Guilt Trip Game

received_2290259371213480.jpegWhy do we do it? Is it a mainly female thing or do guys do it too to themselves? Why on earth we guilt trip our minds to the point of it affecting every aspect of our lives? I’m very much confused and tired as hell of this ingrown guilt trip game my head seems to love. Especially if I feel a touch down and out, oh it loves to sink it’s claws on me then, and hard.

But seriously, is this guilt trip thing something us ladies only do. Are guys able to always be confident in themselves and just move a long with their lives? Because sometimes it really feels like it.

I was sick with a weird combination of fever and migraine this past week and in those days when I wasn’t sleeping, I was in my thinking thoughts like I tend to  be quite a bit. But one thing that came back all the time was this guilt of not being enough at work, feeling and knowing I hadn’t done my best. And the worst part of it was and is, that it’s been this on going struggle this Spring. I’ve somehow let my outside work life affect my ability to be my best at my job. It’s annoying on so many levels, but especially as I know how easy it would for me to better my performance. But I’ve been in some stuck, I can’t do shit mode in my head, and I haven’t found a way out of there. And is there anything better than the feeling that you’re failing your own expectations and most likely of your boss. Obviously, as with my personality this could sound like I’m expecting too much of myself, but I can promise you that this time it’s not the case. I’ve just purely been shit.

And with that, you get easily caught up in this self shame and guilt trip cycle, that is definitely not helping. For that I have the best kind of personality. Period.

But in those sick days of mine, I had time to think why I keep doing that to myself. And what it is in the end that let’s me sink in that hole that deep. Point blank it’s my insecurities. My fear of success. Things I wrote about a week ago. But the other side of it is the question of “why still?”. It’s not like I’ve never worked on these issues. It’s not like I don’t know that I’m pretty damn far from who I’ve been in my past. So why on earth it’s so hard for me to let go, truly let go, of the past and move on with my life. Giving myself a chance I truly deserve. Why and what is so scary about it all?

Since I was a kid, I’ve been real good at limiting my happiness. Which sounds really weird for some of you. But I’ve been a deep thinker my whole life, and in a way too comfortable with my darker sides. It has it’s benefits but it also makes me feel certain things in a way that I really wouldn’t need to.

I’ve always chose the harder path on my journey, I could’ve easily, so easily done things that would’ve made this whole thing a bit more of a smooth ride. But nope. And there’s something about the fact that I had to grow up when others were getting to know themselves and figuring out who they are in this world. My learning process got flipped upside down and for way too many years of my life, I was always worried about someone or something. Usually what others thought of this or that about what I would want to do with my life. So most of the things I never did. Point blank.

Now I’m in this weird, very weird, age when you’re supposed to be a grown human, but I feel more child than I ever have before. Even when I actually were a kid, because back then I always felt more grown than my peers. And it’s messing with my head, big time. I feel like the things coming out of my mouth are super childish, the way I behave is too. I’m lost in this place that I don’t know how to navigate. I’ve lost my bearings and I don’t know how to get them back.

And the fact that I’ve always done things a bit harder on myself, does not help. I expect so much of myself, while knowing that they are impossible things to expect. I get so caught up in it all that I feel frozen and end up doing nothing at all. I was thinking my work career in general and how it has been for me. And I found that every time I’ve found something I might like and/or be good at, I dive head first and give my all and above and then after a while, I feel like I’m drowning and my performance is close to pure shit. It feels even worse when you actually really like the field you’re in and your place of work. But this time I know, for a fact, that I haven’t done my best, not even close. And it has been pissing me off big time, and it’s unfortunately been part of this bigger ball of “what the actual fuck are you doing with your life? do you think that giving up is still the option to go for? like could you please get a fucking grip of yourself because you are not doing any favors to anyone, and least yourself?”. Yes, I might be a bit hard on myself at times, but this time I know I have a reason to be. I can and will admit what I have been.

What I could do is to let myself sink in deeper into this hole of self loathing, shame and guilt tripping… But I could also face my own shit and fix it. If my own behavior is pissing ME off, then I’m more than the only one able to fix it. I still remember all too well what my ex said to me, one of the good ones, when I was complaining about something about myself. He said that could you please do something about that issue, or please do not bitch and moan about it all the time. The thing is that it’s not changing by talking about it, but it will if my behavior and work ethic about my whole damn life changes. I’m the only one who can do that. I’m still not able to change the past, but I am able to be better today and tomorrow. First to myself and by that to others. Because if I don’t want to hang with myself, why on earth would anyone else? And I have friends, amazing friends who support and love me no matter what. That’s new to me and it also confuses me. Because my head likes to spin things into “why would they want to be my friends? I don’t deserve that because I fucked up something that one time almost ten years ago, so I never deserve anything good in my life”.

I want to understand why it’s so damn hard for me to give myself the option to just be good. Why me having a life that feels good is so terrifying? Why I let the past have that kind of hold of me?

You know how it’s hard to see the work you’ve done, when you’re the closest to yourself. Well it’s really damn hard to really see how much has changed for the better in the past couple of years in my life. And now something idiotic in me is trying to ruin it all by being a dick, and mostly to others because I’m not being even half of what I could be. I’m not letting myself be what I could be is even closer to it.

I don’t know if my body decided to stop me in my tracks with that migraine/fever mix to finally really see the realities of my current life. I do believe our bodies are a lot smarter than we can ever be, so that might be the case. Because, for gods sake, I really have to stop feeling this damn sorry for myself, it’s just getting very old.  If I want to be better, I actually have to do better which means actual actions, not thoughts or talking about any of it. Because I really should know how talk is pure bullshit if you don’t deliver what you say.

This is a constant journey of working progress. Like my very smart friend reminded me. I know it, but why do I keep forgetting it, still?

Maybe me being open and vulnerable about myself again, is the way for me to keep myself accountable. Maybe I should do what I did before, when I decided and actually did change my life for the better. I’ve done it before, so it’s a bit tired and boring to try to be like I can’t do it now.

I apologize to those who I’ve been a bit a of tired dick to. To those who have been giving me a slack for my shitty work. I really am because if it bothers me this much I know for a fact that there’s a lot of room for improving. And all I can do is to actually improve what I do. I can’t be pissed off to others for their success if I’m not willing to do jackshit about my own. No more hiding. This is it.

I am enough. I deserve the good just like others. It’s okay to be me. And like the beautiful Nayyirah Waheed writes “What about this theory. The fear of not being enough, and the fear of being “too much”. Are exactly the same fear. The fear of being you.”

PMA ❤

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Fear. The Biggest Of Them All.

Fear. The ultimate thing holding us back, or at least me. Fear is something we don’t like to admit feeling, especially as a grown up. But fear is the biggest of them all, after love I guess.

I’m stuck in a fear filled living at the moment in my life. I’ve lost my confidence in a way I had it before, not even that long time ago. It’s only few years. I do get back to that Me at times, that confident me. But then the fear, the gut wrenching fear finds me again and wraps me in like an octopus.

I remember all too well how when I was a child, I didn’t fear that much. I rather drove headfirst to a parked buss with my bike than not, just to feel how it would feel. Not the smartest experiment but still. I did things on my own with no fear, just because I wanted to know and see and feel and taste. I had that fearless me in me for quite a long time, and then all of sudden it got lost.

It got lost in those years when others tried to find themselves but I had to grow up. Sometimes it goes like that and you try to find yourself in your adult years, like I am doing now. I used to jump to unknown a lot, learned maybe too many life lessons, but I still am grateful for all of them. Even the one that made me want to be alone for this long, as I have now, for probably closer to four years. Fear is the reason still, in my bones if nowhere else, why I don’t let people too close.

Fear is also the main reason for me not to give myself a chance to live a life I deserve. I’ve lived so many years, too many years in a constant struggle, with myself or the outside matters of my life that now, when I would and do have a chance to move on from all of those, I am terrified how my life and myself would be.

I’ve worked my ass off, to go through my issues, alone and with my therapist. I know that I have no reason to hold myself back like I am at the moment. Deep down I know that I deserve all the good, but this nagging fear of me not being enough has taken over and I’m not sure how to fight it off.

Or I do, I’ve taken many small steps towards that life, the life that I dream in my sleep and when I look around, or when I see myself in the mirror.

It takes so much courage to admit that you can’t do it all on your own, it takes all in you to ask for help. But I’m extremely tired of being this afraid of every aspect of my life. The fear, that F word has sucked me dry out of my confidence at work, with my own goddamn journey that feels like it’s moving on and I can’t keep up. You need to get to a point of reaching a wall of tiredness and especially being tired of your own bullshit of actually not giving enough fucks of your own happiness. I’m there now.

I’ve carried certain things for way too long, feeling like I deserve the shit. If I made a mistake with my finances in my twenties, which I am paying back with extremely high price now, that I should never have an easier life. Just because I fucked it all up once… But for fucks sake, I took those steps that scared me the most, and I searched for help and now things are moving to a better direction, but still. I get near panic attacks when my paycheck comes, as I see the hard work move to a place that is at the same time the best and the worst. As if there is one thing that will eat your confidence and let the fear of nothing in, it’s the fact that you as a 35 year old woman have to relie on your parents.

The fact that I’ve carried my shitty finance issues with me for as long as I have, is the main reason for my lack of healthy relationships, it’s the reason for my love for being alone, as then I can control the little I can. I was hurt extremely deep few years ago, but like my therapist says, I’ve worked myself out of that and actually am ready for love and letting someone in. But in me I know that as long as my finances are in a state they are right now, I just don’t want to start anything.

I also have couple of things to do on my own before I can stop fearing of actually having something special in my life. I did got a taster of how it could be early this year, and it reminded me that I’m more than worthy of it.

Fear. Sabotaging your own success. Those I am the master.

Loving myself, that I am still practicing, getting better as the days go by.

I am terrified of how good my life could be, so I don’t do any of it, I hide from it. Even if it doesn’t look like that to the outside.

I need time on my own to really face these things, and admit my actual fears.

But it’s also the time to let myself free and actually live this life and not just let it slip past me, like it has now. I’ve done everything myself to get where I am now, so maybe it would be time to remember that and be proud of it all. And move the fuck on. Stop carrying the past, as it is called the past for a reason.

I’m not too old for something, nor am I too young for other. But it is high time to let go.

Let go of the fear that I let holding me back.

 

Changes

received_10155252971233458.jpegWhen was the last time you looked yourself in the mirror and realized that you are exactly who you’ve wanted to be. You feel free, free’r than you’ve felt in ages. You feel you, comfortable in your own skin, in your style, in your mind, all.

When was the last time you felt You, the you you know you are inside of you, under all those layers that life has put on you?

Or what has to happen for you to crack those layers off from your back and be free and truly you? When will you stop compromising to suit the You that others have “designed” for you?

I lost my closest and dearest person a month ago, exactly a month ago. My Grandpa passed away, he was ready to leave, left in a way he had wanted. The last time we spoke our phonecall ended in “I love you, I love you too!”. Just like our phonecalls before that on weekly basis. For the past month I’ve tried to understand all these feelings his passing started in me. How I had to loose someone so damn dear to me to shook myself out of this state of numbness that I had been for quite some time.

If there’s one whose always been truthfully and with no hesitation them, it’s been my Grandpa. He was fearless, not in reality as we all have things we fear, but he wasn’t afraid of life. He wasn’t afraid of death, we spoke about it a lot this past year. Honestly, jokingly, deeply. It made me forget my fear of loosing him. I was able to accept it all, not understand but accept.

This piece is not about him, as he’s something I don’t feel the need to share more than I have. This is about changing and letting yourself be You. The You I’ve been hiding and fearing. This is about change. Change that you know is the best kind of right, the kind that you know in the deepest of your stomach that you need and have to do. I haven’t listened to my gut in a long ass time, and I’ve suffered from that dumbness!

We all know that changing our lives is hard, changing the ways we are and live is hard. Leaving people and situations behind is hard. Making decisions that will change the course of your journey is hard. I’ve done all of those quite a few times in my life, but not in any way like this year and probably the future ones too.

The funny thing is that sometimes the change can start from the smallest and most superficial thing. With me, it had been brewing in me for such a long time, me fighting against it with all I had. Being afraid of who I am and who I want to be, loosing days to fear. And if there’s one thing we never get back it’s time, don’t try to fool yourself. When we are younger we, I think, understand the concept of time, or the way it slips from our fingers way better than when we grow up and the world hardens our skin. We don’t fear what others might think of us or if something we wear is okay or not. At least I was like my Grandpa when I was small, I was that lone wolf like I am still with no worry in the world. I didn’t care if no one liked my new rubberboots that looked like frogs with eyes and all. I thought they were great and that was enough for me. I spent most of my time alone and I was completely happy. The feeling of loneliness came a lot later, when the surroundings, the people around me made notes that it would be great if I would have more friends. I had one and I was happy with that, too.

So why does all that happen? Why we forget that fearlessness and are all of sudden afraid of every damn thing?

I’ve found answers this past month I’ve been mostly alone, dealing with my grief but also with those things that have been pressing my peace for too long. My level of understanding them had reached all the levels there could be, I had nothing left but to know exactly what I need to do. I had to start making changes.

I had known few things, intuitively made the decisions already, for quite some time but the letting go part was the hardest to me. I felt like I’m loosing myself, when the reality was that I was afraid of the reality that would come when I let go and open that door that I should’ve knocked on long time ago. I still have no idea what’s behind it, but now I’m in peace with my fear that I actually don’t have anymore, but only the childlike curiosity to see. Today I admitted all of them out loud and made a plan while realizing them. I’ve missed that feeling so fucking much, that shows how deeply I’d lost myself.

My superficial thing, the product that kick started or more like pushed the ball to the right direction a direction I had build the past months, was a pair of Red Wings Moc Toes. A pair of work boots that I had been dreaming of for almost 6 years. And yes, I understand that you might think that what the fuck, but yes that’s my truth. My partners in my life crime to happiness. That’s the thing, sometimes you need a nudge in your style to be able to be your true self. A thing, a product, an object, that feels like home, like you’re complete.

Yeah, keep laughing if you want to but we all have something that makes us feel like that, don’t even try to fool yourselves like you’re better than me…

The Me I am and in the same way the You you are, is a complete puzzle of multiple pieces. From childhood to all those heartbreaks, to your style, your hair and smile. To the music you listen to, to books you read or movies you watch, even those “guilty pleasure” reality shows. But the hardest part is to be the You you really are without caring what the world around you think and just be. A lot of us say that we don’t care but we all know that that’s bullshit. We might be able to master the art of not giving a fuck by practicing for years, and let me tell you I’m reaping the benefits, I truly am. Though that also means that you need to admit all those not so nice parts of yourself to yourself. That’s the hardest part… Believe me, I’ve been there.

My change is powered by the crave for the happiness and free flying feeling I had, not even so long ago. My change is necessary for my tomorrow to be better than the numbness I’ve felt for most of this year. My change is Me. My life is mine.

MY LIFE IS MINE just like the amazing Tracee Ellis Ross said.

Stay tuned…

PMA ❤

What To Do…

Yes, what to do when you hear a news about very personal tragedy?! But you are far from it and can’t do anything.

I had this nice blog post idea that I wanted to write today and then in the morning heard something that shook me completely and that idea just seems stupid now.

There are moments in our life when something happens that we don’t expect because it’s something that we don’t want to hear. But things like that happen whether we want or not. Someone gets sick in a way that you start fearing of death, someone gets in to a bad accident, what ever.

The thing what makes it feel like shit, is that I can’t do anything and that makes me feel so so helpless. I wish that I could just snap my fingers and the whole nasty thing would be gone and all would be okay again. But I can’t and that makes me mad!

I know that life isn’t going to just go on and nothing bad will ever happen, but if it happens to someone who is more important than anything, it just punches the air out of you.

You start to cry and then in the middle of that realize that that doesn’t really help either. So the options are to keep crying or be strong for the other person.

I chose to cry first and then “keep my head up and keep my heart strong” because that’s all I can do now.

I have and will pray and send all the positiveness and still be strong. Because I know that giving up is the worst thing I could do and the person would be a bit disappointed about that too… So, I want to stay strong and positive.

I love you, you are in my heart and I will rather think about everything good than what if.