Depression, My Old Friend…

IMG_5680Everyone who lives with depression, knows that there are days or times, when it’s super hard to feel happy or basically anything. That doesn’t mean that it’s a constant feeling, but at times it gets us in that numb place with a lot of things in our minds.

I’m there now.

I think it came from having “too” much good things in my life all of sudden. I felt that it drowned me with feelings that I had no idea how to cope with. For most of my life I have tried my hardest to turn all the good away. I didn’t let myself have anything good in my life, because I either felt that I don’t deserve it or didn’t know how to take it. And now, after really hard work, I know and believe that I deserve all the good like anyone else. But taking it in isn’t any easier now, but my mindset is… a bit.

There are days when getting up is the hardest thing. When the thought of going out for a run, feels so hard that you want to cry. Even when you know that that is the thing that makes you feel so much better. But getting up, dressing and taking that step to go out, feels the biggest ever. You have days when smiling is the hardest, you kind of have this numb nothing face on and no idea how to turn it to happier or even a bit upwards. You find yourself staring at the wall or outside of the window with nothing in your head, nothing. And everything, just everything feels like a insanely huge task.

One of my bad habits is to be so much for others that I loose myself and forget what I need to be able to be for others. It happened again after really long time. I tried to excel in my job, in helping my friends, in my goals, in helping in projects that I found super interesting and beneficial in my own goals. But too much is too much, for anyone, but for someone like me… It’s just way too much. I haven’t worked properly in more than two years, almost three. I haven’t had dreams and goals, well…ever. I haven’t had this kind of social life, well that was my own fault, I just didn’t let anyone in my life before. But now I have those all and in a way more. And that is super overwhelming!

My old, calm, super peaceful, uneventful life has completely changed to this fast paced, something coming from somewhere all the time life. My phone has never peeped this much…

For a moment that felt super amazing and nice, but I’m not equipped yet to handle that all. So after it sucked me in to this happy train, it also made me feel like I am drowning and so fast that I didn’t know how to get off. And my body figured that it has to stop me, because my head is not in the right place. I have to thank my body, but maybe it would be good to learn step by step to listen the signs, even when in this fast paced life.

But the thing is that I have no interest in this “hurryhurryhurry” life. Which feels like the desired thing these days. Why?! The faster we are expected to go, the shittier we feel. And that equals good, how?!

I have no problem doing things and going forward but I do have a problem with the world expecting us all to be the same. I have no intention of being like everyone else. But that also means that I have to sometimes fight, in my own way against the system. Listening to your own heart, while being super sensitive, possible introverted, having depression and insecurities in the background, while moving forward in this world… That shit is hard!

So I would like to give my hats to everyone who actually pushes through with all that!

As I am typing this, I can feel how the anxiety is getting easier and how I am able to see things in a bit more positive light again. Writing, like running, does that to me and I am grateful for that. My depression doesn’t drown me anymore that much, it reminds of itself at times, like this week. But it doesn’t get the hold anymore like it did before. In a way I am grateful for depression, because even with it’s darkest moments, I am who I am and I’ve found this power in this thing that we still try to push to the side as it’s not real. It’s very real and it keeps too many people from loving themselves, believing in themselves, chasing their dreams, anything.

I rather write and talk and show these moments, because maybe, just maybe I can make one person feel like they matter when they least feel that way.

One step at a time, one breath at a time, we can do this.

PMA ❤

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How Do I Live With My Depression

IMG_5147Today is the World Mental Health Day and I felt really strongly that I want to write about my depression again. Because it still didn’t magically disappear.

So… How do I live with my depression?

Over the course of the past two years I have found ways that really work well with balancing my depressive mind. I have been working towards this for my whole life, and it has been the hardest battle that I will ever have to fight. And it’s a constant battle, but I am on a right path.

NutritionIMG_4996

I started changing my food choices about two years ago. I saw this documentary called “Hungry For Change” and it really hit me hard. At the time when I saw it I was in a really bad and deep depression. I don’t remember what it was that really made me think “I have two choices, either I keep being how I have been until now or I change everything now and try to improve this life of mine”. But the point is that they talked about depression and how the stuff you eat makes it either worse or better. So there was a clear reason for me to understand and try something new.

So the first things that I did was weave processed foods and drinks away from my diet, not the easiest of things to do. Have you ever tried to get rid of sugars and highly processed foods? Our brain is addicted to them, because the foods and drinks are made of terrible things that make our brain need them… Scary, I would say.

I started feeling better, started loosing weight which made me feel better, because when I saw myself in the mirror I go even more depressed. I felt that I had more energy and I was happier. This all happened slow, not like over night or anything, but fast enough for me to notice.

At the moment I am pretty much plant based or a vegan, how ever you want to say it. For me, my mind and body that is the best way for me to keep going. I still have these moments when I just crave cheese… Then I taste it and it tastes really bad, so I kind of have left that one too. Once I got rid of this mindset that I have to give up foods, all got easier. The truth is that the choices in plant based nutrition are endless, you just have to be open to exploring.

I also want to be honest, during the last two years I have gone in and out of this choice to clean my nutrition. I am an addict when it comes to certain foods and when you have a mental health issues, you are not always the strongest when it comes to deciding what to eat, even if it makes you feel like shit. It’s about that moment of good feeling, even if the shitty feeling comes about five minutes later. Or the guilty feeling. So I have learnt to try to be more gentle with myself and just try my best. That’s all I can do!

RunningIMG_5148

Yeah, running has saved my life! It’s not a hobby, it’s who I am.

The main reason why I started running is that I knew that I have to start doing some physical exercise to feel better. I had old running sneakers, purely for fashion reasons, but good enough for me to use them. The first time I went for a run, my amazing boyfriend came with me and we fast realized that we should not run together haha, but I wanted to keep going. So I did. And I did have this small “relapse” after the first couple of months of that adrenaline happiness. Then I came back to it and now I am still here. I know for a fact, that if I wouldn’t kept running I am not sure that I would still be here.

It’s a noun fact that physical activity balances our mental issues. But for people like me, with bigger problems than everyday stress, it works miracles. These days I notice right away if I haven’t run in a couple of days. The person I am now and who I was two years ago… completely different and only for the better! So I will keep running and dreaming of all the amazing things I can do and have already done with running.

Running is the reason why I love myself, respect myself, know that I can and can’t lie to myself anymore that I can’t. It makes me feel free, beautiful, strong, like a warrior!

It’s a constant challenge and that is exactly why I keep going.

Faith

And I don’t mean religion with that. I mean a way of thinking and using your mind the way that it works the best for you.

I have some religious past in my life, for a short period of time, but I do. For me the way of someone else making the plans and rules for you didn’t work. I had too many questions and that was a problem. What I did have from that time is the ability to pray and calm in that moment. I have been praying on and off, and every time I pray more constantly I notice that I feel more grounded and calmer. I have always taken it more as a talk to a friend, giving thanks and talking about those fears and dreams of mine, asking for patience or guidance. I don’t know who I talk to but it makes me feel better so I keep doing it. My mind feels clearer when I pray.

I am also really into PMA = Positive Mental Attitude, I even have it tattooed on my arm as a reminder. I haven’t always been too positive and it took me a long time after getting that tattoo that I can really act positively. These days I try to tackle all situations first with a positive outlook and ask myself if there even is anything negative or a reason to panic or go all crazy angry.

Lately I have been really interested in Buddhism, as it’s not a religion, it’s more of a way of life. Do the best you can and that is enough, don’t do harm to others with your actions. The more I read about it, the more I feel that I have been a closet practiser of Buddhism. I will learn more and see how I feel. No have to, only interest and learning more.

And the more I learn and read about running, faith, nutrition, anatomy, whatever, the better I feel. Books are my religion :).

Talking

I have always been really blessed with ability to talk about my feelings and through my bad moments. It’s been a savior for sure. I have been going to therapy before in my life and now after moving back home, I went for a “check up”. The fact that I am open with asking for help these days is a huge thing! I highly recommend talking, whether it’s a professional or a friend, please do it even though it’s hard. It will help so much!

I never wanted to take any antidepressant drugs because I felt and still feel that I need to be without them one day so why would I start. But I do respect people who feel that that is the help for them.

So with these things I am in this amazing place in my life. They help me, maybe some of them could help you. If there’s anything anyone wants to ask, please do. I am happy to answer! 🙂

And people with no mental issues or who of you who doesn’t understand how this all feels… Please try to respect the ones who are hurting, this is not an easy task to have everyday. Let’s be good to each other, let’s love and help each other. You are not alone!

LOVE. PMA. HUGS.IMG_4995

Family First

IMG_4694Universe has a funny way to keep us on the right path, if we are open to listening and going with that flow.

That means to me that yesterday my life changed again, big time, as in new move to another country.

I recently wrote about the loss of my Granma, that made me put things in perspective and really think what is important to me.

And that being said, family is the thing that is the most important. I need and have to be with my family now. I need them and I want to be there for them now. It’s my time to give and not only take, which I have been doing for too many years.

I think I knew this for almost couple of weeks, but I just didn’t want to say it. When I moved from Finland to Germany, I did it because I wanted to show that I will actually do something and not only talk. For a long long time, I felt that I am a loser if I would go back there. Now things are so different.

I have lost someone who was part of me. That puts you in different place in your life. I need to be with people who understand my loss and who I can hug and be hugged.

And I’m not the same person I was little over two years ago, I have worked so hard to be in a better place, and I’m not going to let that work go to waste.

This is not an easy move, and I will have those moments when I think that “what did I do?” but I have to trust my gut feeling, and everytime I have done that, it’s been the best.

I am afraid of funny things like, that people and those friends that I’ve made would forget me because I’m in the north :). I know that the people who I call friends these days won’t do that. But I am further from them that I have been. I hope that some of you want to come to that super exotic Finland :).

But I am also really happy to be in a place that I know things and how they work. Speak my own language and be with my best friends.

And everytime I start thinking of oh dear Finland, I remind myself that it doesn’t mean that it’s some kind of life sentense, I am always allowed to leave and I have a strong feeling that I will do that, once I get my life in better place. I haven’t found that happy place of mine yet.

But  for now, this is the right thing to do, for me, for my family and for my journey.

Thank you Universe!IMG_4686

 

 

Just Why?

It’s 4 in the morning and I’m still awake. Somehow what happened last night won’t let me just go to bed and forget it, not this time.

Last night I went for a run after ten in the night with my dog, the reason for me to go so late was simple, it was really hot during the day and me or the dog can’t really deal with that kind of heat.

Straight after I turned from our corner, this weird dude started following us after he made his point clear by whistling to me. I was walking because I was letting my dog do his business before starting to run. He was just walking behind us and stopping when I stopped, I literally had to walk faster and turn away from the street because I was afraid of him.

I just wanted to run, with my dog who freaking loves that.

Almost at the end of our run, someone honked at me, unfortunately nothing new. Then a lonely car at the intersection decides to say “Psst!” while waiting for the light to change and us running past his car. And probably because I didn’t react, he honked when he passed us.

All of this happened in the timespan of around 40minutes.

The thing that bothers me is that why is this happening, not just me, but in general?!

It makes me feel really unsafe and scared, I don’t know what can happen, ever. And one of the worst things is that I feel that I can’t react, because then I really don’t know what can happen…

This also makes me really angry and sad. Why can’t I run and just do my thing and that’s it, why someone feels the need to do these stupid things and make me feel scared and takes something from me. And what are those people getting from whistling, yelling, honking, whatever they are doing, what are they getting from it?! WHAT?

Do they understand on any level what we are feeling when they do that? For them it is probably a millisecond of fun, for us it can be one of the scariest moments ever, with all kinds of scenarios going in our minds. And the fear doesn’t just leave and all is good, it stays, believe me.

I am a newbie when it comes to harassment. When I lived in Finland, I don’t remember stuff like this happening, or if it did it wasn’t the same, because I don’t remember being afraid like this. Maybe I’ve lived in some bubble, but I would rather live there than have this shit in my life…

Reason why I felt that I need to write about this, was that I was seriously thinking that why am I feeling and thinking that am I making this a bigger deal than it is. Why am I even thinking like that?! Is it some society thing, that if something like this happens, you are supposed to just push it down a bit and keep going and not say anything? Or is this some girl versus boys thing? That girls make things bigger in minds of boys. And I should probably say women versus men.

One friend of mine said something that really made me stop, she said ” someone please hit the reset button on this planet of ours”. I really wish that too. The amount of bad in this world is just insane, it’s hard to comprehend it, because it doesn’t make any sense why we are so just bad to each other.

I hate that I am trying to understand why someone would harass anyone? Why do I need to understand something like that?

This whole thing fills my head with questions and makes me afraid and vary of every guy when I go outside, at least here where I live. Though I feel that it’s elsewhere too these days.

Why something like this is a everyday thing for me or anyone else, just why? Why someone thinks that honking to me while I’m running is a good idea, just why?

I just want to do what I love and what is my lifeline in peace. That’s all. Please let me have this.

All I’m asking is, WHY?

#SaveYourFaceStupid Challenge

It’s time for me to stop! Stop something that I have been doing since I was pre teenager, something that is super addictive, super bad habit, ridiculously stupid and makes me feel like shit at best!

PROBLEM is this: I pick my face, as in squeeze pimples, impurities, zits, blackheads, whatever they are called. And I do it like a seasoned pro. I can spend, and this is not a joke, hours with this amazing past time hobby.

PROBLEM is also the fact that with this I have manage to make these nice scars all over my face. I call them craters, because they kind of look like that. And with picking my face, there’s always new pimples emerging. Like we all know, or now you do, the more you squeeze the more they pop up. So the only time my face looks pretty nice is when I’m on a holiday and can’t spend all that time in front of a mirror.

Yesterday evening I had this huge massacre moment again, no reason for it whatsoever. And I say that because this hobby has been a tension/ stress release thing for me for many many years. I don’t and have never really been into drinking, smoking, or these classic addictions. But this thing I have kept close to me forever.

The thing is that I am 30! And my face looks some days like a proper teenagers… Today in the morning when I looked at myself in the mirror, I just felt that it’s time to finally stop this bullshit. I am getting older which means, by all nature ways, that my skin gets looser and my pores aren’t as tight as they were ten years ago. Anyone who knows me well enough, like people who have lived or live with me, know this problem. I even have said after these joyrides to my boyfriend, “I raped my face… again…”. Yes.

But there’s something in this that gives such a satisfaction, that moment when a pimple just pops, some deep underground blackhead explodes! There’s something amazing and super victorious in those moments. Yes, that sounds ridiculous, I know, but hey we all have our things.

But there’s also days when I have been depressed, down on myself, just not okay and kind of punished my face for all the other feelings… And after short amount of time, I have manage to look so bad that I can’t even think of going outside. There’s some serious victory for you!

So after pondering the ups and downs of this favorite past time… I decided to start this challenge. Last year at this same time I had a another challenge for July. Little bit more life changing than this, but anyways. So I thought, let’s do this! It’s July Challenge time!

I even figured that now that I am in Twitter, I have to have a hashtag for those future AAARGH moments when all I want to do is just squeeze the hell out of that tiny pimple! And that glorious hashtag is #SaveYourFaceStupid :D. So, please do follow me in Twitter for these amazing updates about this glorious challenge :D. I am there by the name @thisbirddecided.

So, the challenge, that I will regret already this night as I wash my face and see that tiiiiiny pimple that screams for me to help himhersomething, is that I am not allowed to squeeze anything out of my face for the month of July! Fuck! I will die of definitely something!! :/

The point of this is that I have few dreams or goals. First, I actually found this organic cosmetic brand that my super sensitive skin seems to like, but because I keep doing this, I never really know. And then secondly, and little bit bigger dream or goal of mine: I really would love to model as in fitness and street wear photos. So, it would be a bit easier and nicer, more confident, with less red dots all over or some random dry spots.

This will be hard for me. Old BAD habits die hard, but I am ready to try my best! Which will probably me being like this… standing in front of the mirror screaming or just almost doing something and realizing that I can’t… The struggle will be real, for sure!

These photos that I have here, show really well those scars, but also remind me of my dream. As they are the first photos that we took to move forward my dream. P.S. I only have little powder, mascara and blush in these photos so no covering here.

So, let the games begin! ARGH!