Guilt Trip Game

received_2290259371213480.jpegWhy do we do it? Is it a mainly female thing or do guys do it too to themselves? Why on earth we guilt trip our minds to the point of it affecting every aspect of our lives? I’m very much confused and tired as hell of this ingrown guilt trip game my head seems to love. Especially if I feel a touch down and out, oh it loves to sink it’s claws on me then, and hard.

But seriously, is this guilt trip thing something us ladies only do. Are guys able to always be confident in themselves and just move a long with their lives? Because sometimes it really feels like it.

I was sick with a weird combination of fever and migraine this past week and in those days when I wasn’t sleeping, I was in my thinking thoughts like I tend to  be quite a bit. But one thing that came back all the time was this guilt of not being enough at work, feeling and knowing I hadn’t done my best. And the worst part of it was and is, that it’s been this on going struggle this Spring. I’ve somehow let my outside work life affect my ability to be my best at my job. It’s annoying on so many levels, but especially as I know how easy it would for me to better my performance. But I’ve been in some stuck, I can’t do shit mode in my head, and I haven’t found a way out of there. And is there anything better than the feeling that you’re failing your own expectations and most likely of your boss. Obviously, as with my personality this could sound like I’m expecting too much of myself, but I can promise you that this time it’s not the case. I’ve just purely been shit.

And with that, you get easily caught up in this self shame and guilt trip cycle, that is definitely not helping. For that I have the best kind of personality. Period.

But in those sick days of mine, I had time to think why I keep doing that to myself. And what it is in the end that let’s me sink in that hole that deep. Point blank it’s my insecurities. My fear of success. Things I wrote about a week ago. But the other side of it is the question of “why still?”. It’s not like I’ve never worked on these issues. It’s not like I don’t know that I’m pretty damn far from who I’ve been in my past. So why on earth it’s so hard for me to let go, truly let go, of the past and move on with my life. Giving myself a chance I truly deserve. Why and what is so scary about it all?

Since I was a kid, I’ve been real good at limiting my happiness. Which sounds really weird for some of you. But I’ve been a deep thinker my whole life, and in a way too comfortable with my darker sides. It has it’s benefits but it also makes me feel certain things in a way that I really wouldn’t need to.

I’ve always chose the harder path on my journey, I could’ve easily, so easily done things that would’ve made this whole thing a bit more of a smooth ride. But nope. And there’s something about the fact that I had to grow up when others were getting to know themselves and figuring out who they are in this world. My learning process got flipped upside down and for way too many years of my life, I was always worried about someone or something. Usually what others thought of this or that about what I would want to do with my life. So most of the things I never did. Point blank.

Now I’m in this weird, very weird, age when you’re supposed to be a grown human, but I feel more child than I ever have before. Even when I actually were a kid, because back then I always felt more grown than my peers. And it’s messing with my head, big time. I feel like the things coming out of my mouth are super childish, the way I behave is too. I’m lost in this place that I don’t know how to navigate. I’ve lost my bearings and I don’t know how to get them back.

And the fact that I’ve always done things a bit harder on myself, does not help. I expect so much of myself, while knowing that they are impossible things to expect. I get so caught up in it all that I feel frozen and end up doing nothing at all. I was thinking my work career in general and how it has been for me. And I found that every time I’ve found something I might like and/or be good at, I dive head first and give my all and above and then after a while, I feel like I’m drowning and my performance is close to pure shit. It feels even worse when you actually really like the field you’re in and your place of work. But this time I know, for a fact, that I haven’t done my best, not even close. And it has been pissing me off big time, and it’s unfortunately been part of this bigger ball of “what the actual fuck are you doing with your life? do you think that giving up is still the option to go for? like could you please get a fucking grip of yourself because you are not doing any favors to anyone, and least yourself?”. Yes, I might be a bit hard on myself at times, but this time I know I have a reason to be. I can and will admit what I have been.

What I could do is to let myself sink in deeper into this hole of self loathing, shame and guilt tripping… But I could also face my own shit and fix it. If my own behavior is pissing ME off, then I’m more than the only one able to fix it. I still remember all too well what my ex said to me, one of the good ones, when I was complaining about something about myself. He said that could you please do something about that issue, or please do not bitch and moan about it all the time. The thing is that it’s not changing by talking about it, but it will if my behavior and work ethic about my whole damn life changes. I’m the only one who can do that. I’m still not able to change the past, but I am able to be better today and tomorrow. First to myself and by that to others. Because if I don’t want to hang with myself, why on earth would anyone else? And I have friends, amazing friends who support and love me no matter what. That’s new to me and it also confuses me. Because my head likes to spin things into “why would they want to be my friends? I don’t deserve that because I fucked up something that one time almost ten years ago, so I never deserve anything good in my life”.

I want to understand why it’s so damn hard for me to give myself the option to just be good. Why me having a life that feels good is so terrifying? Why I let the past have that kind of hold of me?

You know how it’s hard to see the work you’ve done, when you’re the closest to yourself. Well it’s really damn hard to really see how much has changed for the better in the past couple of years in my life. And now something idiotic in me is trying to ruin it all by being a dick, and mostly to others because I’m not being even half of what I could be. I’m not letting myself be what I could be is even closer to it.

I don’t know if my body decided to stop me in my tracks with that migraine/fever mix to finally really see the realities of my current life. I do believe our bodies are a lot smarter than we can ever be, so that might be the case. Because, for gods sake, I really have to stop feeling this damn sorry for myself, it’s just getting very old.  If I want to be better, I actually have to do better which means actual actions, not thoughts or talking about any of it. Because I really should know how talk is pure bullshit if you don’t deliver what you say.

This is a constant journey of working progress. Like my very smart friend reminded me. I know it, but why do I keep forgetting it, still?

Maybe me being open and vulnerable about myself again, is the way for me to keep myself accountable. Maybe I should do what I did before, when I decided and actually did change my life for the better. I’ve done it before, so it’s a bit tired and boring to try to be like I can’t do it now.

I apologize to those who I’ve been a bit a of tired dick to. To those who have been giving me a slack for my shitty work. I really am because if it bothers me this much I know for a fact that there’s a lot of room for improving. And all I can do is to actually improve what I do. I can’t be pissed off to others for their success if I’m not willing to do jackshit about my own. No more hiding. This is it.

I am enough. I deserve the good just like others. It’s okay to be me. And like the beautiful Nayyirah Waheed writes “What about this theory. The fear of not being enough, and the fear of being “too much”. Are exactly the same fear. The fear of being you.”


Things That You “Shouldn’t” Speak Out Loud

img_3091Those things that you’ve been keeping inside of you for almost 20 years, or 10 years or couple of years. Those things that have made you who you are without you wanting anything to do with them. Those that been with you even though you would rather have all of them gone. Those that you feel embarrassed or ashamed or scared of. I’m talking about something that is probably the hardest thing to write “out loud” but also feel like it’s the most important thing to write Out Loud. I’m talking about how I’ve been living and carried with me the notion of someone abusing or harassing me, mentally or physically. And not just once, all those times when I knew that telling about them would do nothing. Or knew that I should tell but didn’t have the courage to do it, because I was so ashamed.

Like that time almost 20 years ago, when a boy I really liked, almost raped me. Saying while pulling my pants down, that it will only last a second and how it’s not going to hurt. And how me saying No, didn’t do anything to his attempts, before I manage to kick him away from me. And how I didn’t realize before just couple of years ago how wrong and huge thing that is. How it broke a piece of me when I was just starting to grow as a person and a woman.

Or when an old boyfriend in the middle of a fight hit my head to a wall and how him saying I’m sorry many times just made the whole thing disappear with time.

Or when studying at a restaurant school, working in the teaching restaurant, nervously taking an order, older man smiles at me and touches my butt. And me feeling like I can’t do anything about this, nothing, almost like it’s normal behaviour from men.

Or when someone decides that it’s completely okay for them to first send you dick picks to your email and then start to call you in the middle of the night just heavy breathing. And when you go to the police station to report him because his phonenumber wasn’t secret, they just say to you that they can’t do anything and that I should just change my phonenumber.

Or all those times when someone has used my kindness and mentally abused me and played with me, to a point when I think that I’ve done something wrong and I’m some piece of shit whore.

Or those days when it was so warm that I had to go on my runs late in the evening, wearing regular running shorts and a shirt, and being followed, yelled at, whistled, honked and followed with a car. And that terrifying knowledge in you that you can’t do anything and rather not even react because you’re alone there and have no idea what they can do if you say something to defend yourself.

There’s been a lot of talk about this subject lately in different medias. It’s made me sad, then angry, then sad and then feel that all those years of layers that I’ve built on top of those moments of feeling like nothing, are peeling off and me feeling pretty scared to feel and remember all of them again.

One thing that I’ve had in my life since I was a kid, has been mental harassment and violence. I’ve grown to it, thinking that it’s normal that someone does and says things like that. Which has followed me finding myself in similar relationships. Those years when I was growing to me and who I am as a woman, were scattered with different kind of abuse. And the saddest thing is that the world we live in makes you not want to talk about them, because the response usually is something like “are you sure it really happened like that?” or “I think you’re over reacting” or “are you sure it’s not your fault too?” or “that’s only your side of the story”.

I remember how when I was in my early twenties, I turned the whole thing around trying to be in control, by using my sexuality as a tool. Thinking that if I’m strong and sexy and “willing”, then I’m in control. Which obviously wasn’t right. Because what had happened in my past, had left pretty damn dark scars in me, which meant that I was terrified when it got “down to it”. I was able to talk dirty and tease but when it got to the actual thing, I could not be more scared.

The way guys were and still are, selfish in how they behave when it comes to sex, makes you feel like your pleasure isn’t worth the same as theirs. So you give more than you receive and feel guilty when you say that this is not right. Or even just wanting more  than you were given, aka what you deserve equally. But when you have those memories of someone touching you or trying to touch you in a way that you didn’t want or feel at all comfortable with, it’s even harder to be you with all of you. You feel so strongly that you don’t deserve anything and that you’re not worthy, you’re nothing in a way.

It’s really scary how things that could feel really small to someone, can hurt and leave deep deep scars in another. The moment you feel insecure when you walk out the door, is already too much. Or when you feel that it’s better that I don’t say what happened, because it doesn’t lead to anything better. Or when you just know that you will never hear “I’m sorry for what I did” from that person whose used you in one way or another. It’s also really scary how so much of mental or verbal abuse happens close to us. It comes from those who should never, ever talk to you like that. Any more than some random drunk guy trying to put their hand in your crotch or say something completely wrong to you.

Those years when I was supposed to grow as a woman and me, were the worst because I was broken to pieces and didn’t even realize that I had been done that. I thought that it was something that I did, or at least was made to feel like that. When I was already feeling super insecure with myself, and didn’t believe that I deserve only the best, like anyone else.

The way words can hurt you as much or even more at times than any physical deed, is something I’ve only woken up the last years of my life. I’ve gotten it close to me and from people I have no idea who they are. How someone can make you feel with just few words and take your whole being away, is really terrifying.

Now that I’m starting to be myself and knowing who I truly am under all of those layers, I’m also seeing myself as that woman I am and want to be. Knowing my worth. But at the same time it’s the most terrifying moment when you get all of those layers peeled off from yourself and realize how much wrong have been done to you. I feel more naked now than I ever did when I wrote about my depression. I feel scared how people think of me when I’ve been honest about something like this too. Thinking that maybe there’s so many things wrong with me that they don’t want anything to do with me. Or maybe I’m able to be there for someone whose been in a situation like I have. I know that saying things like this out loud can cause a “shit storm” but at the same time, if I ever want to be free from this, it’s better to get it out. This just happens to be my way, because deep inside me, I wish that I can help at least one person with this, while I am healing myself.

I’m tired of being afraid of speaking the whole truth. I’m tired of feeling I’ve done something wrong, when I’m the one whose been done wrong. I’m tired of thinking that I don’t deserve the best. I’m tired of our society blaming every girl as soon as they learn to walk. I’m tired of thinking that what I wear is somehow too much or too little. It’s a never ending cycle of something. I’m tired of someone thinking that they can control my life when I’m the only one who can do that decision. I’m tired of being scared to be me, whole me. I’m tired of carrying all those scars and broken pieces that I didn’t have anything to do with. I’m tired of hiding things. I’m tired of feeling like my happiness is always less than someone else’s. I’m tired of feeling less. I’m tired of being the one who someone thinks they can strip from my self worth. I’m tired of feeling afraid.


Fear, Guilt and All That Jazz

If I counted right I have 88 days before my first Ultra Marathon, Fyr til Fyr. 88 days to get my head sorted. I’m not that worried about my body.

Okay, end of last year, last four days of it I was running on average 15km a day to get to 1000km. A challenge set by my crew mates and I really didn’t want to be the one who didn’t get it. I did it and all was well. After that I decided to give myself little time off, as I had the best week ahead of me with my boyfriend. But that “freetime” ended already last Friday morning, but I was still on that same mode yesterday evening. When I finally felt so guilty of not training in any form during the whole weekend that I actually called to my boyfriend to tell all about my frustration and he just said “get off your ass to the gym you can do it and I’m proud of you!”. And I called to my coach to ask how many I was supposed to do of all my moves. So there I had two people, who I was accountable to. Not that either of them would say anything mean if I didn’t do anything, but the fact was in my head and that was all I needed. So sometimes guilt can be the best motivator!

End of last year I had all these great plans on how I will train for this Ultra. But actually doing them feels like I am failing already. Why am I being so hard on myself?!

I would like to train in silence and then just do the thing. But I’m torn with the notion that I’ve told about my plans, I’ve gotten some sponsors to help me in my plans and here I am, not believing in myself?!! Get your shit together!!

Today I was running, because part of me wanted and part of me guilt tripped me in to it. It felt terrible, because of my lack of interest in real food that makes me feel good, and the fact that I haven’t done that much. And possibly last nights kettlebell workout that really hurts now. But I was bitching and moaning to myself while I was moving and I had to make these things in my head like, “to that buss stop” or “after 5km you still have quite a few to go in couple of months”. I got mad at myself, obviously. I wanted to stop, because it didn’t feel like I was flying. I didn’t like myself at all for the fact that I have signed up for something that I have no idea (at the moment) how to finish.

The main point under this all is this… I am afraid of the distance.

Or the unknown part of the distance.

When I started running I was feeling like this about running a 10K. Then I did it and felt like the biggest winner. Then the defining moment in my personal change was the day when I ran 15,4km and didn’t believe that I did it! I actually asked our roommate to check the map, to say that I actually did it. Myself. Then I decided to just run a Half Marathon distance for my own fun, and I did it! This all pretty much happened in one month.

So, yeah I really have a reason to be this afraid…

For some reason that Marathon distance is haunting me like crazy. I think there’s couple of reasons for that. One, my boyfriend said to me(for a good reason) that I’m not allowed to run an Ultra before I’ve run an Marathon. Then I got a place for Berlin Marathon last year, but because of losing Grandma, I had to defer it to this year. But since I didn’t do it, that distance is just haunting and haunting me and makes me feel like without it I’m nothing. That is pretty much the second reason.

All in my head.

That’s it. It’s all in my head.

A friend of mine said to me, if you already ran 29km you can run 59km, then you are able to run 100km. There’s a point in this. Because it’s all in your head. Your body is able to do things that is just insane, so it’s all in your head.

And my head is not in the right place at the moment. I’m guilt ripping myself of things that only hold me back and don’t make any difference. I’m afraid of something that is impossible for me to know before I have done it. And I’m thinking too far ahead. None of these are going to help me forward. In making my dream come true. And that’s what I’m supposed to remember, this is MY DREAM to run that Ultra. It’s next to the ocean, on every surface possible, there WILL be seagulls, there will be (probably) stormy winds. Everything I love and I am making my own life a living hell because I’m AFRAID?!

Way to go me!

So, I think it’s time to put my big girl pants on and get a new mindset. If the one that I love the most is proud of me and believes in me, I should too. He knows better. Enough of this useless bitching and moaning and more work towards that dream of mine!

Yes, this post is very much of a NoteToSelf and I truly needed this. Also I needed to see this video and feel like I am ridiculous. Thank you Grant for being so awesome!! Your rock!!

” I even love Love.”

That Time Of The Year

Yes, that time of the year, when most people sum up their year and I noticed today that I’m doing that too. Not the way that I hoped though…

As usual flu seems to get me so down that it almost feels embarrassing, and this time was no exception. I had big plans on how to end my 2014, but I got this massive zombieflu that has taken me out for over a week.

So I have been feeling down and all kinds of fears of missing out on everything, and when I started getting all my frustration out, the real reason hit me.

It’s this time of the year, which doesn’t usually make me feel nothing special, as I am adult with no kids. But I realized that this year is going to be different in so many ways. Four months ago I lost my Grandma. And she has always been the person who have made Christmas as special as it can be.

If that isn’t enough, in the past four month, my life has changed so much that I still don’t feel that I understand what’s going in on. I feel that the past month I have been going forward in a fog. Just pushing through without any idea what I am doing. I’ve felt that all is just piling up and I can’t catch the end and get it all figured.

Four months isn’t that long time, which I have to remind myself all the time, without believing it.

At the same time as I should have been grieving and thinking of myself and giving myself time, I’ve felt that I’ve only been there for others. Pushed on and stayed strong for others, like it’s my job. I’ve been so exhausted most of the time that I’ve been going on like with some autopilot.

I know how being and feeling numb feels from depression, but this is completely new. I’ve never pushed on this strong in my life. And now I’m not sure if I’ve gotten that much for myself. Other than what I know… I’ve been super hard on myself the whole four months. I’ve made myself feel super guilty if I haven’t been able to do something, or if I’ve been sick, like I could do anything to that.

On top of that guilt tripping I’m trying to figure out where and how and this and that with my life, so in short, will I stay in Finland or where I will be in a year. And on top of that I have the biggest year coming, for me the biggest year.

There are moments when I just want to have a break from my head. It annoys me so much that I know that I should just take this all day at a time, but I don’t give myself any break in doing so.

And in the past four months I’ve had mostly amazing new things happening to me, but at the time, all I can think of is that I won’t be with my favorite people this Christmas. All of sudden this Christmas is way bigger than it maybe should. All of sudden I feel really alone.

I just really miss my Grandma. The fact that she won’t be with us, is slowly but painfully sinking in.

Next week I will have my first Christmas without her, but at the same time my first chance to have some time for myself, so maybe this is my time to get that break from all everyday stuff and just go day by day with all. I really think I need this. I’m not even at home surrounded with all normal, I’m in a place where I really can breath and have that break.

But I have to admit that I am afraid of that exact thing. To have that time to actually feel all that has been bottling inside me is terrifying.

Other thing that makes me feel a bit annoyed and confused is how important running is to me. Now that I haven’t been able to run, I’ve felt like I have nothing. That is partly because of me being sick, it always happens when I have a flu and I can’t run.

Running is such an life changing thing for me that I am terrified if I couldn’t do it.

There are couple of things I need to address next week, to be able to go forward in my life. And I know that they aren’t anything that can be sorted in a week but it’s a start and in a way I can’t wait to have that break.

But I really need this. I have to give time for myself and a moment to realize what has happened, without the need to rush on.

Sabotaging Success

IMG_5782Yesterday I realized something… Every time when things start to go better or I start to see results, I freak out and start sabotaging my own success.

And this last week has been all about that. All of sudden I have been eating whatever, like cheese and even fish?! Also, I’ve gone all out with my old flame, chips/crisps.

I’ve drowned myself with so many things that I have been overwhelmed in the most negative way of all the good new changes in my life. Why?!

Because I’m terrified of the actual change that I could be truly who I work hard and have dream of being.

When I look myself in the mirror, I still see this overweight girl that didn’t like herself at all. I like or more like love myself these days most of the time but when I look myself in the mirror this old me just keeps looking back. I do have moments when I see the real, now, me… but too rarely.

A week ago I saw this strong, powerful, beautiful me and all of sudden I got scared.

In my whole life, I’ve never looked, felt and loved myself in the way that I am getting really close to. Not liking myself and the change is like a security blanket that I know how to deal, but I don’t know how to deal with this new me.

The thing is that eating those things actually made me feel physically ill… So why?

Why I want to have that feeling again that my clothes are too tight, if I hate that the most and I just have gotten rid of that…

I think I’m testing myself, in that same way that sometimes we wrongly test the people we want to keep close to us, to see if they leave. I am doing that exact thing to myself, to see if I really love myself, if I really am all about those dreams that I have, if I would finally have the guts to be who I really am.

What I can say is that this is not easy, from 30 years I’ve been unhappy for easily 28. Not obviously 100% of that time but mostly. Or probably I was happier when I was a kid when I truly didn’t care if me being different was a problem, but I remember still how that made me really sad too.

So, this is what I could have now… Loving and healthy relationship with myself, pleasant and proud look when I look in the mirror, no belly aches, huge support system all over the world and amazing new opportunities to follow and make my dreams come true.

The reason why this scares me, I think, is that as a person with depression and all the down sizing that comes with it, has made me not allow myself to be happy or have good things or success in my life. I’m pretty sure that many people with depression know what I’m talking about. We are good at helping others and give them praises but when it comes to ourselves… not so much.

I really want to change my mindset with this. I don’t want to slowly but surely go back to the old me, because the new one is so much better!

I have to say to myself every day, “I can do this!” and I hope that I trust that and go forward in a better and stronger me!