Blessing In Disguise

IMG_5684The past month, my life has taken huge leaps to a better and the fact has taken me in like a hurricane…

Meaning so many good and exciting things that I’ve forgotten what makes me feel deeply good and calm, and jumped on to this adrenaline roll and pushed on like a little steam train. In the expense of my health and happiness. But sometimes not getting what you want is the only way to go forward.

Last week I was on my happy cloud, but forgot to eat and sleep enough and my body and mind tried to tell me but I wasn’t listening any of that, so Friday my whole body shut down for the day. And I finally listened. It made me stop and think again what I’m doing and how.

I am a stubborn one, and I seem to keep this aspect of myself with myself through everything. Maybe I’m a bit better in it but still I get these moments when I’m wondering how far I need to go before I remember to listen to my body, who just happens to be wayyyy smarter than me.

I also noticed that I am so desperate to have some normality in my life that I was willing to do anything. Not that that was expected from me, but I made myself think that.

But when I forgot the things that are important to me, that bring me peace and power, running and writing. I am doomed. Those are the things that have given me new life and all of sudden I forgot them. I am actually quite disappointed in myself, because I’ve worked so damn hard to get myself away from that kind of neglecting. But then again, I can’t punish myself for something I know that I can change.

The thing is, that I’ve been living my life so differently the past two years and now I’m trying to adjust to all this new, good and bad, mostly just challenging. But the hardest part is to keep listening to myself and have enough alone time to do the things that keep me balanced. And that is a challenge, but I’m willing to take that one on too. One step at a time, learning something every step.

Remember to be healthy selfish and take those precious moments for yourself. Sometimes that moment when you feel that you lost something, it might be a blessing in disguise.

PMA โค

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How Do I Live With My Depression

IMG_5147Today is the World Mental Health Day and I felt really strongly that I want to write about my depression again. Because it still didn’t magically disappear.

So… How do I live with my depression?

Over the course of the past two years I have found ways that really work well with balancing my depressive mind. I have been working towards this for my whole life, and it has been the hardest battle that I will ever have to fight. And it’s a constant battle, but I am on a right path.

NutritionIMG_4996

I started changing my food choices about two years ago. I saw this documentary called “Hungry For Change” and it really hit me hard. At the time when I saw it I was in a really bad and deep depression. I don’t remember what it was that really made me think “I have two choices, either I keep being how I have been until now or I change everything now and try to improve this life of mine”. But the point is that they talked about depression and how the stuff you eat makes it either worse or better. So there was a clear reason for me to understand and try something new.

So the first things that I did was weave processed foods and drinks away from my diet, not the easiest of things to do. Have you ever tried to get rid of sugars and highly processed foods? Our brain is addicted to them, because the foods and drinks are made of terrible things that make our brain need them… Scary, I would say.

I started feeling better, started loosing weight which made me feel better, because when I saw myself in the mirror I go even more depressed. I felt that I had more energy and I was happier. This all happened slow, not like over night or anything, but fast enough for me to notice.

At the moment I am pretty much plant based or a vegan, how ever you want to say it. For me, my mind and body that is the best way for me to keep going. I still have these moments when I just crave cheese… Then I taste it and it tastes really bad, so I kind of have left that one too. Once I got rid of this mindset that I have to give up foods, all got easier. The truth is that the choices in plant based nutrition are endless, you just have to be open to exploring.

I also want to be honest, during the last two years I have gone in and out of this choice to clean my nutrition. I am an addict when it comes to certain foods and when you have a mental health issues, you are not always the strongest when it comes to deciding what to eat, even if it makes you feel like shit. It’s about that moment of good feeling, even if the shitty feeling comes about five minutes later. Or the guilty feeling. So I have learnt to try to be more gentle with myself and just try my best. That’s all I can do!

RunningIMG_5148

Yeah, running has saved my life! It’s not a hobby, it’s who I am.

The main reason why I started running is that I knew that I have to start doing some physical exercise to feel better. I had old running sneakers, purely for fashion reasons, but good enough for me to use them. The first time I went for a run, my amazing boyfriend came with me and we fast realized that we should not run together haha, but I wanted to keep going. So I did. And I did have this small “relapse” after the first couple of months of that adrenaline happiness. Then I came back to it and now I am still here. I know for a fact, that if I wouldn’t kept running I am not sure that I would still be here.

It’s a noun fact that physical activity balances our mental issues. But for people like me, with bigger problems than everyday stress, it works miracles. These days I notice right away if I haven’t run in a couple of days. The person I am now and who I was two years ago… completely different and only for the better! So I will keep running and dreaming of all the amazing things I can do and have already done with running.

Running is the reason why I love myself, respect myself, know that I can and can’t lie to myself anymore that I can’t. It makes me feel free, beautiful, strong, like a warrior!

It’s a constant challenge and that is exactly why I keep going.

Faith

And I don’t mean religion with that. I mean a way of thinking and using your mind the way that it works the best for you.

I have some religious past in my life, for a short period of time, but I do. For me the way of someone else making the plans and rules for you didn’t work. I had too many questions and that was a problem. What I did have from that time is the ability to pray and calm in that moment. I have been praying on and off, and every time I pray more constantly I notice that I feel more grounded and calmer. I have always taken it more as a talk to a friend, giving thanks and talking about those fears and dreams of mine, asking for patience or guidance. I don’t know who I talk to but it makes me feel better so I keep doing it. My mind feels clearer when I pray.

I am also really into PMA = Positive Mental Attitude, I even have it tattooed on my arm as a reminder. I haven’t always been too positive and it took me a long time after getting that tattoo that I can really act positively. These days I try to tackle all situations first with a positive outlook and ask myself if there even is anything negative or a reason to panic or go all crazy angry.

Lately I have been really interested in Buddhism, as it’s not a religion, it’s more of a way of life. Do the best you can and that is enough, don’t do harm to others with your actions. The more I read about it, the more I feel that I have been a closet practiser of Buddhism. I will learn more and see how I feel. No have to, only interest and learning more.

And the more I learn and read about running, faith, nutrition, anatomy, whatever, the better I feel. Books are my religion :).

Talking

I have always been really blessed with ability to talk about my feelings and through my bad moments. It’s been a savior for sure. I have been going to therapy before in my life and now after moving back home, I went for a “check up”. The fact that I am open with asking for help these days is a huge thing! I highly recommend talking, whether it’s a professional or a friend, please do it even though it’s hard. It will help so much!

I never wanted to take any antidepressant drugs because I felt and still feel that I need to be without them one day so why would I start. But I do respect people who feel that that is the help for them.

So with these things I am in this amazing place in my life. They help me, maybe some of them could help you. If there’s anything anyone wants to ask, please do. I am happy to answer! ๐Ÿ™‚

And people with no mental issues or who of you who doesn’t understand how this all feels… Please try to respect the ones who are hurting, this is not an easy task to have everyday. Let’s be good to each other, let’s love and help each other. You are not alone!

LOVE. PMA. HUGS.IMG_4995

All This New

IMG_4244Yes, all this new!

I was on a long walk today with my dog and realised that I really just want to move already. It was one of the funniest feelings in a very long time.

Just last week I made the decision that I will move back to Finland, where I haven’t lived in 2 years. Oh, it will be so interesting to go back.

I will definitely have some kind of super reverse culture shock. That will be interesting!

I am also filled with ideas what to do, how to make my blog better and more this and that. My head is just bubbling with ideas. It hasn’t been this giddy in long time, so this is nice :).

Things that also make me happy about moving back are things like, finally going to start yoga at my friends yogastudio, Pihasali. I’m finally going to learn how to knit, thanks to my Mom. I get to go to the gym with my rockstar Mom, muscles here I come! I get to see my friends more than one afternoon in 6 months. And I get to see my family!

But the main thing for me is that I actually want to move and go back there. I haven’t wanted that in 2 years. I really didn’t want to go back.

For me going back before was like the biggest loser mark on my forehead. Like I gave up on something. But hell no I am not!

How much have I changed in these 2 years?! Insanely.

Did I care about myself two years ago, not much. Did I run and have friends all over the world, nope. Was I part of the best running crew, Still Waters Run Deep, well hell no I wasn’t. But now I am. And in a week I get to run with my crewmates in my Granmas honor here in Copenhagen! BOOM!

I have a feeling that there are some big things poppin’ soon! So I have planned and I believe that the universe agrees with me!

So let’s just end this to an super positive note!

Gratitude. PMA. Peace. Love. Blessed. Undoordinary. Breath. YES!IMG_4729

 

Luckiest Girl In The World!!

Oh yes! I am the luckiest girl in the world!! This birthday of mine today has been the best birthday ever! It has overwhelmed and humbled me to the core and I’ve never felt this loved and blessed.

I have been shying away from having birthdays for many many years and I didn’t have any plans for this big 30 either, but oh boy was I surprised with huge amount of love!

It all started on the moment when the day changed… My dear friend was waiting to clock to hit midnight and the second it did, she pulled a gift from her bag and gave me nicest birthday speech ever. I had to dug my head in her hear because I was about to cry :). And the gift is so me and she made it for me, how awesome is that!! She’s so talented and I love her!!

Then this morning after waking up I skyped with my family in Finland and they even sang to me, winning!! It was so amazing to see my family and just made my heart fill up with warmth and happiness, love you!!

Couple of days ago, I gave myself a promise that on my birthday I will run an long run to celebrate this new chapter, and I did!! I wanted to run 18 km to check how it feels and to make me ready for next sunday for the Berlin Half Marathon.

This run was the best in so many months, felt so amazing! I just ran out of pure happiness. My shin pain was pretty much gone and even got better as in no pain at all, so nice! I felt light, free, blessed, humbled, happy, strong. I even got back to my favorite running place, when you don’t think anything and just in away are in this meditative mindset, it’s the Bombzz! Also there was this moment where I ran past an buss stop and looked at myself and said to myself ” You look Strong!” and I am, so strong and I need to remember that!

When I got back home I was just smiling and feeling amazing and I knew that my wish of having tacos for birthday breakfast was cooking and soon ready. Lucky me :). But as I was told to go away from the kitchen for a little, I didn’t ever could thought of what’s coming! I was greeted with gifts from my dear friend and my boyfriend and some pirate themed party gifts! I got so overwhelmed about all of this that I just stared and couldn’t move and ended up crying :).

Today has been the best day ever! I’m so happy to start this new chapter, new age and all of the new doors that I have in my future! Thank you to all who have remembered me, means so much, I feel extremely lucky and blessed and this day has humbled me to the core!!

LOVE!

This song was playing when I was running and I felt so strongly that it’s my new Me singing to my old Me. I have chosen my battles and I am winning now for sure! ๐Ÿ™‚

 

I’m Back!!

 

I ran today!! I decided that I have to try it eventually. I was terrified and scared. I was so worried that my leg would hurt and my dreams of the Half Marathon are gone.

I was checking the starting time of the Half this morning and on the website is a “clock” of how long till the race day, and it said 6 weeks and that woke me up. I realized that I have to try if I want to run even some part of it :).

I was super nervous when I put my running stuff on and my dog was getting excited too. I thought that it’s the best option to go out with my dog, and if my leg starts hurting I can just keep walking with him.

When the trail started I took a deep breath and take those careful first steps, all felt good. I was so happy!! I took it super easy, with the words “Listen To Your Body” like a mantra in my head and for 4 km I kept going, with some walking in between.

I feel now, that I’m back, like I got my Self back. I felt that I got my motivation back, which is amazing!

Now I have to remember to take it slowly and listen to my body, but I’m BACK and that’s the most important thing to me!!