Scars That Don’t Want To Heal

471567_10150877147547726_1778206004_oWe’re always evolving, growing. But certain scars take a lot longer to heal than others. Some moments in our past have gone so deep in our soul that it’s almost impossible to be free from them completely. What to do to those scars that don’t want to heal.

There’s huge contradiction between old and new, scars and newly shed skin, having closure and letting go and missing closure and not finding your freedom.

While my past haunts me at times and reminds me of how broken and torn my soul still is, I’m still human and thankful of that exact thing. Moving on and past things that have been so traumatizing, is not easy and especially when you actually want to deal them and not just forget and move on. But there are days when it all feels a bit too much and you doubt your whole being, with thoughts that just don’t make any sense. Like why this is happening to me and did I do something so wrong that I’m paying for my own karma now? Why someone deserves happiness and I don’t? Why someone’s life is so filled with love and I’m here mending my soul?

All of these thoughts make me feel really confused as I have more love in my life these days than ever before. Why some little thing can throw you completely off your course? How you can feel so loved and so alone at the same time? But I think deep down we all yearn to be loved by that one special, even when we know that we’re not alone and are so very loved by our friends and family. And admitting to yourself that you are nowhere close to being ready for any relationship with that special kind of love, because you don’t want to have any old issues when you enter something new, is hard when you feel lonely.

We’re so used to judging others and how they live their lives these days that we forget how big of an impact we’re able to do to someones life with just a simple little joke or comment. Everything is so public that it seems that it’s all free for whatever comes to our minds. And when someone is actually private and keeps their business to themselves we get confused and judge even more.

But at the same time, those people who are honest and brave with who they are and what they are going through, are the biggest inspirations to me. They truly wear their heart on their sleeve, like I feel that I am doing. Maybe I’m opening the door for people to judge me, but I would not want to live my life any other way. This is who I am and I’ve been hiding myself majority of my life and have no interest in doing so anymore. That probably will piss some people off, which is okay to me too, but please keep your judgement and comments to yourself, because in the end of the day they only tell me how you feel about yourself not me.

It’s human to feel hurt and in pain, and it’s human to feel anger towards someone who’s done you wrong. But it’s also very damn human to be able to feel happy for those who have hurt you if they seem happy. To me that shows that I have grown so much and don’t need to keep that pain of hatred in me anymore, but I also don’t need to understand why they did what they did. I forgive but certain things are harder to forget, though at the same time those experiences made me who I am and without them I would not know what I truly deserve and what I definitely don’t. So my intention is to be thankful for all, no matter how damn hard it feels some days.

It’s terrifying how we can hurt each other and how deep scars we can leave behind. The more you talk to and with people there’s this sadness of people treating each other so poorly, puking their own pain and scars to those who love them the most. It all makes it so much harder to trust in love and good, even when you have it in your life through your friends and family, but the void someone has left in you can suffocate the good of others. When someone destroys your soul with their carelessness, it kills the joy in you and you yearn freedom from that weight so bad.

“Freedom! Freedom! I can’t move
Freedom, cut me loose!
Yeah, freedom! Freedom! Where are you?
Cause I need freedom too!
I break chains all by myself
Won’t let my freedom rot in hell
Hey! I’ma keep running
Cause a winner don’t quit on themselves”

Beyonce – Freedom 

No one knows what lies behind the smile that is on my face, no one has the right to judge my why’s, no one who doesn’t know what I’ve been through has the right to doubt my strength and my decisions.

I’m who I am because of my past, I’m proud of myself exactly because of that. I’ve worked so damn hard. I’ve loved even harder and gotten so gut wrenching broken that I wonder to myself how I’m still standing, but I am. Deep in me I know and believe that I deserve love and good in my life, even though how much there’s reasons to doubt that. I have the right to get mad and be honest and open, that is what makes me so damn strong! I smile so wide because of this all, my laughter comes from the deepest depths of my soul because I’ve been hurt so bad. I respect and appreciate my struggle and march in the rhythm of my own drum. And for damn sure, I will love as much I have until now, but I’m not interest in anyone’s half ass attempts of using my time. I deserve better than that!

LOVE. ALWAYS LOVE. PMA. ❤

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Letting Go 2015 Like An Old Lover. Welcoming 2016 Like The Me I Am Now

img_2816“I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I AM MYSELF.” ❤

Until 2015, I feel like I’ve only lived for others. I started my journey to Me in 2015, but fell for my old habits and forgot how and who I am. This is almost like my manifesto to myself, in the most honest way possible.

2015 has been all about finding and learning who I am and what I want, who I truly am under all that fear of myself. It has been about heartbreak, love, pain, confusion, finding myself, conquering my fears, going after my goals for the first time ever, freedom, learning to love the skin I’m in and saying goodbye to people and habits I’ve outgrown or who are bad for me and my life.

I also made myself do a list of who I am. I am strong, passionate, talented, caring, special, loving, artistic, capable, beautiful, creative, loyal, trustworthy, sexy, warrior, deserving, enough, open, honest, brave, sucker for love, supporting. I know I am more than those but giving who I am and how hard making a list like that is, I am very proud of myself for getting those down. 

For the past week I’ve gone through the whole year over with myself, really pushed myself to deal certain things, to let go of others and forgive the ones that feel that hardest. I knew that I needed to do that, to be alone even though all of sudden it felt so scary, the one thing I usually enjoy too much. I knew that my broken self can still be whole in front of certain people, my brokenness doesn’t mean that I’m not okay, it means I’m strong enough to admit certain things to myself and give myself the push I need to deal and let go of them. Without the heartbreaks of 2015, I would not have woken up to the Me I really am. In 2015 I learned who I am as a woman, learned what that means, entails, empowers me and others, what I deserve and can say No to!

There’s moments when I realize things about myself and I need to write them down, this was one of them: You’re not any readier than they are to love again, so don’t push them and most of all, do not push yourself.

I know that these aren’t the things that we should be open and honest about, because at times it feels that we need to be all about slaying all and be good with ourselves, but letting go of a love that you had for someone, whether they hurt you or not, is HARD, whether you know the decision to be right. In short that shit hurts, because there’s people who take a bit more of your heart than you ever expected to happen. And even though I know that it’s the right thing to be alone now, my whole being rebels against that, not all the time but there are moments.

I’m one of those who fall hard, I love hard, I believe in the good of others hard with the notion that I might get hurt hard. I tend to open my heart in a way that it’s super easy to rip it open if you don’t respect the openness of it. I don’t second guess my gut feeling about how I feel about someone and how I see the good in them, even if they don’t see it themselves.

The love I wish to give and have is who I am, open and honest. I am tired of hiding or filtering my love and feelings in general. I’ve done that for most of my life. I want to be able to show my love and not have to think about if it’s okay. I wish to have that kind of love in return as well. A love that looks like that person who is proud to have my kind of love without wanting to push it down or me being someone else I am. No more filtering love.

I think I’ve finally stopped apologizing how and who I am. That was one big thing I learned in 2015. This is who I am, whether you like me or not, this is Me. In 2016 I want to truly be brave and let myself be Me, all of Me. To get to know that Me that I am, but have been hiding from myself.

” Be a better You, for You.”

– Sonya Teclai

There’s certain things that make you, force you to realize that you won’t be here forever. You look at your body and how it has changed, you know that it doesn’t work the same way it did couple of years ago. You look at your skin and how there’s lines that weren’t there maybe a week ago, but in the same time they make you look so much more beautiful. They show the life you’ve lived, the pain you’ve cried through, the smiles you’ve smiled with cheeks in pain. Growing up and older can be scary, but I’ve decided to at least try to embrace the journey of it all.

You feel the pressure of doing things you want to do before it’s too late, but at the same time you don’t want to rush through life, you want to really enjoy the moments.

You want to be true and honest with and to yourself, while being so confused with that all in the midst of feeling exactly certain who that is.

You want to take risks to be sure that you live but at the same time want to be in control of what happens when you take those risks. How to trust the jump when you have no certainty in what will come after you jump.

“I tell you what freedom is. No fear!”

– Nina Simone

How to balance those things you have raging in you. How to be happy with being alone when people around you are so far from that exact thing. How to be those two you’s that you are, how to live as one with them both. How to be that outdoorsy, less is more person and that ambitious, brave career woman who wants to be great at what she does. But isn’t it a balance that the other needs from the other? That is something I will tackle now. Learn how to make those equally good in me that I am in peace. Right now it feels a bit like I have to choose, but then it would mean that I need to choose one from two passions of mine and I’m not ready or willing to do anything like that. I don’t feel that I need to.

I remember how I said almost a year ago how I feel that my life just started for the first time, now more than ever I feel that, really feel it hard. I feel how fast time moves on but I want to forget rushing through it all. I want to forget the lure of being in a hurry. I can be and will be the best Me I can when I respect the both sides of me. I need to be, for myself, patient in what I’ve wished for my life to be earlier, when I realize that it’s exactly that now. Like I wrote before, watch what you wish for…

I don’t want to do any resolutions for 2016. I want to be able to listen to myself on a daily basis and really take the moments I have without hurry. I want to keep being honest about how I feel, especially if someone feels special to me, we don’t have enough time to not say those things, even if we don’t get anything back. I want to be patient and gentler to myself, more mercy. Past is past for a reason. Now is now for even bigger reason. Live in the now, not past or future, now. That’s my Note To Self.

MORE LOVE. MORE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. MORE SPONTANOUS ADVENTURES. MORE HONESTY AND BEING OPEN. MORE RESPECT TO ONE ANOTHER. MORE BRAVE ME AND MORE PMA ❤

 

 

 

Learning To Let Go

IMG_0732“Sometimes you have to experience what you don’t want in life to come to a full understanding of what you do want.”

-Mandy Hale

I feel like the past year has been all about me learning to let go of what I thought belonged in my life and was part of it. It is a bitter sweet moment when you realize and just let go.

My kindness has always been the thing that has been holding me back, I’ve gotten knife to my back because of it, I’ve been used so much that it still wonders how people treat each other like that. It’s been almost like a bad thing to be as nice as I have. Something you would think is a good thing to have in you. But I didn’t have limits with my kindness. Until now.

The quote in the beginning of this post really describes my life well for the past month. I needed to be shocked out of my spot to a place I’ve never been before. I needed to get so disgusted and angry that I just “dropped the mic” and let go.

We all have relationships that makes us really open our eyes, whether they are friendships or loveships. I’ve had quite a few of that caliber this year. Good and bad, the ones that really make me think what I want and don’t want to have in my life. And once I realized that I am the one who gets to choose if those are in my life or not, winning!

I’ve always had my insecurities about people liking me, still have at times, which has made me do things and tolerate behavior that I really shouldn’t have. I’m not mad at myself for doing that over and over again, but I am tired of people being like that, to the extend of just almost deleting them from my life.

When you’ve always been a bit unsure of yourself and through that of the fact if people like you, being a people pleaser when you really should not… It’s incredibly hard to change your ways. And once I finally got tired enough, it’s been a like this huge mountain was lifted off my shoulders.

I’ve always also been really bad at being mad, for a reason, to people that has hurt me. And really said that to them. I’ve done that the first time this year really. Crazy hard, but very good for ones soul. And I don’t mean going all out crazy to someone, I mean saying things in a way that is clear and calm, explaining how you feel the other one made you feel. The closure is very needed in those situations but what if you don’t get it? I’ve come to realize this summer that it’s pretty often when there’s no closure, no way of talking things out, saying those things. And that was the moment when I learned really to make peace with the thing and let it go, for my own happiness.

“A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people. It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do.”

-Lisa Kleypas

I tend to always believe the best out of everyone, a side of me I still wouldn’t want to change, even if it ends up being the worst side of me too. I’ve always wanted to trust people, with the result of me being surprised by how badly people treat each other. I always, always, have loved people so much that I end up getting hurt, because I don’t want to believe that they would do something they’ve done to me.

These days I am more and more selective of the people I really let close. I surround myself with positive and good people, without forgetting to be nice to all I meet. I have no interest in turning bitter or jealous or anything. I don’t need to understand what or why someone does what they do, but I still can be respectful and nice to them.

Once you start to see yourself as what you really are, damn, you start feeling so strong. When I know that I haven’t done anything wrong, I can walk away from a situation with my head held high and let it go. I don’t have to think about it too much afterwards and stress about it, like I’ve done in my past.

I feel like my womanhood has really started with a bang this past month. I’ve shed my skin and walked out of the old me for good. I am proud of the person I am now, I know what I deserve and what I am willing to take from others. I also know that there’s nothing wrong with how I love and feel so strongly about everything. Through all that I’ve learned to accept who I am and have a calmer mind.

I know, or believe that one day someone won’t be afraid of me and will accept me in a way that I wish they would. That I am able to love them and share all in a way I should be able to, not hide anything. Less filters to this life and more honesty, communication and love, it’s not actually that hard. Basically, if you want to know something, it’s always easier to ask. 🙂

“Loving you, supporting you, believing in you always.”

PMA ❤

ARGH! Doubt Is Trying To Kill My Vibe

This is exactly how Ukko would look at me if he would be next to me.

This is exactly how Ukko would look at me if he would be next to me.

Serious ARGH!!

Today has been all about being grateful and proud and happy and all that good good. Even with a flu lingering in the back. Basically today has been great, with great news and those old fears crossed from the list.

And what is happening now, or the past couple of hours… I’m in this panicky anxious doubt mode. Like that makes any sense! None whatsoever! But still it’s here.

And yes, it’s here because things are actually been good and there’s great things in my life at the moment. But for some reason the way my head works, the remains of the old me, is that when things are good and I should be overjoyed about life, I start doubting everything.

The past few days have been just about taking those steps forward, stepping over those old fears and doubts. Applying for that job that would be such a dream, getting your piece published in a great magazine, moving forward with things that I have been planning and dreaming about. So what do I do then, panic. Because that almost makes sense.

I’m pretty shitty at giving myself credit for the fact that I’m moving countries soon again, not moving to a new apartment in the familiar place I’ve been living for some time, no, actually moving to another country, again.

To be honest, I’m scared shitless. Like really scared.

What if this all won’t work this time either? What if I believe in things that just aren’t meant to be?

Since the Ultra, I’ve been so open, like an open wound. Promised to myself that this is the way I want to live my life, be true and real with all my fears and feelings. All the good and bad. And for the first time, I’ve actually done that, not just mean to do. But that also means that if I felt all things before big, now I am in some wow level. And the funny thing is that most of the time I’m really calm and don’t feel at all that I need to go to this old panic mode, but today it caught me totally off guard. It’s the what if’s.

I really feel like I started a new book, empty and clean, when I finished that Ultra, but this all is so unknown and scary. And there comes moments when I feel so damn lonely. They are small moments of fear. It’s that huge hole of anxiousness inside of me, that is only the old me trying to get the better of me. And I just have to fight this through and show again to myself that I’m not that anymore. And it’s not like I’ll always have good days all the way, with no dips. That would be terrible.

I feel like I’m this raw thing now, with only one way to do things, the way that scares me but makes me push on anyways. I hate that notion, that I can’t give up anymore. Like it would be so easy, hah, that would actually be the hardest thing. To give up when you know that you’re not that person anymore.

I know that I have to let myself feel this all, but this shit is so uncomfortable, it almost makes you itch. And with a tiny hint of flu, I can’t just go and run this out. I actually have to just deal with it and feel all of it. Which I should be good at, feeling all of the feelings, because I’ve always done that to the max. But I also have to remind myself that this is a thing I can’t control, sometimes I just have to let go and feel it all.

I’ve been listening a lot of Mikky Ekko the past couple of days, he has this song on his new album called “Watch Me Rise”. And it was this powersong today for me, like really, almost sing out loud outside while walking home from the train kind of song. And now, after getting some good old tough love from a dear friend, I was listening to it again, and it really reminded me of where I am now in my life.

There’s this part in the lyrics that really hit me hard now…

“Now paranoia’s setting in and I’m falling from these stars again
While every part of me screams, “hold on”
Cause if you can’t learn to bend then you break
Oh my God, how long does it take?
Every lesson we learned took so long
But it made us strong”

This all that I’m going through in my life at the moment, is not supposed to be that easy. I am doing really big things to change my life better, which can be terrifying at times. But it will be worth it, that’s what I need to keep saying to myself as long I believe it again. And remind myself of all the things that’s already happened and actually today! TODAY!

So note to self, feel it all, let yourself be scared but don’t let it take over the whole situation. If this all would be easy, everybody would move countries all the time and followed their dreams like nothing. These are big things, give yourself some bloody credit for this all, at least sometimes! You are amazing, strong and courageous! So keep doing what you’ve done, because it’s working! So hold on and love with all you are, like you have! ❤

PMA ❤

From Slow and Luscious to Strong and Luscious

IMG_7533Something changed in me during that Ultra of mine, yes a lot but one thing that is very particular.

It was the first time in my life that I had this tiny spark waking up in me. That spark that wants to better myself and is really willing to put myself on that edge and over my comfort zone. I actually want to be good at Ultras and trail running, not just do it solely for my own fun.

I’ve never really been too much in to pushing myself over that line. I think in the end I’ve always been afraid what is really in me, if I work harder for it. Yeah, that good old fear…

But if I was able to finish that race, I am able to push myself in my running. If I didn’t give up there, why would I give up now that I’m already on my way to bettering myself? It would not make any sense.

So I knew even during the race that what I need to change and do from now on. I have little over two months to go to my next Ultra, same distance 58km, on an island too. So I know what I want and need to improve in my body, mind feels ready and just need to be kept on that strong level it is now.

I’ve contacted a coach for my running, already have a personal trainer for the gym work, and am talking about a better race nutrition. So I’m really taking the steps to the right direction.

This is a test for myself to see how dedicated I am, I know I have it in me, but I just need to really show it too. Inside of myself I know that I have what it takes to be actually good in this Ultra running. I might never be the fastest but I have guts and the mental side and with training and hard work my pace will increase too.

I’ve never really been too competitive but something woke in me during that race, my own potential probably. I saw who I really am, not someone anymore who just wants things but isn’t willing to really work for them. And I knew that I had a plan on how to train for that race too, but I really didn’t follow through, so with this new mentality and headspace I feel that I have a new chance, and I really want to show myself how hard I can work.

And I can only go forward and maybe it was a good thing that my first official Ultra took me that long. I know that I am able to get better from that. And after todays hill repeats, I actually feel that this will work, yes! 🙂

So Ultra Project “From Slow and Luscious to Strong and Luscious” has began!

PMA ❤IMG_7534