Guilt Trip Game

received_2290259371213480.jpegWhy do we do it? Is it a mainly female thing or do guys do it too to themselves? Why on earth we guilt trip our minds to the point of it affecting every aspect of our lives? I’m very much confused and tired as hell of this ingrown guilt trip game my head seems to love. Especially if I feel a touch down and out, oh it loves to sink it’s claws on me then, and hard.

But seriously, is this guilt trip thing something us ladies only do. Are guys able to always be confident in themselves and just move a long with their lives? Because sometimes it really feels like it.

I was sick with a weird combination of fever and migraine this past week and in those days when I wasn’t sleeping, I was in my thinking thoughts like I tend to  be quite a bit. But one thing that came back all the time was this guilt of not being enough at work, feeling and knowing I hadn’t done my best. And the worst part of it was and is, that it’s been this on going struggle this Spring. I’ve somehow let my outside work life affect my ability to be my best at my job. It’s annoying on so many levels, but especially as I know how easy it would for me to better my performance. But I’ve been in some stuck, I can’t do shit mode in my head, and I haven’t found a way out of there. And is there anything better than the feeling that you’re failing your own expectations and most likely of your boss. Obviously, as with my personality this could sound like I’m expecting too much of myself, but I can promise you that this time it’s not the case. I’ve just purely been shit.

And with that, you get easily caught up in this self shame and guilt trip cycle, that is definitely not helping. For that I have the best kind of personality. Period.

But in those sick days of mine, I had time to think why I keep doing that to myself. And what it is in the end that let’s me sink in that hole that deep. Point blank it’s my insecurities. My fear of success. Things I wrote about a week ago. But the other side of it is the question of “why still?”. It’s not like I’ve never worked on these issues. It’s not like I don’t know that I’m pretty damn far from who I’ve been in my past. So why on earth it’s so hard for me to let go, truly let go, of the past and move on with my life. Giving myself a chance I truly deserve. Why and what is so scary about it all?

Since I was a kid, I’ve been real good at limiting my happiness. Which sounds really weird for some of you. But I’ve been a deep thinker my whole life, and in a way too comfortable with my darker sides. It has it’s benefits but it also makes me feel certain things in a way that I really wouldn’t need to.

I’ve always chose the harder path on my journey, I could’ve easily, so easily done things that would’ve made this whole thing a bit more of a smooth ride. But nope. And there’s something about the fact that I had to grow up when others were getting to know themselves and figuring out who they are in this world. My learning process got flipped upside down and for way too many years of my life, I was always worried about someone or something. Usually what others thought of this or that about what I would want to do with my life. So most of the things I never did. Point blank.

Now I’m in this weird, very weird, age when you’re supposed to be a grown human, but I feel more child than I ever have before. Even when I actually were a kid, because back then I always felt more grown than my peers. And it’s messing with my head, big time. I feel like the things coming out of my mouth are super childish, the way I behave is too. I’m lost in this place that I don’t know how to navigate. I’ve lost my bearings and I don’t know how to get them back.

And the fact that I’ve always done things a bit harder on myself, does not help. I expect so much of myself, while knowing that they are impossible things to expect. I get so caught up in it all that I feel frozen and end up doing nothing at all. I was thinking my work career in general and how it has been for me. And I found that every time I’ve found something I might like and/or be good at, I dive head first and give my all and above and then after a while, I feel like I’m drowning and my performance is close to pure shit. It feels even worse when you actually really like the field you’re in and your place of work. But this time I know, for a fact, that I haven’t done my best, not even close. And it has been pissing me off big time, and it’s unfortunately been part of this bigger ball of “what the actual fuck are you doing with your life? do you think that giving up is still the option to go for? like could you please get a fucking grip of yourself because you are not doing any favors to anyone, and least yourself?”. Yes, I might be a bit hard on myself at times, but this time I know I have a reason to be. I can and will admit what I have been.

What I could do is to let myself sink in deeper into this hole of self loathing, shame and guilt tripping… But I could also face my own shit and fix it. If my own behavior is pissing ME off, then I’m more than the only one able to fix it. I still remember all too well what my ex said to me, one of the good ones, when I was complaining about something about myself. He said that could you please do something about that issue, or please do not bitch and moan about it all the time. The thing is that it’s not changing by talking about it, but it will if my behavior and work ethic about my whole damn life changes. I’m the only one who can do that. I’m still not able to change the past, but I am able to be better today and tomorrow. First to myself and by that to others. Because if I don’t want to hang with myself, why on earth would anyone else? And I have friends, amazing friends who support and love me no matter what. That’s new to me and it also confuses me. Because my head likes to spin things into “why would they want to be my friends? I don’t deserve that because I fucked up something that one time almost ten years ago, so I never deserve anything good in my life”.

I want to understand why it’s so damn hard for me to give myself the option to just be good. Why me having a life that feels good is so terrifying? Why I let the past have that kind of hold of me?

You know how it’s hard to see the work you’ve done, when you’re the closest to yourself. Well it’s really damn hard to really see how much has changed for the better in the past couple of years in my life. And now something idiotic in me is trying to ruin it all by being a dick, and mostly to others because I’m not being even half of what I could be. I’m not letting myself be what I could be is even closer to it.

I don’t know if my body decided to stop me in my tracks with that migraine/fever mix to finally really see the realities of my current life. I do believe our bodies are a lot smarter than we can ever be, so that might be the case. Because, for gods sake, I really have to stop feeling this damn sorry for myself, it’s just getting very old.  If I want to be better, I actually have to do better which means actual actions, not thoughts or talking about any of it. Because I really should know how talk is pure bullshit if you don’t deliver what you say.

This is a constant journey of working progress. Like my very smart friend reminded me. I know it, but why do I keep forgetting it, still?

Maybe me being open and vulnerable about myself again, is the way for me to keep myself accountable. Maybe I should do what I did before, when I decided and actually did change my life for the better. I’ve done it before, so it’s a bit tired and boring to try to be like I can’t do it now.

I apologize to those who I’ve been a bit a of tired dick to. To those who have been giving me a slack for my shitty work. I really am because if it bothers me this much I know for a fact that there’s a lot of room for improving. And all I can do is to actually improve what I do. I can’t be pissed off to others for their success if I’m not willing to do jackshit about my own. No more hiding. This is it.

I am enough. I deserve the good just like others. It’s okay to be me. And like the beautiful Nayyirah Waheed writes “What about this theory. The fear of not being enough, and the fear of being “too much”. Are exactly the same fear. The fear of being you.”

PMA ❤

My Piece “Sabotage” In The Newest Issue Of Like The Wind

When I started this blog, did I ever think that one day my writing would be on an actual magazine, like for real ink on paper magazine. Well that day is sooner than later, my piece about sabotaging your own success will be on the newest issue of this amazing running magazine, Like the Wind.

You can order yours here

I love the idea of the magazine, from runners to runners, real stories about it all. You should really check it out! 🙂

Hi fives to that!

Hi fives to that!

 

Sabotaging Success

IMG_5782Yesterday I realized something… Every time when things start to go better or I start to see results, I freak out and start sabotaging my own success.

And this last week has been all about that. All of sudden I have been eating whatever, like cheese and even fish?! Also, I’ve gone all out with my old flame, chips/crisps.

I’ve drowned myself with so many things that I have been overwhelmed in the most negative way of all the good new changes in my life. Why?!

Because I’m terrified of the actual change that I could be truly who I work hard and have dream of being.

When I look myself in the mirror, I still see this overweight girl that didn’t like herself at all. I like or more like love myself these days most of the time but when I look myself in the mirror this old me just keeps looking back. I do have moments when I see the real, now, me… but too rarely.

A week ago I saw this strong, powerful, beautiful me and all of sudden I got scared.

In my whole life, I’ve never looked, felt and loved myself in the way that I am getting really close to. Not liking myself and the change is like a security blanket that I know how to deal, but I don’t know how to deal with this new me.

The thing is that eating those things actually made me feel physically ill… So why?

Why I want to have that feeling again that my clothes are too tight, if I hate that the most and I just have gotten rid of that…

I think I’m testing myself, in that same way that sometimes we wrongly test the people we want to keep close to us, to see if they leave. I am doing that exact thing to myself, to see if I really love myself, if I really am all about those dreams that I have, if I would finally have the guts to be who I really am.

What I can say is that this is not easy, from 30 years I’ve been unhappy for easily 28. Not obviously 100% of that time but mostly. Or probably I was happier when I was a kid when I truly didn’t care if me being different was a problem, but I remember still how that made me really sad too.

So, this is what I could have now… Loving and healthy relationship with myself, pleasant and proud look when I look in the mirror, no belly aches, huge support system all over the world and amazing new opportunities to follow and make my dreams come true.

The reason why this scares me, I think, is that as a person with depression and all the down sizing that comes with it, has made me not allow myself to be happy or have good things or success in my life. I’m pretty sure that many people with depression know what I’m talking about. We are good at helping others and give them praises but when it comes to ourselves… not so much.

I really want to change my mindset with this. I don’t want to slowly but surely go back to the old me, because the new one is so much better!

I have to say to myself every day, “I can do this!” and I hope that I trust that and go forward in a better and stronger me!

PMA ❤