From Slow and Luscious to Strong and Luscious

IMG_7533Something changed in me during that Ultra of mine, yes a lot but one thing that is very particular.

It was the first time in my life that I had this tiny spark waking up in me. That spark that wants to better myself and is really willing to put myself on that edge and over my comfort zone. I actually want to be good at Ultras and trail running, not just do it solely for my own fun.

I’ve never really been too much in to pushing myself over that line. I think in the end I’ve always been afraid what is really in me, if I work harder for it. Yeah, that good old fear…

But if I was able to finish that race, I am able to push myself in my running. If I didn’t give up there, why would I give up now that I’m already on my way to bettering myself? It would not make any sense.

So I knew even during the race that what I need to change and do from now on. I have little over two months to go to my next Ultra, same distance 58km, on an island too. So I know what I want and need to improve in my body, mind feels ready and just need to be kept on that strong level it is now.

I’ve contacted a coach for my running, already have a personal trainer for the gym work, and am talking about a better race nutrition. So I’m really taking the steps to the right direction.

This is a test for myself to see how dedicated I am, I know I have it in me, but I just need to really show it too. Inside of myself I know that I have what it takes to be actually good in this Ultra running. I might never be the fastest but I have guts and the mental side and with training and hard work my pace will increase too.

I’ve never really been too competitive but something woke in me during that race, my own potential probably. I saw who I really am, not someone anymore who just wants things but isn’t willing to really work for them. And I knew that I had a plan on how to train for that race too, but I really didn’t follow through, so with this new mentality and headspace I feel that I have a new chance, and I really want to show myself how hard I can work.

And I can only go forward and maybe it was a good thing that my first official Ultra took me that long. I know that I am able to get better from that. And after todays hill repeats, I actually feel that this will work, yes! 🙂

So Ultra Project “From Slow and Luscious to Strong and Luscious” has began!

PMA ❤IMG_7534

The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner

Like the book title says, even though I haven’t read that particular one.

There’s something pleasant about ultra training, not the same pressure as with big road races. In a way, no one cares what you do. You can train on your own, at your own pace.

But it also makes this all a bit more lonely. And the more I have friends all over the world, the lonelier this feels. Training alone without friends to run with is getting me down, for the first time. Before this I haven’t ever really thought about it, yes a little of course but not in a way that it’s getting me down… Now I feel that I miss all my friends like crazy.

Maybe it’s because I’m feeling more and more that I’m not supposed to live in Finland more than I need to. I’m noticing how my whole being wants to go already, though I know that I’m not yet. The next time I am leaving, I’m going to do it with a proper planning and smart approach. I’ve tried the other way of leaving and it’s not the way I want to do ever again.

I think I might be a bit depressed by my surroundings. Winter in Southern Finland isn’t that amazing, most of the time it’s just slush and ice all over the place. Trails around me are so icy that it’s almost impossible to run them and seeing photos of people running on beautiful trails around the world. I’m trying to make the best of what I have but there are moments when it’s just so bloody hard. And now is one of those days.

I’ve probably just had too rough of a week behind. Dehydrated for sure. A lot of dealing with my own fears and hurdles. Amazing moment with the longest run. Food choices that don’t make any sense. And because of them, the worst feeling ever.

I know this is a journey, and that I should try to keep my focus on the big picture but oh my it’s hard at times. I do have amazing support, but the thing is that majority of it is physically away from me and I’m really missing my support in real life. I have a major deficiency for hugs :(.

But the good thing is that I’ve been getting back to training and done way more strength training than before, and I’m feeling the benefits already. I’m getting in that training mode, even if it feels hard. It’s for the right way on my journey. I have to remember that it’s okay to feel down at times, it’s natural in this situation but I don’t need to let it eat my happiness all the way.

I saw this amazing note to self photo today…IMG_6527

Blessing In Disguise

IMG_5684The past month, my life has taken huge leaps to a better and the fact has taken me in like a hurricane…

Meaning so many good and exciting things that I’ve forgotten what makes me feel deeply good and calm, and jumped on to this adrenaline roll and pushed on like a little steam train. In the expense of my health and happiness. But sometimes not getting what you want is the only way to go forward.

Last week I was on my happy cloud, but forgot to eat and sleep enough and my body and mind tried to tell me but I wasn’t listening any of that, so Friday my whole body shut down for the day. And I finally listened. It made me stop and think again what I’m doing and how.

I am a stubborn one, and I seem to keep this aspect of myself with myself through everything. Maybe I’m a bit better in it but still I get these moments when I’m wondering how far I need to go before I remember to listen to my body, who just happens to be wayyyy smarter than me.

I also noticed that I am so desperate to have some normality in my life that I was willing to do anything. Not that that was expected from me, but I made myself think that.

But when I forgot the things that are important to me, that bring me peace and power, running and writing. I am doomed. Those are the things that have given me new life and all of sudden I forgot them. I am actually quite disappointed in myself, because I’ve worked so damn hard to get myself away from that kind of neglecting. But then again, I can’t punish myself for something I know that I can change.

The thing is, that I’ve been living my life so differently the past two years and now I’m trying to adjust to all this new, good and bad, mostly just challenging. But the hardest part is to keep listening to myself and have enough alone time to do the things that keep me balanced. And that is a challenge, but I’m willing to take that one on too. One step at a time, learning something every step.

Remember to be healthy selfish and take those precious moments for yourself. Sometimes that moment when you feel that you lost something, it might be a blessing in disguise.

PMA ❤

All This New

IMG_4244Yes, all this new!

I was on a long walk today with my dog and realised that I really just want to move already. It was one of the funniest feelings in a very long time.

Just last week I made the decision that I will move back to Finland, where I haven’t lived in 2 years. Oh, it will be so interesting to go back.

I will definitely have some kind of super reverse culture shock. That will be interesting!

I am also filled with ideas what to do, how to make my blog better and more this and that. My head is just bubbling with ideas. It hasn’t been this giddy in long time, so this is nice :).

Things that also make me happy about moving back are things like, finally going to start yoga at my friends yogastudio, Pihasali. I’m finally going to learn how to knit, thanks to my Mom. I get to go to the gym with my rockstar Mom, muscles here I come! I get to see my friends more than one afternoon in 6 months. And I get to see my family!

But the main thing for me is that I actually want to move and go back there. I haven’t wanted that in 2 years. I really didn’t want to go back.

For me going back before was like the biggest loser mark on my forehead. Like I gave up on something. But hell no I am not!

How much have I changed in these 2 years?! Insanely.

Did I care about myself two years ago, not much. Did I run and have friends all over the world, nope. Was I part of the best running crew, Still Waters Run Deep, well hell no I wasn’t. But now I am. And in a week I get to run with my crewmates in my Granmas honor here in Copenhagen! BOOM!

I have a feeling that there are some big things poppin’ soon! So I have planned and I believe that the universe agrees with me!

So let’s just end this to an super positive note!

Gratitude. PMA. Peace. Love. Blessed. Undoordinary. Breath. YES!IMG_4729

 

Family First

IMG_4694Universe has a funny way to keep us on the right path, if we are open to listening and going with that flow.

That means to me that yesterday my life changed again, big time, as in new move to another country.

I recently wrote about the loss of my Granma, that made me put things in perspective and really think what is important to me.

And that being said, family is the thing that is the most important. I need and have to be with my family now. I need them and I want to be there for them now. It’s my time to give and not only take, which I have been doing for too many years.

I think I knew this for almost couple of weeks, but I just didn’t want to say it. When I moved from Finland to Germany, I did it because I wanted to show that I will actually do something and not only talk. For a long long time, I felt that I am a loser if I would go back there. Now things are so different.

I have lost someone who was part of me. That puts you in different place in your life. I need to be with people who understand my loss and who I can hug and be hugged.

And I’m not the same person I was little over two years ago, I have worked so hard to be in a better place, and I’m not going to let that work go to waste.

This is not an easy move, and I will have those moments when I think that “what did I do?” but I have to trust my gut feeling, and everytime I have done that, it’s been the best.

I am afraid of funny things like, that people and those friends that I’ve made would forget me because I’m in the north :). I know that the people who I call friends these days won’t do that. But I am further from them that I have been. I hope that some of you want to come to that super exotic Finland :).

But I am also really happy to be in a place that I know things and how they work. Speak my own language and be with my best friends.

And everytime I start thinking of oh dear Finland, I remind myself that it doesn’t mean that it’s some kind of life sentense, I am always allowed to leave and I have a strong feeling that I will do that, once I get my life in better place. I haven’t found that happy place of mine yet.

But  for now, this is the right thing to do, for me, for my family and for my journey.

Thank you Universe!IMG_4686