I Like Wrinkles, I Like The Stains Of Age…

It’s a simple quote from one amazingly talented lady, Isabel Marant, but what she said in this video below sunk deep in me and just made something burst and glow of YES!

“I like wrinkles, I like the stains of age – imperfection has a lot of charm. It has its own language and I think it speaks much more than something that is completely perfect. It’s never perfect so you search for perfection but you never really totally reach it.”

-Isabel Marant

Growing older is scary at times. You realize how fast time moves on, and how little you’re able to do with it. You understand that you need to get cracking if you want to accomplish those dreams and wishes and goals. You look at your body and you see those signs. You look at it with a new found respect, new found appreciation. You look at that part with cellulite but still look at the whole with love. You know what your body has gone through and wish that the future wouldn’t be that hard on it, but know that it can take it no matter what. I love the notion that my life will show on my body. Those millions of tears and especially all those smiles and belly laughs will be on my face with love marks. You remember some touch from years and you smile because of how it still can make you feel. You also remember a sensation of pain from some other time, and you almost shiver just from the thought of it. All of it is on you. It’s part of you.

But the gratitude, of how much my body has endured. All that yo yo of a life that it has taken from me. It’s still there, broken somewhere, but still there. I can feel that I’m not “there” anymore, but I’m still very much here and stronger with some well deserved jiggly bits.

What ageing does is give you a love through it all, you love the skin you’re in because it’s the only skin you got. There’s no reason to fight it because the marks will always be there, it will remember all the fights. But what it does when you love it and devour the beauty of it, that is amazing. It let’s you be you with all you are. It plays along with your recklessness but still let’s you play. But you have to respect it too. Because it’s always, always, smarter than you, and it will out play you in a heart beat. No fools in that corner.

Day by day, I love myself more. I love the body I’m in. I love how loyal it has been. And how much smarter and cleverer it is and always will be. Thank you for taking all that I’ve put you through. Thank you. ❤

Getting There : Isabel Marant video

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Letting Go 2015 Like An Old Lover. Welcoming 2016 Like The Me I Am Now

img_2816“I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I AM MYSELF.” ❤

Until 2015, I feel like I’ve only lived for others. I started my journey to Me in 2015, but fell for my old habits and forgot how and who I am. This is almost like my manifesto to myself, in the most honest way possible.

2015 has been all about finding and learning who I am and what I want, who I truly am under all that fear of myself. It has been about heartbreak, love, pain, confusion, finding myself, conquering my fears, going after my goals for the first time ever, freedom, learning to love the skin I’m in and saying goodbye to people and habits I’ve outgrown or who are bad for me and my life.

I also made myself do a list of who I am. I am strong, passionate, talented, caring, special, loving, artistic, capable, beautiful, creative, loyal, trustworthy, sexy, warrior, deserving, enough, open, honest, brave, sucker for love, supporting. I know I am more than those but giving who I am and how hard making a list like that is, I am very proud of myself for getting those down. 

For the past week I’ve gone through the whole year over with myself, really pushed myself to deal certain things, to let go of others and forgive the ones that feel that hardest. I knew that I needed to do that, to be alone even though all of sudden it felt so scary, the one thing I usually enjoy too much. I knew that my broken self can still be whole in front of certain people, my brokenness doesn’t mean that I’m not okay, it means I’m strong enough to admit certain things to myself and give myself the push I need to deal and let go of them. Without the heartbreaks of 2015, I would not have woken up to the Me I really am. In 2015 I learned who I am as a woman, learned what that means, entails, empowers me and others, what I deserve and can say No to!

There’s moments when I realize things about myself and I need to write them down, this was one of them: You’re not any readier than they are to love again, so don’t push them and most of all, do not push yourself.

I know that these aren’t the things that we should be open and honest about, because at times it feels that we need to be all about slaying all and be good with ourselves, but letting go of a love that you had for someone, whether they hurt you or not, is HARD, whether you know the decision to be right. In short that shit hurts, because there’s people who take a bit more of your heart than you ever expected to happen. And even though I know that it’s the right thing to be alone now, my whole being rebels against that, not all the time but there are moments.

I’m one of those who fall hard, I love hard, I believe in the good of others hard with the notion that I might get hurt hard. I tend to open my heart in a way that it’s super easy to rip it open if you don’t respect the openness of it. I don’t second guess my gut feeling about how I feel about someone and how I see the good in them, even if they don’t see it themselves.

The love I wish to give and have is who I am, open and honest. I am tired of hiding or filtering my love and feelings in general. I’ve done that for most of my life. I want to be able to show my love and not have to think about if it’s okay. I wish to have that kind of love in return as well. A love that looks like that person who is proud to have my kind of love without wanting to push it down or me being someone else I am. No more filtering love.

I think I’ve finally stopped apologizing how and who I am. That was one big thing I learned in 2015. This is who I am, whether you like me or not, this is Me. In 2016 I want to truly be brave and let myself be Me, all of Me. To get to know that Me that I am, but have been hiding from myself.

” Be a better You, for You.”

– Sonya Teclai

There’s certain things that make you, force you to realize that you won’t be here forever. You look at your body and how it has changed, you know that it doesn’t work the same way it did couple of years ago. You look at your skin and how there’s lines that weren’t there maybe a week ago, but in the same time they make you look so much more beautiful. They show the life you’ve lived, the pain you’ve cried through, the smiles you’ve smiled with cheeks in pain. Growing up and older can be scary, but I’ve decided to at least try to embrace the journey of it all.

You feel the pressure of doing things you want to do before it’s too late, but at the same time you don’t want to rush through life, you want to really enjoy the moments.

You want to be true and honest with and to yourself, while being so confused with that all in the midst of feeling exactly certain who that is.

You want to take risks to be sure that you live but at the same time want to be in control of what happens when you take those risks. How to trust the jump when you have no certainty in what will come after you jump.

“I tell you what freedom is. No fear!”

– Nina Simone

How to balance those things you have raging in you. How to be happy with being alone when people around you are so far from that exact thing. How to be those two you’s that you are, how to live as one with them both. How to be that outdoorsy, less is more person and that ambitious, brave career woman who wants to be great at what she does. But isn’t it a balance that the other needs from the other? That is something I will tackle now. Learn how to make those equally good in me that I am in peace. Right now it feels a bit like I have to choose, but then it would mean that I need to choose one from two passions of mine and I’m not ready or willing to do anything like that. I don’t feel that I need to.

I remember how I said almost a year ago how I feel that my life just started for the first time, now more than ever I feel that, really feel it hard. I feel how fast time moves on but I want to forget rushing through it all. I want to forget the lure of being in a hurry. I can be and will be the best Me I can when I respect the both sides of me. I need to be, for myself, patient in what I’ve wished for my life to be earlier, when I realize that it’s exactly that now. Like I wrote before, watch what you wish for…

I don’t want to do any resolutions for 2016. I want to be able to listen to myself on a daily basis and really take the moments I have without hurry. I want to keep being honest about how I feel, especially if someone feels special to me, we don’t have enough time to not say those things, even if we don’t get anything back. I want to be patient and gentler to myself, more mercy. Past is past for a reason. Now is now for even bigger reason. Live in the now, not past or future, now. That’s my Note To Self.

MORE LOVE. MORE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. MORE SPONTANOUS ADVENTURES. MORE HONESTY AND BEING OPEN. MORE RESPECT TO ONE ANOTHER. MORE BRAVE ME AND MORE PMA ❤