People, We Need To Rest So We Can Push On With Our Dreams!

wp-1486894105825.pngI’m a massive believer in resting, mind body and soul. Without rest it’s nearly impossible to be able to push on with something that you find passionate for you, those dreams and goals. Always moving forward with the fastest speed isn’t bringing you closer to your goal, it might make you speed past it and forget to live while you’re at it.

Last year I took a long break of all I had done a lot the past years, running and writing. I didn’t feel inspired in any way, so the best thing I could do was to take a break. That was the best thing because I had time to listen to myself, fall to the depths and climb back, to remember who I am and what I want to accomplish now, and giving myself the moment to realize that it’s okay to change what you are moving towards. It’s okay to change your journey and goals, nothing wrong with that.

Looking back now, I started moving far from who I truly was the past year and that’s the main reason why I felt so lost and confused. I forgot to stay true to myself, no matter how much I wanted and thought of it. I forgot my strengths and power, the thing that makes me Me. For some reason I thought that I should change who I am to be able to get to where I wanted to head, though not even knowing where that was. So basically I was just aiming to nothing.

From the start of this year, or actually starting end of last year, something in me changed. Reminding me of who I am and that should never change. Maybe I needed to hit the wall of pain once again to remember. Sometimes that is needed, that’s it.

Now that I’ve been truly me, my life is filling with opportunities and insanely amazing moments that make me feel the biggest highs. Because I am me, I am radiating the possibility and what I have in me out of me, where others can see it and if they like it, give me opportunities to be me with them.

The reality is that once we realize that when we are true to ourselves the best things will come to our lives. It’s not easy but damn it’s good! It’s so worth it, trust me. Someone will see that and give you the chance you’ve been hungry for all these years.

But if I hadn’t taken the time out of my own life in a way, none of this would be happening in my life right now. I wouldn’t be confident enough to go after my dreams, I wouldn’t be even ready to say them to myself. So I really needed that break and to rest myself. Then and still everyday today.

Now that my life has taken massive steps forward I remind myself daily that I need to rest so that I can do what I want. I can’t let that intoxicating feeling of all the good get the best of me and realize too late that I am exhausted.

Rest is the time when you get to recharge yourself and be able to take what comes next. It’s different for all of us, but it’s equally important. And sleeping enough is one of the biggest, do not under estimate the benefits of sleep!

For me it’s meditating in the mornings with Headspace app, it’s simple enough and takes 15minutes, but the benefits are massive. I am able to start my day with a mindset that is ready to take the fast pace with calmness. I don’t have to drown myself in it anymore, I am able to stay calm and still be excited. When it comes to running, I take restdays to let my body recover, especially now that I am coming back from a long pause of normal training. I’m easing my body and mind to that all, letting that feeling come back when I yearn to run again and it feels good and is really something I want to do rather than have to do. I also keep a balance in my life with challenging myself with a new hobby, fly tying and soon fly fishing. When my life is now a lot about running and being quite social, I balance it out with time for myself in a totally different surrounding doing something that I have no clue from before. I’m also extremely grateful for this all, that I’m able to do what I am and have the opportunities I have. I do not take them for granted. I am really proud of the work I’ve done to be able to be here, but it’s taken me years and hasn’t been easy by any measure. There’s been a lot of tears, jealousy and negativity, but I wasn’t ready. I’m a working progress and always will be, now I just know and accept it. So I’m able to be ready for certain opportunities.

If we don’t rest the complex whole of our mind, body and soul, we won’t be able to do the things we want to accomplish in the end. Do not try to fool your body, that shit will always outsmart you, believe me!

And remember, really let this sink in, comparison will kill the living daylight out of you! What someone else is doing, doesn’t mean that you need to or should be able to do the same. We are all just one, and that makes us so damn special. ❤

So, rest up, ain’t nothing wrong with that! Find your way to do it and enjoy!

PMA ❤

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Pressure Drop

wp-image-399967542jpg.jpgIt finally happened, my overly stressed mind and body got some time off and I felt a massive pressure drop happening in me. I only needed couple of days in a different surroundings and time off from my angsty day rhythm.

Like I’ve written during this summer, this whole recovery thing has taken a toll on me in ways I never expected. But it feels so damn nice to finally feel lighter and happier and more focused. That massive cloud is lifting from my happiness and I’m slowly but very surely getting my happy back.

Sometimes we need to go back or far, to see close. I needed couple of days with a person in different city, that really knows me and listens in a way I needed. My Grandpa. Me and my Grandpa have always had a bit special relationship, we are very close, in my childhood people thought that he’s my Dad more than few times. We’re made from the same wood in a way.

When I left my home to go and visit him, I felt so down and restless and just overly stressed. My body was swollen without a reason, I had a minor migraine all the time, it was just rebelling to all what had been going on. Yelling at me to calm down any way possible. I didn’t realise how massive of a difference couple of peace filled days could make.

I remember noticing this thing on my way back from there this Tuesday, I’ve had my ankles swollen for some weeks now, just a little bit or a lot, depending on the day. And all of sudden when I was travelling back home, I noticed that they were normal again, I could see my normal ankles. It’s a small thing but showed me in a very literal way how important it is to calm down. I could also feel how my body in general felt and looked better. And the difference inside, it glowed out with a peace and calmness that I had been yearning for a long time. Life has felt better than in a long time now.

Today is a good day, we have a Midnight Run in Helsinki tonight with members of my crew KARMA runners joining, and I get to run next to them while some of them run their first race, ever!

And next week I get to see so many of my international running friends in Stockholm as we tackle the amazing weekend there during the Half Marathon. Cannot wait!! So things are looking up. 🙂

Sometimes we really need to go away, stop and feel that we are heard and then pick ourselves back up. And we need to remember how insanely wise our grandparents are, so call to them, go visit them, show them that you care.

LOVE! PMA ❤

I Thought I Lost You, But You Are There Still

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Last week a friend of mine took some photos of me, I’ve asked her is she could as I needed some for my updated CV. I never thought that the images she took could make me feel the way they did. She was able to capture me, really me, the one I thought I lost during the past months.

For majority of this year I’ve felt a bit lost with myself. First because I was so adamant with my weird feeling of not wanting to stay in Finland, it felt like a prison sentence, I didn’t want to have anything solid here. I fought so hard against it all. And then with my wrist operation I think I grew tired of fighting, as I had to fight against so many other weird feelings that the operation had brought up.

The difference between this year and last is so big that sometimes I feel that they have to have more than one New Year between them. Last year was so much, it was planned and about jumping to whatever came to me, just taking whatever without thinking what it might mean in some time. I was just rushing and living, maybe too much, maybe not enough, but maybe I let myself actually live for the first time in really long time. I had been keeping myself back for so long that I just let loose and flew, not to the right direction by any means all the time, but I was still flying. And ended up my year with my wings almost cut off.

This year started with me looking in the mirror and realising things that I didn’t want to face, as I knew that they will rip all those scars that I had carefully tried to heal, open again to the core. And through this year I’ve looked myself in the mirror with that same look, quite a few times. Feeling lost and not sure what to do about it, feeling like I’m suffocating, feeling disappointed in myself, mind and body. I think that’s been the hardest to take, knowing that now I actually need to take a step back and that I can’t rush like last year. I need to heal, I need to give myself a break, I need to be patient in the many ways of that word. And it’s been very very hard. Depression has crept it’s ugly head at times, but there’s been still something that has kept me without sinking completely.

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

When I saw the photos my friend took last week tonight, I looked at myself in a different way, in new and more positive eyes. I’ve looked myself in the mirror end of this summer with new eyes few times, with a gentle and loving way, saying to myself that “you are beautiful and enough”. And smiled to what that notion has done to my face, it soften and glowing in a way I thought I lost already completely.

And today when I looked at my own face from those photos, I felt so beautiful.

It’s been such a long time I’ve felt like that. Since my operation it’s been so hard to accept the changes on my body, when I can’t be as active as I’ve been. The weight gain and lost of muscle and the cellulite, the evil cellulite that makes you feel so unwomanly for some reason. I looked photos from last summer when I felt so much like I’m in my own skin for the first time, and then this summer I looked at my body in a mirror and it was so far from what it was so little time ago. I tried to say to myself that you’ll get it back soon, but what I just wanted to do deep down was to eat more and make myself feel even worse. Which obviously doesn’t make any sense, but I was at the start again with my body, after all that insanely hard work I’d done for the past 3 something years. I had worked and worked for a body I had always dreamed of, and now it was gone.

It has been such a long summer, and not in a easy breezy nice way. I’ve looked and read and been on the sidelines as others have been living this summer like I wanted to live it. I’ve had to accept the very slow process of healing from two operations at once. Having very good things happening too, like having my own home and not feeling like I want to go again, but not being able to really be happy about all of it. It’s taken me all the way to August to slowly finding me again. 2016 hasn’t been my favorite, at least yet, I might change my mind later about that.

But something changed when I saw myself in those photos. I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t looked like there’s pain and frustration behind my eyes. I looked like I am happy again, slow and steady getting my real happy back.

I’m not expecting anything drastic of myself now. I want to show myself that I can again, just like I did little over 3 years ago, when this whole journey started. I’m in a new beginning. But I have great people to make this start easier and filled with deep rooted laughs and tears and honesty.

Let’s do this, once again.

PMA ❤

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

 

50 / 50 Life

I feel like I’ve been living a 50/50 life. Seeing good in things but doubting them in the end. Loving myself but still putting myself down. Giving myself a break to breath but then feeling guilty of that all.

Having too much time to be only with yourself is not always the best possible situation. At least if you’re like me, really able to go deep in your thoughts and spiral with them. My mind plays tricks on me as soon as it can when all I want and need is a break from all of that.

The last two months or actually more than that, I’ve been without a daily rhythm after my wrist operation, and I still have little over a month to go. I had big plans for this summer, but things changed when I got what I wished for long, the operation to fix my broken wrist. So there’s that 50/50 again, having something you really wanted but having to let go of plans that you had bubbling in your head for so long. My social summer changed to a boring day by day challenge of accepting my healing body.

One of the main goals for me the last year or so has been to be more social. My super introverted self has wanted to be alone and have my own space for way longer than that. There’s that 50/50 again. The annoying truth is that I’m extremely shy but able to be very social when with people, I use that skill as a shield. But I don’t know how to have a balance, I tend to go from one end to another. Doing so much at once that I’m exhausted for days afterwards, and then feeling like I’m missing out and feeling lonely. Loving the fact that I have friends these days who contact me, something I wanted for so long, but feeling overwhelmed and tired of receiving all that attention. There’s that 50/50 again.

Now that I have my own place again, one of my biggest “fears” was that it’s so easy for me to be only on my own that what if I start doing that too much again. There’s part of me that will probably always do that. To rather say No to things people invite me than Yes, even if I will regret it later on. But I would love to find the courage in me to say Yes more. To be more with people and show myself that it’s possible to be less 50/50. So I’m asking my friends if we could see. I even started a running group, though not realising before now that that’s quite social thing from me to do…

Through that group I’ve met new people, pretty much every week, having to be social even if I’m scared of that one on one contact. I’ve always been better with groups than one on one, when the person is new to me. I have to put myself in front of those people and show them how to warm up and lead the runs. And to be honest I’ve been absolutely terrified of it all, but every Wednesday I do it and feel great after wards. Maybe without realising I did myself a huge favor with starting something that in the end scares me the most.

Today when I was running I was thinking that why does it always have to be so black and white, so 50/50. Why I love my deep blue eyes and my face and how it’s certain in it’s shape, and then feel so insecure and even disgusted on those worst days of certain parts of my body. Why a year ago I was in the best shape of my life and ran and ran and was so happy, and now I’m struggling with my body image and my weight and feeling confused and uncertain of this all. Why is it so hard to keep a rhythm of doing things. When I stopped moving regularly, I stopped writing regularly, and both of those mind and body activities became very hard to keep or start again. Now, the more I run the more I feel I want to write. And naturally the better I feel.

I’m not there yet, I’m on my 50/50 road to learning how to balance this all again. Learning to love myself once more.

Slow and steady. Even when it sucks.

PMA ❤

Scars That Don’t Want To Heal

471567_10150877147547726_1778206004_oWe’re always evolving, growing. But certain scars take a lot longer to heal than others. Some moments in our past have gone so deep in our soul that it’s almost impossible to be free from them completely. What to do to those scars that don’t want to heal.

There’s huge contradiction between old and new, scars and newly shed skin, having closure and letting go and missing closure and not finding your freedom.

While my past haunts me at times and reminds me of how broken and torn my soul still is, I’m still human and thankful of that exact thing. Moving on and past things that have been so traumatizing, is not easy and especially when you actually want to deal them and not just forget and move on. But there are days when it all feels a bit too much and you doubt your whole being, with thoughts that just don’t make any sense. Like why this is happening to me and did I do something so wrong that I’m paying for my own karma now? Why someone deserves happiness and I don’t? Why someone’s life is so filled with love and I’m here mending my soul?

All of these thoughts make me feel really confused as I have more love in my life these days than ever before. Why some little thing can throw you completely off your course? How you can feel so loved and so alone at the same time? But I think deep down we all yearn to be loved by that one special, even when we know that we’re not alone and are so very loved by our friends and family. And admitting to yourself that you are nowhere close to being ready for any relationship with that special kind of love, because you don’t want to have any old issues when you enter something new, is hard when you feel lonely.

We’re so used to judging others and how they live their lives these days that we forget how big of an impact we’re able to do to someones life with just a simple little joke or comment. Everything is so public that it seems that it’s all free for whatever comes to our minds. And when someone is actually private and keeps their business to themselves we get confused and judge even more.

But at the same time, those people who are honest and brave with who they are and what they are going through, are the biggest inspirations to me. They truly wear their heart on their sleeve, like I feel that I am doing. Maybe I’m opening the door for people to judge me, but I would not want to live my life any other way. This is who I am and I’ve been hiding myself majority of my life and have no interest in doing so anymore. That probably will piss some people off, which is okay to me too, but please keep your judgement and comments to yourself, because in the end of the day they only tell me how you feel about yourself not me.

It’s human to feel hurt and in pain, and it’s human to feel anger towards someone who’s done you wrong. But it’s also very damn human to be able to feel happy for those who have hurt you if they seem happy. To me that shows that I have grown so much and don’t need to keep that pain of hatred in me anymore, but I also don’t need to understand why they did what they did. I forgive but certain things are harder to forget, though at the same time those experiences made me who I am and without them I would not know what I truly deserve and what I definitely don’t. So my intention is to be thankful for all, no matter how damn hard it feels some days.

It’s terrifying how we can hurt each other and how deep scars we can leave behind. The more you talk to and with people there’s this sadness of people treating each other so poorly, puking their own pain and scars to those who love them the most. It all makes it so much harder to trust in love and good, even when you have it in your life through your friends and family, but the void someone has left in you can suffocate the good of others. When someone destroys your soul with their carelessness, it kills the joy in you and you yearn freedom from that weight so bad.

“Freedom! Freedom! I can’t move
Freedom, cut me loose!
Yeah, freedom! Freedom! Where are you?
Cause I need freedom too!
I break chains all by myself
Won’t let my freedom rot in hell
Hey! I’ma keep running
Cause a winner don’t quit on themselves”

Beyonce – Freedom 

No one knows what lies behind the smile that is on my face, no one has the right to judge my why’s, no one who doesn’t know what I’ve been through has the right to doubt my strength and my decisions.

I’m who I am because of my past, I’m proud of myself exactly because of that. I’ve worked so damn hard. I’ve loved even harder and gotten so gut wrenching broken that I wonder to myself how I’m still standing, but I am. Deep in me I know and believe that I deserve love and good in my life, even though how much there’s reasons to doubt that. I have the right to get mad and be honest and open, that is what makes me so damn strong! I smile so wide because of this all, my laughter comes from the deepest depths of my soul because I’ve been hurt so bad. I respect and appreciate my struggle and march in the rhythm of my own drum. And for damn sure, I will love as much I have until now, but I’m not interest in anyone’s half ass attempts of using my time. I deserve better than that!

LOVE. ALWAYS LOVE. PMA. ❤