I Thought I Lost You, But You Are There Still

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Last week a friend of mine took some photos of me, I’ve asked her is she could as I needed some for my updated CV. I never thought that the images she took could make me feel the way they did. She was able to capture me, really me, the one I thought I lost during the past months.

For majority of this year I’ve felt a bit lost with myself. First because I was so adamant with my weird feeling of not wanting to stay in Finland, it felt like a prison sentence, I didn’t want to have anything solid here. I fought so hard against it all. And then with my wrist operation I think I grew tired of fighting, as I had to fight against so many other weird feelings that the operation had brought up.

The difference between this year and last is so big that sometimes I feel that they have to have more than one New Year between them. Last year was so much, it was planned and about jumping to whatever came to me, just taking whatever without thinking what it might mean in some time. I was just rushing and living, maybe too much, maybe not enough, but maybe I let myself actually live for the first time in really long time. I had been keeping myself back for so long that I just let loose and flew, not to the right direction by any means all the time, but I was still flying. And ended up my year with my wings almost cut off.

This year started with me looking in the mirror and realising things that I didn’t want to face, as I knew that they will rip all those scars that I had carefully tried to heal, open again to the core. And through this year I’ve looked myself in the mirror with that same look, quite a few times. Feeling lost and not sure what to do about it, feeling like I’m suffocating, feeling disappointed in myself, mind and body. I think that’s been the hardest to take, knowing that now I actually need to take a step back and that I can’t rush like last year. I need to heal, I need to give myself a break, I need to be patient in the many ways of that word. And it’s been very very hard. Depression has crept it’s ugly head at times, but there’s been still something that has kept me without sinking completely.

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

When I saw the photos my friend took last week tonight, I looked at myself in a different way, in new and more positive eyes. I’ve looked myself in the mirror end of this summer with new eyes few times, with a gentle and loving way, saying to myself that “you are beautiful and enough”. And smiled to what that notion has done to my face, it soften and glowing in a way I thought I lost already completely.

And today when I looked at my own face from those photos, I felt so beautiful.

It’s been such a long time I’ve felt like that. Since my operation it’s been so hard to accept the changes on my body, when I can’t be as active as I’ve been. The weight gain and lost of muscle and the cellulite, the evil cellulite that makes you feel so unwomanly for some reason. I looked photos from last summer when I felt so much like I’m in my own skin for the first time, and then this summer I looked at my body in a mirror and it was so far from what it was so little time ago. I tried to say to myself that you’ll get it back soon, but what I just wanted to do deep down was to eat more and make myself feel even worse. Which obviously doesn’t make any sense, but I was at the start again with my body, after all that insanely hard work I’d done for the past 3 something years. I had worked and worked for a body I had always dreamed of, and now it was gone.

It has been such a long summer, and not in a easy breezy nice way. I’ve looked and read and been on the sidelines as others have been living this summer like I wanted to live it. I’ve had to accept the very slow process of healing from two operations at once. Having very good things happening too, like having my own home and not feeling like I want to go again, but not being able to really be happy about all of it. It’s taken me all the way to August to slowly finding me again. 2016 hasn’t been my favorite, at least yet, I might change my mind later about that.

But something changed when I saw myself in those photos. I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t looked like there’s pain and frustration behind my eyes. I looked like I am happy again, slow and steady getting my real happy back.

I’m not expecting anything drastic of myself now. I want to show myself that I can again, just like I did little over 3 years ago, when this whole journey started. I’m in a new beginning. But I have great people to make this start easier and filled with deep rooted laughs and tears and honesty.

Let’s do this, once again.

PMA ❤

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

 

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29 Days Of Gratitude – Day 15

Reminder to all of us <3

Reminder to all of us!

My challenge got a bit paused for some time, but I’m back. And today was a great day to do a little come back.

I was definitely reminded about how amazing my life is and how blessed I am to have the people in it that I do. We all need those moments, to realize, just to realize how good it is. To start again from tiny things of positivity and gratitude.

I was back at work for the first day after being at home feeling miserable and confused after my epilepsy seizure. And the feeling, with nerves and worry how they would welcome me back, which obviously was a bit foolish because… I felt so loved and welcome. I really needed that reminder of how amazing my colleagues are. Thank you!

And how great feeling it was to be back at work, doing what I do and really enjoying it. Maybe we all need a moment at times in our lives where we are ripped from what we love, to realize how important it really is to us. That of course can mean so many different things, but in my case I needed this full stop and rest to realize how much I really love what I do. My wrist my hurt more than all together in the past two weeks but I’ll take that with a tired smile.

What made me super happy today or any day is/was to be able to help someone in someway, just say a nice word or share their joy, sorrow, whatever, or just be polite, something we somehow these days forget too often. Just be polite and say thank you.

I had these amazing moments of random acts of kindness today, by people I just met or some of my dearest friends, new and old. And the way I was in front of those moments and people, made me seriously understand how goddamn lucky I am. I am definitely not alone, I have such a huge safety net of people in my life to catch me if I fall. I’ve had so many years of my life that I truly believed that I was completely alone and that no one really cared about me at all. How wrong was I! And how happy I am to be wrong like that!

Now I am tired, so tired from just being back at my normal life, but I’m tired with a lucky and blessed and self loving smile on my face, because of the people around me and the simple fact that I decided to start believing in good and seeing good in every little moment.

Less is more and love makes everything better ❤ PMA!

I Like Wrinkles, I Like The Stains Of Age…

It’s a simple quote from one amazingly talented lady, Isabel Marant, but what she said in this video below sunk deep in me and just made something burst and glow of YES!

“I like wrinkles, I like the stains of age – imperfection has a lot of charm. It has its own language and I think it speaks much more than something that is completely perfect. It’s never perfect so you search for perfection but you never really totally reach it.”

-Isabel Marant

Growing older is scary at times. You realize how fast time moves on, and how little you’re able to do with it. You understand that you need to get cracking if you want to accomplish those dreams and wishes and goals. You look at your body and you see those signs. You look at it with a new found respect, new found appreciation. You look at that part with cellulite but still look at the whole with love. You know what your body has gone through and wish that the future wouldn’t be that hard on it, but know that it can take it no matter what. I love the notion that my life will show on my body. Those millions of tears and especially all those smiles and belly laughs will be on my face with love marks. You remember some touch from years and you smile because of how it still can make you feel. You also remember a sensation of pain from some other time, and you almost shiver just from the thought of it. All of it is on you. It’s part of you.

But the gratitude, of how much my body has endured. All that yo yo of a life that it has taken from me. It’s still there, broken somewhere, but still there. I can feel that I’m not “there” anymore, but I’m still very much here and stronger with some well deserved jiggly bits.

What ageing does is give you a love through it all, you love the skin you’re in because it’s the only skin you got. There’s no reason to fight it because the marks will always be there, it will remember all the fights. But what it does when you love it and devour the beauty of it, that is amazing. It let’s you be you with all you are. It plays along with your recklessness but still let’s you play. But you have to respect it too. Because it’s always, always, smarter than you, and it will out play you in a heart beat. No fools in that corner.

Day by day, I love myself more. I love the body I’m in. I love how loyal it has been. And how much smarter and cleverer it is and always will be. Thank you for taking all that I’ve put you through. Thank you. ❤

Getting There : Isabel Marant video

Live. Learn. Grow. Move On.

I didn’t have any kind of crisis when I turned 30, I was just happy to get a clean start, but I feel like I’m in some search momentum in my life now. Wouldn’t say a crisis, but a search of a bigger picture of myself, yes.

Live

If something, I have lived. Ups and downs more than one could need. Struggle that’s only made me stronger than I ever thought possible. Even through it all, I’m happy for all the heartbreaks and losses and struggles. I would not be anywhere close to who I am now without them, and where I am now is the best I’ve ever been. And I always wished when I was younger that that day when I’m in a rocking chair I would have stories, I do have those and keep living to have more of them.img_3042Learn

I could’ve chosen easier routes and roads to go forward but I’ve always chosen the ones that make me learn the most. Not easy, but worth it. I’m in a point in my life where I know that I won’t have unlimited amount of time, so I want to do the things now that I want and dream, but I don’t want to rush my life just experiencing. Things have a habit of figuring themselves out, if I just trust that. All have before so all will in my future too. Trust that gut of yours and don’t try to control everything too much. Risks are always worth taking. And, never, ever loose that yearn to learn more.

“If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself.”

-Nikita Gill

Grow

I might be almost 32, but that doesn’t mean that I have to be where the majority of my peers are. I don’t need to do and live my life in a way that is expected in some grand scheme of things. All will happen that is meant to happen, and what won’t doesn’t mean that my life wouldn’t be successful and fulfilling for me. But I’ve needed to grow to understand that some things I yearn won’t wait, I need to do what I have bubbling in me. I also don’t feel like I need to wait to say “those” things to people, if I have something that I want to be honest about. I’ve grown enough with myself to be sure and strong woman that I don’t need to take whatever people throw at this world to each other. It’s okay for me to stand up for myself and keep myself on the number one spot. So let yourself grow to that person you have in you, let that amazing You come out. I’m learning and growing into that person every damn day.

“Being both soft and strong is a combination very few have mastered.”

-Yasmin Mogahed

Move On

Let go of those people, things, habits, whatever you are dragging with you. Those things that hold you back from being the best you, you can be. We aren’t going to be here forever and you and I owe it to ourselves to be honest to ourselves and let go of all that negativity, and just be truthful and happy with what we have. The freedom you get from letting go is insane. But give yourself time for all that work that you need to grieve, to be mad, to be sad, to cry, to let go, to forgive and especially forgive yourself. And in the end and through it all, lovelovelove yourself. You deserve only good in your life, whatever it is that makes you happy and feel good, give that space to yourself and let go of all unnecessary. And remember that is completely okay to move on. And also remember, you are only a human, you don’t have to be able to take everything. You make mistakes, that you move on from. It’s all good.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”

-Rumi

PMA ❤

https://vimeo.com/145243044

Evolution Of Interests

IMG_1321Evolution of interests, when it comes to me, I’ve gone from one to another with a speed of light at times in my life. The speed of this in my childhood was pretty rapid…

I remember how I wanted to try every sport there was, almost. I started one, decided that I will be the best at it, but when realising that I need to actually do something about the fact that I want to be the best, I lost interest. Well, maybe that’s a bit harsh, but I really lost interest and still do fairly fast. Of course I’ve learned to be a bit more patient, but I admire people still who really concentrate on something and practise and practise and get insanely good at it and still keep doing it. There’s not too many things in my life that I would have even half of that effort.

I was thinking about this last weekend, when I was visiting my childhood city with my family and we passed this place I used to play table tennis at. I remembered how I decided back then that it was the thing for me, and also how fast I just dropped all interest in it.

I think since I was a kid, I’ve had this want of being really good, so good at something that people would be looking up to me. Not so much these days, but there’s still sometimes this want, this childlike yearn of it at times. I’ve come to realise that it probably had a lot to do with this insecurity and feeling of not being good enough when I was a kid. Maybe I was thinking in me that if I could just be really great people would notice me in a good way, not like usually at school, that I was in their way or the odd one or whatever.

The funny thing is that I think I’ve excelled at things that are more hidden. I have to finally admit to myself that I am pretty brave, at least these days. I was when I was younger too, I just lost that me for some time in between. I have always been really good at seeing little things in bigger picture, I’m able to use that skill these days in my work. By the way, now when I really wanted to list couple of things about where I am really good, I am totally blanking out haha. The point is that I’m not hiding anymore with what I have in me. I’m being okay with me being who I am and not like everyone else. I don’t have to have a university degree to feel good about myself anymore, or at least I’m finally getting rid of that feeling. And goddamn it was in me deep!

But still I have that in me, that weird way of being interested in something 150% and then after a while just loosing that whole thing. And then I find something else and dive deep in it… Not as fast or deep as before, but the tendency is still there. It’s part of who I am. And until couple of weeks ago I felt a bit almost annoyed by it. But then I saw this amazing TED talk about exactly that!

Emelie Wapnick : Why some of us don’t have one true calling?

It made me feel so much better about myself and how I take on things. There’s nothing wrong with that, actually it is a strength in me! YAY! I am a MULTIPOTENTIALITE!

I was also talking with one friend of mine, a new one and we were talking about how we are and take new situations, and he was describing himself and I was just thinking that that is me, that is exactly me! Which also made me feel good. I am not alone, of course I know that I am not alone with this but it is comforting to know that you have similar people around you. Which I do these days, most of my friends are like me in many ways. I have loads of introverts in them, people who fight their mental health battles just like me, people that I can be me with. I guess that’s part of growing up, you learn to surround yourself with people who understand you and push you in a way you need.

But there’s been this small concern about how I am when it comes to running. I’ve felt for so long this summer that I’m just not that interest in it. I felt that I’ve lost that fire in it that kept me going for so long. But in the end I realised that I’ve just made it feel too much of a HAVE TO and less of something I GET TO do. The pressure of all, in my head, got the best of me. The down side of having a huge friend group around me who runs and are pretty damn great at it. So back to the basics it is. I feel like that’s all I need now. Easier said than done, as that funny little child voice in me wants to still be the best… But I’ll try.

I feel that I’m finding myself in that speed of light these days, and it’s confusing and amazing at the same time. Scary as fuck, just to state the obvious, too! I’m all about this DO YOU life now. And every time I feel like is this good that I want to do this or that, I remind myself that just DO YOU and then it will be good! I owe it to myself to be true and exactly who I am. No one else can live this life for me or make me happy than myself, so I should DO ME and nothing else. 🙂

PMA AND DO YOU ALL THE WAY ❤IMG_9409