Shitty Days

IMG_6443Today was a Shitty Day.

Woke up with a massive headache, felt just in general down and sad. Little anger and frustration thrown in. A perfect start to my day I would say…

The thing is, that I am bad at letting myself have a shitty day these days. I feel straight away guilty, of something. Which is stupid on all levels possible. Because sometimes we just feel down and mad and sad and angry and frustrated, that’s it. And that’s totally okay. But in my head it seems to be either or…

It’s been such a push and work to get my general mindset more to positive that I think I don’t have the balance yet for both. And also, I haven’t felt this pissed off in a long time. Maybe I was just caught of guard.

I’m so insanely proud of myself that I got so mad that I just stormed to the gym and kicked my own ass with super good and hard workout. Haven’t happened before, so I’m pretty stoked about this! I was blasting music and really getting in that angry mode when you just have a stank face on and you push yourself, that one more!

This song pretty much was my motivator today.

The thing is, that I need to realize that it’s totally okay to feel pissed off at times, it cleans us. It makes us talk about things that have been bottling up and even though they are hard to say, it’s needed from time to time. But be prepared to feel extra exhausted after this all, that’s pretty much what’s going on here. All levels off exhaustion, little crying in the middle. This all is needed! Remember that it’s needed and okay!! And just like guilt is a great motivator, so is anger. And today that made me push myself way harder at the gym I knew that I could. BOOM!

Little Bad Girlism to get you in the stank face mood! πŸ˜‰

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Depression, My Old Friend…

IMG_5680Everyone who lives with depression, knows that there are days or times, when it’s super hard to feel happy or basically anything. That doesn’t mean that it’s a constant feeling, but at times it gets us in that numb place with a lot of things in our minds.

I’m there now.

I think it came from having “too” much good things in my life all of sudden. I felt that it drowned me with feelings that I had no idea how to cope with. For most of my life I have tried my hardest to turn all the good away. I didn’t let myself have anything good in my life, because I either felt that I don’t deserve it or didn’t know how to take it. And now, after really hard work, I know and believe that I deserve all the good like anyone else. But taking it in isn’t any easier now, but my mindset is… a bit.

There are days when getting up is the hardest thing. When the thought of going out for a run, feels so hard that you want to cry. Even when you know that that is the thing that makes you feel so much better. But getting up, dressing and taking that step to go out, feels the biggest ever. You have days when smiling is the hardest, you kind of have this numb nothing face on and no idea how to turn it to happier or even a bit upwards. You find yourself staring at the wall or outside of the window with nothing in your head, nothing. And everything, just everything feels like a insanely huge task.

One of my bad habits is to be so much for others that I loose myself and forget what I need to be able to be for others. It happened again after really long time. I tried to excel in my job, in helping my friends, in my goals, in helping in projects that I found super interesting and beneficial in my own goals. But too much is too much, for anyone, but for someone like me… It’s just way too much. I haven’t worked properly in more than two years, almost three. I haven’t had dreams and goals, well…ever. I haven’t had this kind of social life, well that was my own fault, I just didn’t let anyone in my life before. But now I have those all and in a way more. And that is super overwhelming!

My old, calm, super peaceful, uneventful life has completely changed to this fast paced, something coming from somewhere all the time life. My phone has never peeped this much…

For a moment that felt super amazing and nice, but I’m not equipped yet to handle that all. So after it sucked me in to this happy train, it also made me feel like I am drowning and so fast that I didn’t know how to get off. And my body figured that it has to stop me, because my head is not in the right place. I have to thank my body, but maybe it would be good to learn step by step to listen the signs, even when in this fast paced life.

But the thing is that I have no interest in this “hurryhurryhurry” life. Which feels like the desired thing these days. Why?! The faster we are expected to go, the shittier we feel. And that equals good, how?!

I have no problem doing things and going forward but I do have a problem with the world expecting us all to be the same. I have no intention of being like everyone else. But that also means that I have to sometimes fight, in my own way against the system. Listening to your own heart, while being super sensitive, possible introverted, having depression and insecurities in the background, while moving forward in this world… That shit is hard!

So I would like to give my hats to everyone who actually pushes through with all that!

As I am typing this, I can feel how the anxiety is getting easier and how I am able to see things in a bit more positive light again. Writing, like running, does that to me and I am grateful for that. My depression doesn’t drown me anymore that much, it reminds of itself at times, like this week. But it doesn’t get the hold anymore like it did before. In a way I am grateful for depression, because even with it’s darkest moments, I am who I am and I’ve found this power in this thing that we still try to push to the side as it’s not real. It’s very real and it keeps too many people from loving themselves, believing in themselves, chasing their dreams, anything.

I rather write and talk and show these moments, because maybe, just maybe I can make one person feel like they matter when they least feel that way.

One step at a time, one breath at a time, we can do this.

PMA ❀

Why Have I Chosen To Go Plant Based

IMG_4752Why have I chosen to go plant based?

I had to actually take some time and really think how this all began. It wasn’t one day and boom.

For few years I gradually started giving up meat, as it just didn’t suit well with my body, I felt ill after I ate it. Then about two years ago when I saw the documentary “Hungry For Change”, I started slowly but surely cleaning my diet from processed foods and drinks. Then I gave up chicken, and about 6 months ago fish. Cheese has been the hardest for me. I have gone without it for long periods of time but then all of sudden come back to it, only to realize that it really doesn’t make me feel good and that it doesn’t even taste that good. I have always been almost known to eat a lot of cheese, so this was and at times still is a thing for me.

For the past month I have been really getting serious about trying eating only plant based food. I felt that why can’t I just go full on, why am I dipping my toes but not have the guts to really dive in?

The main reason for me to even start this change two years ago was the fact that if I clean my nutrition, my depression and other health problems should get better or easier. What has happened really has surprised myself on the best kind of positive way.

My depression and imbalance in my mind got a lot better quite fast after cleaning my nutrition. These days I have ups and downs but I have never been this balanced. I felt more energized and I was noticeable happier. Those are huge things to someone who didn’t want to wake up anymore because they were so tired of feeling that nothing is good or that everything is just dark.IMG_4996When I started running, obviously I got interested in learning more and more about running and people who run. One of the first I got really into was Scott Jurek, I quickly got his book “Eat and Run”. That really boosted my want and interest in becoming more plant based. His journey from meat eating to plant based was really similar to mine, so it was easy to digest the info. Of course the fact that there are good recipes in his book helps too. And also good answer to that age old question, “how do you get enough protein?”.

The more I studied about the benefits of plant based nutrition has on endurance athletes, the more I was convinced that this is a thing I want to try and see if it works for me.

Breaking old patterns isn’t easy. Β And eating habits aren’t from the easiest end of changing things. In the beginning your body might feel sick just from the fact that the new clean stuff you are putting in your mouth is cleaning your body. Basically, the more sick you are the better you are cleaning your insides. Once you start noticing the benefits, it’s easier to keep going.

One of the reasons for me was also, that I’ve had migraines since I was really young, and when I was around 18 I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. The medication for Epilepsy in so awful toxic poop that I really wanted to get it out of my system. Obviously I didn’t stop taking them while I was suffering from attacks, but I had talked for couple of years with my doctor about quitting them.

But I did quit them and started using vitamin E to support that part of my brain, and for me that has worked without any complications. For me, not for everyone, so don’t go and do something without talking first to your doctor.IMG_4786These days I don’t really have any migraines, only after really long period of stress, that’s how my body sometimes releases it. But not those at worse one a week things anymore. Also this cloudiness that I had before, has gone away. That might be a thing that only people with headaches and migraines know :).

After I dropped milk products this weird and consistent joint pain disappeared from my knees, and I’ve had that for so long, since I injured my knees as a teenager.

I think one of the biggest moments with this nutrition has been on this Monday. On Sunday I went for a long run, didn’t know the route and it ended up being 23,3km of steep hills after another. Usually after longer runs my body is sore and my knees especially. This time, I felt amazing! I was dreading how my knees would feel after all those hills, but nothing really. That showed me that okay, this works the best for me and that I really want to keep going.

I’ve also given up using painkillers and such, I wanted to really get to know my body and if it really hurt or how much was in my head. I haven’t missed them. These days I use ginger for this purpose, and I am happy with that, not turning back!IMG_5177It’s not too easy to be a vegan or plant based or how ever you want to call yourself. There are places where it’s really easy to get food and then places where eating out for example can be a pain in the butt… But I think you can always figure something out, if you want to. I’ve decided to try to be positive and ask if there’s not anything on the menu straight away. It’s not too bad.

So, the benefits in my case:

– getting rid of my medication and having less problems with migraines

– getting my depression in a more balanced state, my anxiety is calmer, I don’t have to go from one extreme to another anymore as fast because my mood is more balanced

– having a lot more energy

– recovering from training faster and giving my body the best kind of fuel

– no more crazy dark circles under my eyes

– I sweat a lot less and it doesn’t really smell

– easier period pains

– skin is better and clearer

– no bloating

– digestion is no problems, no hemorrhoids

– no heartburn anymore

– clearer thinking, more patience, no sugar level jumps

– no addictive feeling, to sugar or some other processed foods or drinks

– natural weight loss

– hair and nails are in better shape and shinier

– breath is better

If I have to put something that someone would take as a “bad” thing…

– nails and hairs, yes all the hairs, grow crazy fast.

– graving of kale…

I think those are all I can think, so basically nothing! πŸ™‚

This change in me might started from selfish reasons, but these days it’s partly because I want to be able to live in a World with less pollution and don’t want to cause pain to innocent animals. The more you study and do research the more you open your eyes to what’s going on, and what the World will be if I have kids someday. It makes you think.

Also, once you start thinking how much you have choices in eating plant based, you don’t think it as a chore anymore. You can eat so many things that it’s insane, it’s not what I have to give up, it’s oh my I am gaining so much! πŸ™‚IMG_4275

All This New

IMG_4244Yes, all this new!

I was on a long walk today with my dog and realised that I really just want to move already. It was one of the funniest feelings in a very long time.

Just last week I made the decision that I will move back to Finland, where I haven’t lived in 2 years. Oh, it will be so interesting to go back.

I will definitely have some kind of super reverse culture shock. That will be interesting!

I am also filled with ideas what to do, how to make my blog better and more this and that. My head is just bubbling with ideas. It hasn’t been this giddy in long time, so this is nice :).

Things that also make me happy about moving back are things like, finally going to start yoga at my friends yogastudio, Pihasali. I’m finally going to learn how to knit, thanks to my Mom. I get to go to the gym with my rockstar Mom, muscles here I come! I get to see my friends more than one afternoon in 6 months. And I get to see my family!

But the main thing for me is that I actually want to move and go back there. I haven’t wanted that in 2 years. I really didn’t want to go back.

For me going back before was like the biggest loser mark on my forehead. Like I gave up on something. But hell no I am not!

How much have I changed in these 2 years?! Insanely.

Did I care about myself two years ago, not much. Did I run and have friends all over the world, nope. Was I part of the best running crew, Still Waters Run Deep, well hell no I wasn’t. But now I am. And in a week I get to run with my crewmates in my Granmas honor here in Copenhagen! BOOM!

I have a feeling that there are some big things poppin’ soon! So I have planned and I believe that the universe agrees with me!

So let’s just end this to an super positive note!

Gratitude. PMA. Peace. Love. Blessed. Undoordinary. Breath. YES!IMG_4729

 

Always With Me

IMG_4649

It’s been really long since I last wrote here. My life took a proper turn and then another and then just threw me out from everything I knew.

It’s almost a month since I moved away from Hannover, Germany to Copenhagen, Denmark. With no time to deal or realize what was really happening. Everything happened so fast that I still feel weirded out that I am here. It doesn’t feel real.

It’s been hard, it’s been good, it’s been new, it’s been beautiful, it’s been surprising, it’s been awful, it’s been amazing.

It’s really hard for me to put in to words how I feel and have been going through emotionally.

I don’t think I had any idea how this move would make me feel. Everything was really different than the last time. It’s always an adapting experience and I’m still in the beginning of this one. But this time I left part of my family behind for some time, for time that I don’t know yet. When that hit me, it was really hard to take, a lot of tears.

And this is the reason why I haven’t been writing in so long…

I lost my Granma little over a week ago. I didn’t want to write it, because then it would be little more true. I also didn’t know if I want to tell it to anyone, especially here. She was so much more than just a Granma. She gave me wings. She always pushed me to be me, not anyone else. She was gentle, tough, loving, warm, everything. She made up this amazing fairytale forest when I was small, it was this forest close to my Granparents place, but she made it magical. She made up stories and encouraged my imagination just to roam free and fly. She let me sit in the middle of their raspberry bushes, without no worry. She let me mow the lawn at winter, so I was basically just making awesome lines in the deep snow. She cooked the best food. She tried to teach me how to bake, which I never learned and still suck. She made the most beautiful christmas trees I know, they were always different and even better than the last year. She got up during the night to put my blanket back even though she knew that I will kick it off again. Most of the time we didn’t agree, but she accepted me. She loved me no matter what. She hated my tattoos. She was there for me.

And when she got sick this spring, it kicked the air out of me. To me, my Granparents are people who will never go away. And all of sudden I had to understand that I will loose them someday. Maybe sooner than I wanted to think.

I saw her the last time the week before I moved. She was so happy that I was moving away from Germany, because she saw and knew how unhappy I was there. She wanted me to find a place where I could have a life, where I could be me, where I could be like any normal my age person. And when I moved here, I was thinking all the time that I have to fight for my own happiness finally. That was what she wanted me to do. I pushed myself with her help. For the first time I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to let her down, again. I know that in a way she always had hope when it came to me, but I also know that she really hoped that something would finally change with me and how I lived my life.

She was one of the rare people that somehow understood what running meant to me. When I wrote her from London during Hackney Half, that I am running this for you because you can’t, it meant so much to her. Maybe she saw how much I had changed and how much happier and balanced I am because of running.

If this move isn’t hard enough with only all that it brings in my everyday life with everything new, this gut filling feeling if loosing part of you, made this even more challenging. But something changed in me. I wanted to fight for the first time, ever. I didn’t want to give up. And I know it’s her. She pushes me and reminds me to push on, to make myself proud, to show myself what I am capable of. All those things that she knew and tried to show to me, from really young.

I don’t know how to deal this loss. I have never lost anyone this close before. I don’t have the tools for this.

The only things I can do is remind myself of all that I have from her, all those millions of memories, all of her hugs, her tough love that really worked. Be grateful and try to be positive. That is what she would want me to do. To go on with my life and do all those things I am meant to do.

I will honor her and her memory by running the Copenhagen Half for her in two weeks. She will be with me every step. And this is the way that will help me go on with my pain and at the same time I am able to do something for her that she would really love, and she knows that it means a lot to do this for her. And I will lay this medal with her.

It’s really hard to let go, but it’s easier when I think that she is in this beautiful flower garden that she would love. And that she will always be with me.

The day after she passed away, I was walking with my dog and I just knew that I am not meant to run the Berlin Marathon this year. And as soon as I decide that, this huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I knew that it’s exactly what I need to do know. I didn’t feel that I am giving up, it felt right and at this moment I am listening myself more than ever before. I have to be gentle to myself, but tough in the right places too.

In a month, my life changed completely. I got that change that I was dreaming of, to get to another place and hopefully be able to start a life that I dream of. I lost someone who is part of me, but I am grateful and thankful for all. I am fighting and going forward, no matter how hard it feels at times. I have come this far, and it’s not the time to give up. Just listen to yourself. Breath. Think about the positive and breath the negatives out. Be thankful. Be grateful.

I love you, thank you for giving me wings and reminding me that I can.Β IMG_4624