Changes On Changes On Changes

wp-1486580137657.jpgHello diary, it’s me again, after all these changes on changes on changes…

I haven’t been sure what to write about what’s been going on in my life the past months, where my boundaries are. After last years silence on this front, I really wanted to search and see what feels right and what not to share. When I started my journey I was brutally honest about everything, now I know that there are people who know me who read this and majority don’t but they maybe feel that through this they do. But I wanted to be brutally honest to myself in what I want people to know. And it will change, like I have and will. I like that fluidity in life.

My year started with very mixed feelings, as I was mourning a dear friend who I’d lost in an accident and also celebrating a great new opportunity, becoming a coach at adidas runners Helsinki. Two things that somehow combined and intertwined. My friend was the only one who new about this opportunity before her passing. So when I got the good news, I was almost mad that she wasn’t here so I could jump for joy with her, but I knew that she is and was with me in that moment. And like I felt the proud kick in me, I knew that she would be kicking me with a proud smile on her face.

I’ve come to realize, finally, that life is all about timing. You’re not able to have the good things in your life before you’re ready to take them on. No matter how much you’ve wanted them before, all that wanting ain’t going to make them happen. You might meet the one who feels like Home, like no one before, knowing that the timing isn’t right. You might want to be in a different situation in your life, but if you aren’t willing and ready to admit what you’re ready for and what not, nothing will happen. You have to be ready. Otherwise it doesn’t work out.

You have to be willing to understand and be comfortable that you can’t always control what happens.

You might get the news that your just operated wrist might need a new operation, the thing you last wish for, but need to turn the negatives into positives. You already know how you can deal the whole thing in the deep ends.

You might lose a friend in an accident, or you might have to end a friendship because no matter how much you want to have it all in your life, it’s not good for you anymore and have to admit it. Losing someone you love hurts, there’s no way to explain it all. Whether it’s by choice or not. It hurts, a lot. But you have to let all those feelings come and then let them go. You have to put yourself first. That’s the only way to find yourself and truly be happy with YOUR life.

You might have to take an almost year long break from the things that once brought you back to life, to remember why they saved you in the first place. You can’t force happiness or passion. You have to give yourself a break to unlearn everything to learn something new again. It might be learning how to tie fly’s for fly fishing, but if that makes you happy then you need to listen to that voice that whispers in your ear “this is the best ever!”.

You have to be willing to look so close it hurts to understand that you have people who want to have you in their lives, to be able to let them close. Keeping love only in the distance ain’t doing us any favors. If you feel lonely, admit it and do something about it. Moping about it ain’t helping you either, and those walls will feel like they are falling on you faster than you thought.

You have to be willing to learn how to be uncomfortable with yourself. It’s that simple. Once you’re okay with that, the good things start to fill your days. It might be that moment you wake up and you realize that you smile again. Appreciate that tiny moment and be grateful for it at the end of your day. Put yourself out there in yourself and it will shine the hell out of you. Smile to people even if they look at you like there’s something wrong with you. For shit and giggles if not else.

I am extremely grateful for these days I have now, I am for all those that felt like shit too. I’ve worked damn hard to be where I am right now and I giving myself creds for it all. Because I’ve stayed on my own lane, I am here. With amazing new opportunities and passions. And tying those fly fishing fly’s is the thing for me, it makes my insides purr of happiness. Soon I will stand in the middle of a river with my insides purring from the thrill of it all. That’s me.

This is a life long deal with learning and making mistakes. One after another, and again and again. That’s how you find you. By being open, honest, raw, gentle, loving, grateful, passionate, angry and full of life. Your ability to admit your weaknesses is the thing that makes you strong!

PMA ❤

Embracing Your True Self Is Really Hard And Really Amazing At The Same Time

IMG_1506Finding who you are, is hard work. Going deep and really facing yourself, changing what needs to be changed for yourself to be truly you and happy, and in the end embracing your true self, the one that has been kicking and screaming under all to get out and show you how amazing you really are.

I am in this turmoil of Me. I’m on that edge of the cliff to be the Me I am, that I’ve been working towards, but there’s that last part to be okay with.

Me moving back to Finland is definitely part of that last part of this. I need to be okay with this place and then I can finally let go of that weird discomfort and anger I’ve had in me. My new job is making it way easier for me than I thought, damn lucky me!

I’m in a situation where I can finally work in a company and people that really push me forward, appreciate me and my skills and actually tell that to me directly. I am beyond happy about that. Majority of my life at the moment is more than good, wouldn’t change anything but there’s one that is able to take me down at times, right now.

The thing is as simple as me gaining some weight after the Copenhagen Marathon and my face plant with my bike that left me a bit unable to do anything for a while. I also completely lost my interest in running for some time. And for the first time I have a job where I actually like to look good and me and be representable. Or more like that I have a chance to be me and look like I really do. And all of sudden my clothes don’t fit to me and I just want to hide myself, something I did before my work with myself started. I hate that feeling I have now.

I hate that I feel uncomfortable now with my skin, after I worked so damn hard to not feel like that, to feel comfortable with myself and in my skin. I hate that I feel that I want to hide myself and my body. I’ve done that for so many years of my life and last summer I was finally in this place with myself that I was confident and proud of myself and didn’t feel that I need to hide anything anymore. I know that I will be back in that “place”, but the feeling I’ve had now just kicks my ass and not in the right way at all.

I know that the change isn’t big, but it’s big enough to make me feel like shit at the changing room when I try to buy some pants. I’m one of those who get all the extra on their hip/ass area, but not at all in that delicious way that my ass would just got rounder, naa…

It’s also been a time in my life when I’ve realised my age. That I need to work more constant and regularly not just at times, my body bounces back to old way faster than to that hard worked toned one. I need to be consistent in what I do, eat and how I live. Maybe this was a good reminder in that.

All in all, I am in this first time ever moment in my life, I don’t feel that I need anyone in my life, I am finally enough to me. I don’t really feel like my life would be any better now with someone in it. I’m not ready for anything really now, I need to really deal and get rid of some stuff that was done to me in my last relationship.  But the content and happy feeling about myself is the best feeling, the fact that I am more than okay with myself. It’s almost relieving that I don’t feel that it would be nice to have someone in my life now. It’s nice to have this freedom all to myself. To not feel like I need to care about anyone else than myself. Maybe it sounds rude to someone, but I’ve wanted to feel this good with myself for so so long that I do not care.

There was this amazing Instagram post I saw this morning, it so accurately summed up how I feel now about everything. IMG_1610

I’m also in a situation with my work that I’ve never been before, I’m the oldest one there and the only single one, so in the beginning it felt almost funny, but I’ve had moments now where it’s almost felt a bit sad. Not sure why, but there’s been this “am I going to be like this long still?”. And at the same time not even wanting anything. Confusing to say the least, or maybe part of life.

To be honest I feel really confused and at peace at the same time. What am I even supposed to think of that?!

I love this me who is confident in her life, at least most of the time, I fucking feel like some warrior queen at times, is there anything better?! I don’t like the me who puts myself down for something as ridiculous as feeling like shit because I’ve gained weight when I’ve actually finally lived and enjoyed my life. That is just stupid.

But when you’ve been fighting with yourself and your self worth through your body image as long as I have, it can still be a bit of a rough thing at times. Especially when being in that comfortable skin is as scary as loosing it. It’s a long and constant battle that won’t get easier as I get older, as I need to work for it more than before. Again, maybe this was a good wake up reminder that it really is so, I need to work harder now than before to keep what feels the best.

I know that I will be back in that skin soon again, sooner than it really feels now. I think I needed to feel a bit shit and let myself do a little cry and show myself that all of that hard work really means a lot to me. That I’m not that looser, quitter that I was before, that Me is really dying down, thank goodness!

Everything can’t be all happy and shiny all the time, I need to dig deep and go down at times too. I hope I never loose that, because even though I feel like shit in those moments, I always climb back up from them these days.

Actually it was great to look myself today at the changing room and feel like shit for a second. Because it really was a second. Mostly I felt that I looked better than I thought. If there’s a part of me I’m not happy at the moment, I know that I can change it, that’s simple.

I love that I’m finding and embracing my worth these days. Finally getting pissed about people treating me shitty. Finally not caring that much if someone only texts me when I haven’t been active on that. It’s easy to find those people who really should be in your life when you don’t need others to make you happy.

It’s liberating to be able to be mad at someone who treated you bad and let myself feel all those feelings that I’ve denied from myself for so long. To say that “fuck you for being shitty to me and using my kindness for your own good”! To just let it out and move on. IMG_1550

So the point of this all is that embracing your true self is the best, deleting toxic people from your life is the best, believing and working hard towards something and everything is the best, going through bad relationship can be the best wake up to your own self worth, it’s okay to feel like shit at times, just as long as you don’t drown in that, remind yourself of your amazing self and how damn hard you’ve worked!

DO YOU. LOVE YOURSELF. REMEMBER HOW HARD YOU’VE WORKED. STAY WHO YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING! PMA ❤ OWN WHO YOU ARE. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. DO THAT QUEEN SHIT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL ALIVE.

Warrior Queen song to end this and power you to some warrior moves to shake all the negativity off!

Samsø Ultra – When Running Is Just Running With A Side Of What Happened?

IMG_8193Sunburned skin, legs filled with scratches from knee deep wild rose bushes, body feeling like it’s really worked hard for something that means so much, head feeling tired and humbly proud.

I’ve never really raced in my life, never really put my body to a test like I did last Saturday at Samsø Ultra.

I’m writing this all through a haze of after race blues, that funny feeling that doesn’t make any sense, but is still there. But after that race I’m not even surprised, because I went to a whole new level of myself there. I wasn’t that nervous the days before, a bit the evening before but slept good, and then the start line was in front of me with all the people and me alone. And that was the moment when I realized that my friend, who was supposed to run the race too wasn’t going to be next to me. I wanted so badly to get his legs good before the race, not because I thought that I might need to run alone, just the fact that I really didn’t want him to hurt and be injured. And then it hit me, I’m going to run a race alone for the first time, I’ve always had friends around me. And I was so insanely afraid. IMG_8182

The first 5km or so, I was in pretty dark place, I kind of wanted to stop running, I was afraid that I’m going to be last, AGAIN, my legs felt like led and like there’s nothing in them to push on.

And then the route just went over this huge grass hill and on top of that all I could do was look around and feel so small in the best possible way, and then it hit me, goddamned I’m lucky to be here. I was just smiling like an idiot, thinking that I need to go on because I wanted to run the race for my friend.

The first 20km was so hard, so insanely hard. It was like running in some ridiculously beautiful Hobit country, with all the sheep’s and cows and horses around you, with huge hills going up and down. I got lost and was really happy that so did these amazing gentlemen that I ended up running quite a lot of the way. First pitstop I just flew past, yes I wrote flew because that’s how I felt. I started feeling strong even though my calves felt so bad with all the climbing and more to come. All the way to the third pitstop I went alone, and then I got company from Ke, the only other international runner. And we went together all the way to the last pitstop which was really nice. Huge thank you to him!IMG_8185

And then I got lost again, at least not only me! It might have been the most beautiful place in the world to get lost though, felt like a mountain goat trying to get forward through this thick wild rose spike bush hill. That was the moment I realized why the organizer wrote in the info that we should wear long pants or socks, obviously I didn’t. Bruised summer legs FTW! Thank you to that super nice gentleman to picked me over an electric fence when we realized that we are in a “bit” wrong side of it. I think after that I really started racing, no idea why, but I was going like I’ve never done before.

I was running with these nice gentlemen and thinking am I able to keep up with them, but ended up saying to myself that just keep going, you got this. And I just kept going, and started feeling stronger and stronger, which felt, to be honest, really weird. I wasn’t expecting that to happen after almost 30km. And my mind clearing from everything, it was just silent, maybe that’s runners high, no idea, but it was so nice. Silence of all the doubts that I’m so used to.

Never not time for new friends :)

Never not time for new friends 🙂

After pitstop 4 I called to my friend just to know if I could see him soon, and the idea of seeing him in some time made me just push on. And in silence we ran next to each other with Ke. The rhythm of our steps felt really good. And I just felt so strong. My belly felt super good, no problems at all.

IMG_8208

This is how happy you look when seeing your friend at around 35km 🙂

And then I saw my friend, the joy in me was just bursting, a hug at that point felt crazy good!

After that I felt like I’ve never felt before, I started racing for the first time in my life. I was tired and hurting a bit but I just put those on the side and kept going. The next time I saw my friend he was blasting this song from his car and let me tell you, that stuff gives you the biggest boost, even when the song is ridiculous but it made me smile so big that I didn’t know that it’s possible. And I just did my pitstops super fast and kept going with Ke. That was a huge change to my last Ultra in Bornholm, where I had to sit down and really gather some strength in myself. Now I felt like Sally Mcrae looked at last years Western States. She’s pretty great motivator on a race, I noticed, even if it’s in my mind.

I think I really started thinking that I could do a time that I had in mind in Bornholm when I got to the 42,2km pitstop. I had something like 15km to go, so I wasn’t that sure if I could do it. Not before I got to the last pitstop and heard that I have little over an hour to do a 10km. I have no idea what happened, I just charged on and left my race running buddy behind. I just went for it. I kept saying to myself that you got this, yes it will hurt but you can do it easy! Kept thinking about Sally Mcrae and just pushing on. I’ve never in my life felt that strong, ever. I’ve never pushed myself like that in my life. It felt terrible at times, my body was so tired from the heat and the fact that I had run more than ever before, continuously, in my life. But I just kept going, no matter how it felt, because I’d decided that I will get under that time. At one point I remember thinking that it’s not that bad if I can’t make that, and also remember how I almost yelled at myself that you’re not fucking doing that shit now! I was so determined! I actually used anger as my fuel, never done that before either.

Around 35km :)

Around 35km 🙂

Once I saw that I have 1km to go, I picked up my pace, which just felt so bad but still. Saw this man and just yelled at him that am I far? His answer was the best thing at that point, I just had to push on a little more and then I’m there. And that last bit was the hardest I’ve ever done and it felt like the longest road ever. That moment when I saw my friend and he said where I need to go and ran next to me and said that I’m getting under my goal, that’s my favorite. I started pushing myself even more, just wanted to get there and get it done.

The moment I got to the finish was insane, I felt like my legs are going to give up and it took me quite some time to get myself breathing at least a bit normal. And that was the moment when I realized that I did what I wanted for the last 15km. I had managed to run my race under 7 hours 30min. That meant for me that I had done over 2 and half hours better than in Bornholm.

It also meant that I was the Female Winner in my distance, and 3rd overall in it too. And my official time was 7:27!IMG_8210

I still, couple of days afterwards, feel a bit surreal about this all. I’ve never been like I was during that race. I’ve never raced in my life. I was mentally so strong, so goddamned strong. I managed to do something that I never thought I could really do. Maybe that was the moment what I knew when I started running in the first place, that I would be good at running long. Now I knew that I could be good at exactly that, if I give myself a chance. I’ve never really gave myself the chance to show what I really have inside of me. I’m so humbled by the race. It showed me that me, that I’ve wanted to believe is inside of me. I was able to just run, which I wanted to do. Because in the end, it’s just running. Something I kept saying to myself during the day. I’m also finally giving myself some credit for something I really should. I am really proud of myself, I really am. I remembered to enjoy it all and have fun and even stop if something was that amazing. And I could not done it without my friend, just the fact that someone was there for me, is insanely important. The fact that he knew how to make me smile and said just the right things to make me believe in myself more. That’s priceless! Thank you so much for that! ❤

I think I learned pretty big lesson of myself during that race. I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. I’ve gone through so much in the last year, that where I am now and what I am able to do, is pretty amazing! While I type those words I feel like I’m talking about someone else, but I just have to own this all. Because I did it!

Thank you so much to my support extraordinaire Bjørn, without you it would have been boring and very hard day at the office! Thank you to all my family and friends for your words and support! Thank you to my sponsors! I hope I made all of you as proud as I’m trying to be here :).

PMA ❤IMG_8192

Feeling Myself – Body Positive Post

Yeah, that's me. Few tattoos less but all me.  Photo Joni Helminen

Yeah, that’s me. Few tattoos less but all me.
Photo Joni Helminen

Body positive. Feeling myself. All the self love. Being proud of who you are and loving it all.

That is definitely happening in my life these days. For few months my confidence about myself and especially about my body has just soared, like it has been kept secret and all of sudden I’m allowed to let it all out. I’ve never felt this good about carrying myself when I’m out and about. When I see myself these days on the mirror or a window or whatever, I look at myself and I am genuinely proud. Usually I even say to myself that I look damn fine. Something I should’ve done for so long, but better now than never.

As women, we are supposed to be crazy sexy and this and that all the time, but at the same time we aren’t supposed to be happy with who we are. We shouldn’t be happy with our bodies, because we’ve been told for most of our lives that we aren’t enough and we should be skinnier and have bigger boobs or whatever comes next. I’ve definitely gone through all the changes with myself and still always felt that I’m just not enough. But that fight is finally over. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s the change in myself, maybe it’s all the life experience that I have behind me. Whatever it is, it’s over.

I’m finally happy and proud of my body and who I have inside of it. Damn I love the confidence I carry now. I’m not perfect, and I love that. I feel the sexiest when I’m me. And that’s probably the biggest compliment ever in my life.

Today when I was walking in the city, here in Copenhagen, I was just blown away by the attention I got from guys. Seriously, I’m not used to stuff like that. As someone whose from Finland, where people don’t really go all out on the compliments, this is new to me. Or the other end that I got in Germany, those nasty catcalls and any sexual harassment choices you can think of, that only made me feel unsafe. So when my experiences are something like that, getting nice smiles, looks that are almost appreciative, genuine nice compliments feels pretty damn nice. They boost the confidence I had about myself. Which is the best way to take them. I don’t need them to make me feel confident and sexy, because I feel pretty hot anyways, but they sure make me feel nice.

My body has gone through so much over the years that the fact that I am happy with what I have now, is a miracle. But I’ve found who I am through it all. I don’t need to dress sexy to feel sexy. For example today, I was wearing basic white t-shirt, blue jeans and Blundstone boots, wouldn’t say first that those make you get all the boys to the yard. BUT, this is the thing, I felt damn good in them. I felt that I can conquer the world. I was wearing something that made me feel like me and confident.

And this is a great example that less is more, as in wear what makes you feel confident. Not wear less clothes, or if that makes you feel confident do that. Because we all have different ways to feel confident. But do the thing that really feels good to you.

One of the best feelings in the world is when you just feel yourself and that might come with age, but damn I’m loving it all. When you can just say that I look damn fine and mean it and be proud of it all. You might sound like you’re bragging, I don’t care. Be goddamn proud if you feel like that. IMG_8050

Once I said to myself that I am okay with little extra on my booty and thighs, and that my boobs aren’t as they were before, and that you can see the life I’ve lived on my skin, my life got so much better. Seriously, the moment I accepted who I am. Once I stopped saying that there’s something wrong with me, damn life got better. I want to look and feel real. I want to be strong in and out. I want to be proud of all the hard work I put in and what you can see on my body. I never want to see too skinny, because that’s not me. I want to have a little junk in the trunk, because that makes me feel sexy. I want to be able to sway my ass when I walk and feel feminine. And of course I want to be able to shake that junk on the dance floor.

I love that I have friends who are genuinely proud of their bodies just like they are. Damn we are hot! I get so much power from those ladies, celebrating their gorgeous bodies, in their own ways and in so different bodies. All in all, we all should be proud of what we have. We should accept that perfect is not what we should be, but be real. Real is always better than what you’re not.

My definition of sexy is very different than someone else’s but that’s the beauty of it, we are different and that’s what we should be. I might be wearing the simplest things but if I feel damn hot in them, it shows. It’s that bit of a mystery that makes it all more sexy, in my mind at least.

When you are okay with yourself, with all your imperfections and scars, world just becomes so much better. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never have ugly days or days when you feel like shit, that is normal but if the majority of time you love yourself, you’ll be on the right track.

And couple important things I’ve learned the last couple of years. First, if you’re not happy with something, change it, do not complain about it but are not willing to do anything. Second, when you change, it doesn’t mean that your closest people will see it and say something, so do not expect that boost coming from outside, it has to come from yourself first. If you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t be happy. Point blank.

Things that make me feel sexy in my body: my strong muscular legs, my soft and round booty and hips, my waist that has found it’s shape and is feminine, my small breasts, my wide and warrior like shoulders, my strong jawline and high cheekbones, my crazy blue eyes, my thick hair and my teeth gap.

Things that I’ve learned to do with my body and make me feel confident and sexy: I’ve studied my body and it’s curves and lines and learned how to use them, I’ve danced so much that I’ve learned how to use my body how I want to, I’ve done so many different physical things with my body that I know what it can do and how much it endures, the fact that I am able to do things that many will never even think about makes me feel pretty damn hot, I’ve looked at myself naked so much that I’ve seen myself in many different weights and changes, but ended up being happy with the skin I live in.

I also started doing this thing couple of years ago, and it really works. Every day, when you see yourself in the mirror, always say something nice about yourself to yourself. Preferably out loud. Say I love you. You look good girl. I’m proud of you. Whatever it would be, say it, be proud of yourself and say positive things to yourself and you’ll start seeing yourself in a more positive way. Remember what you think and say to yourself, you become and feel, and your body will believe just that. If it’s negative you will feel shitty and carry the pain in you, and your body will react in that way. If it’s positive, you will feel good and your body will thank you with ability to do what you want.

“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.” – Epiphany

When I end my posts with the letters PMA, I mean them. I actually have them tattooed on my arm. The funny thing is that I got them when I was very far from being and living that, Positive Mental Attitude. Maybe it was a sign that one day I’ll learn the meaning of them. I definitely have. What it means for me is just that, trying to have a positive attitude to everything in life, take those bad and shitty days and moments with an attitude of gratitude and learn from them all. All that comes back to how I see myself and my body. I would not be able to see myself like I do these days without my whole mindset changing. It’s impossible. We are a whole thing, not one part good and others bad.

As a woman, as a big sister, I want to be an example to others and younger girls that being who we are is so powerful. I want to show that being honest and raw and real are so amazing. That mistakes and scars are the thing that makes us beautiful. That sex and being sexy is so much more than being naked and in tiny clothes. That being a bit different is so good. And smile is always the best accessory to carry with.

So all in all, attention from guys is a nice bonus, but not the definition of who I am or how hot I feel I am. That all needs to come from myself, I need to see myself in that way and then others see it too.

Let’s be proud of what we have, all that we have. Don’t ever let someone make you feel like the real you is bad! Let’s celebrate our differences. Let’s celebrate our curves, our skinny sisters, all the shapes and sizes there is. We all are equally beautiful! Who run the world, GIRLS! ❤

PMA ❤

Body Appreciation

IMG_6769I’ve been having a hard time with accepting my evolving body.

It’s not only about the fact that all this running and trying to eat better obviously has changed how I look but realizing that I’m getting older and how that effects the skin I live in.

For some reason it’s super hard for me to see the true me when I look in the mirror. When I was at my biggest, I was around 80kg and I’ve gone from that to less than 60kg and everything in between. And that has left marks on my body and a relationship that is not the best at times.

I’ve always felt that I have quite masculine built in me, broad shoulders for a girl, hard jawline. Without any make up I look kind of androgynous… Not sure if the strength and power in that all always pleases me, though in a way it’s pretty amazing. Not that bad to look strong.

But it’s always made me feel that I don’t know how I truly want to look, and what to wear, is my ass too big for this and that. No joke, just in reality it’s been too this and that quite a few times. And if I’ve found what I want to wear, I feel like I’m the poor mans version. Why?! Why do I see the “flaws” first when looking at the photo in the beginning of this post. Why don’t I see that strong ass back of mine, which carries me everyday. How amazing it is to have a strong back?!

And my relationship with food has been really weird for, well pretty much my whole adult life. I still haven’t found a way to have a healthy relationship with food. Struggle is definitely real. I’ve always been a feeling eater, no matter how I felt, I always ate. Or didn’t eat, I’ve had those periods too. Not completely off from food but when I felt confused with all else, I think I was controlling at least that part. And the same goes with eating too much crap. Chips/crisps… my eternal battle. Whether I feel bad or good, I always go for them. Even though they are the sole reason, pretty much, that I weighted that 80kg. They make me feel like shit most of the time, but of that salty yum.

And now… I’m getting old, at least I’ve understood that. So, how my body takes this all now. All of sudden all that became real and I thought to myself, shit I can’t do whatever all the time anymore and wish for some magic trick to save me.

The truth is that I’m terrified of really looking how I know that I want to and I already did few months ago, before I totally freaked out and sabotaged the whole thing. Yay! I have that all in me, I just need to believe that I’m 100% worth it and I’m allowed to be damn proud of my hot body!

I have those moments, that I look at myself and think that I’m beautiful and hot and sexy, but lately I’ve been really lost and just don’t find that confidence in myself and try to seek it from somewhere else, without getting it and obviously seeking something like that doesn’t really help, it just messes with your head. You feel like your worth is based solely on your looks and oh my, I’m so much more than that! I just need to realize and truly see how amazing I am these days! IMG_6774

That part of myself annoys me so much, to put myself down like that and not seeing how huge of a difference is the me today and the me two years ago! I’m mad that I feel that I need that outside confirmation of my looks to believe it, and would I even believe it if someone said it… Because I’m really shitty at taking any kind of compliment. So a bit of a catch something something.

The thing is that when you change as much as I have in such a short amount of time, it would be weird to not be confused but when all these new feelings come and try to trip you over, that stuff is a lot to take.

Since I’ve started feeling better about myself, I’ve started feeling stronger, more feminine, sexier, powerful and just more like goddess. Yeah, that’s the word. I’m able to stand in front of people and be all yeah this is me! But I also still compare myself to others, because I’m not strong enough yet.

But I think we all need a confirmation of this all, we need someone to come to us and say that Damn! It’s natural. That’s what I feel that I need, though I do try to say that to myself when looking in the mirror. Because I need to be thinking like I’m the hottest, it has to come from me.

Before I wanted to blend in the back round, now I want to be standing proud and be bravely ME! I think my presence needs to match my loud laugh haha :D.

I am so proud of who I am and am becoming, so so proud! Because first time ever, it’s only me whose done it all, no one else, only me. And I should be proud!

I want to accept that this all is part of my journey and it’s natural to be all confused but I also need to remember how far I’ve come already. And the great thing is that I have no idea where I’m going, but I do know that it will be amazing!

I want to be fiercely proud of my hard work and achievements, that’s my goal! And I am hot! Goddamn!IMG_6755