Running, Running Less, Running More, Running You, Running Them

adidasrunners_170215_osk_5324I’ve been thinking my own relationship with running a lot now that it’s pretty daily in my life again, in a totally different way than before. It’s not all about me anymore, it’s mostly about me being there for others through running. It’s a different way of looking the whole thing.

It’s been super interesting listening others speak about their journeys and stories with running, and obviously you go through your own next to it, in your mind. It’s been interesting to answer questions about how I look at training or the lack of it or whatever running related.

I’ve had my massive ups and downs with running, from being completely in love with it, to hating it to a level that I didn’t want anything with it. I don’t think that running is for every one, why should it be? We all have something that makes our blood pump in a way that it shines with the biggest smile from our faces. Everyone can run, and if running is something that you want to try, I highly recommend it, as even though my own journey being so vast I’ve had more positives from it than ever negatives. I’ve learned so damn much about myself that it doesn’t even make sense on my day to day life.

But the thing is that like with any other relationship in life, it might end up with running that you just don’t love it anymore and you need to breakup. My beautiful friend, Bangs and a Bun wrote an excellent piece about this exact thing. You can read it here. I’ve had my own breakup with running, and it felt so damn good! I needed to take that break from it all to see why I even wanted to run, or did I? I needed to see why I had run in the first place and why I had fallen so far from the fun aspect of it. Why didn’t I feel like it was fun anymore.

So much of the time, majority of the time, we put this massive pressure on ourselves through others. When it comes to running or any other activity in life, we seem to do it even more. With all these tracking apps and groups, it’s easy to loose the sight of why I do this, rather than compare yourself with what and why others do what they do. But the truth is that what and why or how much others do, is their business, none of ours. If you move for the likes, you’re already on the wrong path. That shizz ain’t bringing you closer to the benefits that you could get from the joy of moving, it’s drawing you further. Yes, when we see someone doing something that we want to do too, it can be used as a motivation to push ourselves out the door when we least want it, but it needs to come from an honest and loving place in you. Not hating what you aren’t doing, and or feeling guilty that something just doesn’t feel like you now or anymore. Wanting to change is totally okay, taking a break is totally okay. Taking a year long break is totally okay if that feels the right thing to do.

I’ve been jealous and felt envy of people, a lot at times but the truth is that that’s always my insecurities speaking their ill language to me. If someone is skinnier or faster, so fucking what. That’s a mantra that I have to remind myself with, still. I’m not perfect, thank goodness! I have jiggly bits, my belly is far from having six pack, and YES I have cellulite, but when I move I feel strong because that’s me and I am doing something that has given me a chance of staying alive.

We tend to compare ourselves to others, or to some past moment with ourselves. I do that too, I have moments when I wish that my body right now could be where it was almost two years ago, when I was in the best shape in my whole life. But hey, life happened, and stuff changed, jiggly bits came back and that booty got little bit more stuffing, ain’t nothing wrong with that. If and but, you can look at yourself with loving eyes and say that no matter what is the situation right now, you still love who you are. That is not easy, I’m not saying that it’s easy for me, but with almost 5 years of fighting myself while at the same time realising that I’m feeling so much better, noticing the positivity growing and growing, I had to admit that being loving to myself and speaking lovingly are just the things that make the most sense, that’s it.

So, if running is your thing, do it! If not, don’t and find something that puts that massive smile on your face. 🙂 Run alone, run with friends or crews or groups, do it hard, do it with all the dance breaks in the middle, do it slow, stop and smell the roses, the end “line” can always wait and it will be there no matter the pace.

My own relationship with running took almost year long break, I just didn’t want to do it, I had done it so much. I felt that my whole life was all about running and I was tired. I felt that why had I once hoped to do a job that involves running. I felt that I was only about running and wasn’t sure how to have other things in life in a balance with who I was in my running shoes on. I didn’t know how to mix all the sides of Me. I needed to stare at the wall of why enough to want to try running again, to see if it could be something that I could love again. I was scared shitless when I laced my shoes again last summer, I was so out of shape, and it was just pure misery. But that teeny tiny flicker of Me was there from that first miserable run back. That’s how I knew that I need to give running another chance. And I don’t need to be in a relationship with it like I was before, I am allowed and can shape it how it fits me and who I am now best. That’s what I am doing now, as the founder of my own crew, KARMA Runners and as a coach on adidas Runners here in Helsinki. I am combining all my sides together and running just happens to be something that ties them together.

Be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to not love something that once you loved the most. Take a break from it all, try something completely new. It’s all okay and allowed. And it takes time. Remember to listen to your gut, that thing is smart!

PMA ❤

 

Friends Like Mine And What They’ve Taught Me

by Anni Vaara

Friends like mine, is a hashtag I use always when there’s been something that kind of blows my mind with love about my friends, because they rock. So this is almost like a appreciation post to my friends. Thank you for being you and in my life.

When I was a kid, or pretty much my whole childhood, I was pretty lone wolf. I just didn’t feel comfortable with that many people and I didn’t understand kids my age, so I usually felt the most comfortable with people a lot older than me. Or with my Grandpa in his woodworking shed. He let me be me, without trying to change anything. He also let me “mow the lawn” at winter, but that’s a whole another story.

It’s taken me most of my life to be confused about why I am the way I am and why is it so hard for me to have friendships. I just didn’t understand how you do that basic social thing. I sucked at it on a level that was pretty amazing. I yearned being alone and on my own so bad but at the same time just wanted someone to call me and be like “you want to do something”. But when that would, very rarely, happen I got very uncomfortable. So there’s a little tricky situation there.

The moment I started feeling like I have people in my life, more than one, that I feel are real friends to me was just couple of years ago. I’ve never had a best friend before now, or I think in a way I have two. But it was only couple of months ago when I actually said to one that am I your best friend, and that childlike feeling when she said that Yes, was so nice.

Me learning more about who I am and why some things are the way they are to me, has been such an eye opening and confusing and helpful and so many other things in one. But what’s been the most gratifying, has been the notion that I understand my own speciality with an appreciation and not with like there’s something wrong with me. The day when I realized that I’m an introvert and highly sensitive person, it was like some door opened that had been shut down so tight that it took a lot of work to even peak through the tiny opening. Since then I’ve started to really get to know myself differently, with a different mind.

What that has done to my journey with people as friends has also opened me, but taught that it’s okay to say that I can’t do something that I promised, because I need to listen to myself more. I’ve learned that I don’t need to always be able to be there for others, while forgetting myself. I’m equally important and the most important to myself.

“There is you and you.

This is a relationship.

This is the most important relationship.

-home”

– Nayyirah Waheed

What those two people who I really truly share my life, have done to me, is to not share too much of myself before the person actually deserves it. This has been a hard lesson for me, because of my “I always believe in the good in people which ends up usually me getting used and in pain”, not the best thing to have always, but well what can you do when you don’t want to think bad about others. I don’t trust easily these days, so if I tell you something personal, it usually means that I think you are trustworthy and I truly wish that you won’t disregard that with your behaviour.

It’s a bit hard these days when it feels at times that others think that we are somehow dispensable and kind of only take what’s good for them in that situation and then throw you and your openness away. It’s crazy hard to find the people who are good, and legit honest. I feel that honesty is something that is not in high regard these days. I don’t need your jokes if you can’t be honest with me about who you are. I’ve done my fair share with compromising, I don’t do that anymore without a good reason so please do not do that stuff to me. Just tell me who you are without thinking that I will straight up judge you. I’ve worked hard with my own insecurities that I’ve had since I was a kid and I just am proud of who I am now and have no interest in changing for the worst anymore, thank you.

But with that said, I am goddamn lucky to have those two in my life. Their honesty and straight forward respect of our relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to me. They support me, push me, challenge the fuck out of me, laugh and cry with me, and all that other stuff that is amazing. But what I love the most is that I truly trust them and can say what ever I need to get out of my chest, that I would never say to anyone else. They also are those good ones, who are there no matter where we are in this world, close or far, the friendship is there.

What my other friends that I’ve gotten these past couple of years have taught me, is that I am good and enough, they like me for me. I have gotten more open and happy with their help, they are all over the world and I am able to ask for help or offer my help if that is needed, and even better when we just feel the want to offer it. Having friends from completely different backgrounds, countries, religions, all of that, makes life so much richer, it opens your eyes, it makes you see people and world with more love and understanding. And we definitely need more of those two in this crazy world of ours.

Now that I am, once again, searching my good old self, getting back to those simple things that are good to me, I need that tough love that I get from my friends. That honest kind of love. They calm me down, make me feel safe, make me push myself to that next level that they see is in me but what I doubt. They remind me that I am okay, and that those things that I am afraid of are okay too. But that they are there for me while I am afraid and want to push on.

2016 is probably the scariest year ever. So much has changed, me the most. I am getting closer and closer to that me that I truly am. I’m letting go, of so many things that I’ve carried in me for years and years. I’m setting myself free, truly free. I am willing to give myself that break, again. I’m realizing how beautiful and diverse and brave I am. The fact that I am not like others is the best part of this all.

What I want to say is, Thank You, who are in my life. You make this journey better than it has ever been, with all the ups and downs. Thank You, I really deeply truly appreciate your friendship. ❤

PMA ❤

 

Loneliness Or Just Reflecting Yourself?

photo by Anni Vaara

photo by Anni Vaara

That loneliness in a crowd feeling. It creeped up on me last weekend at my dear friends surprise birthday party. It crept and didn’t leave me be for couple of days.

I haven’t felt alone or lonely in really really long time, and now it just hit me hard. Maybe it’s part of me being an introvert and not feeling too comfortable in a group of people that are all social and bubbly and me not knowing most of them, and not being that much into going and asking someones name and starting a conversation. I instantly feel like some third wheel on a completely another level… I just wanted to leave the whole thing and not feel like that.

Maybe because I’ve been so much surrounded with people that are close friends of mine or who I get along great with, that I haven’t had this feeling in a long time, or maybe I’ve just been so busy at my work that I haven’t had any of these changes to be all lonely in a group.

There was few things that made me feel like I didn’t belong, first pretty much all the people there were in a relationship and there with their halfs, and I have nothing against that, I love seeing people happy. But something in it made me feel very alone and weird, like I wasn’t enough like I am, without someone. But at the same time I felt a bit, after a long time too, that it would be nice to have someone at times to share some parts of my life. Not all the time, everyday yet but at times, like Sundays haha, you probably get the point. But it would be very nice to cuddle next to someone who makes me laugh and feels comfortable and likes to spend time with me and wants to get to know me better.

“…You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.”

– J.R.R. Tolkien

I am definitely at a point in my life where I’m learning, the last pieces, to put myself first and enjoying what that all can bring, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to feel special at times too. There’s something about that feeling when you get a text from someone who instantly makes you smile. But then I’m thinking if I would even have time to have someone in my life, probably the easiest would be to have someone in another country so it would be hard to feel bad that you want to be alone and not feel guilty that you just want to take things very slow and learn who the other one is, see each other from time to time to see how you feel.

Though, is that really possible?

Somethings that I really won’t compromise anymore are that I won’t be anything else that I am, I’ve done so many compromises with that in the past years in relationships that no more, thank you. If you want me to be something I’m not, please keep moving, I have no interest with the same love, that just breaks me and makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me and how I love.

Maybe that was why I felt surprised by that deep lonely feeling, I haven’t truly felt like that in a long time, it felt new almost. Almost like I am not enough or like there’s something wrong with me, which is all bullshit, there’s nothing wrong with me and I am more than enough!

“I am mine. Before I am ever anyone else’s.”

– Nayyirah Waheed

I feel like these days we want to make everything so hard with all these million ways of communication and it just makes me feel confused and yearn to those old days when you called to the one you were interest in and talked and maybe saw them and that’s it. Maybe it’s me, I am so open and honest with everything, without a filter with my feelings that I tend to freak others out. Then again, I don’t want to filter myself because I wouldn’t be who I am if I would.

Maybe it was good to feel a bit lonely like I did last weekend, it reminded me that I have a tendency to feel like that in a group without it really meaning that much more. I just like to be in a smaller group of people and not have to be super social with unknown people. And it was good to me to admit that I would like to have some warmth from another person in my life. And there’s nothing wrong with that either. But it’s also good to admit that I wouldn’t want or be ready for a serious relationship now. So all in all, it was good to feel how I felt. To reflect all that is and has been going on. Maybe there’s someone that makes me smile these days, maybe he knows. All I know is that my life is good as it is at the moment, but cuddles and those different kinds of hugs are welcome too. And I have to remember and maybe wish that we all remember, that we all were strangers to each other once.

LOVE. HARD. UNFILTERED. BE YOURSELF. PMA ❤

 

Learning To Let Go

IMG_0732“Sometimes you have to experience what you don’t want in life to come to a full understanding of what you do want.”

-Mandy Hale

I feel like the past year has been all about me learning to let go of what I thought belonged in my life and was part of it. It is a bitter sweet moment when you realize and just let go.

My kindness has always been the thing that has been holding me back, I’ve gotten knife to my back because of it, I’ve been used so much that it still wonders how people treat each other like that. It’s been almost like a bad thing to be as nice as I have. Something you would think is a good thing to have in you. But I didn’t have limits with my kindness. Until now.

The quote in the beginning of this post really describes my life well for the past month. I needed to be shocked out of my spot to a place I’ve never been before. I needed to get so disgusted and angry that I just “dropped the mic” and let go.

We all have relationships that makes us really open our eyes, whether they are friendships or loveships. I’ve had quite a few of that caliber this year. Good and bad, the ones that really make me think what I want and don’t want to have in my life. And once I realized that I am the one who gets to choose if those are in my life or not, winning!

I’ve always had my insecurities about people liking me, still have at times, which has made me do things and tolerate behavior that I really shouldn’t have. I’m not mad at myself for doing that over and over again, but I am tired of people being like that, to the extend of just almost deleting them from my life.

When you’ve always been a bit unsure of yourself and through that of the fact if people like you, being a people pleaser when you really should not… It’s incredibly hard to change your ways. And once I finally got tired enough, it’s been a like this huge mountain was lifted off my shoulders.

I’ve always also been really bad at being mad, for a reason, to people that has hurt me. And really said that to them. I’ve done that the first time this year really. Crazy hard, but very good for ones soul. And I don’t mean going all out crazy to someone, I mean saying things in a way that is clear and calm, explaining how you feel the other one made you feel. The closure is very needed in those situations but what if you don’t get it? I’ve come to realize this summer that it’s pretty often when there’s no closure, no way of talking things out, saying those things. And that was the moment when I learned really to make peace with the thing and let it go, for my own happiness.

“A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people. It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do.”

-Lisa Kleypas

I tend to always believe the best out of everyone, a side of me I still wouldn’t want to change, even if it ends up being the worst side of me too. I’ve always wanted to trust people, with the result of me being surprised by how badly people treat each other. I always, always, have loved people so much that I end up getting hurt, because I don’t want to believe that they would do something they’ve done to me.

These days I am more and more selective of the people I really let close. I surround myself with positive and good people, without forgetting to be nice to all I meet. I have no interest in turning bitter or jealous or anything. I don’t need to understand what or why someone does what they do, but I still can be respectful and nice to them.

Once you start to see yourself as what you really are, damn, you start feeling so strong. When I know that I haven’t done anything wrong, I can walk away from a situation with my head held high and let it go. I don’t have to think about it too much afterwards and stress about it, like I’ve done in my past.

I feel like my womanhood has really started with a bang this past month. I’ve shed my skin and walked out of the old me for good. I am proud of the person I am now, I know what I deserve and what I am willing to take from others. I also know that there’s nothing wrong with how I love and feel so strongly about everything. Through all that I’ve learned to accept who I am and have a calmer mind.

I know, or believe that one day someone won’t be afraid of me and will accept me in a way that I wish they would. That I am able to love them and share all in a way I should be able to, not hide anything. Less filters to this life and more honesty, communication and love, it’s not actually that hard. Basically, if you want to know something, it’s always easier to ask. 🙂

“Loving you, supporting you, believing in you always.”

PMA ❤