Hello My Name Is Mirka And…

Hello, my name is Mirka, and whenever I feel like my life is taking a step towards a direction I’ve wanted and I feel a success coming on, ALL my insecurities just jump out and try to make me feel like the tiniest and shittiest imaginable.

I would say that I suffer from the famous “sabotaging your success”, don’t worry it’s not contagious, but it’s very very real.

The thing is, and I’ve written about this before, I’m not wired in a way that I could just enjoy my life when things go well. I’m learning to not behave like this, as it’s not beneficial for myself in any way. But it’s so deeply ingrained in me that it’s very hard, and especially when I’m on the verge of new, something that I’ve wanted to have or do for some time.

I always these days tend to forget that I’ve moved from country to country with little to no plans, and done those things with fear in my belly but still done them. I don’t see myself as a brave person that much, I am proud of what I’ve done these days, but I don’t see those things as brave but that is just what they might be.

But, insecurities. Those motherfuckers, pardon my french. But that is truly what they are, doubters of the highest level.

The fact that I’ve always been a bit of a lone wolf and fairly sensitive might not help in my low moments that much. Obviously I’ve learned to harness those parts of me, like my anxiety and depression or my epilepsy. You find ways with the help of professionals that work with you to live your life to the fullest or at least plumpest.

But goddamn when a moment of true insecurity hits you to your core, you are at it’s mercy and can only ride that shit out.

These days I’ve also learned to say how I’m feeling to a friend or my poor Mom(thanks for always supporting me and giving me some much needed tough love <3). What I’ve found that does, is shake me from that ridiculous feeling those moments bring in me. Because the truth is, insecurity is something we make in our heads, it’s not that real. It’s part of the doubt family, which is also fairly fictional and rarely has anything to do with reality of your skills or knowledge of said insecurity.

I hate and love that feeling when I feel absolutely ridiculously idiotic, when my friends or Mom just shake me out of that moment with some much needed tough to the toughest love. Because that’s exactly what should happen. For me it works, I’m not saying it’s the same for everyone, but because I am where I am with myself and the work I’ve done with and for myself, I know I can take it all.

Admitting our insecurities and vulnerable feelings is what makes us stronger, it’s just not something that gets the airtime it deserves. Admitting our imperfections makes us more real, and that is never a bad thing.

I’m not sure why I still get so petrified every now and again, to the bone scared. And it’s always, absolutely always just before things are going to change for the better.

The struggle I’ve lived with, mostly because of my own doing let’s be real and honest here… Yeah, I have not made my own damn life too easy for myself at times. But with over 36 years now under my belt, I think it’s time to just enjoy this all. See and embrace the fact that I’ve worked so hard on myself, I’ve changed so many massive things that are real hard to face. That is brave and even I can admit that.

But because in the past I had a habit of making my life harder than it needed to be, I have moments like today when I just feel like I’m crumbling under it all, the new that could open all those doors I’ve worked towards.

Fear is not always a bad thing, it’s actually one of the best things to keep us awake and alert to what is going on around us, but when it stops us to our tracks it’s the one in charge. And that is something we should never let it be.

So the conundrum is that how can I be the one who takes risks fairly easy and is impulsive, can also be the one who is absolutely terrified of her life going smoothly and actually enjoying what it has to offer.

How can the need to put yourself out there and the need to learn something new that shows how you just don’t know everything, which is impossible by the way, can crumble that confidence that shows itself so easily when it comes to taking risks or living the exact way you want when it’s only you.

What I’m realising while writing is that when I do things on my own I’m not too scared, when it’s to do with someone else I get terrified, not something that is a mind blowing realisation by any means. Actually makes me almost laugh out loud or at least snort a bit.

But like I’ve said before, there are also downsides to being able to be so comfortable on your own… You don’t have to show your uncomfortable moments the same way as when you are with others and those moments when in front of them. But that doesn’t really make sense either when I think of myself, because I’ve always been really good at working with people and feel rarely scared or intimidated in those moments. I’ve learned how to build this certain kind of wall of confidence around me with my outgoing persona in those moments, that falls off right away when I am on my own when I enjoy my introverted ways maybe a bit too much. I’m a forever working progress and I’ve accepted and truly embraced that quite some time ago.

Our humanity is sometimes just too much to carry. We get tired of how we behave, tired of some of our personality traits that just are part of us no matter what we do, tired of it all. Sometimes we question if any of it makes any sense, in those moments it usually doesn’t. And that is okay too, we just have to try to remember it when it all feels a bit too much.

No one knows everything, and will never know everything, if something then that would be terrifying. How boring would our life be if nothing would keep us on our toes every now and then?

Self love and understanding aren’t always nice or easy, but it is what we will or should do daily as a practice that never ends.

I can feel the tension releasing in me while I write this, I can feel the gentle understanding and love finding it’s way back to me. Slow and steady my breathing is calm again from that anxious pace it was earlier today. I move my body to my favorite songs and just let the soothing music flow over me.

In the end it’s usually fairly small things that help. Talking to a friend or a family member and saying that I just don’t feel the best with this. Asking for help when feeling unsure how to move on with the task at hand. Give yourself a damn break and some credit for all you’ve gone through and done. And kick those insecurities to the curb and not feed them, because they can eaaaaat!

And remind that it is completely natural to feel a bit all over the place when you are not working and are on furlough, and trying to figure your future in the midst of it all. Come on, we’re in the middle of a pandemic still too!

The fact that I’m far from what someone has decided to call perfect, is one of my favorite things about myself. It all makes me real, and real is good.

So, here I am feeling so much better once again after I’ve let my fingers do the dancing on this keyboard. I’m reminded why I did this as much as I did before and why I should definitely get to back to that routine.

PMA ❤

 

Guilt Trip Game

received_2290259371213480.jpegWhy do we do it? Is it a mainly female thing or do guys do it too to themselves? Why on earth we guilt trip our minds to the point of it affecting every aspect of our lives? I’m very much confused and tired as hell of this ingrown guilt trip game my head seems to love. Especially if I feel a touch down and out, oh it loves to sink it’s claws on me then, and hard.

But seriously, is this guilt trip thing something us ladies only do. Are guys able to always be confident in themselves and just move a long with their lives? Because sometimes it really feels like it.

I was sick with a weird combination of fever and migraine this past week and in those days when I wasn’t sleeping, I was in my thinking thoughts like I tend to  be quite a bit. But one thing that came back all the time was this guilt of not being enough at work, feeling and knowing I hadn’t done my best. And the worst part of it was and is, that it’s been this on going struggle this Spring. I’ve somehow let my outside work life affect my ability to be my best at my job. It’s annoying on so many levels, but especially as I know how easy it would for me to better my performance. But I’ve been in some stuck, I can’t do shit mode in my head, and I haven’t found a way out of there. And is there anything better than the feeling that you’re failing your own expectations and most likely of your boss. Obviously, as with my personality this could sound like I’m expecting too much of myself, but I can promise you that this time it’s not the case. I’ve just purely been shit.

And with that, you get easily caught up in this self shame and guilt trip cycle, that is definitely not helping. For that I have the best kind of personality. Period.

But in those sick days of mine, I had time to think why I keep doing that to myself. And what it is in the end that let’s me sink in that hole that deep. Point blank it’s my insecurities. My fear of success. Things I wrote about a week ago. But the other side of it is the question of “why still?”. It’s not like I’ve never worked on these issues. It’s not like I don’t know that I’m pretty damn far from who I’ve been in my past. So why on earth it’s so hard for me to let go, truly let go, of the past and move on with my life. Giving myself a chance I truly deserve. Why and what is so scary about it all?

Since I was a kid, I’ve been real good at limiting my happiness. Which sounds really weird for some of you. But I’ve been a deep thinker my whole life, and in a way too comfortable with my darker sides. It has it’s benefits but it also makes me feel certain things in a way that I really wouldn’t need to.

I’ve always chose the harder path on my journey, I could’ve easily, so easily done things that would’ve made this whole thing a bit more of a smooth ride. But nope. And there’s something about the fact that I had to grow up when others were getting to know themselves and figuring out who they are in this world. My learning process got flipped upside down and for way too many years of my life, I was always worried about someone or something. Usually what others thought of this or that about what I would want to do with my life. So most of the things I never did. Point blank.

Now I’m in this weird, very weird, age when you’re supposed to be a grown human, but I feel more child than I ever have before. Even when I actually were a kid, because back then I always felt more grown than my peers. And it’s messing with my head, big time. I feel like the things coming out of my mouth are super childish, the way I behave is too. I’m lost in this place that I don’t know how to navigate. I’ve lost my bearings and I don’t know how to get them back.

And the fact that I’ve always done things a bit harder on myself, does not help. I expect so much of myself, while knowing that they are impossible things to expect. I get so caught up in it all that I feel frozen and end up doing nothing at all. I was thinking my work career in general and how it has been for me. And I found that every time I’ve found something I might like and/or be good at, I dive head first and give my all and above and then after a while, I feel like I’m drowning and my performance is close to pure shit. It feels even worse when you actually really like the field you’re in and your place of work. But this time I know, for a fact, that I haven’t done my best, not even close. And it has been pissing me off big time, and it’s unfortunately been part of this bigger ball of “what the actual fuck are you doing with your life? do you think that giving up is still the option to go for? like could you please get a fucking grip of yourself because you are not doing any favors to anyone, and least yourself?”. Yes, I might be a bit hard on myself at times, but this time I know I have a reason to be. I can and will admit what I have been.

What I could do is to let myself sink in deeper into this hole of self loathing, shame and guilt tripping… But I could also face my own shit and fix it. If my own behavior is pissing ME off, then I’m more than the only one able to fix it. I still remember all too well what my ex said to me, one of the good ones, when I was complaining about something about myself. He said that could you please do something about that issue, or please do not bitch and moan about it all the time. The thing is that it’s not changing by talking about it, but it will if my behavior and work ethic about my whole damn life changes. I’m the only one who can do that. I’m still not able to change the past, but I am able to be better today and tomorrow. First to myself and by that to others. Because if I don’t want to hang with myself, why on earth would anyone else? And I have friends, amazing friends who support and love me no matter what. That’s new to me and it also confuses me. Because my head likes to spin things into “why would they want to be my friends? I don’t deserve that because I fucked up something that one time almost ten years ago, so I never deserve anything good in my life”.

I want to understand why it’s so damn hard for me to give myself the option to just be good. Why me having a life that feels good is so terrifying? Why I let the past have that kind of hold of me?

You know how it’s hard to see the work you’ve done, when you’re the closest to yourself. Well it’s really damn hard to really see how much has changed for the better in the past couple of years in my life. And now something idiotic in me is trying to ruin it all by being a dick, and mostly to others because I’m not being even half of what I could be. I’m not letting myself be what I could be is even closer to it.

I don’t know if my body decided to stop me in my tracks with that migraine/fever mix to finally really see the realities of my current life. I do believe our bodies are a lot smarter than we can ever be, so that might be the case. Because, for gods sake, I really have to stop feeling this damn sorry for myself, it’s just getting very old.  If I want to be better, I actually have to do better which means actual actions, not thoughts or talking about any of it. Because I really should know how talk is pure bullshit if you don’t deliver what you say.

This is a constant journey of working progress. Like my very smart friend reminded me. I know it, but why do I keep forgetting it, still?

Maybe me being open and vulnerable about myself again, is the way for me to keep myself accountable. Maybe I should do what I did before, when I decided and actually did change my life for the better. I’ve done it before, so it’s a bit tired and boring to try to be like I can’t do it now.

I apologize to those who I’ve been a bit a of tired dick to. To those who have been giving me a slack for my shitty work. I really am because if it bothers me this much I know for a fact that there’s a lot of room for improving. And all I can do is to actually improve what I do. I can’t be pissed off to others for their success if I’m not willing to do jackshit about my own. No more hiding. This is it.

I am enough. I deserve the good just like others. It’s okay to be me. And like the beautiful Nayyirah Waheed writes “What about this theory. The fear of not being enough, and the fear of being “too much”. Are exactly the same fear. The fear of being you.”

PMA ❤

My Piece “Sabotage” In The Newest Issue Of Like The Wind

When I started this blog, did I ever think that one day my writing would be on an actual magazine, like for real ink on paper magazine. Well that day is sooner than later, my piece about sabotaging your own success will be on the newest issue of this amazing running magazine, Like the Wind.

You can order yours here

I love the idea of the magazine, from runners to runners, real stories about it all. You should really check it out! 🙂

Hi fives to that!

Hi fives to that!

 

Sabotaging Success

IMG_5782Yesterday I realized something… Every time when things start to go better or I start to see results, I freak out and start sabotaging my own success.

And this last week has been all about that. All of sudden I have been eating whatever, like cheese and even fish?! Also, I’ve gone all out with my old flame, chips/crisps.

I’ve drowned myself with so many things that I have been overwhelmed in the most negative way of all the good new changes in my life. Why?!

Because I’m terrified of the actual change that I could be truly who I work hard and have dream of being.

When I look myself in the mirror, I still see this overweight girl that didn’t like herself at all. I like or more like love myself these days most of the time but when I look myself in the mirror this old me just keeps looking back. I do have moments when I see the real, now, me… but too rarely.

A week ago I saw this strong, powerful, beautiful me and all of sudden I got scared.

In my whole life, I’ve never looked, felt and loved myself in the way that I am getting really close to. Not liking myself and the change is like a security blanket that I know how to deal, but I don’t know how to deal with this new me.

The thing is that eating those things actually made me feel physically ill… So why?

Why I want to have that feeling again that my clothes are too tight, if I hate that the most and I just have gotten rid of that…

I think I’m testing myself, in that same way that sometimes we wrongly test the people we want to keep close to us, to see if they leave. I am doing that exact thing to myself, to see if I really love myself, if I really am all about those dreams that I have, if I would finally have the guts to be who I really am.

What I can say is that this is not easy, from 30 years I’ve been unhappy for easily 28. Not obviously 100% of that time but mostly. Or probably I was happier when I was a kid when I truly didn’t care if me being different was a problem, but I remember still how that made me really sad too.

So, this is what I could have now… Loving and healthy relationship with myself, pleasant and proud look when I look in the mirror, no belly aches, huge support system all over the world and amazing new opportunities to follow and make my dreams come true.

The reason why this scares me, I think, is that as a person with depression and all the down sizing that comes with it, has made me not allow myself to be happy or have good things or success in my life. I’m pretty sure that many people with depression know what I’m talking about. We are good at helping others and give them praises but when it comes to ourselves… not so much.

I really want to change my mindset with this. I don’t want to slowly but surely go back to the old me, because the new one is so much better!

I have to say to myself every day, “I can do this!” and I hope that I trust that and go forward in a better and stronger me!

PMA ❤