It’s okay to feel just the way you feel

DSC04815.jpgThere’s this bubble in me that I feel I want to write out, but it feels stuck. Like I don’t find the words for it. I know what it is and why I want to write it but for some reason it feels hard as hell. It’s about saying how I really feel about things in a world where we are almost programmed to doubt ourselves in every possible turn.

Couple of weeks back I had an appointment with my therapist after almost a year. I felt that I needed a tune up time. I didn’t know if I was feeling messed up from the grief of loosing Grandpa still, or a crush that haunted me back then with no reason, or did my depression just try to creep back. Or was it a weird combination of all the good and bad that had happened in such a short amount of time.

Around the same time I said my final goodbyes to Grandpa, I started the best phase of my life so far. I found a place to work I truly feel I belong. And we all know how important it is to actually enjoy our work because it does take a majority of our days. But this is not about my work. But do find yourself one of those ones you absolutely love. Just do.

One big thing I wanted to start, or that’s what I thought, processing with my therapist was my own relationship with my romantic relationships. I’ve not been the luckiest or the best when it comes to those. I have done my mistakes and been the one done wrong to. It always goes both ways when there’s two in that kitchen.

It’s probably around 3 years since my last relationship, the one that left me in such a raw open wound state that I wanted to take the time to take care of myself, especially after realising how much it all had affected me. Now those years later I’m very slowly feeling like I could maybe let someone in a bit. I could be open to having someone in my life. Or so I thought…

Funny thing about talking about it all to your therapist who’s been in your life for few years is that she really knows your ins and outs. She able to challenge you and call out you on your own bullshit. I thought I know what was bothering me, and in the end that was the last on the list. Not the first time that has happened. My curse and a blessing has always been the fact that I know and want to know myself pretty darn well. I’ve never been afraid to go down and dirty with my feels. But with all of that I’ve always been super sensitive to the pressure that comes from outside, until the past year. My tolerance for pure shit has just ended. I will call you out if you treat me like shit, and will cut you out if you keep doing that to me. Simple as that. Obviously there’s always people in our lives who we aren’t able to just cut because they are in a way casualty through others, I know how bad that sounds but don’t know how to explain it in another way. You get my point.

So, I went to see her feeling all messed up, and came out with the clearest mind there can be. That messed up feeling had been mostly about the pressure of people who aren’t capable of taking me the way I am. Hi from the highly sensitive side of me… God there are times I wish I wouldn’t need to be like that, but then again how cool it is to be like this!

I thought that I am ready for something, which I’m truly not. The thing is that if I would be a guy no one would even think of saying things like “but your clock is ticking, I’m sure” or “I think you just need a man in your life”… There’s something really unnerving with the thought of a woman being completely happy with her life the way it is in this age. I’ve worked so damn hard to be where I am right now, that I am just enjoying it all without the need of something else. My priorities are weird as hell to most, but could I care less, not really. Motorcycle licence and that bike are pretty damn high on that list. Just sayin’.

And to be clear this all does not mean that I’m in some “I’m against men” phase, nope. I’m in that “I’m open if someone walks in my life” phase. But even if someone walks in it, that doesn’t mean that I have to jump to something straight away. I am willing to see with time if something comes, without the hurry to know it straight away.

I was reminded by how something super simple can feel the best, and how we don’t always need to do something. That I’m grateful. I love connections and breaking those age old barriers in me, that life has build around the true me I am. I yearn to feel a different kind of connection than just a lust or physical one. That’s just too easy. Anyone can do that, but talk to me and challenge me, that’s the stuff I need. And then show me what else you got.

I’m also in a phase in my life where I’m able to watch myself in the mirror and smile that smile you do when you have a crush on someone, but I just happen to have that on myself. I’ve worked so hard and never thought something like this could happen. But damn, I’ve never felt so comfortable with myself and my life. This shit is the best I know. Doubting my truth is pretty low these days, which feels amazing. Being me in and out, and finding who I am and being proud of that is something I’ve moved towards for so long. Now I’m reaping the benefits with the biggest smile on my face.

We are almost programmed to not be happy with what we have or who we are, that being unhappy is a normal state to many. I have no interest in that. I have been that enough in my life. Being content is not a bad thing to be. It doesn’t mean that you stop moving forward and wanting more, no, it means that you’re able to appreciate where you are after all you’ve been through. Let that push you and make you question what you want in a positive way.

I have no idea what will come in the next year, only that I will make that motorcycle dream come true, and those couple secret projects I have been cooking. And if in that year someone great walks in my life, I’m more than happy to see what that brings, or maybe they have already walked in. Let’s see.

PMA ❤

 

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Scars That Don’t Want To Heal

471567_10150877147547726_1778206004_oWe’re always evolving, growing. But certain scars take a lot longer to heal than others. Some moments in our past have gone so deep in our soul that it’s almost impossible to be free from them completely. What to do to those scars that don’t want to heal.

There’s huge contradiction between old and new, scars and newly shed skin, having closure and letting go and missing closure and not finding your freedom.

While my past haunts me at times and reminds me of how broken and torn my soul still is, I’m still human and thankful of that exact thing. Moving on and past things that have been so traumatizing, is not easy and especially when you actually want to deal them and not just forget and move on. But there are days when it all feels a bit too much and you doubt your whole being, with thoughts that just don’t make any sense. Like why this is happening to me and did I do something so wrong that I’m paying for my own karma now? Why someone deserves happiness and I don’t? Why someone’s life is so filled with love and I’m here mending my soul?

All of these thoughts make me feel really confused as I have more love in my life these days than ever before. Why some little thing can throw you completely off your course? How you can feel so loved and so alone at the same time? But I think deep down we all yearn to be loved by that one special, even when we know that we’re not alone and are so very loved by our friends and family. And admitting to yourself that you are nowhere close to being ready for any relationship with that special kind of love, because you don’t want to have any old issues when you enter something new, is hard when you feel lonely.

We’re so used to judging others and how they live their lives these days that we forget how big of an impact we’re able to do to someones life with just a simple little joke or comment. Everything is so public that it seems that it’s all free for whatever comes to our minds. And when someone is actually private and keeps their business to themselves we get confused and judge even more.

But at the same time, those people who are honest and brave with who they are and what they are going through, are the biggest inspirations to me. They truly wear their heart on their sleeve, like I feel that I am doing. Maybe I’m opening the door for people to judge me, but I would not want to live my life any other way. This is who I am and I’ve been hiding myself majority of my life and have no interest in doing so anymore. That probably will piss some people off, which is okay to me too, but please keep your judgement and comments to yourself, because in the end of the day they only tell me how you feel about yourself not me.

It’s human to feel hurt and in pain, and it’s human to feel anger towards someone who’s done you wrong. But it’s also very damn human to be able to feel happy for those who have hurt you if they seem happy. To me that shows that I have grown so much and don’t need to keep that pain of hatred in me anymore, but I also don’t need to understand why they did what they did. I forgive but certain things are harder to forget, though at the same time those experiences made me who I am and without them I would not know what I truly deserve and what I definitely don’t. So my intention is to be thankful for all, no matter how damn hard it feels some days.

It’s terrifying how we can hurt each other and how deep scars we can leave behind. The more you talk to and with people there’s this sadness of people treating each other so poorly, puking their own pain and scars to those who love them the most. It all makes it so much harder to trust in love and good, even when you have it in your life through your friends and family, but the void someone has left in you can suffocate the good of others. When someone destroys your soul with their carelessness, it kills the joy in you and you yearn freedom from that weight so bad.

“Freedom! Freedom! I can’t move
Freedom, cut me loose!
Yeah, freedom! Freedom! Where are you?
Cause I need freedom too!
I break chains all by myself
Won’t let my freedom rot in hell
Hey! I’ma keep running
Cause a winner don’t quit on themselves”

Beyonce – Freedom 

No one knows what lies behind the smile that is on my face, no one has the right to judge my why’s, no one who doesn’t know what I’ve been through has the right to doubt my strength and my decisions.

I’m who I am because of my past, I’m proud of myself exactly because of that. I’ve worked so damn hard. I’ve loved even harder and gotten so gut wrenching broken that I wonder to myself how I’m still standing, but I am. Deep in me I know and believe that I deserve love and good in my life, even though how much there’s reasons to doubt that. I have the right to get mad and be honest and open, that is what makes me so damn strong! I smile so wide because of this all, my laughter comes from the deepest depths of my soul because I’ve been hurt so bad. I respect and appreciate my struggle and march in the rhythm of my own drum. And for damn sure, I will love as much I have until now, but I’m not interest in anyone’s half ass attempts of using my time. I deserve better than that!

LOVE. ALWAYS LOVE. PMA. ❤

Watch Out What You Wish For…

IMG_2432Yep, watch out for what you wish for… Or it might even come true!

Little over three years ago I would’ve never, ever, thought that what is my current reality would even be close to being my reality.

Back then I was so depressed that I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I felt so alone, even with a relationship and few friends. I was not happy. I was overweight. I had issues with my health but didn’t know what to do to it all. I was so tired of feeling tired and done all the time. I was tired of not feeling like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

And then I went to my first run, changed my diet, and all started changing to a better. Running saved me, it kept me alive, it changed my whole being, life and future. Who I am now and who I was before the whole journey started, I can’t even believe the change.

My whole life I’ve wanted to have few great friends in my life, and now I do. Or let me clarify, I have few INSANELY AMAZING FRIENDS! Once I realised that less is more in all aspects of my life, things got so much better. I’ve wanted to find a job for the last couple of years where I could use my creativity and write and be me, and now I have a dream job at a dream company. I’ve wanted to feel like I have a meaning and a purpose, now through my writing and being who I really am I have exactly that, I am able to be there for others and help them and listen and just share what I’ve gone through and hope that my journey could help them with theirs.

I had one of the most amazing conversations and things happening to me in the past couple of weeks. First my best friend, who happens to live in Toronto, Canada, asked me to be her Best Lady at her wedding. Which is like the biggest honor I could ever wish for, she made me feel like the luckiest and most loved person in the whole wide world! The thing is that she and me, we didn’t even know each other little over two years ago. We found each other through a mutual friend, who had read a piece written by both of us about depression. We wrote to each other and found that we can be there for each other through our depression and share our journey. Now, she is my absolute soul friend. ❤ Can’t wait to share her day with her!!

I had one of the best conversations with my other bestie, who also happens to be my colleague at work. We finally got the chance to really talk, like you talk with your closest friends who you trust so much that you can say whatever. I’ve missed him and our talks so much and realised during that how blessed to max I am with the people I have in my life. I got few people that keep me grounded, are honest, love me through it all, and are always there for me whatever. True friends! IMG_2443

I also think that it’s crucial to tell those people that they mean that much to you and thank them for all that they’ve done for you. So do that! ❤ Also say that you’re sorry when you’ve been a dick! And forgive yourself too, so many times that you believe it!

I’ve always dreamed of love, and be loved and love love love. And now I’ve found the best love there is, I love myself! Finally! It’s not some all day everyday joyride, but it’s real and I really do love myself!

Without loving myself like I do now, I would never been able to do all that I’ve done. Run Ultras, write to my own site and few others and to an actual magazine! Have the job opportunity I have now. Have friends all over the world. Feel like I’m a proper citizen of the world. There’s so many amazing things that I’ve made happen for myself because I love myself. I also have more love in my life than ever now, maybe not the one, but the amount of love and how loved I am conquers all!

We all need to appreciate what we have, take a little step back and really see how insanely amazing our lives are. I might not have what you “should” at my age, but I have more than ever before.

Pretty much all the things I’ve hoped to have in my life, have come true. Talking about the law of attraction! So be careful what you wish for, they might really come true!

LOVE. TRUST. LOVE MORE. BELIEVE. DANCE. LAUGH. SAY THANK YOU. BE GRATEFUL. LOVE SOME MORE. PMA. ❤

By Narriyah Waheed

By Narriyah Waheed

Let’s Be Honest… About Love

IMG_1016-0I’ve written quite a few times about love, but probably never this honest. About how it really makes me feel and how it has changed over the years and how I feel about it now. So, let’s be honest… About love.

“Accept that you deserve more than painful love. Life is moving. The healthiest thing for your heart is to move with it.”

I’ve always been really brave when it comes to love, and now I’m finding myself being terrified of it. I feel like my trust and wings have been burned so badly in my last two relationships. I’ve grown, learned and loved more than ever before in those two. But also, really been hurt more than before. Felt like I’ve been stabbed with something that I didn’t want to believe really exists. The thing that sometimes people aren’t too nice to you, whether you’ve been good to them, it doesn’t always matter.

This subject isn’t an easy thing to write about, at least when it comes to really being honest. Love is one of those things that makes the world go round. I’ve learned finally, after hating myself for so long, to love myself. I have more love than ever before in my life. I have friends that I truly love and who love me. I’ve learned to love without expecting anything back, which is how you should love. I’ve always been a huge believer in love, that it will conquer all else, without even always understanding why I do believe so. Maybe because of that, I’ve gotten hurt so bad. Because I want to believe that people aren’t bad and that they don’t mean to hurt you. But even though how much I love, I can’t fix someone else if they aren’t ready to fix themselves. I can only love. But sometimes it’s love to walk away. To let go and take care of yourself first. That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve finally learned and really understood.

“She’s known sadness, and it has made her kind.”

-Nathan Filer, The Shock of the Fall

I needed to get hurt and treated really badly to get mad enough to understand that I deserve so much better than I thought before. Being too nice, and believing the best always can be sometimes bad thing too. People love to use that kindness for their own good. I’ve been there for people who have just used me. Which I really shouldn’t have been tolerating, it was wrong on so many levels, but I wanted to believe in the good. But when the other person sucks the positivity and happiness out of you, you need to let go.

I remember when I felt really strongly that without having someone in my life, I’m not whole. Now I am enough alone, which I absolutely love. But I think I would love to share my life with someone. But for the first time in my life I don’t feel like I need that, I have a great life without that too. But I also am afraid, for the first time, that will I ever find or be found by someone.

I didn’t have a crisis when I turned 30, but I feel that I am having one now, or at least having thoughts about this all. I’m not worried about what to do with my life, or my work life, or any of that. I know that those will figure themselves out. I trust in that. I wasn’t ready to give myself a chance to really show what I can do before, I am now and I am getting those opportunities. But I am having these moments when I think that will I be a Mom one day before it’s too late, or if it’s even possible. I am turning 32 next March, I know that I am not old but I do feel this weird pressure at times when I am surrounded by my age peers who have those things, family and relationships. And still, I don’t feel like I need to really do anything “extra” about it. There’s a hope in me that wants to believe that it will work out too.

Then again, I don’t think I have been ready before to really be loved, ever. I’m still learning the whole thing of how to love myself. Getting pretty good at it, even if I say it myself. Maybe this is one of those things that takes time to be ready. Maybe I am getting ready for that all now.

“Love is patient, and that is the hardest part of love.”

-T.B. LaBerge, Unwritten Letters to You

One thing that makes me think that, and this whole thing in a completely different way, is that right now I have a crush. I have one of those things where you kind of like someone, but have no idea what to do with that whole thing. I’ve lost my bravery when it comes to that. I would love to be brave enough to say it to that person, but I am so afraid. The fact that I have been hurt and my trust have been used in the wrong way, it’s hard to take that step and open my heart,  for that possible rejection. Which in a way would be a relief, because then I could “release” this feeling. I actually really hate that there’s couple of people who were able to shake that hard work built trust in me. I’ve had so much trust issues since my childhood and I’ve worked really hard to understand other peoples behaviour doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with me.

With all that’s happened, I’ve found myself being afraid of the things I love the most. I do know, inside of myself, that I do deserve all the love just like anyone else. But I also do tend to think in those dark moments that what if that’s not meant for me. And then I get a bit bored of that old me and shake that off. Why wouldn’t I deserve it all?! Why would I be some kind of exception?

It’s weird to be in a situation with yourself that you really are happy with your life as it is, without needing to have someone in it. To have that change from need to choice. To being in a situation where you can honestly say, I wouldn’t need someone in my life, but I would love to share my life with someone. I’ve never been in this place with myself before. It’s really confusing and amazing at the same time.

“We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realise we only have one.”

-Tom Hiddleston

It’s also funny how I used to, when I was a lot younger, confused sex with love. How I used that physical attraction to believe that someone likes me, or even loves me. I think that’s part of the journey to you as you. You need to, or I needed to find my way through all that. How easy it is to hurt yourself in that search too. I remember how I finally, long time ago, decided that I want to stop that and really find what makes me happy and how I see myself. And how different it is to be in that situation when you are healed and good with yourself. To enjoy those moments of grown up pleasure with someone without needing it to be something else. To feel confident and sexy and strong, sensual grown woman. Being confident and happy with your skin, finally!

One really funny thing to notice is that I suck big time at flirting when I actually am interested in someone, possibly liking them. I can easily flirt and tease when there’s not any real “thread” of the situation going anywhere, but now when there’s someone on the other end that I really would love to get to know more, I get shy like never before and don’t have a clue of what to say. Maybe trying too hard, and then deciding to not say anything at all. I don’t get easily too silent, I’ve always been quite loud and talkative, and now… nothing. I wish and miss sometimes that brave me that was able to just say that “hey, I like you, and I think I am interested in you”. Where’s that me now? Am I protecting myself because of my past or what?

Also, when you come to this age, over 30, there comes this new aspect of being and meeting new people. We all have different kind of baggage than before, when we were younger. There might be kids, marriages or other “bigger” situations that we heal and move on from. That means that we all might have a bit more “protection” around us and not so much of that yeah let’s jump to this. I have to be honest, I am definitely afraid of getting hurt again. But then there’s this tiny voice in me that reminds me that if I don’t jump I never know.

One thing that I really almost hate at times these days, is the way social media is making things wayyyy harder to understand. I suck big time in understanding what the other one means when I text or chat with someone. I’m old school and I would way rather talk on the phone or meeting face to face. We throw emojis around like nothing and then when you think someone is being all cute to you, they write those same emojis to someone else and you are confused as fuck. All those winky emojis and no idea what they mean. Maybe it’s my old school self, that introverted and shy one that would love to think that some things are only for someone special, which almost sounds ridiculous now that I am writing it down here. What I’m saying here is that it’s not easy to be and want to be as open hearted as I would love to be in this world of ours these days.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

– Amy Poehler

The thing is, I think I’ve finally understood what loving someone means, or is about. I love myself in a way I never thought possible, I love my friends and others with a fiery heart, which I am very proud to own. It would be very easy to me to go back to that old miserable one who didn’t think that I would ever find someone and deserve anything good, it would. But then again, I just am nothing like that one these days. It’s okay to be terrified of love, damn it should be terrifying when you open yourself and jump to unknown with no idea what will happen on the other end. It would also be very easy to get all bitter and hate on guys, but then again, I’ve always been the other one in every situation I’ve been. So I can’t really hate on only the other one and not take any responsibility of the situation and what has happened and how I’ve reacted. In every situation with two people, there’s two people dealing it too. If I can be honest with myself with how I dealt it all and how I am dealing it, I’m good. I can forgive and let go, whatever there is to forgive and let go of.

I guess what I’m realising while writing this is that it’s okay to be afraid of love and what happens in my future, but it’s not good enough reason to stop loving and trying and being brave. What do I really have to lose?

“In the end, I want my heart to be covered stretch marks.”

-Andrea Gibson

PMA ❤