The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner

Like the book title says, even though I haven’t read that particular one.

There’s something pleasant about ultra training, not the same pressure as with big road races. In a way, no one cares what you do. You can train on your own, at your own pace.

But it also makes this all a bit more lonely. And the more I have friends all over the world, the lonelier this feels. Training alone without friends to run with is getting me down, for the first time. Before this I haven’t ever really thought about it, yes a little of course but not in a way that it’s getting me down… Now I feel that I miss all my friends like crazy.

Maybe it’s because I’m feeling more and more that I’m not supposed to live in Finland more than I need to. I’m noticing how my whole being wants to go already, though I know that I’m not yet. The next time I am leaving, I’m going to do it with a proper planning and smart approach. I’ve tried the other way of leaving and it’s not the way I want to do ever again.

I think I might be a bit depressed by my surroundings. Winter in Southern Finland isn’t that amazing, most of the time it’s just slush and ice all over the place. Trails around me are so icy that it’s almost impossible to run them and seeing photos of people running on beautiful trails around the world. I’m trying to make the best of what I have but there are moments when it’s just so bloody hard. And now is one of those days.

I’ve probably just had too rough of a week behind. Dehydrated for sure. A lot of dealing with my own fears and hurdles. Amazing moment with the longest run. Food choices that don’t make any sense. And because of them, the worst feeling ever.

I know this is a journey, and that I should try to keep my focus on the big picture but oh my it’s hard at times. I do have amazing support, but the thing is that majority of it is physically away from me and I’m really missing my support in real life. I have a major deficiency for hugs :(.

But the good thing is that I’ve been getting back to training and done way more strength training than before, and I’m feeling the benefits already. I’m getting in that training mode, even if it feels hard. It’s for the right way on my journey. I have to remember that it’s okay to feel down at times, it’s natural in this situation but I don’t need to let it eat my happiness all the way.

I saw this amazing note to self photo today…IMG_6527

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I Believe. Again.

IMG_6468I needed to shake myself out of the slump I was in, when it came to my dreams and goals and running and training. Which means one thing. Me.

My motivation with training and running has been super low. I knew and realized what is coming and how soon, but nothing in me made me want to get up and go. I had to make myself do it. Pushing without wanting it. I was terribly afraid. Of the distance. Afraid of the fear.

This Monday I was talking to a dear friend about this, and he said few simple things that woke me up just enough to get a bit of a fight in me again. That night I knew that on Tuesday I will run furthest I’ve ever ran before. And that would be 30km. My longest run before had been for a good year, 28,8km. And I knew that I need to go over that to believe that I can, that I have it all in me.

I told this plan to a friend on Monday night, and he gave me an excellent advice, just run. I needed to hear that.

On Tuesday morning I was eating breakfast, watching trail running videos and while watching, I noticed that I was tearing up. I had this question in my mind… Am I tearing up because that truly is my biggest dream and goal OR because I know deep down inside that it’s not what I’m supposed to do?

I got the last and the best supportive words from my boyfriend and off I went. Btw, if any of you are as lucky and blessed as I am with a significant other who supports you and your dreams as much as mine, you are there!IMG_6479

For the first km I just kept saying to myself that “just run, nothing else, just run”. Β And after a while that was all I did, and the km just passed like nothing. I explored for the first time in my life, I had no idea where I was going, but I just kept going. Found this amazing route going next to the seashore. Loving every step. Listening to the world around me. Thinking about whatever popped to my head. Stopped on top of a cliff to look at the frozen sea. I needed every step of that.

The moment when I realized that I did it, I ran 30km, I teared up and had to say it to myself out loud! You did it! You!IMG_6493

I found myself again, I was back. I felt amazing, like I haven’t just run 30km.

That 30km meant everything to me, everything.

I believe in myself. Again. And my motivation is back. I want this all and more. Listen to your dreams and go after them!

PMA ❀

Shitty Days

IMG_6443Today was a Shitty Day.

Woke up with a massive headache, felt just in general down and sad. Little anger and frustration thrown in. A perfect start to my day I would say…

The thing is, that I am bad at letting myself have a shitty day these days. I feel straight away guilty, of something. Which is stupid on all levels possible. Because sometimes we just feel down and mad and sad and angry and frustrated, that’s it. And that’s totally okay. But in my head it seems to be either or…

It’s been such a push and work to get my general mindset more to positive that I think I don’t have the balance yet for both. And also, I haven’t felt this pissed off in a long time. Maybe I was just caught of guard.

I’m so insanely proud of myself that I got so mad that I just stormed to the gym and kicked my own ass with super good and hard workout. Haven’t happened before, so I’m pretty stoked about this! I was blasting music and really getting in that angry mode when you just have a stank face on and you push yourself, that one more!

This song pretty much was my motivator today.

The thing is, that I need to realize that it’s totally okay to feel pissed off at times, it cleans us. It makes us talk about things that have been bottling up and even though they are hard to say, it’s needed from time to time. But be prepared to feel extra exhausted after this all, that’s pretty much what’s going on here. All levels off exhaustion, little crying in the middle. This all is needed! Remember that it’s needed and okay!! And just like guilt is a great motivator, so is anger. And today that made me push myself way harder at the gym I knew that I could. BOOM!

Little Bad Girlism to get you in the stank face mood! πŸ˜‰

To Sum Up 2014

IMG_6288For a good couple of weeks I’ve felt that I need to sum up 2014, mostly for myself. Though I think it’s nice to get it out there.

But the main thing is that I don’t seem to understand how much good has happened to me this past year. Others seem to see it, but I’m in this weird bubble of not realizing.

Today I went through my blog for the past year, checking the posts that I’ve written. Noticing how much has happened in really short time. Mostly really good things, a lot of doubt, some deep depression, and a lot of running. I’ve lost a lot in 2014, but I think I’ve gained even more.

The Spring was a lot of down moments, injuries and learning from them. And falling into depression from that all, but getting up and running my first Half Marathon in Berlin. Getting adopted to a running crew, Still Waters Run Deep MCR, to have a running family to call mine. Having my first interview, on Reason To Play, crazy important to me. Thank you Karen! I turned 30, and was stoked about that. Had the best birthday party with tacos and so much love! Trying to find who I am and what I want in my life. Finding so many new friends, the closest these days. Finally broke that 1000km that I was chasing. Started to train for my first Marathon that I never ran. Visiting family in Finland with a new mindset and had the best time.

The Summer time, wow! Things really started to move forward, there were a lot of things happening in Hannover, not nice things, that pushed me forward. Ran the nicest Half in Hackney, taking a crewmember and close friend to the finish line, Jamie, I’ll always keep that memory super close to my heart! That time in London got me so much more me, that I had been yearning. And got me so amazing new friends that boom! Those new friends helped me with the next chapter in my life. I finally admitted to myself that I need to move away from Germany, to be able to be truly happy. And all of sudden I was moving to Copenhagen to an amazing adopting family, Christina and the kids, you in my heart! πŸ™‚

CHEER DEM CREW !!!!

CHEER DEM CREW !!!!

The Fall… I moved to Copenhagen, realized that I am in a long distance relationship for real. Had the most amazing first two weeks in my new home city and then the bomb dropped with full force. My Grandma passed away. It felt like all stopped. I was alone in a new place, couldn’t say my goodbyes, even though I knew that we had said all that we wanted. But still, her passing threw my whole life upside down. All of sudden I was so lost and didn’t know what to do. And one day I knew what I need to do, I need to move back home to Finland to be with my family. So I made the decision and this huge burden lifted from my shoulders. But before that I ran the Copenhagen Half in my Grandmas memory, to take the medal to her grave. I got the change to be my last weekend with all my international running family and my crew members, could not ask for anything better in that time of my deepest sadness. So much love and support that it just took over all the pain and carried me on. Thank you to all of you! ❀IMG_4888-0

And then I was back in Finland. My own family had been ripped in three, one in Germany, me in Finland and even my longest familymember, my dog had to be away from me. He has the best “step”home now, with his amazing Uncle :). No love lost there! But being without him and my bf isn’t the easiest, day by day situation but we do the best we can.IMG_6323

I had to deal or try to deal with the loss of my Grandma. Still no idea how at times, but day by day that gets easier. Trying to remember all the good, and there are a lot of those moments.

Living at my parents place, confused but happy to be with my family. All of sudden starting my new job, after not working for good three years. Just jumping in the deep end. Enjoying and terrified at the same time. Seeing Helsinki in new eyes, seeing way more good than ever before. But noticing that I am here only for little while, my journey is still not ready for settling in one place. At this time I wrote my first piece for Pavement Bound, new amazing website about all things running, where I’m one of the contributors at the moment.image (2)

And then things just started going forward so fast that I am still trying to figure out what is going on… I started running only in a forest, really giving myself the change to learn how to be in silence with myself and the nature. Really knowing that that is my happyplace and I just have no interest in running on the road if I don’t have to anymore. I had already signed for my first Ultra, Fyr til Fyr, this April in Bornholm, but I wanted more. So I signed up for White Rose Ultra, which is going to be in UK, also it’s going to be a 100KM. Dreams are meant to be making true!

I found this amazing new brand from Finland, called Arctic Warriors and I contacted them. And after some mails, I had them as my first sponsor for my Goals2015! They make the most amazing supplements, all locally grown and using old knowledge with the plants in them. Then when I was just searching for a Patagonia jacket and ended up finding one at Ruoto For Flyfishing store, talking more and more with the owner, Joonas. Ending the conversation to the deal of me being a trail running ambassador for their store, using Patagonia! Just maybe a week before this, I told to my friend that my goal is to be a runner for Patagonia! πŸ˜€ Not there yet, but the door is open and I’m ready for the adventure!IMG_5249

I started yearning simpler life and wrote a piece here about wanting a dirtbaggery life. And just before Christmas I was chosen to be an ambassador for Dirtbag Runners, which was insane dream come true!image (3)

So how can I sum up this year?! It’s been the hardest and the best year ever in my life! Every day brings something new, most of the time I have no idea what is coming and I’m slowly starting to be okay with it. My family is all over the place, my friends are even more all over the place and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world! Never had this much support and love in my life. I never knew that I can be in this great place with myself after all what’s happened. But here I am, sometimes sobbing my eyes out but most of the time smiling, because everything is pretty great and I am pushing forward, doubt and all. I definitely forgot a lot from here, but the main point is that I am in a good place and my dreams are getting closer to being reality every day. I have to believe in myself and them and they will come true! The struggle might be real but I have amazing belief in going through it no matter what haha :).

Thank you to all that I have in my life, I could not go through this year without you. Your love and support are the biggest blessings in my life and I am so grateful to have family and friends all over the world. Thank you! ❀ IMG_6294

That Time Of The Year

Yes, that time of the year, when most people sum up their year and I noticed today that I’m doing that too. Not the way that I hoped though…

As usual flu seems to get me so down that it almost feels embarrassing, and this time was no exception. I had big plans on how to end my 2014, but I got this massive zombieflu that has taken me out for over a week.

So I have been feeling down and all kinds of fears of missing out on everything, and when I started getting all my frustration out, the real reason hit me.

It’s this time of the year, which doesn’t usually make me feel nothing special, as I am adult with no kids. But I realized that this year is going to be different in so many ways. Four months ago I lost my Grandma. And she has always been the person who have made Christmas as special as it can be.

If that isn’t enough, in the past four month, my life has changed so much that I still don’t feel that I understand what’s going in on. I feel that the past month I have been going forward in a fog. Just pushing through without any idea what I am doing. I’ve felt that all is just piling up and I can’t catch the end and get it all figured.

Four months isn’t that long time, which I have to remind myself all the time, without believing it.

At the same time as I should have been grieving and thinking of myself and giving myself time, I’ve felt that I’ve only been there for others. Pushed on and stayed strong for others, like it’s my job. I’ve been so exhausted most of the time that I’ve been going on like with some autopilot.

I know how being and feeling numb feels from depression, but this is completely new. I’ve never pushed on this strong in my life. And now I’m not sure if I’ve gotten that much for myself. Other than what I know… I’ve been super hard on myself the whole four months. I’ve made myself feel super guilty if I haven’t been able to do something, or if I’ve been sick, like I could do anything to that.

On top of that guilt tripping I’m trying to figure out where and how and this and that with my life, so in short, will I stay in Finland or where I will be in a year. And on top of that I have the biggest year coming, for me the biggest year.

There are moments when I just want to have a break from my head. It annoys me so much that I know that I should just take this all day at a time, but I don’t give myself any break in doing so.

And in the past four months I’ve had mostly amazing new things happening to me, but at the time, all I can think of is that I won’t be with my favorite people this Christmas. All of sudden this Christmas is way bigger than it maybe should. All of sudden I feel really alone.

I just really miss my Grandma. The fact that she won’t be with us, is slowly but painfully sinking in.

Next week I will have my first Christmas without her, but at the same time my first chance to have some time for myself, so maybe this is my time to get that break from all everyday stuff and just go day by day with all. I really think I need this. I’m not even at home surrounded with all normal, I’m in a place where I really can breath and have that break.

But I have to admit that I am afraid of that exact thing. To have that time to actually feel all that has been bottling inside me is terrifying.

Other thing that makes me feel a bit annoyed and confused is how important running is to me. Now that I haven’t been able to run, I’ve felt like I have nothing. That is partly because of me being sick, it always happens when I have a flu and I can’t run.

Running is such an life changing thing for me that I am terrified if I couldn’t do it.

There are couple of things I need to address next week, to be able to go forward in my life. And I know that they aren’t anything that can be sorted in a week but it’s a start and in a way I can’t wait to have that break.

But I really need this. I have to give time for myself and a moment to realize what has happened, without the need to rush on.