to be quiet without anything being wrong. Just being able to be next to someone so comfortable that it’s easy to be quiet. In the end the person I want to spend my life, should make me feel like I’m safe and if I feel really nervous about something, I know that they will calm me down and have my back.

We want to be so much in control these days that we forget that we can’t make things like we want always, something we just need to let go and see what happens. Trust the unknown, with all it’s terrifying openness. That unknown has been the best place for me the last year. Every time I’ve let go, I’ve gotten so much good, so much love. It doesn’t get any less scary, but I’ve started to trust it. I can’t control what happens all the time, I just need to let it happen. Once I let go of the panic control, I started seeing my whole life in a new way, and so many doors started opening to me. It’s not easy, if it would be we would all be super happy and content with our lives all the time. But I rather try than be scared and think of the what if’s.

“The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.”

The idea we have these days about a perfect relationship is so far from reality, that it’s impossible to actually make it work, at least the way we want it to. We want to change the person we fall for, not take them as they really are, with their scars and past. But why we want to be with someone if we want to change them straight away? Isn’t all that they have gone through in their lives, exactly what’s made them who they are now, just like us? That’s supposed to be the thing that we get interested in, those things that have molded that person to who they are when we meet them.

I’ve been one of those whose either thought that I can “help” someone away from their problems, or just wanted to change them in to something else, more suitable for me and where I have been in my life. I don’t think that’s something that any of us want to admit, but why not. I know that I have and that I don’t anymore. That is the great thing about admitting your past and being okay with it. I was probably trying to change them because I was insecure and thought that if the other one would be like this or that, then my problems wouldn’t feel that big.

After my little over 31 years here, some relationships later. After huge change in myself and really being honest with who I am and what I actually want, I’ve noticed that the things that are important to me in a relationship are really simple, but at times the hardest to do.

Trust is love to me. I’ve gone through lack of trust for the biggest part of my life, which made me really suspicious in my relationships. It’s hard to trust or be trustworthy if you’ve felt that the promises aren’t kept that are shaping you as you grow up. But once I gave up the past, once I let go of the hurt that it had done and said it out loud, I was actually trusting for the first time in my life. I trusted myself to be truthful to myself, which ends up me being that to others too. I don’t need to hide myself anymore.

I want a relationship where I can be genuinely me, with my good and bad, my ups and downs, my from zero to hundred moments, my joy and laughter. It’s hard to find that, but I’ve gotten a glimpse of how it can feel and while it’s a bit scary, it feels so good. Not to be nervous about saying the things you have inside of you, or being all stupid in front of the person. We need to start being more stupid and remember to really have fun and do somersaults when we feel like it, you can never be too old for that. We need more laughter in our lives.

I want my love to be pure in a way that it’s effortless for me to give, something I don’t even think. I don’t need to love so that I can get love back, that’s wrong way to do it. It has to be something that comes from you without you thinking what you can gain from it. That’s not love, that’s business. Most of the time, we don’t “get” anything back when we love. You don’t always get a smile back when you smile to someone on the street, but that’s totally okay.

I wish that the person I spend my life with and love, is my best friend. The friend that I can truly talk about my fears, my dreams and goals, the one who supports me even when they don’t understand. I firmly believe that it’s really important to be able to say whatever to your person, without the fear of what will they say. Because if you’ve been true and honest in what you want and feel, the other person knows what makes you happy, maybe sometimes before you do. They are there for you, especially in those scary moments. They are able to put themselves in the back for some time to be there for you.

Honesty and trust are huge to me. I’ve gone through journey of lies in it and when I got rid of that me, I haven’t looked back. If you can’t be honest, then there’s a problem. You can’t trust if you’re not honest, I think it’s that simple.

Sometimes we need to shatter to millions of pieces to really reveal who we are and what we want. It’s one of the scariest things in life, but so rewarding. Once you start climbing your way back up from that, you learn all you have in you.

Sometimes we meet someone who comes to our life in the weirdest time, but they change all in a second and all that was there before starts feeling like it’s not right anymore. Letting go of the old and familiar is the scariest part. There’s no guaranty on the other side, other than the trust and feeling that this feels better than what I had before. If that person makes you feel calm and don’t give up with the first pump on the road, I believe they are there for real. If they are able to take those moments when you break down, and don’t go into it with you but are there for you to be in panic, cry, yell, whatever and still after that will hug you and be there for you, then keep those close. They are ready to be in it for real. They don’t get scared of those moments.

“Throughout this life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You could talk to them for hours and never get bored. You could tell them anything and they would never judge you. This person is your soul mate, your best friend. Don’t ever let them go.” – Unknown 

I think the person whose meant to be with you, is someone who challenges you. In a way that makes you feel like I have more in me that I thought. That love is raw, real, honest and warm. It doesn’t always say what you want to hear but what you need to hear. But in the end you know that they do and say those things because they care. That kind of love isn’t supposed to be all perfect with no arguments, of course there’s those, it’s part of life. But you both know that it’s part of the journey. Past needs to be in the past, not brought to present as a mean way of fighting. We all have a past, but it’s called past for a reason. To use it as a weapon is the lowest way of fighting. There’s no trust in that.

I want to be able to talk with my person about future without fear. I want to say that I would love to have kids and maybe live on the countryside one day. I want to be able to talk about future in a way that makes me and them think about it together, as a unit or a team. Are our dreams, wishes or hopes similar?

But there also have to be patience in love. You can’t just rush through something, even when it’s good. Something I’m learning everyday. Patience is not easy, but it’s key to really knowing what is good for you. In my “past” life, I was always in a hurry. I wanted everything to happen straight away, not tomorrow, now. But now, I am in no hurry to rush love anywhere, I want to actually learn what it is and could be. I want to learn who the person is and what they want. I want to be able to be friends and grow from there. It’s not the easiest as I’ve always done it the other way round, or in a hurry. But I really want to “do things differently”.

“Friendship into love takes growing. Knowing is to love.” – Mikky Ekko – U

And at my age, you also feel secure in yourself enough to say what you want. If you don’t say what you want, you will never have it. If you are not honest in what is inside of you, then don’t be surprise if the other one doesn’t know it either. If you don’t show how you feel and put yourself out there, you will never know. I’m too old for some games, the ones that we somehow think it’s okay to play these days, with each others hearts and feelings?

In the end, we all want to the same thing, to love and be loved and share our lives with someone. Why we make that simple pleasure so complicated? Why we give up so easy on the ones that makes us feel the best but challenge us, aren’t those the ones worth keeping? Love is not that hard, if you try to remember how it was when you were a kid. It was as simple as a hug.

Love has to be equal and understanding. You have to be a unit, a team that plays on the same side. I want to forgive, because we’ve all made mistakes. I want to leave the past in the past. What is now matters. I want to be able say what I want in life without thinking “can I?”. I need to be able to be me, in front of the one. I need to be able to take them as they are, with scars, ups and downs. There has to be inside jokes. No compromises in things that matter. If they really care, they don’t want you to compromise, they support.

“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of our time. There are too many mediocre things in life; love shouldn’t be one of them.” – Unknown

Whoever you love, keep your love pure, honest and true. Don’t judge or make it harder than it needs to be, because in the end it’s really simple. Let it fill you with all it’s magic, and let it challenge you. Trust in that jump you need to take when you really love. Trust that gut feeling, it usually knows best. Love because you want to, not because you want something from it. Just love. And say that you love, better to say than keep it as a secret. Love should never be something you need to fight for all the time, it’s just there. And remember that it needs watering, so that it can really blossom. ❤

 

Treat Yo Self With Reality

IMG_8040The post with all the honesty.

For few days, I’ve been really not okay. The old wanted to come to play and mess with my head. The fear of loosing something that has found it’s way to my heart, and possibly break it into million pieces. The fear of failing and not being able to do what I know in my heart to be right. The reality of it all exploding in front of me and me not having anything to stop it.

The level of me being hard on myself is something I wish I could delete completely at times. The amount of strength I expect from myself at times is just mind blowing.

But also the level of not giving myself credit for how strong I am is mind blowing. I’ve always been good at that. I really, really, want to get better at that. And probably am, without realizing it.

Yesterday I let my old ways let my whole being feel like I’m nothing and will ever be. That I’m still the same as before, which is obviously an utter bullshit. And I know that, but I felt just weak and shitty and heartbroken. So I made myself believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life and that no one wants to be my friend. I made myself feel like shit, because I know too well how that works. It gives you this blanket of comfort and you can just be miserable there alone with self pity on all time high.

And then I got the biggest bitch slap of all time from Universe.

I actually went for a run with other people, and once I saw the pure amount of those people, my breathing just wanted to stop working. I was absolutely terrified. All those feelings of leaving behind and not being able to keep up and by that feeling like I’m nothing and not good enough and just shitty came back.

A hug from a dear friend, made the panic ease up a bit. I realized that there were people I know and who were happy to see me. There was bitch slap number 1. And there was quite a few coming…

All of sudden I wasn’t afraid. I forgot to be afraid. I almost felt excited. I felt happy to have few friends to call my anchors. I found a place next to them when we started running. And I felt so strong! I wasn’t the slowest one who was leaving behind. I wasn’t that one! Bitch slap number 2.

I was running and staring at this guys legs while they stepped on the ground and followed the pace of them, noticed that it matched mine. I felt strong and like I have this all warrior me back in me. I’m not going to give up this easy.

And I remember thinking if I’m being selfish for moving forward in the group of runners or should I stay with my friends, like they have with me before. And on one point I did wait for a friend, because he’s been there for me. Even though he said that just go, I just said to him that I’m not going to leave you. And really realized that that’s me. But I am also allowed to be selfish and move forward, just like he said. Bitch slap number 3. So I ran faster, the pace my legs wanted to go and was with the first ones in the group and felt so comfortable. I was able to do something I’ve only almost done in my sleep. Feel that strong.

Give yourself a break, something I’ve heard a lot these past days from my closest people.

To understand how much have happened in the time I’ve been in Copenhagen, will probably take a lot of time. When you’re in it all, it’s really hard to see how much it truly is. Two weeks is nothing, and in my head everything should be done already. And while nothing being done yet, makes me feel like the biggest failure, hearing few nice words about it all from a friend, makes me feel like I still have hope. Which I obviously have, more than I even can understand. I’ve just lost my faith in this all a bit. And that’s normal.

I always go into everything with so much heart that I forgot how I need to say that I need help too. I am so open that if you want to rip my heart to pieces, it’s almost there for you to on a platter. Not that I want anyone to do that, and I’m pretty sure I’m stronger than before to let that happen.

I suck at being mad at people. I’ve been fighting my whole life so hard that at one point I just stopped fighting for useless shit. I was tired of fighting. It felt like a thing that will never take me anywhere other than feeling even worse. So I stopped. But I think I forgot a bit that it’s okay to feel the feeling of being mad at times, if there’s a reason for it. And this morning I all of sudden was so pissed off, for a reason. But it surprised me because it’s so long since I felt like that the last time. In a way it was very welcome, as I don’t want to be one of those that never get mad and then the whole thing would explode or something. Doubt that I would do that as my honesty usually keeps me sane when it comes to that, but still.

So there’s a time to be mad for a reason and that’s completely okay. Do not suck it in!

When I’ve been talking with people and saying that I know that I want to concentrate on myself and not anyone else, I’ve been probably saying that more to myself than what I really felt. That’s okay too. Being fucking terrified of life in general, is okay. It really is terrifying at times, have you ever jumped and followed your heart… Shit!

The days here that I’ve decided to do something and then done nothing but been exhausted, I forgive myself and don’t need to feel like shit. I don’t have to always be able to push through.

The days when a friend don’t understand that I really need them, it’s okay too. Even though it’s crazy hard for me to ask for help and it’s a big deal for me to do it, still it’s okay. We all have our own lives to live and sometimes we say things that might not be true to avoid situations or to say that I can’t right now. But I have more friends than only one these days, which I have to remind myself of at times. I am that lucky now! How crazy is that?!

To be honest I have no idea how I keep going at times, I just can’t give up anymore. I have no idea why and how I love as much as I do, I just don’t know how to close my heart anymore. I don’t have any idea why I understand so much and forgive so easily. Maybe someone did some kind of open heart surgery to me one night and cleaned all the webs and don’ts and old scars, and left it as open it is now. To be just ready for give it all out.

There’s few things in life that I really wish to have. Really simple ones. To be hugged by that one, whose hugs feel like you’re inside of a cloud of safety and peace. To be able to call a place home, with my name on the door. To go on a long walks and just be quiet but so comfortable. Maybe one day see a smile from my own baby, the look I see in my friend and her baby. I’ve finally realized that I want to look down on my body and smile at that huge belly one day. I want to have great conversations with so many different routes in it that you don’t always know how it’s possible to still keep it alive. To laugh so much that tears fall down your cheeks. To always remember that the simple, tiniest things are the biggest. I want kisses to my forehead. I want to dance without care in the world. I want to cry with my whole body, and let it all out. I want to have my own little garden and look at things grow. I want to be that romantic sop that I actually am but never have let out. I want to do things to others that I’ve always thought to be a bit stupid but means so much to me. I want to feel things, to the max and back.  I want to share my life with someone who thinks probably most of the time that how do I love that one so much, she’s crazy, but still the best thing in the world.

We all make our lives at times way harder than they should be. The pressure we feel from outside, the one which has nothing to do with us in reality, makes us make decisions that just aren’t right. I’ve done all of that, more than I wish to count. But I broke away and free from that once again, and I really want to try to keep it in my head that all will be okay. Give yourself a chance to be happy, just happy. And enjoy those moments and hold them closer than anything else. Patience. Love. Understanding. Smiles. Hugs. And a bit more love. That’s all we need.

Give yourself a break. ❤

 

What It Is That I Actually Want In My Life – To Be Happy

IMG_4657I heard this song this morning, that I listened a lot when I was moving to another country the first time, almost three years ago. And I haven’t heard it in almost that time… And now it came and made me cry. It hit so hard and true to what I am going through at the moment in my life.

For the past three something years I’ve been searching, searching myself, what makes me happy, what do I want in my life, what am I about, all that. I feel that I know exactly what it is but haven’t really wanted to admit it to myself. I think it hit me while I was passing these dreamy small houses in my Ultra in Bornholm, I knew that I want to live in a similar one one day. I want to have a home of my own.

In the search of mine, I’ve gone from one end to another, made bold statements of what I want and don’t. Sometimes to my own surprise. Especially lately… For example, I have been feeling that I really don’t think I want kids at all. But a happy coincidence from a dear friend having the coolest wormlike person whose completely stolen my heart and made me think of my bold statement again. Is me not having kids really what I want? I know that I am super scared to have them, or not the having part, the part afterwards. I know, I truly know, that I would be a great Mom. But I am honestly worried if my depression changes my childs life like it did mine. But that is fear, nothing to do with the actual fact of having something growing inside you and you looking at your own in the end, growing and loving.

I think the reason why I haven’t been into having kids lately, of course not having anyone to have them with, has been the blunt reason that I have just started my own life and really started to realize what I want to do. For the first time, so I’ve felt that having a kid would someone ruin that for me.

But back to the small houses in Bornholm. I remember how happy seeing them made me, sounds funny, but I’ve been in this weird space in my life for the last three years and still am, that I haven’t had my own home at all. Not a place to call mine, place that looked like I live there, a place that I would feel completely safe and in peace and comfortable. I’ve had times when I missed having that place so bad, that it made me cry. Then most of the time I’ve just adapt to the situation and go forward and lived my life. But I’m really getting to this mindset after a long long time that I really would love to have my own place. A place to call home. And I know that a home doesn’t always have to be a place, but I think at this time in my life, that is exactly what I want.

I don’t own much, but I would love to be able to have all my books in one place, have my dog in the same place I am, have the few mugs I have in my kitchen, maybe have a some super cosy sofa to lay and read and snuggle. I would love to have my few art pieces on the walls and a place that looks a bit like me. I don’t need or want much, but it would be so lovely to have a place. And I would love to have a place with old wooden floors and old windows that you could sit on the window sealings :). I think the screaky wooden floors take the first place on this competetion haha.

The past week I’ve been in a flu, and of course I’ve had a lot of time to think. I’ve been up and down a lot, but I’ve realized that part of it is the fact that I know exactly what I wish to have in my life at the moment and they aren’t anything crazy.

I would love to have a home, I would love to have a job where I could bring my talent out and be good at what I do and who I am, I would love to have someone special to share my life with, maybe run too, I would love to have some friends to spend my time with, maybe have some lovely nights with food and good wine. I would want to have kids one day, maybe even be married one day. Nothing super crazy, but after being in this nomad life for the past three years, they sound amazing. Solid and comforting. The main point is that I wish to be happy with my life. I really miss having those kinds of “normal” things in my life.

The truth is that I love normality, with a twist :). I love when I kind of know what is happening next, at times I love to plan things. I have gotten so used to having to live a life with a lot of situations changing around me all the time, that I’ve forgotten that I do love to have some certainty too. So I am grateful to have had these past years, yes, but I would love to have some calmness at least on some aspects of my life now.

Obviously I don’t know if I’m going to find them in Copenhagen, which will be my next stop. In a way I would love to stay there for long enough to see if it would be really my place. I have this tiny voice in me yelling that it will. I already know where I would love to live, almost the exact house. There’s the sea, which I love. There’s many many things I absolutely love and feel that I will have a lot more soon. And there’s a spot where me and Ukko used to walk last year when we lived there, and just sit next to the sea and stay in silence. Somehow my lovely dog loves the same things I do. And I have dear people there who I love to have in my life and run with. That’s one huge thing for me, to have people to run with around me, the first time ever I’ve actually wanted that.

So in the end, I don’t miss or want that much in my life. Mainly to be happy, and definitely to share it with someone who loves me and I love. That is a big thing for me. But I’m in no rush, all will come in time.

To be happy. To be loved. Smile. Breath easy. Read books. Eat good food. Get those hugs I miss now when I haven’t gotten them in a long time. Or hugs in general. Having the real life in my life with wooden floors. Tea. Remember to be happy and smile to all those tiniest little things in life. And dance because life is pretty amazing. It makes us cry but it always picks us up too, if we let it. And don’t forget to do those things that make you feel all silly, they make you feel alive in the end. ❤

What I want in my life is what I’ve worked towards without realizing it. I’ve been alone for long enough, so now is time to let people in my life, really let them. Because I do like that. The balance of being alone when needed and being surrounded with love too.

It feels like this weight lifted off my shoulders when I admitted these all to myself. Good that that happened. The pressure of “not knowing” is easier when you give yourself a chance to see what you have in you. Really.

PMA ❤

I need to add the lyrics here, so you maybe understand what in it hit so hard.

“Leave your country
Leave the notes
Of your future and your goals

Leave your language
You once spoke
Leave the soil where you were born

Leave all
Leave the guards
Leave the stone crushed in your heart

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

Left your country
Left your father
Left your sister, left their warmth

Leave all
We know too well
Leave this paradise, caught in hell

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

And I, I ran
And I, I ran”