Things That You “Shouldn’t” Speak Out Loud

img_3091Those things that you’ve been keeping inside of you for almost 20 years, or 10 years or couple of years. Those things that have made you who you are without you wanting anything to do with them. Those that been with you even though you would rather have all of them gone. Those that you feel embarrassed or ashamed or scared of. I’m talking about something that is probably the hardest thing to write “out loud” but also feel like it’s the most important thing to write Out Loud. I’m talking about how I’ve been living and carried with me the notion of someone abusing or harassing me, mentally or physically. And not just once, all those times when I knew that telling about them would do nothing. Or knew that I should tell but didn’t have the courage to do it, because I was so ashamed.

Like that time almost 20 years ago, when a boy I really liked, almost raped me. Saying while pulling my pants down, that it will only last a second and how it’s not going to hurt. And how me saying No, didn’t do anything to his attempts, before I manage to kick him away from me. And how I didn’t realize before just couple of years ago how wrong and huge thing that is. How it broke a piece of me when I was just starting to grow as a person and a woman.

Or when an old boyfriend in the middle of a fight hit my head to a wall and how him saying I’m sorry many times just made the whole thing disappear with time.

Or when studying at a restaurant school, working in the teaching restaurant, nervously taking an order, older man smiles at me and touches my butt. And me feeling like I can’t do anything about this, nothing, almost like it’s normal behaviour from men.

Or when someone decides that it’s completely okay for them to first send you dick picks to your email and then start to call you in the middle of the night just heavy breathing. And when you go to the police station to report him because his phonenumber wasn’t secret, they just say to you that they can’t do anything and that I should just change my phonenumber.

Or all those times when someone has used my kindness and mentally abused me and played with me, to a point when I think that I’ve done something wrong and I’m some piece of shit whore.

Or those days when it was so warm that I had to go on my runs late in the evening, wearing regular running shorts and a shirt, and being followed, yelled at, whistled, honked and followed with a car. And that terrifying knowledge in you that you can’t do anything and rather not even react because you’re alone there and have no idea what they can do if you say something to defend yourself.

There’s been a lot of talk about this subject lately in different medias. It’s made me sad, then angry, then sad and then feel that all those years of layers that I’ve built on top of those moments of feeling like nothing, are peeling off and me feeling pretty scared to feel and remember all of them again.

One thing that I’ve had in my life since I was a kid, has been mental harassment and violence. I’ve grown to it, thinking that it’s normal that someone does and says things like that. Which has followed me finding myself in similar relationships. Those years when I was growing to me and who I am as a woman, were scattered with different kind of abuse. And the saddest thing is that the world we live in makes you not want to talk about them, because the response usually is something like “are you sure it really happened like that?” or “I think you’re over reacting” or “are you sure it’s not your fault too?” or “that’s only your side of the story”.

I remember how when I was in my early twenties, I turned the whole thing around trying to be in control, by using my sexuality as a tool. Thinking that if I’m strong and sexy and “willing”, then I’m in control. Which obviously wasn’t right. Because what had happened in my past, had left pretty damn dark scars in me, which meant that I was terrified when it got “down to it”. I was able to talk dirty and tease but when it got to the actual thing, I could not be more scared.

The way guys were and still are, selfish in how they behave when it comes to sex, makes you feel like your pleasure isn’t worth the same as theirs. So you give more than you receive and feel guilty when you say that this is not right. Or even just wanting more  than you were given, aka what you deserve equally. But when you have those memories of someone touching you or trying to touch you in a way that you didn’t want or feel at all comfortable with, it’s even harder to be you with all of you. You feel so strongly that you don’t deserve anything and that you’re not worthy, you’re nothing in a way.

It’s really scary how things that could feel really small to someone, can hurt and leave deep deep scars in another. The moment you feel insecure when you walk out the door, is already too much. Or when you feel that it’s better that I don’t say what happened, because it doesn’t lead to anything better. Or when you just know that you will never hear “I’m sorry for what I did” from that person whose used you in one way or another. It’s also really scary how so much of mental or verbal abuse happens close to us. It comes from those who should never, ever talk to you like that. Any more than some random drunk guy trying to put their hand in your crotch or say something completely wrong to you.

Those years when I was supposed to grow as a woman and me, were the worst because I was broken to pieces and didn’t even realize that I had been done that. I thought that it was something that I did, or at least was made to feel like that. When I was already feeling super insecure with myself, and didn’t believe that I deserve only the best, like anyone else.

The way words can hurt you as much or even more at times than any physical deed, is something I’ve only woken up the last years of my life. I’ve gotten it close to me and from people I have no idea who they are. How someone can make you feel with just few words and take your whole being away, is really terrifying.

Now that I’m starting to be myself and knowing who I truly am under all of those layers, I’m also seeing myself as that woman I am and want to be. Knowing my worth. But at the same time it’s the most terrifying moment when you get all of those layers peeled off from yourself and realize how much wrong have been done to you. I feel more naked now than I ever did when I wrote about my depression. I feel scared how people think of me when I’ve been honest about something like this too. Thinking that maybe there’s so many things wrong with me that they don’t want anything to do with me. Or maybe I’m able to be there for someone whose been in a situation like I have. I know that saying things like this out loud can cause a “shit storm” but at the same time, if I ever want to be free from this, it’s better to get it out. This just happens to be my way, because deep inside me, I wish that I can help at least one person with this, while I am healing myself.

I’m tired of being afraid of speaking the whole truth. I’m tired of feeling I’ve done something wrong, when I’m the one whose been done wrong. I’m tired of thinking that I don’t deserve the best. I’m tired of our society blaming every girl as soon as they learn to walk. I’m tired of thinking that what I wear is somehow too much or too little. It’s a never ending cycle of something. I’m tired of someone thinking that they can control my life when I’m the only one who can do that decision. I’m tired of being scared to be me, whole me. I’m tired of carrying all those scars and broken pieces that I didn’t have anything to do with. I’m tired of hiding things. I’m tired of feeling like my happiness is always less than someone else’s. I’m tired of feeling less. I’m tired of being the one who someone thinks they can strip from my self worth. I’m tired of feeling afraid.

 

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Fear, Guilt and All That Jazz

If I counted right I have 88 days before my first Ultra Marathon, Fyr til Fyr. 88 days to get my head sorted. I’m not that worried about my body.

Okay, end of last year, last four days of it I was running on average 15km a day to get to 1000km. A challenge set by my crew mates and I really didn’t want to be the one who didn’t get it. I did it and all was well. After that I decided to give myself little time off, as I had the best week ahead of me with my boyfriend. But that “freetime” ended already last Friday morning, but I was still on that same mode yesterday evening. When I finally felt so guilty of not training in any form during the whole weekend that I actually called to my boyfriend to tell all about my frustration and he just said “get off your ass to the gym you can do it and I’m proud of you!”. And I called to my coach to ask how many I was supposed to do of all my moves. So there I had two people, who I was accountable to. Not that either of them would say anything mean if I didn’t do anything, but the fact was in my head and that was all I needed. So sometimes guilt can be the best motivator!

End of last year I had all these great plans on how I will train for this Ultra. But actually doing them feels like I am failing already. Why am I being so hard on myself?!

I would like to train in silence and then just do the thing. But I’m torn with the notion that I’ve told about my plans, I’ve gotten some sponsors to help me in my plans and here I am, not believing in myself?!! Get your shit together!!

Today I was running, because part of me wanted and part of me guilt tripped me in to it. It felt terrible, because of my lack of interest in real food that makes me feel good, and the fact that I haven’t done that much. And possibly last nights kettlebell workout that really hurts now. But I was bitching and moaning to myself while I was moving and I had to make these things in my head like, “to that buss stop” or “after 5km you still have quite a few to go in couple of months”. I got mad at myself, obviously. I wanted to stop, because it didn’t feel like I was flying. I didn’t like myself at all for the fact that I have signed up for something that I have no idea (at the moment) how to finish.

The main point under this all is this… I am afraid of the distance.

Or the unknown part of the distance.

When I started running I was feeling like this about running a 10K. Then I did it and felt like the biggest winner. Then the defining moment in my personal change was the day when I ran 15,4km and didn’t believe that I did it! I actually asked our roommate to check the map, to say that I actually did it. Myself. Then I decided to just run a Half Marathon distance for my own fun, and I did it! This all pretty much happened in one month.

So, yeah I really have a reason to be this afraid…

For some reason that Marathon distance is haunting me like crazy. I think there’s couple of reasons for that. One, my boyfriend said to me(for a good reason) that I’m not allowed to run an Ultra before I’ve run an Marathon. Then I got a place for Berlin Marathon last year, but because of losing Grandma, I had to defer it to this year. But since I didn’t do it, that distance is just haunting and haunting me and makes me feel like without it I’m nothing. That is pretty much the second reason.

All in my head.

That’s it. It’s all in my head.

A friend of mine said to me, if you already ran 29km you can run 59km, then you are able to run 100km. There’s a point in this. Because it’s all in your head. Your body is able to do things that is just insane, so it’s all in your head.

And my head is not in the right place at the moment. I’m guilt ripping myself of things that only hold me back and don’t make any difference. I’m afraid of something that is impossible for me to know before I have done it. And I’m thinking too far ahead. None of these are going to help me forward. In making my dream come true. And that’s what I’m supposed to remember, this is MY DREAM to run that Ultra. It’s next to the ocean, on every surface possible, there WILL be seagulls, there will be (probably) stormy winds. Everything I love and I am making my own life a living hell because I’m AFRAID?!

Way to go me!

So, I think it’s time to put my big girl pants on and get a new mindset. If the one that I love the most is proud of me and believes in me, I should too. He knows better. Enough of this useless bitching and moaning and more work towards that dream of mine!

Yes, this post is very much of a NoteToSelf and I truly needed this. Also I needed to see this video and feel like I am ridiculous. Thank you Grant for being so awesome!! Your rock!!

” I even love Love.”

That Time Of The Year

Yes, that time of the year, when most people sum up their year and I noticed today that I’m doing that too. Not the way that I hoped though…

As usual flu seems to get me so down that it almost feels embarrassing, and this time was no exception. I had big plans on how to end my 2014, but I got this massive zombieflu that has taken me out for over a week.

So I have been feeling down and all kinds of fears of missing out on everything, and when I started getting all my frustration out, the real reason hit me.

It’s this time of the year, which doesn’t usually make me feel nothing special, as I am adult with no kids. But I realized that this year is going to be different in so many ways. Four months ago I lost my Grandma. And she has always been the person who have made Christmas as special as it can be.

If that isn’t enough, in the past four month, my life has changed so much that I still don’t feel that I understand what’s going in on. I feel that the past month I have been going forward in a fog. Just pushing through without any idea what I am doing. I’ve felt that all is just piling up and I can’t catch the end and get it all figured.

Four months isn’t that long time, which I have to remind myself all the time, without believing it.

At the same time as I should have been grieving and thinking of myself and giving myself time, I’ve felt that I’ve only been there for others. Pushed on and stayed strong for others, like it’s my job. I’ve been so exhausted most of the time that I’ve been going on like with some autopilot.

I know how being and feeling numb feels from depression, but this is completely new. I’ve never pushed on this strong in my life. And now I’m not sure if I’ve gotten that much for myself. Other than what I know… I’ve been super hard on myself the whole four months. I’ve made myself feel super guilty if I haven’t been able to do something, or if I’ve been sick, like I could do anything to that.

On top of that guilt tripping I’m trying to figure out where and how and this and that with my life, so in short, will I stay in Finland or where I will be in a year. And on top of that I have the biggest year coming, for me the biggest year.

There are moments when I just want to have a break from my head. It annoys me so much that I know that I should just take this all day at a time, but I don’t give myself any break in doing so.

And in the past four months I’ve had mostly amazing new things happening to me, but at the time, all I can think of is that I won’t be with my favorite people this Christmas. All of sudden this Christmas is way bigger than it maybe should. All of sudden I feel really alone.

I just really miss my Grandma. The fact that she won’t be with us, is slowly but painfully sinking in.

Next week I will have my first Christmas without her, but at the same time my first chance to have some time for myself, so maybe this is my time to get that break from all everyday stuff and just go day by day with all. I really think I need this. I’m not even at home surrounded with all normal, I’m in a place where I really can breath and have that break.

But I have to admit that I am afraid of that exact thing. To have that time to actually feel all that has been bottling inside me is terrifying.

Other thing that makes me feel a bit annoyed and confused is how important running is to me. Now that I haven’t been able to run, I’ve felt like I have nothing. That is partly because of me being sick, it always happens when I have a flu and I can’t run.

Running is such an life changing thing for me that I am terrified if I couldn’t do it.

There are couple of things I need to address next week, to be able to go forward in my life. And I know that they aren’t anything that can be sorted in a week but it’s a start and in a way I can’t wait to have that break.

But I really need this. I have to give time for myself and a moment to realize what has happened, without the need to rush on.

Sabotaging Success

IMG_5782Yesterday I realized something… Every time when things start to go better or I start to see results, I freak out and start sabotaging my own success.

And this last week has been all about that. All of sudden I have been eating whatever, like cheese and even fish?! Also, I’ve gone all out with my old flame, chips/crisps.

I’ve drowned myself with so many things that I have been overwhelmed in the most negative way of all the good new changes in my life. Why?!

Because I’m terrified of the actual change that I could be truly who I work hard and have dream of being.

When I look myself in the mirror, I still see this overweight girl that didn’t like herself at all. I like or more like love myself these days most of the time but when I look myself in the mirror this old me just keeps looking back. I do have moments when I see the real, now, me… but too rarely.

A week ago I saw this strong, powerful, beautiful me and all of sudden I got scared.

In my whole life, I’ve never looked, felt and loved myself in the way that I am getting really close to. Not liking myself and the change is like a security blanket that I know how to deal, but I don’t know how to deal with this new me.

The thing is that eating those things actually made me feel physically ill… So why?

Why I want to have that feeling again that my clothes are too tight, if I hate that the most and I just have gotten rid of that…

I think I’m testing myself, in that same way that sometimes we wrongly test the people we want to keep close to us, to see if they leave. I am doing that exact thing to myself, to see if I really love myself, if I really am all about those dreams that I have, if I would finally have the guts to be who I really am.

What I can say is that this is not easy, from 30 years I’ve been unhappy for easily 28. Not obviously 100% of that time but mostly. Or probably I was happier when I was a kid when I truly didn’t care if me being different was a problem, but I remember still how that made me really sad too.

So, this is what I could have now… Loving and healthy relationship with myself, pleasant and proud look when I look in the mirror, no belly aches, huge support system all over the world and amazing new opportunities to follow and make my dreams come true.

The reason why this scares me, I think, is that as a person with depression and all the down sizing that comes with it, has made me not allow myself to be happy or have good things or success in my life. I’m pretty sure that many people with depression know what I’m talking about. We are good at helping others and give them praises but when it comes to ourselves… not so much.

I really want to change my mindset with this. I don’t want to slowly but surely go back to the old me, because the new one is so much better!

I have to say to myself every day, “I can do this!” and I hope that I trust that and go forward in a better and stronger me!

PMA ❤

Depression, My Old Friend…

IMG_5680Everyone who lives with depression, knows that there are days or times, when it’s super hard to feel happy or basically anything. That doesn’t mean that it’s a constant feeling, but at times it gets us in that numb place with a lot of things in our minds.

I’m there now.

I think it came from having “too” much good things in my life all of sudden. I felt that it drowned me with feelings that I had no idea how to cope with. For most of my life I have tried my hardest to turn all the good away. I didn’t let myself have anything good in my life, because I either felt that I don’t deserve it or didn’t know how to take it. And now, after really hard work, I know and believe that I deserve all the good like anyone else. But taking it in isn’t any easier now, but my mindset is… a bit.

There are days when getting up is the hardest thing. When the thought of going out for a run, feels so hard that you want to cry. Even when you know that that is the thing that makes you feel so much better. But getting up, dressing and taking that step to go out, feels the biggest ever. You have days when smiling is the hardest, you kind of have this numb nothing face on and no idea how to turn it to happier or even a bit upwards. You find yourself staring at the wall or outside of the window with nothing in your head, nothing. And everything, just everything feels like a insanely huge task.

One of my bad habits is to be so much for others that I loose myself and forget what I need to be able to be for others. It happened again after really long time. I tried to excel in my job, in helping my friends, in my goals, in helping in projects that I found super interesting and beneficial in my own goals. But too much is too much, for anyone, but for someone like me… It’s just way too much. I haven’t worked properly in more than two years, almost three. I haven’t had dreams and goals, well…ever. I haven’t had this kind of social life, well that was my own fault, I just didn’t let anyone in my life before. But now I have those all and in a way more. And that is super overwhelming!

My old, calm, super peaceful, uneventful life has completely changed to this fast paced, something coming from somewhere all the time life. My phone has never peeped this much…

For a moment that felt super amazing and nice, but I’m not equipped yet to handle that all. So after it sucked me in to this happy train, it also made me feel like I am drowning and so fast that I didn’t know how to get off. And my body figured that it has to stop me, because my head is not in the right place. I have to thank my body, but maybe it would be good to learn step by step to listen the signs, even when in this fast paced life.

But the thing is that I have no interest in this “hurryhurryhurry” life. Which feels like the desired thing these days. Why?! The faster we are expected to go, the shittier we feel. And that equals good, how?!

I have no problem doing things and going forward but I do have a problem with the world expecting us all to be the same. I have no intention of being like everyone else. But that also means that I have to sometimes fight, in my own way against the system. Listening to your own heart, while being super sensitive, possible introverted, having depression and insecurities in the background, while moving forward in this world… That shit is hard!

So I would like to give my hats to everyone who actually pushes through with all that!

As I am typing this, I can feel how the anxiety is getting easier and how I am able to see things in a bit more positive light again. Writing, like running, does that to me and I am grateful for that. My depression doesn’t drown me anymore that much, it reminds of itself at times, like this week. But it doesn’t get the hold anymore like it did before. In a way I am grateful for depression, because even with it’s darkest moments, I am who I am and I’ve found this power in this thing that we still try to push to the side as it’s not real. It’s very real and it keeps too many people from loving themselves, believing in themselves, chasing their dreams, anything.

I rather write and talk and show these moments, because maybe, just maybe I can make one person feel like they matter when they least feel that way.

One step at a time, one breath at a time, we can do this.

PMA ❤