Pressure Drop

wp-image-399967542jpg.jpgIt finally happened, my overly stressed mind and body got some time off and I felt a massive pressure drop happening in me. I only needed couple of days in a different surroundings and time off from my angsty day rhythm.

Like I’ve written during this summer, this whole recovery thing has taken a toll on me in ways I never expected. But it feels so damn nice to finally feel lighter and happier and more focused. That massive cloud is lifting from my happiness and I’m slowly but very surely getting my happy back.

Sometimes we need to go back or far, to see close. I needed couple of days with a person in different city, that really knows me and listens in a way I needed. My Grandpa. Me and my Grandpa have always had a bit special relationship, we are very close, in my childhood people thought that he’s my Dad more than few times. We’re made from the same wood in a way.

When I left my home to go and visit him, I felt so down and restless and just overly stressed. My body was swollen without a reason, I had a minor migraine all the time, it was just rebelling to all what had been going on. Yelling at me to calm down any way possible. I didn’t realise how massive of a difference couple of peace filled days could make.

I remember noticing this thing on my way back from there this Tuesday, I’ve had my ankles swollen for some weeks now, just a little bit or a lot, depending on the day. And all of sudden when I was travelling back home, I noticed that they were normal again, I could see my normal ankles. It’s a small thing but showed me in a very literal way how important it is to calm down. I could also feel how my body in general felt and looked better. And the difference inside, it glowed out with a peace and calmness that I had been yearning for a long time. Life has felt better than in a long time now.

Today is a good day, we have a Midnight Run in Helsinki tonight with members of my crew KARMA runners joining, and I get to run next to them while some of them run their first race, ever!

And next week I get to see so many of my international running friends in Stockholm as we tackle the amazing weekend there during the Half Marathon. Cannot wait!! So things are looking up. 🙂

Sometimes we really need to go away, stop and feel that we are heard and then pick ourselves back up. And we need to remember how insanely wise our grandparents are, so call to them, go visit them, show them that you care.

LOVE! PMA ❤

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Road To Recovery

Photo by Corey Chan

Photo by Corey Chan

Sorry for the radio silence. It’s been some time since I last posted. And a lot has happened. Right now I’m typing this post with one hand in a cast recovering from an surgery. Road to recovery has started almost a month ago.

I would’ve been able to write again for almost two weeks now, but been feeling a proper writers block, or maybe just in a way wanted to keep to myself. Mostly that for sure. Almost dreading the moment I would write again, if I would even know how to anymore. Let’s see how this goes.

The thing that I realized during this first part of my recovery is that if I can’t be active in any way, especially if I can’t run, I can’t write. It was interesting to really understand that when I run I go through all the things in my head, come up with topics about new pieces, ideas, all. And for such a long time I haven’t been interested in running at all. Yeah I’ve run few times this year and with a local crew too, but it never felt like it was nice and enjoyable. Something I need it or any other activity to mostly be for me to keep doing it. Well today, I went for my first run in way over a month and now that I haven’t been allowed to do so, it felt like I got a small piece of me back. And now as I’m typing these words I feel how another piece is falling back to where it belongs, I’m getting myself back.

So the surgery, what I’m talking about and why haven’t I been allowed to run or be active for that long. I wrote long time ago that I broke my wrist last year and that I need a surgery to fix it, well now I had it end of last month. But it was a bit more than I expected, even with all the info I had. More of an overall surgery than just a little thing and up I go again. I had my wrist operated and screwed together, with a slice of my hip bone in between. So basically I had two operations done at the same time. I did walk out of the hospital the same day with my own to feet, but the recovery and understanding how much my body needs time has been a lot different and longer than I anticipated.

Some might think that I’m the luckiest ever the get the whole summer off for recovery, but it has been hard to think it that way. For me this kind of time usually means more of going through certain issues with myself that I have been pushing aside. And so it has been now too. From deep fear before the surgery to relief, to pretty low depressive periods, to anger to massive frustration to all in between and around. But now, finally that I’m okay’d to start running easy and be active in general from my surgeon, I feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel again. Which feels really stupid as I’ve really tried to push myself to remember how lucky I am that I got my wrist fixed and am recovering when there’s millions of people in very different and bad situations. Whether I wanted or not, I am an human and go through these things in my own way. Now coming back to the side that I like more, waking up more optimistic and not ready frustrated.

Right now, my plan is to try to use this off time to do good, put myself first and really find me and love that me again, be there for others, learn more, write more, listen more, be more. I had to, which has been one of the hardest for me, remove all of my previous plans from this summer and early fall, to admit to myself that I just can’t do those and that I really need to put myself and my body before anything else. For some reason that has been the hardest, just painfully hard. To let go of that dream, that wish, that I can.

But I can so many other things, even when I feel like I’m letting some of my closest people down with needing to be truthful to myself and my recovery, which kills me. But I still can and I need to remind myself of that.

Actually, I made one old dream come true in a way and started a run crew for beginners here in Helsinki. This Wednesday is our first run, where I get to start from zero with others around me. Which is pretty damn great. Very excited about what it all will be. Shamelessly saying that go follow @karmarunners on Instagram to know more. 🙂

I needed to fall in order to understand myself and my life better, I needed to have stupid nonsense drama in my life to be reminded that certain people just aren’t supposed to be in your life or you in some group of people if it doesn’t feel right. Less is more, quality over quantity and always listen to that gut feeling, always!

PATIENCE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. MORE LOVE. PMA ❤

#BTGBGD To Make A Connection Where There Is A Great Difference

 

 

 
BTG -BGD sunday (25 van 47)Trying to explain and write down last weekend feels like I’m supposed to explain something magical that doesn’t exist for most people of this earth. That’s what it really is, magic. Magic of people who “shouldn’t” get together and loving the crap out of each other. That’s what Bridge The Gap Belgrade was. We were making a connection where there is a great difference.

I knew last Fall that I wanted to travel to Serbia as soon as I knew that there will be a BTG event, it’s not your everyday travel destination, and the idea of being able to get to know the people and the city better sounded amazing! I also made a decision before the trip that I didn’t want to do any research and go there with complete blank page. That ended up being one of the best decisions, as with that mindset you see the city and it’s people in a total new and open way. You’re not afraid of something you shouldn’t be in the first place, you trust yourself more and are more open to whatever comes your way.img_4802-1

I’m not sure if I’m able to do justice to the best BTG weekend I’ve been part of, apologies to others, but this is the truth. For me at least, and I know that to many many more that attended. The amount of love that we shared was insane!

Before my trip I was a bit worried how it all will go, as I wasn’t sure who from my friends before are going to be there and was afraid that I would feel like an outsider for some reason. Well how wrong was I going to be…img_4725

From Finland the best way is to travel through Sweden, which I did and to my joy I met first new friend at the check in line and soon was surrounded by close to 20 local crewmembers from Ssideline Stockholm. My trip could not been starting any better. Straight up I felt welcome and my worries were just vanished and soon we were on our way to Belgrade!

And what a way to arrive… There was a group of runners a bit from all over the place at the airport waiting for us, taking us to the party that others were waiting or more like enjoying themselves :). I have to say that it was the best to see some people that I only knew through Instagram but still felt like friends or those friends who traveled all the way from US. The first night went on and in the middle of it I found my way to my hosts place, who was the best, amazing Emelie <3.img_4743-1

In the middle of the night, Belgrade felt almost a bit scary with no idea of anything in the darkness. But once I opened the curtains on Friday morning, oh my how surprised I was of it’s beauty, old and new next to each other in this weird harmony. And that sunshine that blessed us the whole weekend. Felt like I was on some vacation that I had been needing for the last 6 months, which was not far from the truth at all.img_4734-1

Friday was all about seeing people and hugging and having a shake out run and get together and pasta party. The amount of love again, was overwhelming. The thing is that when you find your tribe, you know it, and these people are my tribe. The ones who I can be and always feel like me, exactly who I am, without needing to think anything. And that’s what I love the most. There’s no judgement, no one will think differently of you whether you do this or that, the unity between us all is so amazing, and something that the world should have more.img_4856

To feel that way is special in that big of a group of people, which spans around the world.

And then came Saturday and the race! I knew early on that I will be cheering with my broken wrist and with the degrees all the way up to +30 C I wasn’t too sad about my choice. 🙂 Which only made me respect my friends who did run so much more!2016-04-16_09-16-40DSC_0522

I don’t think I’ve ever cheered as much I did, and with so many amazing people. We had the best group of people doing what we did best. The rule is “if you don’t run, you must cheer”, and we took that rule seriously. So seriously that the sunburns and lost voices were not few but common between us. I don’t know why but these days I love cheering way more than running, or let me clear this, running a road race :). There’s just something amazing about seeing your friends and running next to them, hugging them, cheering them on with all you got. Sharing the love you have in you is the best thing I know! And to everyone, not just your friends obviously. Were were cheering on full blast since the race started to the last runner, and that’s how it’s supposed to be! The last runner is the bravest in my heart, the amount of courage you need to push on when all you want to do is stop and still keep moving, inspirational is an understatement. And I really loved how those runners who had finished came to the cheer point and cheered with us and shared the love that they had gotten earlier. That is #crewlove!DSC_2512img_4785img_4776

After little naps and mending those sunburns it was time for the after party!

And what a party it was! Those parties are something I always wait, they make your heart sing with happiness. There’s so many friends, you get to dance with the best people to the best music and I doubt that there’s ever been anyone who has been able to leave without a massive smile on their face. But as with all the best parties, I keep our “secrets” secrets haha. These are things that you just have to experience for yourself, just like our cheerpoints. 😉2016-04-17_00-46-34DSC_1926img_4796-1

Sunday came, maybe little too fast after Saturdays happenings, but damn it started good. Our organizing crew, BURT – Belgrade Urban Running Team, had done something so beautiful. They planted trees in a park for all the crews attending, and we had this amazing ceremony to open the park. And there was also this amazing surprise to all the crews and to myself too. During the race, at our cheerpoint, we had a graffiti painter doing a massive piece. And at the ceremony the guys cut it in equal pieces and gave to the crews attending as a thank you. And then I got the biggest surprise, that humbled me and still does, to the core and everywhere else too, Nikola all of sudden said my whole name and I didn’t understand why at all. He then said words so nice and loving that I don’t remember at all anymore as the whole situation felt so surreal to me :). He gave me piece of the graffiti as a thank you for my support and love to them. This still brings almost tears to my eyes, to feel that loved is a privilege and I wish that every damn one could feel like I did on that moment and weekend. Thank you! ❤BTG -BGD sunday (44 van 47)

Still a day and a half left, what to do? Wondering around the city with your friends without a plan, best! Again, Belgrade is just amazing. It’s so warm and open and the people are the same. Food is just amazing and so cheap for us coming from the euro area. The city is filled with greenery, beautiful old buildings everywhere next to brand new modern mirror boxes. The history and future are in balanced contrast next to each other. And with the weather we had, it was hard to do anything else than wonder around with friends til the late night.img_4758

And like with any amazing, mindblowing trip this one ended with a last memory. In this case, with two people getting inked memory of the movement on them… I might have been the other one :D. There’s something about this Bridge The Gap of ours. It changes your life, if you let it, in a way that you could never ever even dream of. And how it has changed mine is so huge that it’s hard to put down. But I didn’t even need to really think why I would want to have it tattooed on me. With the handwriting of my dear dear friend Nikola, from the local crew, part of my international family. To his surprise of course, but sometimes you show your love in funny ways. And I have to give big shoutout to Grisha, for getting as amazing tattoo as he did! And massive thank you to Nemo from Karavampir Tattoo Club.img_4812-1img_4859-1

Monday ended at the new indoor running center with loads of fun with the rest of us that was still there. There were goodbyes, hugs, photos, smiles, and all the love.

I had to leave super early on Tuesday morning, which I would’ve rather moved weeks if not months further. It’s not easy to explain why or what it is about Belgade and it’s people that makes you feel as good as I feel still. But what I can say is that it’s the love we share. The openness of it all. The camaraderie that we have around the globe. And again it’s the love, sharing it with the ones you don’t even know that well but they are part of something bigger than we all are. I feel very very blessed to have friends and family around the world like I do. Without running and Bridge The Gap I wouldn’t.BTG -BGD sunday (15 van 47)

I wish I could thank each and everyone but there would be way over 400 names to write down and I don’t want to forget any, so I send this to you. Thank you for taking me in to your lives and sharing what you love the way you do. My life is so much richer with you all. I wish you all know how much you mean to me. LoveLoveLove. And I will hug you when we see again, because one way or another we will see soon again! This is not a goodbye this is see you in a bit. ❤

BTG. LOVE. PMA. CREWLOVE. ❤img_4854

 

 

 

Healing & Dealing, Dealing & Healing

img_4285I just needed to be by myself, to hear my steps, my breath and silence the exhaustion filled over stimulated mind of mine. I needed to exhaust my physical being so that my mind would calm down finally. I needed to run. I finally needed a run. I just needed that feeling of healing with every step. I started that ever long road of healing and dealing, dealing and healing.

I have been so overly exhausted lately that it’s gone to the point where I don’t even recognize it. My whole being has just wanted a break, from everything. While still feeling happy and excited and positive at times, I’ve also felt so deep rooted pain, hurt and pure anger. And I haven’t really known a way to deal with them, to help myself heal from all that has been bubbling in me. Some of it from years and years ago, some very recent.

I feel that while 2015 was all about running, and healing those broken pieces I had from losses in my life, and that all really empowering me, at the same time it took me to a point where I just didn’t want to run at all. I was tired of it and I wanted something completely new. Maybe I wanted a break from those memories that running has brought in my life. But I really didn’t want to run. At all.

“Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live.”

This year I’ve very slowly started finding running again, but with a total different mindset. I’m running for myself. I don’t care about times, speed or distance. I just run if I feel like it.

But last weekend and today I felt that I need to run. I needed to be on my own for little over and hour and just listen to my steps. And all of sudden that empowering me started embracing itself tonight. Out of nowhere I felt how I had my old push when going uphill. Running was all of sudden fun again.

I think I’ve forgotten myself so deeply the past half a year or so, that I’ve forgotten why I started doing certain things that I truly love and that make me feel a lot better. I’ve been feeling so lost that the exhaustion of trying to find myself again just dug a deeper hole in me. While at the same time I’ve found those people that truly are the ones I want to keep close and be more social with. I’ve been in this weird situation where I can’t figure out really what feels good and what not, and then out of nowhere those flip sides and I’m all confused again.

Healing and dealing broken pieces in yourself take time, but sometime it all comes after a long time, when you already thought that you’re better from it all. And then it hits you like a tidal wave and you have nothing to say about it, you try to embrace it but in reality you just feel like you’re drowning. That’s how I’ve really felt lately. I want to feel happy and positive again, but I also feel like I have no energy for anything. Nothing.

Those pieces in me have started to move and that makes me feel like I have no control of it. That I have so much pain in me that comes out as anger and hate and anxiousness and just fuck off!

I realised tonight on my run, that I’ve forgotten completely why I started to run in the first place those couple of years ago. I felt so bad back then that I needed some kind of outlet, physical outlet, to calm my over stimulated mind that was trying to heal and deal all those things I was going through with myself at the time. Well… I’m doing the same exact thing now, but didn’t want to let them out in any way. Somehow thought that it’s better if I just try to be with them, not do anything else than just think and sometimes talk about them. That obviously didn’t work out like I intended. I was so fucking exhausted today before I knew that I need to run. I had nothing in me when I put my running clothes on, nothing when I stepped out the door. I felt numb. But after the first hill my mind started clearing. My head started popping ideas, writing topics and memories like it did before, before I forgot why I run. And for some time I forgot everything, I just ran. I felt the crispy cold air on my face. I only heard my steps and my breath. I was starting to be in peace again. I started to feel myself again. I needed to run, to remember why I run, to feel alive again, to feel like I need to write to feel better again, to feel so physically tired that my mind let’s me sleep without crazy animated dreams, to let that anger and hate out, to feel empowered, to feel that I can do it all again, to feel like I have nothing to be afraid of again, to remember who I really am again, to love again.

Life is filled with ups and downs, some of us has them more and the valleys and mountains are a bit lower and a bit higher than others. But if you listen to yourself and what it’s trying to tell you, you will do good. I forgot how to love two things that I love the most. I forgot why running and writing make me feel so good. I forgot myself in the midst of pain and feeling broken. But I’m on my way back.

PMA. ❤

DOXA Run – New Running Apparel Brand & Interview With John Hansen

DOXA_Image_InstagramI first saw the logo of DOXA early last summer, while I lived in Copenhagen. Probably through Instagram and started following them, thinking that they had a nice look to their gear. I wanted to interview John Hansen, the creator and designer behind the brand, to get to know why and how it all started.

John is a seasoned runner and designer who wanted to bring a clothing line for running that would work through the workout to everyday life. I really like how he’s looking at this idea and how he also wants to do good while he’s at it. DOXA has a Kickstarter campaign now for their first capsule collection and they will give 50 race singlets to Kenswed Academy in Nairobi, Kenya, if the campaign is funded. The school is a way to give the children a chance for better living conditions and future. Here’s the link to the school for you to check it out .

Who are you and what is your background?

My name is John and I’m 36 years and have worked with fashion for 15 years, the last 1 year as self-employed in AITY Consultancy, where I do design work for different danish brands.

Alongside all this I have DOXA – the place where I unite my passion for running and my hobby and interest in fashion. I live in Copenhagen where the social running crews has been exploding the last few years. This definitely awoke my interest even more of combining fashion and running – to become a part of the new athleisure trend.
What is Doxa? And what is it to you?

As mentioned above, DOXA is more or less the person I am, running, fashion and lifestyle combined into one.

DOXA is everything for me, but at the moment I’m not able to make a living by the brand, but hopefully it will turn into that one day.

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Where did the idea behind Doxa come from?

DOXA was born out of my idea to bring something new into the running scene. I know I can’t compete with the more established brands such as Nike and Adidas, but there is a lot of space for other brands, who makes cool running gear with an urban approach. Because these days people want to look cool before, during and after their social run with all their friends, colleges and maybe their love of life – who knows.

Where the name Doxa comes from?
I wanted to create a name that had a visuel effect and that I could work with in different prints and effects on my product. I like the different geometric shapes of the letters and the shortness of the name. It’s precise and direct and something people hopefully will remember. Another important aspect for me, was that I could incorporate one of the letters in my design and prints-the letter X.

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What is / will be the difference with Doxa compared to other similar brands?

I think that DOXA is different because of the fashion angle. A lot of running apparel maybe looks too sporty(boring) and functional compared to how most customers actually wants to look. When I go by the subway to a park far away to do my trail I would like to blend in with the people and not look like a nerdy runner, who caught the bus like a fail. So in my opinion DOXA is the brand that’s missing in the athlesiure arena-the brand that combines fashion with functionality and makes people look cool. In the end that’s what most people want to.. 🙂

My hope is that DOXA will be sold from fashion stores and giving the costumers the opportunity to combine it with their daily wear. This is also different from what most other similar brands do-a traditional distribution would be through classic sportswear stores. But I believe that DOXA fits in with a mix of fashion and sport and has an edge that will make costumers notice DOXA on the shelves.
Where does the ideas come, with patterns and fits, from?

I combine sport with fashion, so my ideas is born in fashion with the intention of incorporating it with the functionality in sportswear. The fit is the most important part of the product. As a runner myself I know the importance of a good fit, without that you can’t perform. But I also believe that fit is not everything, with the great interest in sportswear you need something that stands out and the customers feel that their running gear reflects their style. People want to feel fashionable while running, not only while out running but also on the way to the running field and when hooking up with their friends after.

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Where do you see Doxa in 5 years? What are your goals?

Hopefully I’m able to work with DOXA as my main business and make a living out of it. I would love to see my brand represented all over the world in selected fashion and sportswear stores. And at the same time I want to keep on working with Global Relations to keep on creating better opportunities for the young talents in Nairobi. Hopefully we can create something bigger and greater together. It’s important for me to be able to contribute to the ones that need the help and support to succeed. And if sometime in the future my work with DOXA could make some young kid in Nairobi life a little bit better, I could not be more thankful.

How did you come up with the idea of doing this all with Kickstarter?

After a lot of brainstorming with a good friend about how to get a new upcoming brand out to the costumer, we came up with the idea to try Kickstarter. I needed a platform to show my work and my dedication to running and the good work at Kenswed. Kickstarter is a great place for new brands to start up and a forum that reaches out to so many people. The interest has been great, but there’s still a long way to the gold. Whether I reach it or not, it has been an amazing journey and I’ve learned so much on the way. Hopefully I will reach my goal and then being able to contribute to Kenswed and send out all the cool runninggear to my cool backers. Kickstarter is hard work, but the risk is low and I would diffidently recommend it to anyone who wants to make awareness of their products and needs there funding to get started.

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Do you have some connection to Kenya or where did the idea for that come from?

The idea was born from the simple idea; that I really wanted to do something good for others not as privileged as me. I met a guy when I was out running with Runners United, we talked a lot about his work in Kenya with the young running talents. He told me how tough their living circumstances were and how running often is a way out of poverty. His good friend Per-Olof Hansson is founder of the NGO Global Relations that works with the young people in Nairobi. So I contacted him and we started talking and sharing ideas. I really admire his work and feel honored to be a part of it.

And last but not least…

What does running mean to you?

It means the world to me! It’s my space away from everything, where I come up with new ideas, where I clear my head and where I gain new energy. Running is my life! I’ve been doing it for over 25 years and I will keep on running as long as my legs let me..

Go and check the Kickstarter campaign HERE! and their website HERE!

And keep yourself updated with the brand at Instagram @DOXARUN

I wish all the best to DOXA and John and hope to see this all grow to what you have dreamed! 🙂

PMA ❤