Alone Isn’t Lonely Or?

received_10155286336068458.jpegAlone isn’t lonely or is it? There’s different kinds of lonely feelings or states of feeling lonely. Not everyone of them automatically mean that we want or need someone in our lives, like I feel that a lot of people assume when saying that I feel lonely.

Being and able of being alone isn’t a bad thing in any way. It’s necessary, without being able to be on your own and with yourself makes it really hard for you to be able to be with someone else. In a romantic relationship that is.

Though it is necessary to be able to be with your own self in peace, in general. To be able to take life without needing someone by your side is super important, at least to me. That doesn’t mean that we need to be alone all our lives, it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t need anyone in our lives, no. It means that we need to be able to be at peace without someone next to us all the time.

I’ve never been good at having a lot of people in my life. Never had loads of close friends. In general I suck at letting people close, or I suck at it in a way that even though I’ve been hurt and back stabbed multiple times, I let people too close and then end up regretting trusting them. So after quite a few, million, tries I’ve become fairly cautious with people. So usually when I let someone close and actually get a good feeling these days, I let them know, which can scare some and I understand that. I’m at times maybe too intensive of a person. Or my weird in tune with myself being can feel a bit too much to some. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve never been the one who is asked out to spend time that much. I tend to spend shit tons of time alone. Most of the time I’m okay with it, but lately I’ve really missed having more social time in my life. After that gazillioned Saturday night alone at home you just feel like there has to be more to this…

I think my feelings towards loneliness and feeling alone have changed over the years, the more I know myself the easier it is to be with myself. My deep introversion loves the easiness and peace of not having too much happening, but that tiny extrovert side in me yearns it from time to time, and lately I’ve yearned it a lot. I think I’m also a person that people think have a lot of stuff going on in my life all the time and don’t think I feel lonely, but oh how wrong you can be…

After losing two dear and close people in such a short amount of time, or actually three, you don’t even realise how to mourn the loss, it’s not something that is in some how to book and then boom, sorted! I think it’s slowly hitting home, the actual pain and empty feeling about it all.

I’ve been having these almost calling moments to my Grandpa lately, in the past week I’ve almost called him I guess 3 to 5 times. In the last minute I realise that there’s no answer if I do that. I miss him like crazy, I miss hearing his voice and telling him about all the things in my life at the moment. I know how insanely happy he would be to hear about my jobs. I just would love to talk with him about this thing we call life, I miss those times so much it hurts. And here I am writing and really realising that all while tears stream down. That’s how much it all is.

So this loneliness I’m feeling has nothing to do with wanting to have a boyfriend in my life, I know it’s the easy solution that too many think would solve something. I don’t even remember or know how to miss something like that. I don’t have moments too often when I hope that someone would sleep next to me and hold me, yes sometimes, but surprisingly rarely. It’s just not that time now. It’s time to heal myself first, then I think something might happen.

In fact it annoys me quite a bit how many people think because I’m this age, I am probably in a relationship or want one in a desperate way or something as ridiculously similar. That shit won’t make you happy if you’re not ready to really be in one. We all know too many unhappy relationships and not too many really happy ones…

It’s also all too normal these days to be in a situation in your life where you feel completely alone while being surrounded by others or in a relationship. Alone while not physically alone. Because I’ve had those experiences I’ve wanted to rather be alone than in a unhappy relationship or with a group of people I just get nothing from or who aren’t all that interested in me in any real way. So I knew the “risks” in my choices…

Being content and mostly happy on my own is a mystery to many, that’s okay to me. And I know it’s not cool to admit that you feel lonely as hell at times, and just stare at the wall or want to take naps for 3hours. And no that doesn’t automatically mean that my depression is back in full swing, I know the difference all too well, thank you. I just miss my favorite person like fucking crazy and that is making me feel extremely lonely at times, and it’s also reminding me of how little I have those real close people in my life. And I wish that I would have few more, just to have more to do on those weekend nights, which in a way makes me smile now that I write this. Because majority of my friends are in a relationship which means that they are with their significant others usually on those nights. And my wish to spend time doesn’t mean going out, it means spending time together.

While being most of the time extremely happy with my life these days, I absolutely hate these moments of loneliness. Because all I want is to be hugged by someone for a real long time and be able to feel that I’m not as alone as I feel right at this moment. In general I wish I would be hugged way more. I rarely say No to a hug, very rarely. Especially to bear hugs, those are the best ones.

More hugs, more honesty about how we really feel, more love in general. Always more love.

PMA ❤

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You Win Some, You Lose Some

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If you do a proper U-turn in your life for the better, like I have done you get a moment when you realize that You win some, You lose some… Your past isn’t gone, it’s still there, reminding you of who you are and been. Your present and future are just a clean slate, just like you wanted.

Just when I said my last goodbyes to my Grandpa, I started a completely new chapter in my life that has changed it for the better in so many ways. But it’s also reminded me of my weaknesses and how much I tend to care too much. All the new makes it really easy to hide from the pain I still carry, the moments when I only think how much I miss him. Or how tired I am wholeheartedly. And how I really don’t miss majority of last year.

When you are in your new, free of your past, life and people it feels easy for a while until the “normality” of it all comes your daily life again. The thing is, I’m so used to struggling that I don’t even realize when my life is easy and should just let that be, because after all I really deserve just that. But your reality, as in who you are and have been before this, hasn’t gone anywhere. As long as you have stuff to sort out, it will be there. And I still do.

There’s also this funny fear when you are free from your past, at least for a bit. What if I’m not good enough for who I am the way I am. There’s loads of people who have never read any words here and have no idea of what I’ve gone through to be who I am now. I don’t really care about that most of the time, but then there are moments when I wish that my “reality” would be in a way out there, so that if I feel certain way they would just understand and I wouldn’t feel like I need to hide it all. And yes, I know how dramatic that sounds… But it can feel easier to be a little harder than you really are when in front of new people.

I’ve opened my heart in a way, once again, that only I can do. Possible managed to get it hurt while living it up. But that’s the part that makes me appreciate my damn self once again, it shows me with all it’s pain that I still have it in me. To open my heart after all I’ve been through. But there it is, believing in that goodgood while understanding how impossible it all might be. I guess in all the frustration of it all, I don’t even mind. Fuck, I rather have this than nothing at all. Forever believing in good and love.

So from very cryptic to some sense… The thing is that I have had my depressive days again lately, anxiety on high, and they have reminded me of who I am, before all this new. They are part of me, the things that make me this strong, whether I want it or not. But they also remind me of how much I need my ways of handling them. Those things that once kept me alive from drowning depression. I need to run again, even though last year killed it all for me. I need to find my why again with it. I’m doing it for me, not for anyone else. I need to run so that I can write again, on a regular base. About topics that are painful, topics that aren’t pretty to tell to others. Those things I was good at, and while helping myself helping others. By speaking my truth. My truth that I’ve gotten a bit scared of and lost while at it. I also have to remind myself what I’ve lost in only a year, one of my best friends and my Grandpa. Losing people like that leave marks, they remind you of how short this life really is.

I love the me I am today so damn much, I get annoyed why I have to let my heart be so hungry as it is, but damn I love myself so fucking much for all I am. From those naked selfies, to finally embracing my style the way it’s been bubbling under for such a long time. The more I am honestly myself, the more I’ve found that people either love me or hate me. And I’ve let few of those negative moments under my skin, that only pissed me off more. I guess it’s true… I must have leveled up when people hate me. And I’m definitely doing things right. For myself.

I needed the moment when I felt so low and unloved and frustrated as I did, to remember who I really am, and if someone can’t take that, that’s on them not me. And yes, my past has molded me and defined me, but that doesn’t mean that I need to carry it all with me. I’m so much stronger than I ever was purely because of it. So I have no need to take any bullshit anymore. Tolerance is lower and lower daily.

Dreams are on a all time high these days. Damn old dreams are on the brink of becoming reality, because that’s just how I roll. One day soon, to the sunset with that dreamy motorcycle, like I’ve dreamed since I was about 15… Yes, you are allowed to laugh at that image in your head, be sure I am. Though with a smirk that I’m making it reality, finally. 😉

So we win some, we lose some. That’s it. Never be ashamed or embarrassed of your past, it made you who you are. Be proud of that stuff, no matter how ugly it might be. Love your little heart out, even if it hurts at times, just take those risks. You never know what’ll come on the other side of that risk. It might be the best thing you’ve ever done. And give yourself time to get used to it all, that new can be so tiring, don’t push yourself too hard.

I promise to myself to be more open with who I am, no matter who is in front of me. New people might not know all of me, they don’t have to, but I don’t need to feel like I need to hide it either. I like myself, that’s enough.

PMA ❤

Loneliness Or Just Reflecting Yourself?

photo by Anni Vaara

photo by Anni Vaara

That loneliness in a crowd feeling. It creeped up on me last weekend at my dear friends surprise birthday party. It crept and didn’t leave me be for couple of days.

I haven’t felt alone or lonely in really really long time, and now it just hit me hard. Maybe it’s part of me being an introvert and not feeling too comfortable in a group of people that are all social and bubbly and me not knowing most of them, and not being that much into going and asking someones name and starting a conversation. I instantly feel like some third wheel on a completely another level… I just wanted to leave the whole thing and not feel like that.

Maybe because I’ve been so much surrounded with people that are close friends of mine or who I get along great with, that I haven’t had this feeling in a long time, or maybe I’ve just been so busy at my work that I haven’t had any of these changes to be all lonely in a group.

There was few things that made me feel like I didn’t belong, first pretty much all the people there were in a relationship and there with their halfs, and I have nothing against that, I love seeing people happy. But something in it made me feel very alone and weird, like I wasn’t enough like I am, without someone. But at the same time I felt a bit, after a long time too, that it would be nice to have someone at times to share some parts of my life. Not all the time, everyday yet but at times, like Sundays haha, you probably get the point. But it would be very nice to cuddle next to someone who makes me laugh and feels comfortable and likes to spend time with me and wants to get to know me better.

“…You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.”

– J.R.R. Tolkien

I am definitely at a point in my life where I’m learning, the last pieces, to put myself first and enjoying what that all can bring, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to feel special at times too. There’s something about that feeling when you get a text from someone who instantly makes you smile. But then I’m thinking if I would even have time to have someone in my life, probably the easiest would be to have someone in another country so it would be hard to feel bad that you want to be alone and not feel guilty that you just want to take things very slow and learn who the other one is, see each other from time to time to see how you feel.

Though, is that really possible?

Somethings that I really won’t compromise anymore are that I won’t be anything else that I am, I’ve done so many compromises with that in the past years in relationships that no more, thank you. If you want me to be something I’m not, please keep moving, I have no interest with the same love, that just breaks me and makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me and how I love.

Maybe that was why I felt surprised by that deep lonely feeling, I haven’t truly felt like that in a long time, it felt new almost. Almost like I am not enough or like there’s something wrong with me, which is all bullshit, there’s nothing wrong with me and I am more than enough!

“I am mine. Before I am ever anyone else’s.”

– Nayyirah Waheed

I feel like these days we want to make everything so hard with all these million ways of communication and it just makes me feel confused and yearn to those old days when you called to the one you were interest in and talked and maybe saw them and that’s it. Maybe it’s me, I am so open and honest with everything, without a filter with my feelings that I tend to freak others out. Then again, I don’t want to filter myself because I wouldn’t be who I am if I would.

Maybe it was good to feel a bit lonely like I did last weekend, it reminded me that I have a tendency to feel like that in a group without it really meaning that much more. I just like to be in a smaller group of people and not have to be super social with unknown people. And it was good to me to admit that I would like to have some warmth from another person in my life. And there’s nothing wrong with that either. But it’s also good to admit that I wouldn’t want or be ready for a serious relationship now. So all in all, it was good to feel how I felt. To reflect all that is and has been going on. Maybe there’s someone that makes me smile these days, maybe he knows. All I know is that my life is good as it is at the moment, but cuddles and those different kinds of hugs are welcome too. And I have to remember and maybe wish that we all remember, that we all were strangers to each other once.

LOVE. HARD. UNFILTERED. BE YOURSELF. PMA ❤