Blips of Loneliness

wp-1480357086390.pngI noticed it last Friday, for the first time in a very long time, I felt lonely. In that way that swallows your whole being under it like a heavy blanket. In a way that doesn’t even really need saving but just to be there, let the feeling be “out” and move on. But it was still there, and it made me really think why it even came for a visit.

I’ve been so content with my lone life for over a year that this feeling felt just weird, like a unknown dark veil. Me being able to be on my own and liking the way I am capable of being alone a lot has always been a blessing and a curse for me. It let’s me charge my batteries, it let’s me think my thoughts which I really like to do, I love to be in my own head and just do some mind work. I’ve always been good at being on my own and figuring out what to do on my own, I don’t mind seeing no one in few days or more. I don’t need other people to make me feel whole. But there’s also the downside that I tend to be so good at this that I kind of over do it every now and then. And then I get this feeling that “will I end up being alone for the rest of my life, because no one even knows that I exist, as I really like to be on my own”.  And as the truth is that no one will come to your door and ask you out or “to play”.

The older we get the less we have these accidental places and moments in our lives for meeting new people or old friends, as we have been granted with the opportunity of making our lives the way we want them to be. Some like to be surrounded with friends or other people all the time, I tend to like my solitude to an extend where I feel lonely at times.

The more you learn to know yourself, the more you find ways that make you happy with your life. The more I’ve learn about who I am, that I am an introvert, that I happen to be an highly sensitive person, I’ve learned to accept the ways those help me understand myself and the surrounding world and how I need to listen to my body and mind closer than I did before when I didn’t know what those amazing and sometimes hard traits are that make me the me I am.

I’m no stranger to feeling lonely, I’ve felt that a lot in my life, but for the past year, I’ve been more or less really happy with who I am, being single and living my life with all that it’s thrown at me. And this year has not been easy, by any measurements. It’s taken more out of me than I knew could happen, but I’ve learned to know myself even more once again. For such a long time, I felt that I will just feel lonely and that it’s, but that was before I understood, really understood that before you love and accept yourself, you will never be content with yourself and your life.

But this past weekend, the loneliness really kicked in. I don’t know if it’s the time of the year, every possible ad and commercial is about being together and loving and all that squishy lovely stuff and finding that perfect present for “that” person. Is it that the age I am now that majority of the people around you, tend to have significant others and families, that people like me are the minority not majority. I haven’t even thought about that I would want to have someone in my life for quite some time, and that didn’t really come to me now either. And noticing and being honest about that makes me sure that I still need some “me time” before I can even really think about sharing my life with someone else. All though if I’m truly, utterly honest I do miss being close to someone at times, or that butterfly feeling in your belly or that cheek hurting smiling, BUT still it’s not enough for me to actually do anything about the whole thing. That’s how much I’m happy with my life right now.

And I also have to admit that me being pretty much always the one who has made the first move, and all my experiences in my past has made me extremely careful about even considering anything. I’ve noticed that I actually want the other one to make that first move, and make me feel special and wanted.

But the pure heaviness of the feeling last Friday was pretty overwhelming. It was so “right now”. I noticed myself just walking in the city with my headphones on and looking at people as they were rushing around after work, going to their company Christmas parties, buying frantically Christmas presents, or holding hands and smiling to each other. I don’t know why and how it was such a strong emotion all of sudden.

What I’ve started to do to challenge myself these days is to sign up for things that I haven’t tried ever before and with that having new experiences, meeting new people that I wouldn’t other wise, placing myself outside my comfort zone. I have plans like these for 2017, to really just do things that I’ve wanted for some time but just haven’t done anything to them.

But with all this, I also felt strongly that it’s good to feel lonely at times, if you would never feel that you would never think about if you wanted to change something or if it was just a moment or what. Loneliness isn’t the worst kind of feeling when it’s “controlled”, when you’re able to acknowledge it and sit in peace with it. It is an issue that you need to address when it’s eating you whole and you feel like there’s nothing you can do about it. But I really wish that you understand and remember that you’re not alone and there’s always someone ready to listen and be there with you.

As the year is coming to an end, a lot of thoughts and feelings raise their heads and make us think of what we’ve done this past year, if we’re happy with our lives and what we would like to change if there is something. The darkness outside is really pushing us down but we just need to breath few more times and push back and move on. It’s not hopeless, and you’re not really alone.

PMA ❤

Friends Like Mine – Quality Over Quantity

IMG_7958-1I had one of the best runs tonight, one of those that make you feel like you are on top of the world. And it’s all because of the company I had.

Lately I’ve really realized how truly blessed and lucky I am to have the people I have in my life. I’ve always been quite a lone wolf, but these days I am just overflowing in happiness and smiles. And that’s “just” all the people I have around me, all around the world. The people I really have and let close to me are just insanely amazing!

I remember when I was younger how I always wanted to be one of those popular ones who have all the friends and who people want to spend their time with, well I was never that one because I was just too picky. That’s the truth. And because always made my life a lot harder than it really needed to be. And if someone was a friend, I was so terrified of losing them that I probably suffocated them with all that I had. This all obviously came from me being really insecure with myself and not really sure who I was and really didn’t love myself.

I had to fall really deep to start loving myself, which means that now I am able to love others. It’s not selfish anymore, I love and be there for others because I get so much out from it. It’s not a situation where I expect to get anything, I just give and am happy with that. Because that’s what love is, something you give without any expectations.

So now, I have no interest in being that popular one, because I am so happy with what I have. All the people I call more family than friends, the ones I love with all my heart like I do all, but the ones that are in my heart in a special way. There’s people I’ve known for quite long and people who I just met couple months ago, but have so so special place in my heart, that I hope they will be there forever. Because life without them just wouldn’t feel as amazing as now.

I am a firm believer in Universe and it making the moves that we should have in our lives, if we just let it and are open to it. And I feel that I’m finally letting go and letting it do the moves I deserve to have. Because I do deserve as much good as any other here. And we all deserve all the good. Someone being happy, isn’t anything away from someone else. IMG_7956

After my last relationship I made few promises to myself, that I want to be 100% who I am, with all I am. That honest and loving one I am. The one who genuinely means what she says. The one who is not in a hurry and loves peace more than anything else. Being this open isn’t always the easiest but still I don’t want to change a thing, nothing. I feel like I’ve never been this happy, in peace and just able to really listen what is in me and around me too.

I also made a challenge for myself when I moved to Copenhagen. I need to be more social and challenge myself with those situations that I am terribly afraid, which means being in a group of people I don’t know. Or in general in a group of people. So far all of those moments have made me feel so good, that I think I’ll keep doing that. And it’s not that serious if you made a fool out of you at times, that’s part of this. Being who you are even if someone doesn’t understand you or thinks that you are a total idiot.

I’ve also challenged myself for some time with something that has always been really hard for me. I want to actually let people in, in my life and give them a change to show me that it’s okay to let them close. But at the same time I’ve learned to set boundaries in all that. Which is equally important.

I’ve made the conscious decision to not let certain people close, because I’ve had enough of negativity in my life, so I want to surround myself with people that appreciate who I am and that’s it. We are who we spend time with, so I want to be happy and positive and encouraging and loving, so I’ll surround myself with that kind of people. It might sound really selfish but it’s being healthy selfish and good for me and my future.

But since I’ve found this peace, I’ve been able to be there for people in a whole new way. I’m able to take myself out of the situation if it has nothing to do with me, not giving my two cents in something that isn’t anything to do with me. I am able to be there for them and listen and ask the questions that might challenge them in a way they haven’t thought about things yet. But mostly just be there.

And I am able to love, like never before. And I intend to keep doing just that. So the one who has my heart, you’re about get all that has been bubbling in me so long and all that’s there now. And the funny thing is that for the first time I’m not in a hurry, I know that I am on the right path. Day at a time is the way to go. With all the ups and downs, because they are all part of this, and I would not change a thing. IMG_7772

This is all part of my own journey, growing older, maybe a bit wiser while at it. I am so happy that I’ve gone through so much, pure hell, in my life. Because without all those moments when I just wanted to disappear and give up because I didn’t see anything good or any light at the end of the tunnel, I would not be who I am now. And I absolutely love myself! I don’t even understand all this always, but I rather have this all than whatever I had before. All of my past, it made me stronger and courageous and so damn loving, and why the heck would I change any of that, just because I am afraid at times?!

So, I will keep on my “lovers gonna love” path and keep being me. ❤

PMA ❤ and be sure to check the video below from our cheerzone at the Copenhagen Marathon, you might see this little one hugging one of her best friends while he’s running :).