Hello, my name is Mirka, and whenever I feel like my life is taking a step towards a direction I’ve wanted and I feel a success coming on, ALL my insecurities just jump out and try to make me feel like the tiniest and shittiest imaginable.
I would say that I suffer from the famous “sabotaging your success”, don’t worry it’s not contagious, but it’s very very real.
The thing is, and I’ve written about this before, I’m not wired in a way that I could just enjoy my life when things go well. I’m learning to not behave like this, as it’s not beneficial for myself in any way. But it’s so deeply ingrained in me that it’s very hard, and especially when I’m on the verge of new, something that I’ve wanted to have or do for some time.
I always these days tend to forget that I’ve moved from country to country with little to no plans, and done those things with fear in my belly but still done them. I don’t see myself as a brave person that much, I am proud of what I’ve done these days, but I don’t see those things as brave but that is just what they might be.
But, insecurities. Those motherfuckers, pardon my french. But that is truly what they are, doubters of the highest level.
The fact that I’ve always been a bit of a lone wolf and fairly sensitive might not help in my low moments that much. Obviously I’ve learned to harness those parts of me, like my anxiety and depression or my epilepsy. You find ways with the help of professionals that work with you to live your life to the fullest or at least plumpest.
But goddamn when a moment of true insecurity hits you to your core, you are at it’s mercy and can only ride that shit out.
These days I’ve also learned to say how I’m feeling to a friend or my poor Mom(thanks for always supporting me and giving me some much needed tough love <3). What I’ve found that does, is shake me from that ridiculous feeling those moments bring in me. Because the truth is, insecurity is something we make in our heads, it’s not that real. It’s part of the doubt family, which is also fairly fictional and rarely has anything to do with reality of your skills or knowledge of said insecurity.
I hate and love that feeling when I feel absolutely ridiculously idiotic, when my friends or Mom just shake me out of that moment with some much needed tough to the toughest love. Because that’s exactly what should happen. For me it works, I’m not saying it’s the same for everyone, but because I am where I am with myself and the work I’ve done with and for myself, I know I can take it all.
Admitting our insecurities and vulnerable feelings is what makes us stronger, it’s just not something that gets the airtime it deserves. Admitting our imperfections makes us more real, and that is never a bad thing.
I’m not sure why I still get so petrified every now and again, to the bone scared. And it’s always, absolutely always just before things are going to change for the better.
The struggle I’ve lived with, mostly because of my own doing let’s be real and honest here… Yeah, I have not made my own damn life too easy for myself at times. But with over 36 years now under my belt, I think it’s time to just enjoy this all. See and embrace the fact that I’ve worked so hard on myself, I’ve changed so many massive things that are real hard to face. That is brave and even I can admit that.
But because in the past I had a habit of making my life harder than it needed to be, I have moments like today when I just feel like I’m crumbling under it all, the new that could open all those doors I’ve worked towards.
Fear is not always a bad thing, it’s actually one of the best things to keep us awake and alert to what is going on around us, but when it stops us to our tracks it’s the one in charge. And that is something we should never let it be.
So the conundrum is that how can I be the one who takes risks fairly easy and is impulsive, can also be the one who is absolutely terrified of her life going smoothly and actually enjoying what it has to offer.
How can the need to put yourself out there and the need to learn something new that shows how you just don’t know everything, which is impossible by the way, can crumble that confidence that shows itself so easily when it comes to taking risks or living the exact way you want when it’s only you.
What I’m realising while writing is that when I do things on my own I’m not too scared, when it’s to do with someone else I get terrified, not something that is a mind blowing realisation by any means. Actually makes me almost laugh out loud or at least snort a bit.
But like I’ve said before, there are also downsides to being able to be so comfortable on your own… You don’t have to show your uncomfortable moments the same way as when you are with others and those moments when in front of them. But that doesn’t really make sense either when I think of myself, because I’ve always been really good at working with people and feel rarely scared or intimidated in those moments. I’ve learned how to build this certain kind of wall of confidence around me with my outgoing persona in those moments, that falls off right away when I am on my own when I enjoy my introverted ways maybe a bit too much. I’m a forever working progress and I’ve accepted and truly embraced that quite some time ago.
Our humanity is sometimes just too much to carry. We get tired of how we behave, tired of some of our personality traits that just are part of us no matter what we do, tired of it all. Sometimes we question if any of it makes any sense, in those moments it usually doesn’t. And that is okay too, we just have to try to remember it when it all feels a bit too much.
No one knows everything, and will never know everything, if something then that would be terrifying. How boring would our life be if nothing would keep us on our toes every now and then?
Self love and understanding aren’t always nice or easy, but it is what we will or should do daily as a practice that never ends.
I can feel the tension releasing in me while I write this, I can feel the gentle understanding and love finding it’s way back to me. Slow and steady my breathing is calm again from that anxious pace it was earlier today. I move my body to my favorite songs and just let the soothing music flow over me.
In the end it’s usually fairly small things that help. Talking to a friend or a family member and saying that I just don’t feel the best with this. Asking for help when feeling unsure how to move on with the task at hand. Give yourself a damn break and some credit for all you’ve gone through and done. And kick those insecurities to the curb and not feed them, because they can eaaaaat!
And remind that it is completely natural to feel a bit all over the place when you are not working and are on furlough, and trying to figure your future in the midst of it all. Come on, we’re in the middle of a pandemic still too!
The fact that I’m far from what someone has decided to call perfect, is one of my favorite things about myself. It all makes me real, and real is good.
So, here I am feeling so much better once again after I’ve let my fingers do the dancing on this keyboard. I’m reminded why I did this as much as I did before and why I should definitely get to back to that routine.