Pressure Point

IMGP8104I’ve reached my breaking point, or at least I’m really close to it.

I’ve always tried to keep this blog and my writings honest but I feel that this might be the time, when I’m brutally honest.

I’m so done, so exhausted and just insanely tired, probably a bit depressed too. In so little time, only little over six months, yes I’m repeating but I feel that I need to see it to finally believe it. So, in only that time, I’ve moved twice from country to country to country, lost my Grandma, tried to get used to living back in Finland where I genuinely don’t feel like I belong at all, found  my first job in few years, getting insanely amazing sponsors for my goals, trying to find myself in all this, having my long relationship coming to an end, trying to grieve the loss of my Grandma, being there for others, trying to train for my Ultra.

I’ve tried so hard to push on, so hard, and I know that I’ve done some amazing work while at it. But I’ve also completely forgot myself and the ability to say that I don’t have anything in me at the moment. And if I don’t say how I’m really feeling, no one will know and they expect that I can do what I’ve done. People tend to forget what’s happened, and I don’t say that in a bad way, it’s just not their life and I would forget it too. So if I don’t say something, no one will know.

I’m feeling like there’s this pressure of doing well, because everything in my life is actually going really well. But there’s also been so much to take, emotionally, that my powers are starting to dwindle down and I’m in a point when I’m just anxious and stressed about the smallest thing.

I’ve been helping other people make their goals and dreams come true, and managed to forget that I’m supposed to put mine first on my lists. Which has ended up me being completely uninspired and with no energy to write and run. I’ve ran because I’ve needed to stay alive and I’ve managed to get almost on every run to this meditation like state, which has been crucial.

But my relationship with my body and mind has gone really sour. For the past months, I’ve been eating whatever or none at all. And in a time when my body image and my body in whole should look better than ever before, it doesn’t, not even close. I’ve gained weight and that makes me feel really bad and insecure, like it has always. I’m eating stuff that I haven’t in such a long time, and all of it is making me feel physically ill and my face is looking like I’m a teenager again. I’m really disappointed in myself and that makes me feel even more shitty. I hate that I feel like this, as I’m supposed to be strong and all, but I can’t be strong all the time, even if I wanted to. But I’ve lost the me that I am now. I’m trying to find that again, but it’s not too easy.

Mostly I’m feeling okay, but it might also be because I haven’t let myself really feel all that I have inside, it’s quite scary.

While I know that I’ve been super hard on myself, I don’t seem to really understand all that has happened in such a short amount of time. I feel extremely lost. And I haven’t really talked about all this, only to one friend, because this all and all the other feelings I have inside aren’t the easy and pretty things to say.

They make me feel super insecure, shitty, unsure about all that I am doing. I don’t feel like that strong, healthy, sexy woman that I already thought I am. All of sudden all that is lost.

I’ve pushed myself in a corner and I’m not sure how to get out.

I have so nice things coming soon, and all I can think is that oh no I look so fat and I don’t have any nice clothes and oh no this and that. I feel like I would just like to hide, but in the same time I can’t wait to see my friends, the people I’ve missed so much and haven’t seen in over half a year.

What I’m feeling at the moment, is only happening because I haven’t been good enough to myself, I’ve forgotten my own health and well being, mind and body. Which unfortunately isn’t too new to me, but this time I’m really tired of this as I’m the one suffering, only me, like before.

Even though I’ve been thinking that I don’t have time to fall, I have to let myself fall and feel all that’s happened. If I don’t, I’m not going to feel any better and I’m only going to fall harder. It’s time for me to put myself first, not after all and everyone else, like I have for way too long.


Pressure… From In Or Out?

Pressure, jealousy, “over” motivation, social media pressure, what ever it might be, I’ve felt it a lot this past couple of months.

Social media is kind of amazing thing, you can find new friends, contacts, get positive inspiration and motivation, but there is also the other side in it.

All that can turn to a pressure to be better, faster, stronger, healthier, whatever it might be. People, me including sometimes, have this thing that they like to show the good and not so much the bad in their postings. And all that “good” can start being little intimidating over time, especially when your own journey is still beginning. All over you feel that you need to do more, be faster, eat wayyy better, might feel guilty about things that you really shouldn’t, feel jealous of that one girl who is getting a lot of coverage and you feel like “why, I’m doing so much too”.

I think there is a fine line with being motivating and being a bully. I’m all up for personal victories being up there, because that is motivating to the max to see that someone works hard and is proud of that! But there is also way of putting others down because they aren’t as something as you. That is just pure wrong. I think many forget at some point we all really did start from the ground. Even if you have been into sports your whole life, you didn’t shoot out of the womb with all that hard work in you ready to go. Yes, there are people who have natural talent, but that’s minority of us.

I have this thing that I do when I’m running. I try to smile to everyone and try to say “Hello” to all of them too, even if they don’t look like they have any interest to respond. But I do it because it gave me this feeling when I was in the start of my journey last January, that I belonged and it just purely made me feel good. Especially when the run was feeling rough, that random smile might have made everything feel better. I try to remember that feeling and keep smiling to who ever comes running or walking past me. We all start from somewhere!

I also think it would be way better to those people who are thinking of starting some exercise, to feel that we all are in this together. When you start take things too seriously, you can easily loose the happiness of what you’re doing. I like to work hard, I’m starting to get back to that mindset that pushing yourself little bit harder makes me better at what I find my passion. And it’s also totally okay to have days when you completely hate going and doing something, that is normal. Usually after your exercise you feel better, so there is a reason to keep going.

We already live in a world where we have to all the time be something else than we are inside of us. Less this, more this, blaablaablaa and then we wonder why kids are all messed up and why there is so many people suffering from depression… I have never understood why we need to be the same?! That doesn’t make any sense to me. But be who you are is pretty much the hardest thing to do, when you don’t even have idea what that is. It’s hard to listen that small, very smart, voice inside when the outside world is bombing you with other things that you should be.

I have been battling with that and I’m almost 30 now and finally have found that trust in me. It doesn’t mean that it’s easy, it’s super hard, but I have found my voice slowly and I really like who I am becoming. My gut feeling is pretty much always right and every time I listen to something else, I don’t feel too good. For me this all came with the form of feeling like a loser, because I felt that I can’t train as hard as my running app calculated me to be. Sounds stupid and it was! I felt that I should be able to but my body was saying no you have to take is slower. I felt that I am seriously loser for not being able to push myself harder… Thank you for couple of my friends who I talked about this, they made me calm down and realize that I am good as I am and that I’m doing really good and that my body is smarter than my head. Thank you!

I think it’s super important to talk about how hard certain things are. It makes us remember where we started and appreciate the things we’ve done and be proud of that progress. Running is not always easy, no way, it sucks at times big time, but like any other sport or passion, if you keep going it will get easier and you’ll love it again, and then there will be bad days again and good after them.

Honesty is something we all need to practice more, me including. The pressure to be something else than we are comes sometimes from outside but there are a lot times when it comes from inside of us, from those insecurities that we all have. But more important is to be okay with them and still stand in front of the mirror and say to yourself “you are strong, I love you, I’m proud of you and you can!”. And, yes that’s not always easy either but if you say it everyday, it will stick. I know, because I have been doing it for the last 6 months :).

So, let’s be STRONG, let’s LOVE ourselves, let’s be PROUD of ourselves and let’s DO whatever our hearts desire!

Here’s couple amazing articles from one of my favorite blogs Spikes and Heels, about this topic. They made me think of it more and really made me want to write about it too.