Scars That Don’t Want To Heal

471567_10150877147547726_1778206004_oWe’re always evolving, growing. But certain scars take a lot longer to heal than others. Some moments in our past have gone so deep in our soul that it’s almost impossible to be free from them completely. What to do to those scars that don’t want to heal.

There’s huge contradiction between old and new, scars and newly shed skin, having closure and letting go and missing closure and not finding your freedom.

While my past haunts me at times and reminds me of how broken and torn my soul still is, I’m still human and thankful of that exact thing. Moving on and past things that have been so traumatizing, is not easy and especially when you actually want to deal them and not just forget and move on. But there are days when it all feels a bit too much and you doubt your whole being, with thoughts that just don’t make any sense. Like why this is happening to me and did I do something so wrong that I’m paying for my own karma now? Why someone deserves happiness and I don’t? Why someone’s life is so filled with love and I’m here mending my soul?

All of these thoughts make me feel really confused as I have more love in my life these days than ever before. Why some little thing can throw you completely off your course? How you can feel so loved and so alone at the same time? But I think deep down we all yearn to be loved by that one special, even when we know that we’re not alone and are so very loved by our friends and family. And admitting to yourself that you are nowhere close to being ready for any relationship with that special kind of love, because you don’t want to have any old issues when you enter something new, is hard when you feel lonely.

We’re so used to judging others and how they live their lives these days that we forget how big of an impact we’re able to do to someones life with just a simple little joke or comment. Everything is so public that it seems that it’s all free for whatever comes to our minds. And when someone is actually private and keeps their business to themselves we get confused and judge even more.

But at the same time, those people who are honest and brave with who they are and what they are going through, are the biggest inspirations to me. They truly wear their heart on their sleeve, like I feel that I am doing. Maybe I’m opening the door for people to judge me, but I would not want to live my life any other way. This is who I am and I’ve been hiding myself majority of my life and have no interest in doing so anymore. That probably will piss some people off, which is okay to me too, but please keep your judgement and comments to yourself, because in the end of the day they only tell me how you feel about yourself not me.

It’s human to feel hurt and in pain, and it’s human to feel anger towards someone who’s done you wrong. But it’s also very damn human to be able to feel happy for those who have hurt you if they seem happy. To me that shows that I have grown so much and don’t need to keep that pain of hatred in me anymore, but I also don’t need to understand why they did what they did. I forgive but certain things are harder to forget, though at the same time those experiences made me who I am and without them I would not know what I truly deserve and what I definitely don’t. So my intention is to be thankful for all, no matter how damn hard it feels some days.

It’s terrifying how we can hurt each other and how deep scars we can leave behind. The more you talk to and with people there’s this sadness of people treating each other so poorly, puking their own pain and scars to those who love them the most. It all makes it so much harder to trust in love and good, even when you have it in your life through your friends and family, but the void someone has left in you can suffocate the good of others. When someone destroys your soul with their carelessness, it kills the joy in you and you yearn freedom from that weight so bad.

“Freedom! Freedom! I can’t move
Freedom, cut me loose!
Yeah, freedom! Freedom! Where are you?
Cause I need freedom too!
I break chains all by myself
Won’t let my freedom rot in hell
Hey! I’ma keep running
Cause a winner don’t quit on themselves”

Beyonce – Freedom 

No one knows what lies behind the smile that is on my face, no one has the right to judge my why’s, no one who doesn’t know what I’ve been through has the right to doubt my strength and my decisions.

I’m who I am because of my past, I’m proud of myself exactly because of that. I’ve worked so damn hard. I’ve loved even harder and gotten so gut wrenching broken that I wonder to myself how I’m still standing, but I am. Deep in me I know and believe that I deserve love and good in my life, even though how much there’s reasons to doubt that. I have the right to get mad and be honest and open, that is what makes me so damn strong! I smile so wide because of this all, my laughter comes from the deepest depths of my soul because I’ve been hurt so bad. I respect and appreciate my struggle and march in the rhythm of my own drum. And for damn sure, I will love as much I have until now, but I’m not interest in anyone’s half ass attempts of using my time. I deserve better than that!

LOVE. ALWAYS LOVE. PMA. ❤

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Love Is Strange, But Oh So Good If You Let It!

IMG_8250Yeah, it is! It makes us go all weird and makes us say things that we might not say or do things that are just ridiculous. But what if there’s love that is just calm and good?

This post is not only about love, don’t worry, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it the last year, how it is part of us since we are born. It’s with us in our everyday life, in so many different ways. When we smile at some little kid, it’s shining out of us. When we are happy, it’s there. When we are sad, it really is there. When we hug a friend, it’s there. When we kiss that special one, it’s there. When we hear the voice of someone we care about, it’s there. When we see the face and smile from afar that we like, it’s there. It’s never not there.

My idea of love has changed a lot the past couple of years. I remember there was a time when I was thinking that I have no idea what it means, and before I do know, I don’t want to say it. Just because I’m supposed to in certain situations. But I’m also in a place in my life where I know that I rather say it when I mean it than leave it unsaid.

“The trouble is that you think you have time.” – Buddha

I think the way I feel about love changed while I’ve changed. It changed and got new dimensions when I lost my Grandma last September. Loosing someone that close and one who has taught you how to love in her own way, it changes you. It makes you think about your future relationships differently, as you’ve seen your grandparents living their lives together your whole life. I never thought about them like that before, I always loved certain things they did or how they behaved around each other. But when the other isn’t there anymore, it’s the time when you start thinking about those moments that were normal before. It also makes you finally understand that we don’t have limitless time on this planet. And not taking a risk with someone all of sudden doesn’t make any sense…

We’ve all had relationships that have taught us something, no matter how good or bad they’ve been, they always teach something. When I was insecure and didn’t love myself too much, I ended up in relationships where I knew from the start that this is not going to be a good thing, but I just stayed and ended up being hurt. I wasn’t always the good one, none like the other was always. There’s always two in a relationship. But I wasn’t there in a way I hope to be able to be now. I said things that weren’t really 100% me, because I really had no idea who I was and what I wanted. I sucked so much stuff that hurt me and really scarred me for a long time, something we should never do. Like a friend of mine said couple of weeks ago, “life’s too short to be unhappy”. It really is. But we rather stay stuck in a situation that just isn’t going anywhere because we are afraid of the what if. I’ve been there, so many times, been so afraid to be happy that I’ve rather stayed in that unhappy place because it was familiar. While I’ve been wondering why can’t I just be happy?

I’ve also always been a believer in love. I’ve wanted to believe that it’s not supposed to be too hard. Real, yes. But not make life harder. Challenging at times, yes, but always because both are willing to take that challenge. Not challenging the other to a limit where they feel completely empty and like the life has been sucked out.

I don’t regret any of my relationships, just like I don’t regret my mistakes and choices that I’ve made in life. Each and every one of those have taught me something, and all those together are the reason who I am now. So I can only be thankful for them. Maybe I needed to hit my head to the wall that many times to believe that that’s not what’s good for me. Maybe I needed to suffer in a way, to see what happiness really is. Maybe I needed to feel as bad as I did to see how amazing I am and how much I have to give.

I feel a lot of the time these days, especially in my age people, that we tend to make our lives a lot harder than they need to be. We over analyze everything, overthink our every move to a point where we don’t know what we wanted in the beginning. We are in such a hurry with our lives that we forget to actually live them and enjoy the ride.

I’ve definitely been one of those people, and still have moments when I do that, but I’ve learned to recognize them and ask myself what’s really going on. Is all of that necessary?

I read from somewhere that the person who is our soulmate or the one, should make you feel calm, not nervous. I started thinking about it, and it makes so much sense. Butterflies in belly are a great thing because they make us remember and feel all that we feel, but when it’s nerves and anxiety, it’s not good. That’s what I want to be able to give, peace and calm to my relationship. And I hope to feel that too. I want to be able to be quiet without anything being wrong. Just being able to be next to someone so comfortable that it’s easy to be quiet. In the end the person I want to spend my life, should make me feel like I’m safe and if I feel really nervous about something, I know that they will calm me down and have my back.

We want to be so much in control these days that we forget that we can’t make things like we want always, something we just need to let go and see what happens. Trust the unknown, with all it’s terrifying openness. That unknown has been the best place for me the last year. Every time I’ve let go, I’ve gotten so much good, so much love. It doesn’t get any less scary, but I’ve started to trust it. I can’t control what happens all the time, I just need to let it happen. Once I let go of the panic control, I started seeing my whole life in a new way, and so many doors started opening to me. It’s not easy, if it would be we would all be super happy and content with our lives all the time. But I rather try than be scared and think of the what if’s.

“The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.”

The idea we have these days about a perfect relationship is so far from reality, that it’s impossible to actually make it work, at least the way we want it to. We want to change the person we fall for, not take them as they really are, with their scars and past. But why we want to be with someone if we want to change them straight away? Isn’t all that they have gone through in their lives, exactly what’s made them who they are now, just like us? That’s supposed to be the thing that we get interested in, those things that have molded that person to who they are when we meet them.

I’ve been one of those whose either thought that I can “help” someone away from their problems, or just wanted to change them in to something else, more suitable for me and where I have been in my life. I don’t think that’s something that any of us want to admit, but why not. I know that I have and that I don’t anymore. That is the great thing about admitting your past and being okay with it. I was probably trying to change them because I was insecure and thought that if the other one would be like this or that, then my problems wouldn’t feel that big.

After my little over 31 years here, some relationships later. After huge change in myself and really being honest with who I am and what I actually want, I’ve noticed that the things that are important to me in a relationship are really simple, but at times the hardest to do.

Trust is love to me. I’ve gone through lack of trust for the biggest part of my life, which made me really suspicious in my relationships. It’s hard to trust or be trustworthy if you’ve felt that the promises aren’t kept that are shaping you as you grow up. But once I gave up the past, once I let go of the hurt that it had done and said it out loud, I was actually trusting for the first time in my life. I trusted myself to be truthful to myself, which ends up me being that to others too. I don’t need to hide myself anymore.

I want a relationship where I can be genuinely me, with my good and bad, my ups and downs, my from zero to hundred moments, my joy and laughter. It’s hard to find that, but I’ve gotten a glimpse of how it can feel and while it’s a bit scary, it feels so good. Not to be nervous about saying the things you have inside of you, or being all stupid in front of the person. We need to start being more stupid and remember to really have fun and do somersaults when we feel like it, you can never be too old for that. We need more laughter in our lives.

I want my love to be pure in a way that it’s effortless for me to give, something I don’t even think. I don’t need to love so that I can get love back, that’s wrong way to do it. It has to be something that comes from you without you thinking what you can gain from it. That’s not love, that’s business. Most of the time, we don’t “get” anything back when we love. You don’t always get a smile back when you smile to someone on the street, but that’s totally okay.

I wish that the person I spend my life with and love, is my best friend. The friend that I can truly talk about my fears, my dreams and goals, the one who supports me even when they don’t understand. I firmly believe that it’s really important to be able to say whatever to your person, without the fear of what will they say. Because if you’ve been true and honest in what you want and feel, the other person knows what makes you happy, maybe sometimes before you do. They are there for you, especially in those scary moments. They are able to put themselves in the back for some time to be there for you.

Honesty and trust are huge to me. I’ve gone through journey of lies in it and when I got rid of that me, I haven’t looked back. If you can’t be honest, then there’s a problem. You can’t trust if you’re not honest, I think it’s that simple.

Sometimes we need to shatter to millions of pieces to really reveal who we are and what we want. It’s one of the scariest things in life, but so rewarding. Once you start climbing your way back up from that, you learn all you have in you.

Sometimes we meet someone who comes to our life in the weirdest time, but they change all in a second and all that was there before starts feeling like it’s not right anymore. Letting go of the old and familiar is the scariest part. There’s no guaranty on the other side, other than the trust and feeling that this feels better than what I had before. If that person makes you feel calm and don’t give up with the first pump on the road, I believe they are there for real. If they are able to take those moments when you break down, and don’t go into it with you but are there for you to be in panic, cry, yell, whatever and still after that will hug you and be there for you, then keep those close. They are ready to be in it for real. They don’t get scared of those moments.

“Throughout this life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You could talk to them for hours and never get bored. You could tell them anything and they would never judge you. This person is your soul mate, your best friend. Don’t ever let them go.” – Unknown 

I think the person whose meant to be with you, is someone who challenges you. In a way that makes you feel like I have more in me that I thought. That love is raw, real, honest and warm. It doesn’t always say what you want to hear but what you need to hear. But in the end you know that they do and say those things because they care. That kind of love isn’t supposed to be all perfect with no arguments, of course there’s those, it’s part of life. But you both know that it’s part of the journey. Past needs to be in the past, not brought to present as a mean way of fighting. We all have a past, but it’s called past for a reason. To use it as a weapon is the lowest way of fighting. There’s no trust in that.

I want to be able to talk with my person about future without fear. I want to say that I would love to have kids and maybe live on the countryside one day. I want to be able to talk about future in a way that makes me and them think about it together, as a unit or a team. Are our dreams, wishes or hopes similar?

But there also have to be patience in love. You can’t just rush through something, even when it’s good. Something I’m learning everyday. Patience is not easy, but it’s key to really knowing what is good for you. In my “past” life, I was always in a hurry. I wanted everything to happen straight away, not tomorrow, now. But now, I am in no hurry to rush love anywhere, I want to actually learn what it is and could be. I want to learn who the person is and what they want. I want to be able to be friends and grow from there. It’s not the easiest as I’ve always done it the other way round, or in a hurry. But I really want to “do things differently”.

“Friendship into love takes growing. Knowing is to love.” – Mikky Ekko – U

And at my age, you also feel secure in yourself enough to say what you want. If you don’t say what you want, you will never have it. If you are not honest in what is inside of you, then don’t be surprise if the other one doesn’t know it either. If you don’t show how you feel and put yourself out there, you will never know. I’m too old for some games, the ones that we somehow think it’s okay to play these days, with each others hearts and feelings?

In the end, we all want to the same thing, to love and be loved and share our lives with someone. Why we make that simple pleasure so complicated? Why we give up so easy on the ones that makes us feel the best but challenge us, aren’t those the ones worth keeping? Love is not that hard, if you try to remember how it was when you were a kid. It was as simple as a hug.

Love has to be equal and understanding. You have to be a unit, a team that plays on the same side. I want to forgive, because we’ve all made mistakes. I want to leave the past in the past. What is now matters. I want to be able say what I want in life without thinking “can I?”. I need to be able to be me, in front of the one. I need to be able to take them as they are, with scars, ups and downs. There has to be inside jokes. No compromises in things that matter. If they really care, they don’t want you to compromise, they support.

“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of our time. There are too many mediocre things in life; love shouldn’t be one of them.” – Unknown

Whoever you love, keep your love pure, honest and true. Don’t judge or make it harder than it needs to be, because in the end it’s really simple. Let it fill you with all it’s magic, and let it challenge you. Trust in that jump you need to take when you really love. Trust that gut feeling, it usually knows best. Love because you want to, not because you want something from it. Just love. And say that you love, better to say than keep it as a secret. Love should never be something you need to fight for all the time, it’s just there. And remember that it needs watering, so that it can really blossom. ❤

 

Samsø Ultra – When Running Is Just Running With A Side Of What Happened?

IMG_8193Sunburned skin, legs filled with scratches from knee deep wild rose bushes, body feeling like it’s really worked hard for something that means so much, head feeling tired and humbly proud.

I’ve never really raced in my life, never really put my body to a test like I did last Saturday at Samsø Ultra.

I’m writing this all through a haze of after race blues, that funny feeling that doesn’t make any sense, but is still there. But after that race I’m not even surprised, because I went to a whole new level of myself there. I wasn’t that nervous the days before, a bit the evening before but slept good, and then the start line was in front of me with all the people and me alone. And that was the moment when I realized that my friend, who was supposed to run the race too wasn’t going to be next to me. I wanted so badly to get his legs good before the race, not because I thought that I might need to run alone, just the fact that I really didn’t want him to hurt and be injured. And then it hit me, I’m going to run a race alone for the first time, I’ve always had friends around me. And I was so insanely afraid. IMG_8182

The first 5km or so, I was in pretty dark place, I kind of wanted to stop running, I was afraid that I’m going to be last, AGAIN, my legs felt like led and like there’s nothing in them to push on.

And then the route just went over this huge grass hill and on top of that all I could do was look around and feel so small in the best possible way, and then it hit me, goddamned I’m lucky to be here. I was just smiling like an idiot, thinking that I need to go on because I wanted to run the race for my friend.

The first 20km was so hard, so insanely hard. It was like running in some ridiculously beautiful Hobit country, with all the sheep’s and cows and horses around you, with huge hills going up and down. I got lost and was really happy that so did these amazing gentlemen that I ended up running quite a lot of the way. First pitstop I just flew past, yes I wrote flew because that’s how I felt. I started feeling strong even though my calves felt so bad with all the climbing and more to come. All the way to the third pitstop I went alone, and then I got company from Ke, the only other international runner. And we went together all the way to the last pitstop which was really nice. Huge thank you to him!IMG_8185

And then I got lost again, at least not only me! It might have been the most beautiful place in the world to get lost though, felt like a mountain goat trying to get forward through this thick wild rose spike bush hill. That was the moment I realized why the organizer wrote in the info that we should wear long pants or socks, obviously I didn’t. Bruised summer legs FTW! Thank you to that super nice gentleman to picked me over an electric fence when we realized that we are in a “bit” wrong side of it. I think after that I really started racing, no idea why, but I was going like I’ve never done before.

I was running with these nice gentlemen and thinking am I able to keep up with them, but ended up saying to myself that just keep going, you got this. And I just kept going, and started feeling stronger and stronger, which felt, to be honest, really weird. I wasn’t expecting that to happen after almost 30km. And my mind clearing from everything, it was just silent, maybe that’s runners high, no idea, but it was so nice. Silence of all the doubts that I’m so used to.

Never not time for new friends :)

Never not time for new friends 🙂

After pitstop 4 I called to my friend just to know if I could see him soon, and the idea of seeing him in some time made me just push on. And in silence we ran next to each other with Ke. The rhythm of our steps felt really good. And I just felt so strong. My belly felt super good, no problems at all.

IMG_8208

This is how happy you look when seeing your friend at around 35km 🙂

And then I saw my friend, the joy in me was just bursting, a hug at that point felt crazy good!

After that I felt like I’ve never felt before, I started racing for the first time in my life. I was tired and hurting a bit but I just put those on the side and kept going. The next time I saw my friend he was blasting this song from his car and let me tell you, that stuff gives you the biggest boost, even when the song is ridiculous but it made me smile so big that I didn’t know that it’s possible. And I just did my pitstops super fast and kept going with Ke. That was a huge change to my last Ultra in Bornholm, where I had to sit down and really gather some strength in myself. Now I felt like Sally Mcrae looked at last years Western States. She’s pretty great motivator on a race, I noticed, even if it’s in my mind.

I think I really started thinking that I could do a time that I had in mind in Bornholm when I got to the 42,2km pitstop. I had something like 15km to go, so I wasn’t that sure if I could do it. Not before I got to the last pitstop and heard that I have little over an hour to do a 10km. I have no idea what happened, I just charged on and left my race running buddy behind. I just went for it. I kept saying to myself that you got this, yes it will hurt but you can do it easy! Kept thinking about Sally Mcrae and just pushing on. I’ve never in my life felt that strong, ever. I’ve never pushed myself like that in my life. It felt terrible at times, my body was so tired from the heat and the fact that I had run more than ever before, continuously, in my life. But I just kept going, no matter how it felt, because I’d decided that I will get under that time. At one point I remember thinking that it’s not that bad if I can’t make that, and also remember how I almost yelled at myself that you’re not fucking doing that shit now! I was so determined! I actually used anger as my fuel, never done that before either.

Around 35km :)

Around 35km 🙂

Once I saw that I have 1km to go, I picked up my pace, which just felt so bad but still. Saw this man and just yelled at him that am I far? His answer was the best thing at that point, I just had to push on a little more and then I’m there. And that last bit was the hardest I’ve ever done and it felt like the longest road ever. That moment when I saw my friend and he said where I need to go and ran next to me and said that I’m getting under my goal, that’s my favorite. I started pushing myself even more, just wanted to get there and get it done.

The moment I got to the finish was insane, I felt like my legs are going to give up and it took me quite some time to get myself breathing at least a bit normal. And that was the moment when I realized that I did what I wanted for the last 15km. I had managed to run my race under 7 hours 30min. That meant for me that I had done over 2 and half hours better than in Bornholm.

It also meant that I was the Female Winner in my distance, and 3rd overall in it too. And my official time was 7:27!IMG_8210

I still, couple of days afterwards, feel a bit surreal about this all. I’ve never been like I was during that race. I’ve never raced in my life. I was mentally so strong, so goddamned strong. I managed to do something that I never thought I could really do. Maybe that was the moment what I knew when I started running in the first place, that I would be good at running long. Now I knew that I could be good at exactly that, if I give myself a chance. I’ve never really gave myself the chance to show what I really have inside of me. I’m so humbled by the race. It showed me that me, that I’ve wanted to believe is inside of me. I was able to just run, which I wanted to do. Because in the end, it’s just running. Something I kept saying to myself during the day. I’m also finally giving myself some credit for something I really should. I am really proud of myself, I really am. I remembered to enjoy it all and have fun and even stop if something was that amazing. And I could not done it without my friend, just the fact that someone was there for me, is insanely important. The fact that he knew how to make me smile and said just the right things to make me believe in myself more. That’s priceless! Thank you so much for that! ❤

I think I learned pretty big lesson of myself during that race. I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. I’ve gone through so much in the last year, that where I am now and what I am able to do, is pretty amazing! While I type those words I feel like I’m talking about someone else, but I just have to own this all. Because I did it!

Thank you so much to my support extraordinaire Bjørn, without you it would have been boring and very hard day at the office! Thank you to all my family and friends for your words and support! Thank you to my sponsors! I hope I made all of you as proud as I’m trying to be here :).

PMA ❤IMG_8192

Feeling Myself – Body Positive Post

Yeah, that's me. Few tattoos less but all me.  Photo Joni Helminen

Yeah, that’s me. Few tattoos less but all me.
Photo Joni Helminen

Body positive. Feeling myself. All the self love. Being proud of who you are and loving it all.

That is definitely happening in my life these days. For few months my confidence about myself and especially about my body has just soared, like it has been kept secret and all of sudden I’m allowed to let it all out. I’ve never felt this good about carrying myself when I’m out and about. When I see myself these days on the mirror or a window or whatever, I look at myself and I am genuinely proud. Usually I even say to myself that I look damn fine. Something I should’ve done for so long, but better now than never.

As women, we are supposed to be crazy sexy and this and that all the time, but at the same time we aren’t supposed to be happy with who we are. We shouldn’t be happy with our bodies, because we’ve been told for most of our lives that we aren’t enough and we should be skinnier and have bigger boobs or whatever comes next. I’ve definitely gone through all the changes with myself and still always felt that I’m just not enough. But that fight is finally over. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s the change in myself, maybe it’s all the life experience that I have behind me. Whatever it is, it’s over.

I’m finally happy and proud of my body and who I have inside of it. Damn I love the confidence I carry now. I’m not perfect, and I love that. I feel the sexiest when I’m me. And that’s probably the biggest compliment ever in my life.

Today when I was walking in the city, here in Copenhagen, I was just blown away by the attention I got from guys. Seriously, I’m not used to stuff like that. As someone whose from Finland, where people don’t really go all out on the compliments, this is new to me. Or the other end that I got in Germany, those nasty catcalls and any sexual harassment choices you can think of, that only made me feel unsafe. So when my experiences are something like that, getting nice smiles, looks that are almost appreciative, genuine nice compliments feels pretty damn nice. They boost the confidence I had about myself. Which is the best way to take them. I don’t need them to make me feel confident and sexy, because I feel pretty hot anyways, but they sure make me feel nice.

My body has gone through so much over the years that the fact that I am happy with what I have now, is a miracle. But I’ve found who I am through it all. I don’t need to dress sexy to feel sexy. For example today, I was wearing basic white t-shirt, blue jeans and Blundstone boots, wouldn’t say first that those make you get all the boys to the yard. BUT, this is the thing, I felt damn good in them. I felt that I can conquer the world. I was wearing something that made me feel like me and confident.

And this is a great example that less is more, as in wear what makes you feel confident. Not wear less clothes, or if that makes you feel confident do that. Because we all have different ways to feel confident. But do the thing that really feels good to you.

One of the best feelings in the world is when you just feel yourself and that might come with age, but damn I’m loving it all. When you can just say that I look damn fine and mean it and be proud of it all. You might sound like you’re bragging, I don’t care. Be goddamn proud if you feel like that. IMG_8050

Once I said to myself that I am okay with little extra on my booty and thighs, and that my boobs aren’t as they were before, and that you can see the life I’ve lived on my skin, my life got so much better. Seriously, the moment I accepted who I am. Once I stopped saying that there’s something wrong with me, damn life got better. I want to look and feel real. I want to be strong in and out. I want to be proud of all the hard work I put in and what you can see on my body. I never want to see too skinny, because that’s not me. I want to have a little junk in the trunk, because that makes me feel sexy. I want to be able to sway my ass when I walk and feel feminine. And of course I want to be able to shake that junk on the dance floor.

I love that I have friends who are genuinely proud of their bodies just like they are. Damn we are hot! I get so much power from those ladies, celebrating their gorgeous bodies, in their own ways and in so different bodies. All in all, we all should be proud of what we have. We should accept that perfect is not what we should be, but be real. Real is always better than what you’re not.

My definition of sexy is very different than someone else’s but that’s the beauty of it, we are different and that’s what we should be. I might be wearing the simplest things but if I feel damn hot in them, it shows. It’s that bit of a mystery that makes it all more sexy, in my mind at least.

When you are okay with yourself, with all your imperfections and scars, world just becomes so much better. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never have ugly days or days when you feel like shit, that is normal but if the majority of time you love yourself, you’ll be on the right track.

And couple important things I’ve learned the last couple of years. First, if you’re not happy with something, change it, do not complain about it but are not willing to do anything. Second, when you change, it doesn’t mean that your closest people will see it and say something, so do not expect that boost coming from outside, it has to come from yourself first. If you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t be happy. Point blank.

Things that make me feel sexy in my body: my strong muscular legs, my soft and round booty and hips, my waist that has found it’s shape and is feminine, my small breasts, my wide and warrior like shoulders, my strong jawline and high cheekbones, my crazy blue eyes, my thick hair and my teeth gap.

Things that I’ve learned to do with my body and make me feel confident and sexy: I’ve studied my body and it’s curves and lines and learned how to use them, I’ve danced so much that I’ve learned how to use my body how I want to, I’ve done so many different physical things with my body that I know what it can do and how much it endures, the fact that I am able to do things that many will never even think about makes me feel pretty damn hot, I’ve looked at myself naked so much that I’ve seen myself in many different weights and changes, but ended up being happy with the skin I live in.

I also started doing this thing couple of years ago, and it really works. Every day, when you see yourself in the mirror, always say something nice about yourself to yourself. Preferably out loud. Say I love you. You look good girl. I’m proud of you. Whatever it would be, say it, be proud of yourself and say positive things to yourself and you’ll start seeing yourself in a more positive way. Remember what you think and say to yourself, you become and feel, and your body will believe just that. If it’s negative you will feel shitty and carry the pain in you, and your body will react in that way. If it’s positive, you will feel good and your body will thank you with ability to do what you want.

“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.” – Epiphany

When I end my posts with the letters PMA, I mean them. I actually have them tattooed on my arm. The funny thing is that I got them when I was very far from being and living that, Positive Mental Attitude. Maybe it was a sign that one day I’ll learn the meaning of them. I definitely have. What it means for me is just that, trying to have a positive attitude to everything in life, take those bad and shitty days and moments with an attitude of gratitude and learn from them all. All that comes back to how I see myself and my body. I would not be able to see myself like I do these days without my whole mindset changing. It’s impossible. We are a whole thing, not one part good and others bad.

As a woman, as a big sister, I want to be an example to others and younger girls that being who we are is so powerful. I want to show that being honest and raw and real are so amazing. That mistakes and scars are the thing that makes us beautiful. That sex and being sexy is so much more than being naked and in tiny clothes. That being a bit different is so good. And smile is always the best accessory to carry with.

So all in all, attention from guys is a nice bonus, but not the definition of who I am or how hot I feel I am. That all needs to come from myself, I need to see myself in that way and then others see it too.

Let’s be proud of what we have, all that we have. Don’t ever let someone make you feel like the real you is bad! Let’s celebrate our differences. Let’s celebrate our curves, our skinny sisters, all the shapes and sizes there is. We all are equally beautiful! Who run the world, GIRLS! ❤

PMA ❤

The Power Of Self Love And Setting Personal Boundaries

IMG_7584Sometimes it takes a span of 10 years, sometimes couple of odd days, and BOOM you just see yourself in a way that you haven’t ever before!

If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that it’s been a bit of a struggle at times for me to see me in a positive and supportive way. We all have issues, in our body or mind, that bothers us. Mostly they are useless bullshit, to be honest. If we feel shitty about ourselves, it’s usually just some deep rooted insecurity that tries to kick our butts in believing that we suck… Well, I think it’s time to kick those insecurities in realizing that we are amazing and rock!

Once I realized in my own life that when I set boundaries in how I let people get to me, this huge burden and weight just lifted from my shoulders and heart. So wait, I could actually decide who I have in my life and how I react to what they have to say?! Yeah, we all do! And that stuff is powerful!

When you go through and work towards bettering yourself, it’s pretty crucial that you in all rough honesty, delete those negative people and surroundings from your life. If you don’t, they will keep you from moving forward with their age old doubting and negative burden on your life. But that moment when you say “hell to the NO to this” you are setting yourself free from it all.

It might mean that you loose a lot of people that you have been thinking are your friends, but trust me when I say, being alone or feeling more alone for a bit is so rewarding when those real and genuinely good people start coming to your life. Because you are shining that positive light so hard that you attract the right people. It also means that some people do not like the new you at all, I’ve been there. You might lose that relationship that you thought is the ONE. But in the same time, we don’t have that much time on this planet and I want to live this life of mine to the fullest these days, risks and all. I will love the heck out of this!

So how you set those boundaries? Basically simply not being with those people, yeah easier said than done, especially if they’ve been in your life for a long time. I know it’s hard because being a people pleaser myself, I’ve been really struggling on how to be happy with my alone self. But then again, being alone felt better than being with people that in the end made me feel like shit.

The saying that we should surround ourselves with people who push us and support us and are positive influence in our life, is so true! You do not deserve anything else than the best, who ever you are, so why not be that to yourself?

But we have to be able to be honest to ourselves and say that this is what I am okay with and this is not. Before you set those boundaries to yourself, it’s pretty hard to set them for others. So what do You want? Who You are? What do You want from your life? What are Your dreams and goals? Write them down, and see how far or close you might be. Once you start demanding better from yourself, it will be easier for you from others too.

Stand up for what is important to you.

Let me tell what I had to do… I have always been a person who puts others before me, so obviously my depression was always there. Once I said that I am the one I need to put first, things started to change. Once I said that I want to be happy and if that means that I need to stand up for myself and say all those insanely scary things to few people who just walk over me constantly and use my kindness to push their own insecurities, it was so worth it! Being really alone but true to myself for some time has been the best thing ever in my life!

It’s not some mandatory deal in life, that we need to take other peoples shit because we are nice and good to them. NO! It took me quite long to really understand that there is healthy selfishness and just being a dick and selfish. And learning how to be good to myself first and be that healthy selfish is hard, but so amazing!

And that and loving who you are goes so much hand in hand. Once you are true to yourself, you love yourself and you are able to keep those boundaries. But you’re also able to be around those negative people if you have to, because you know what are your limits. You’re able to stay calm even when others are going all out around you.

So to that self love part, like I said, they go hand in hand with setting boundaries. Once I decided that this is all me, and no one else should get to decide what I do and don’t with my body, hair, whatever, I started loving myself so hard. Seeing myself in a really beautiful way from a mirror. Accepting all not just the “nice” things, all! There’s nothing wrong with me and I just wanted to stop fighting that. So I did.IMG_7620

People who makes us feel other than we should, can be the one in our relationship, our parents or our friends, or who ever you spend time with. But if they are bringing you down and keeping you from going forward with what you want from your life, it’s time to say those hard things and set yourself free.

If you want to have tattoos, do it, don’t let yourself not have them because what would my parents say… I’ve done that. But it’s my skin and if they make me feel good, I need to listen to that voice in me and say that this is me, all me.

If you want to look like a gym lady with visible muscles and feel strong and sexy through it, do it!

If you want to run so much that you smile like an idiot, DO IT!

If you are about that push them boundaries life and jump to unknown in your heart, DO IT!

I can assure you to the max and beyond that once you are true to yourself, things just start dropping to their right spots. Take those risks and see how happy you could be. Take the exact risk of giving yourself the chance to be happy! It’s not easy but oh oh oh it’s so worth it!

I was basically dead for my twenties and finally woke up to this all when I was just shy of turning thirty. I have lost a lot, lot of people that I thought that I need in my life, a lot of “what if’s”. But I’ve gained so much, I love myself so much, I see myself in this strong, sexy and confident woman who is capable of anything, and I know that me being honest to myself and others have only brought the best in my life, so I will keep on doing exactly that. And believe me, I am scared shitless at times, I really am, but I know now that it’s not worth looking back if it hasn’t worked before. I rather take the risk than think afterwards that damn what if I would’ve done this and that. I’m too old for what if’s. I have so much to take in from this amazing life of mine, and I will do all that I can. Enjoy every moment, even the bad ones.

I don’t want to die young like some people do, and to be clear here, I mean die young because they don’t follow their own fire. I was like that for too many years, no interest in that anymore, I’m worth so much more!

So, write down what YOU want. Tell yourself all the positives when you look yourself in the mirror. Stop fighting what you truly are and give yourself a chance to be all you are!

 

PMA ❤ IMG_7608