When Passion Turns Into Doubts And Fear

wp-1476214605352.pngI feel little nervous even writing now, it feels that it’s so long since I last wrote a piece that felt something and made me fear to get it out a bit. Usually those are the ones that give the most after they are done.

I’m on the verge of recovering myself again, once again. The me I’ve been last year or the two years ago is so far from the me I am now. And the me I am now, I’m not even sure who that is, I am am very much in the search of that Me.

This year has completely thrown me on a spin of feelings that I did not expect and got very off guard because of them and how they truly made me feel. The things that were my biggest passions have dwindled into things that I feel no interest in doing and am really pushing to being interest again, as I know in the deepest place in me that they do bring me joy and support in a way that not others can.

When I started this blog, I remember how the words just flew off from my fingers and writing was really easy, not grammatically good but I got the feelings out and felt always better after. Probably because I never thought that no one is actually really reading what I wrote so there was no pressure in what I did, I just let all it out. This whole year has been a low key on this blog, I’ve felt strongly that I don’t really have anything to say worth writing about, which might have made me feel even more confused with all. As I haven’t written about them to anywhere else either. I’ve also felt this massive pressure to write anything at all, there’s so many amazing blogs around and I’ve just felt that what do I have to say that someone actually would like to read, do I really have something to say?!

It’s been the same with my running, or more like the lack of it, or with any physical activity in my life this year. No interest what so ever, which has been so tiring and weird but a relief too. Two years ago I did nothing else than run, I ran to heal myself from the pain of loosing my Grandma, from the end of a long and meaningful relationship, the changes I had in my life, from the confusion of it all. I ran to feel better, I ran from it, I ran to it, I just ran. And I’ve felt many times that I just ran out of that course in my life, I didn’t have anymore running or anything else in my life. And I felt and have still felt really guilty of that feeling, or not having any interest in doing anything, while so many know me through my running and now I am nothing, in a way, or at least I am not doing anything in that way.

This year has just flew past, it doesn’t feel real, so much has happened and still it feels like no time has gone by. That’s what’s scaring me so much, the realization of how fast time moves on without no care about if we have done anything with it, good or bad, to others or ourselves. And in this world we live in, it feels so often than if you don’t do do do and do something all the time, you are nothing at all. If you don’t have something to show for every damn thing all the time, you basically don’t even exist.

I’ve gotten so tired of that all, the last couple of months I’ve noticed how I have no tolerance for extra pressure if it’s not necessary, and I know now that I have no need to let it in my life, I have the keys to make those lines that others and also myself aren’t allowed to cross. And I do not need to feel bad about taking care of myself like that.

There’s this massive trend of being more all the time, faster, anyfucking thing, just as long as you do it a lot and show it to the world in some way in your media outlets. It gets tiring and has no effect at some point. I feel like I’ve been on both sides of that, and now I notice more often than not that I just don’t feel anything when I see someone posting a positive this or that or how much and fast they’ve been running, it’s just noise to me. And I feel in a way guilty of even letting myself be this honest about it. But I’ve felt that less is more can be so many things, we don’t have to post every aspect of our lives for them to be real, to us, who they should mean the most. The quality of our own lives doesn’t feel as high as it should, we put it out there like it does but does it to us all when we behave like that or do we just grave for the attention to validate our own being through likes?

And there’s this flipside of starting to feel bitter and jealous of it all. You’re surrounded by it all, it comes from every aspect of your life, not only social media and then it starts to feel like it’s suffocating you whole. And doing anything starts to feel like it’s useless because, why should you you’ll never get “there”.

It’s really hard to stay relevant even to yourself when you really don’t do a thing to make the situation better or different, but that’s the thing the pressure to do anything starts to be so massive that it’s easier to be bitter than try. Especially if you’ve had a history of failing as a habit or a way of life, because of those self doubts, those insecurities. What all that drifting further and further from that “Do” Me does is, it fills you with doubts on top of doubts, it pushes you further away from the you, you were before it all landed on you like a thick blanket without you realizing. Climbing back up from there is insanely hard work, especially when you clearly are not who you were but not 100% sure who you are or want to be now. There’s a certain pressure in “getting back up” once you’ve already done it before, whether it is writing or running or whatever. It almost gets harder and not easier, because of the fact that you’ve done it before and it also can make you feel extra insecure, because the biggest step in your way is YOU!

I have too many years in me of getting used to failure and not believing in any way or form that I do deserve the good in life, that it’s really easy to fall on that side of thoughts than remember that positive push you also have in you. But it is like anything else in life, if you don’t practice it enough and make it a habit you forget it and it becomes hard again.

I’ve had to find ways again now to start feeling better, it’s been a long road to recovery in many ways this year. I haven’t wanted to slow down because deep down I knew that when I do, all that I had dusted away will pop up. But I never knew how much will come and to what level I need to dig to start the healing once again. I really needed to slow down to a full stop to see how broken I was. I needed to let myself fall down to see if I still have the fight in me.

After almost a month of morning meditation, which isn’t the easiest thing but I’m really feeling the benefits, and reading actual books a lot, I’m starting to feel like I might have a idea who I am and who I want to be. And there’s nothing wrong that that is nothing who I have been, that’s only a good thing. I am not who I was, I am who I am now. And honestly I am scared shitless. I have no idea what to do, but I know I have to try, even when that is the one thing I wish I could just jump over or crawl under. To behave like I have done and be miserable when it didn’t work like it never did. I don’t know if anyone reads this blog, or if anyone wants to run in my running crew, but those are still two things that seem to make me feel better, so I choose to keep trying.

My insecurities, depression and doubts will always take over me, when I am weaker, but maybe that’s not so bad. I read in one book this thing that said around like this ” our depression often comes to our lives when we need to slow down and stop to evaluate our situation”. I had it bookmarked because it really resonated with me. Maybe depression isn’t only a bad thing, for me it has made me who I am now. Not with the easiest roads but still. So without the struggle who would I be, I have no interest knowing.

Being alone and really slowing down is one of the best things I know. It charges my batteries, and sometimes that takes a lot longer than before but it’s so necessary in this “ON” world of ours. And we don’t need to be able to do and be like everyone else, if someone hustles all the time, let them. But you don’t have to or need to, to be where you feel the best. That is something I need to tell myself quite often, but I’m only a human. And that’s okay.

And here it is, a piece that I just wrote, didn’t think just wrote and didn’t even proofread…

PMA ❀

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Pressure Drop

wp-image-399967542jpg.jpgIt finally happened, my overly stressed mind and body got some time off and I felt a massive pressure drop happening in me. I only needed couple of days in a different surroundings and time off from my angsty day rhythm.

Like I’ve written during this summer, this whole recovery thing has taken a toll on me in ways I never expected. But it feels so damn nice to finally feel lighter and happier and more focused. That massive cloud is lifting from my happiness and I’m slowly but very surely getting my happy back.

Sometimes we need to go back or far, to see close. I needed couple of days with a person in different city, that really knows me and listens in a way I needed. My Grandpa. Me and my Grandpa have always had a bit special relationship, we are very close, in my childhood people thought that he’s my Dad more than few times. We’re made from the same wood in a way.

When I left my home to go and visit him, I felt so down and restless and just overly stressed. My body was swollen without a reason, I had a minor migraine all the time, it was just rebelling to all what had been going on. Yelling at me to calm down any way possible. I didn’t realise how massive of a difference couple of peace filled days could make.

I remember noticing this thing on my way back from there this Tuesday, I’ve had my ankles swollen for some weeks now, just a little bit or a lot, depending on the day. And all of sudden when I was travelling back home, I noticed that they were normal again, I could see my normal ankles. It’s a small thing but showed me in a very literal way how important it is to calm down. I could also feel how my body in general felt and looked better. And the difference inside, it glowed out with a peace and calmness that I had been yearning for a long time. Life has felt better than in a long time now.

Today is a good day, we have a Midnight Run in Helsinki tonight with members of my crew KARMA runners joining, and I get to run next to them while some of them run their first race, ever!

And next week I get to see so many of my international running friends in Stockholm as we tackle the amazing weekend there during the Half Marathon. Cannot wait!! So things are looking up. πŸ™‚

Sometimes we really need to go away, stop and feel that we are heard and then pick ourselves back up. And we need to remember how insanely wise our grandparents are, so call to them, go visit them, show them that you care.

LOVE! PMA ❀

The Never Ending Sick Leave

wp-image-391466568jpg.jpgWhen you start to count how long you’ve already been on a sick leave and how it truly feels never ending… If something is a patience test, then this is, big ass time.

There’s no confirmed end to this yet, and that is starting to eat my spirit a bit, well honestly, I hate this to my core. My surgery was, 18th of May, and at the moment I feel like 2016 is going to be one hell of a yay for me. Obviously this post is me being filled with frustration and sadness and just anger that why a “simple” wrist operation turned a year of my life into what it is now.

When I got the news that my wrist is broken and needs a surgery last years Christmas week, I never ever thought that it will be this big of a life change. I understood that it is a simple operation that is a bit difficult to heal, or at least slower than others, but never did I think that it would be this. And then the wait to even get to the operation, those months from last weeks of last year to May, all that time when I had to reduce what I was doing at my work at the time, to people saying to me that don’t do that and don’t do this, to me feeling like I’m loosing a part of me, which I feel a lot at the moment too.

After the operation I thought that okay, this will take some time and then after those 6 weeks with a cast I’m pretty much good to go again and that my summer isn’t doomed and that I can start being “normal” again. That’s what I thought and believed and kept my spirits up with. But obviously it didn’t go like that.

The thing is, my recovery has gone as my surgeon wished it to go, but I just managed to break that one tiny bone that takes FOREVER to heal properly. It’s a bone that you can’t take risks with, or it needs a new operation. So I actually have to listen and believe my surgeon when she says that it needs a little more time, even when it is looking better all the time and like she wanted it to be.

But every time I hear that yeah, little more sick leave, just a little more, I seriously don’t see the good in that situation. I feel so shitty now, I just want to go back to being me, fully. Not this, some day I’m back me.

And the notion of how slow my body actually recovers from this all, is just tiring. You want to understand and you know the reality and the facts of why my running isn’t where it used to be, or why my body doesn’t respond as fast as it did last year to eating good and exercising, it’s a struggle to believe that those clothes that I love will fit me again, or that you look yourself in the mirror without feeling like yep, I would not mind looking a bit tighter. Some how it never even crossed my mind how massive of an impact one wrist operation could do to your whole body. It’s just a wrist, so why is it making my whole body react this massively. Yeah they had to take some bone of my hip but still?!

This year has been, once more, a test for me but not anything I was ever prepared for. It has been such a challenge mentally and physically that I even wish that it had been a knee or something like that. I have to battle my depression again, because this has been such a mental battle. And I hate that so much. I’ve lost my happy a bit and I’m tired of climbing back up, even though I know that I don’t want to sink either.

I’m afraid that loosing a year, will make my job opportunities shrink even more than they were before. I’m honestly afraid that I won’t find anything. Once this all is finally done. I’m afraid that I get stuck in this weird situation and just look how others around me move forward.

I’m tired and afraid of this all. I want to be able to be me, to be fully independent on my own and not have to worry about money ALL THE TIME, to feel like I have something to say and give, to feel needed.

I am trying to remind myself that there will be an end to this all, but right now it’s very damn hard.

This will get better, this will better, this will get better, I repeat in my mind, not sure if I even believe myself but I have to try.

 

50 / 50 Life

I feel like I’ve been living a 50/50 life. Seeing good in things but doubting them in the end. Loving myself but still putting myself down. Giving myself a break to breath but then feeling guilty of that all.

Having too much time to be only with yourself is not always the best possible situation. At least if you’re like me, really able to go deep in your thoughts and spiral with them. My mind plays tricks on me as soon as it can when all I want and need is a break from all of that.

The last two months or actually more than that, I’ve been without a daily rhythm after my wrist operation, and I still have little over a month to go. I had big plans for this summer, but things changed when I got what I wished for long, the operation to fix my broken wrist. So there’s that 50/50 again, having something you really wanted but having to let go of plans that you had bubbling in your head for so long. My social summer changed to a boring day by day challenge of accepting my healing body.

One of the main goals for me the last year or so has been to be more social. My super introverted self has wanted to be alone and have my own space for way longer than that. There’s that 50/50 again. The annoying truth is that I’m extremely shy but able to be very social when with people, I use that skill as a shield. But I don’t know how to have a balance, I tend to go from one end to another. Doing so much at once that I’m exhausted for days afterwards, and then feeling like I’m missing out and feeling lonely. Loving the fact that I have friends these days who contact me, something I wanted for so long, but feeling overwhelmed and tired of receiving all that attention. There’s that 50/50 again.

Now that I have my own place again, one of my biggest “fears” was that it’s so easy for me to be only on my own that what if I start doing that too much again. There’s part of me that will probably always do that. To rather say No to things people invite me than Yes, even if I will regret it later on. But I would love to find the courage in me to say Yes more. To be more with people and show myself that it’s possible to be less 50/50. So I’m asking my friends if we could see. I even started a running group, though not realising before now that that’s quite social thing from me to do…

Through that group I’ve met new people, pretty much every week, having to be social even if I’m scared of that one on one contact. I’ve always been better with groups than one on one, when the person is new to me. I have to put myself in front of those people and show them how to warm up and lead the runs. And to be honest I’ve been absolutely terrified of it all, but every Wednesday I do it and feel great after wards. Maybe without realising I did myself a huge favor with starting something that in the end scares me the most.

Today when I was running I was thinking that why does it always have to be so black and white, so 50/50. Why I love my deep blue eyes and my face and how it’s certain in it’s shape, and then feel so insecure and even disgusted on those worst days of certain parts of my body. Why a year ago I was in the best shape of my life and ran and ran and was so happy, and now I’m struggling with my body image and my weight and feeling confused and uncertain of this all. Why is it so hard to keep a rhythm of doing things. When I stopped moving regularly, I stopped writing regularly, and both of those mind and body activities became very hard to keep or start again. Now, the more I run the more I feel I want to write. And naturally the better I feel.

I’m not there yet, I’m on my 50/50 road to learning how to balance this all again. Learning to love myself once more.

Slow and steady. Even when it sucks.

PMA ❀

Changes, Changes…

wp-1468266718517.jpgChanges, changes… This summer has been basically only about that for me. So much in such a short amount of time, like always it seems. Makes me smile because every time I write those words I remember that it’s been almost like a theme of my whole life. While I feel that I’m stuck, so much tends to happen without me realizing, though this time it has been so obvious that it’s been very hard to miss.

So my wrist and hip are recovering well from the operation and in couple of days I know what the situation is under the skin, as I have an x-ray and appointment with my surgeon, fingers crossed for good news and cast free life!

But the biggest change that happened just a little while ago is that I HAVE A HOME!! Just when I was almost given up on my faith of actually finding a home and being in a situation where I’ve wanted to be such a looooong time, it happened, it is a reality now. I am typing this post in my home, my place where I can breathe and be me, fully. I feel like I still haven’t truly understood this all, I’ve lived here now for a week and even though this instantly felt like I’m in the right place, it’s like a dream of sorts. But slow and steady I’m getting there. In a way it’s not a surprise that it’s taking some time, as it’s been over 5 years, almost 6 that I’ve dreamed of an own home, a place that has my name on the door. And now I do! πŸ™‚wp-image-1332324395jpg.jpg

It has felt so damn good to just be, without doing anything, or just reading a book or watch a movie or cook in an really nice kitchen. I love this home of mine in the countryside!

Last Wednesday it was the first month anniversary of Karma Runners, a run crew I started here in Helsinki. And it’s been so amazing to see how people have taken it and came back for the runs and just I feel so grateful to have the support I have from my friends and especially Pihasali Joogastudio and Hello Darling Eatery, as they are our crews supporting companys. Thank you ❀ Also, go give us a follow on Instagram @karmarunners to keep posted and come for a run!!

It’s been long damn time since I wrote the last time, but honestly I’ve had to take that time for myself. Sometimes little break is exactly what you need. I promise to be more active from now on, as I’ve actually missed writing and want to keep this thing alive.

I feel like I don’t even have all the words to explain all of this, but in a month has happened so much that I feel all confused, in the best possible way.

One step at a time, on wards.

BREATHE. BE BRAVE. LOVE. PMA. ❀

So many changes needed a change of looks too! Here's my beautiful hairdresser Annika Tukiainen at her salon Beauty By Valo

So many changes needed a change of looks too! Here’s my beautiful hairdresser Annika Tukiainen at her salon Beauty By Valo