Fear. Broken In My Brain. Epilepsy. Love.

IMG_1876This past week was a lot to take. The honesty I got out today when sending a voicemessage to my soul friend all the way to Canada, it came out with tears, anger, sadness, laughter, all.

What that one epilepsy seizure last week managed to do, was way bigger than I ever thought possible, probably because I haven’t thought the whole decease in over 13 years… Or maybe at some points between that time 13 years ago and now, but less and less all the time.

I have been so angry to myself, to my epilepsy, for messing up something I thought don’t need any messing up. I was crying today while on a walk in stormy weather. Crying because I was tired of taking one thing after another this past year, like I’m made of some unbreakable matter that is ready for whatever the world has to throw.

I remember when I got my last big seizure, I was just about to turn 18 and my first thought at the doctor was that “can I have children?”. I remembered that today, and wondered do I still worry that same thing now after my last seizure. Honestly, not sure. I had so many years that I didn’t even want kids, so now I have no idea.

What the seizure did, was that it just pulled the carpet under me and left me wonder what to do with all the feels… I’ve felt more than broken and lost and sad and mad and angry and afraid.

It brought back this deep rooted fear. Fear of me being okay. If no one ever will love me with my broken brain. It dumped me in my depression and insecurities of not being worthy. Being worried of all the tiniest “not normal” feelings in my body. Fear if it’s okay to do this or that, because what if I get another one?

What epilepsy does, is wire your brain the way it’s not supposed to for a brief moment. You lose a unspecified moment of your life and you have no idea what happened in that moment. Other than leave you with bruises, cuts and blood on your hands. It leaves you with unsure feeling and worry of what just happened. You don’t understand why people are talking to you calmly and asking you simple questions and why they say that the ambulance is coming.

I remember thinking, long time ago, that some higher power must think that I’m strong enough to carry so many confusing, forever deceases. That there has to be a reason why I have epilepsy and depression. Both confusing and with no reason why. I guess my brain has been a bit broken since I was born. Maybe that’s what makes me so special, this is the part that my friend would be happy to read, and that’s why writing it makes me smile.

But today I really didn’t understand if I am supposed to be strong enough to carry these? Why me, why do my last year has to be a constant challenge? Mostly I felt sad, deep sadness that there needs to be something. I wanted to scream enough is enough!

At the same time, I remind myself how well things are in my life. Which almost makes me feel angrier, like I shouldn’t be allowed to feel all what I am, because I have to be grateful of the good in my life.

If something is certain, it is the fact that that one moment last Tuesday morning, made me feel confused and bring new perspective and honesty in my life. I hate that I can’t be as happy about certain things that I would normally. I hate that I need to feel sad now to feel better soon. I don’t want to dismiss all of this but I am tired of it. And I am more than tired to feel afraid again. Like I have to or need to prove something to myself again, after the work I’ve done to kick that useless fear to the curb.

One thing that made me feel really small was the thing that I needed to admit how much I miss being wanted and loved by someone, that special. I have no idea why it came so strong with this all, but it pushed it’s way to the surface and didn’t let me go before I said it out loud. It had nothing to do with me not loving myself, it has all to do with me wanting to feel special to someone. How beautiful would it feel if someone would say something like ” I know that your brain is broken and that you’re not perfect but that’s why I love you even more”.  This all doesn’t mean that I want to make something happen just for the sake of it, nope, but admitting that I would love to spend some time in the arms of someone nice and special, I need to admit that would be amazing.

How am I going to get rid of this fear that crept back in me?

I feel like I need to travel somewhere alone, even for few days to prove myself that I’m good. That I’m still all that hard work I’ve done, that it didn’t just disappear in that one moment. Be on my own and remember who I am. Get rid of this feeling that tries to make my insides dark again, which only makes me angry.

Like with all things, there’s good in this whole thing too. I know that I’m not alone with this. I have more love in my life than before, whether I’m missing that special one or not. My body is way smarter than me, so I should just listen to it. More less is more in the good way, of more water and good food and running and hugs and friends and one day that special hug, yep. I’ll promise to be better to myself and remember what are important to me under all that I thought are important.


Grab Your Life By The Balls – It’s Yours And No One Else’s

IMGP8079These past few months I’ve really come close with this weird thing that is raving around me. People want to put you down as much as they can if you follow your own heart, or are happy or feel that what you do is the right thing to do, whatever others say about it. Especially if it’s far from the “norm”.

The closer I’ve come to what I truly want to do with my life, the more I’ve come to notice that some people just don’t want you to succeed. The happier I am, the more I come across with negativity. The harder I work towards my goals and dreams, the more doubt come in front of me too.

Why is someones happiness such toxic poison to some?

Why doubt needs to be the first thing that comes up?

Why don’t we encourage the bravery?

I used to talk a lot about what I want to do and what I’m going to do, only to end up doing nothing. All talk no action. These days I rather stay quiet and just do what I want. I’ve learned the hard way that when you share your passion, the amount of people giving their two cents is just insane.

I understand genuine worry and caring about, but I don’t understand genuine drop your path because you shouldn’t do what we don’t. We are not supposed to do all the same, whether you feel it’s the right or wrong way to live someones life, it’s not yours to decide. What I think about someones else’s life, is something I should keep in me, at least as long as the other one actually asks what I think. It’s not my place to make a decision for someone else’s happiness. I don’t have to understand why someone does something, but I am not the one to have the last saying in what they should do.

I think we’ve completely forgotten how to encourage and push bravery on. It’s not like this world would be what it is these days, if there wouldn’t be those crazy brave ones who wanted to step out of the norm. How are we able to say that someone is really inspirational in one moment and then on the other that what they are doing is wrong, because we wouldn’t do it?! That doesn’t make any sense.

The downright truth is that we are here really short amount of time, and it would be insanely stupid to not do what makes us the happiest, even if that means that everyone won’t understand why. Why would we need to please everyone, it’s not their life to live. It’s about you and only you. This is your life and your decision.

I haven’t always done the smartest things in my life, when it comes to deciding my next move. But what I am doing these days, I know for a fact, that I am doing the right thing for myself. I don’t expect people to always understand why I do what I do, and why I jump from one to another like nothing. But I do respect their worry and concern. And I’ve gone through enough pleasing others and letting them control my life choices, that I have no interest in that anymore. I have no interest in hurting others either, but I am doing my choices in a way that I can stay true to myself while respecting the people around me. And if my decisions aren’t hurting anyone, then I’m doing the right thing.

I might not have this all figured out, but why the hell should I have?! Then I would not live, I would plan things ready and just stop and float around, probably complaining about things that have no real reason to be even coming out of my mouth. The moment I stopped complaining about useless stuff, my life got better. The moment I did something to those things I wasn’t happy about, my life got better. The moment I truly listened to my own heart and self, my life got better.

Living true to yourself and being truly yourself, doesn’t always float everyone’s boat, but it shouldn’t. We are not made from the same wood and we’re not supposed to do the same thing.

I haven’t done any of the things “you should”. I don’t have a proper education, which would somehow miraculously end up me having a proper job. I have messed up my finances so well in my early twenties that I am still paying the price for that. I still don’t have a steady job, actually none at the moment. I still don’t have a place to call mine or even a home. I still don’t have any money. I still don’t have that 5 year plan. My life still fits in just two suitcases. Or I’m still not married or have kids. And I am still 31 years old with nothing that I am supposed to have… But, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am richer in ways I’ve never been before. I am free from the old and open to what comes my way without the fear all the time. I have people around me, which I’ve let in my life and selfishly chosen to have, that push me and encourage me and believe in me and love me no matter what. And give me that tough love at times, without the need to kill my goals and dreams. I have the support of people around the world that see what I see in myself. I have no interest in being perfect or doing the norm, because that just doesn’t work with me. It makes me depressed and miserable. But I have insane amounts of heart and hope in me, I know that I am on the right path.

And when I start doubting this all, I know how hard I’ve worked to get where I am now and how far I am from what I’ve been. The less I listen to others and their two cents, the better I feel and closer to my goals I get. And I also know that if I need to ask someone if I’m on the right path, I know who to talk to. And they won’t sugarcoat the answer but be real with me. I might get hurt but at least I’m living the life I want for myself. I will struggle, but I rather struggle than not. That struggle has got me where I am now.

I understand and respect why some people feel how they feel of my choices, my history isn’t the brightest in that way. But in those moments I wish that they too could let go of the old and believe in what is happening now. I haven’t given up in so long time and I have no interest in giving up anymore. I did that for good 30 years. The majority of my life is in front of me and I am going to make the best of it. Jumping to the unknown like I have, loving with all my heart and more, keep being who I am and pushing on. And if I can help others while doing that, I am basically doing what I set out to do.

So what I am asking from those who are into doubting others, you don’t have to like what I am doing or someone else, but you do need to respect them enough to let them be them. Simply, you don’t have to like it or them, but you have to respect them. Or if you try to control them, you are just hurting yourself or becoming bitter because you didn’t do something you wanted. And that should never be the reason to kill someone else’s happiness and joy. Let people have their dreams and goals and go after them. Their happiness isn’t taking anything away from you. Try to find what really makes you happy and shine that light out! Negativity kills this all, so let’s stop that. With some good old fashion PMA (positive mental attitude) you get so much more out of yourself and your life. More love, more support, more YES!