The Never Ending Sick Leave

wp-image-391466568jpg.jpgWhen you start to count how long you’ve already been on a sick leave and how it truly feels never ending… If something is a patience test, then this is, big ass time.

There’s no confirmed end to this yet, and that is starting to eat my spirit a bit, well honestly, I hate this to my core. My surgery was, 18th of May, and at the moment I feel like 2016 is going to be one hell of a yay for me. Obviously this post is me being filled with frustration and sadness and just anger that why a “simple” wrist operation turned a year of my life into what it is now.

When I got the news that my wrist is broken and needs a surgery last years Christmas week, I never ever thought that it will be this big of a life change. I understood that it is a simple operation that is a bit difficult to heal, or at least slower than others, but never did I think that it would be this. And then the wait to even get to the operation, those months from last weeks of last year to May, all that time when I had to reduce what I was doing at my work at the time, to people saying to me that don’t do that and don’t do this, to me feeling like I’m loosing a part of me, which I feel a lot at the moment too.

After the operation I thought that okay, this will take some time and then after those 6 weeks with a cast I’m pretty much good to go again and that my summer isn’t doomed and that I can start being “normal” again. That’s what I thought and believed and kept my spirits up with. But obviously it didn’t go like that.

The thing is, my recovery has gone as my surgeon wished it to go, but I just managed to break that one tiny bone that takes FOREVER to heal properly. It’s a bone that you can’t take risks with, or it needs a new operation. So I actually have to listen and believe my surgeon when she says that it needs a little more time, even when it is looking better all the time and like she wanted it to be.

But every time I hear that yeah, little more sick leave, just a little more, I seriously don’t see the good in that situation. I feel so shitty now, I just want to go back to being me, fully. Not this, some day I’m back me.

And the notion of how slow my body actually recovers from this all, is just tiring. You want to understand and you know the reality and the facts of why my running isn’t where it used to be, or why my body doesn’t respond as fast as it did last year to eating good and exercising, it’s a struggle to believe that those clothes that I love will fit me again, or that you look yourself in the mirror without feeling like yep, I would not mind looking a bit tighter. Some how it never even crossed my mind how massive of an impact one wrist operation could do to your whole body. It’s just a wrist, so why is it making my whole body react this massively. Yeah they had to take some bone of my hip but still?!

This year has been, once more, a test for me but not anything I was ever prepared for. It has been such a challenge mentally and physically that I even wish that it had been a knee or something like that. I have to battle my depression again, because this has been such a mental battle. And I hate that so much. I’ve lost my happy a bit and I’m tired of climbing back up, even though I know that I don’t want to sink either.

I’m afraid that loosing a year, will make my job opportunities shrink even more than they were before. I’m honestly afraid that I won’t find anything. Once this all is finally done. I’m afraid that I get stuck in this weird situation and just look how others around me move forward.

I’m tired and afraid of this all. I want to be able to be me, to be fully independent on my own and not have to worry about money ALL THE TIME, to feel like I have something to say and give, to feel needed.

I am trying to remind myself that there will be an end to this all, but right now it’s very damn hard.

This will get better, this will better, this will get better, I repeat in my mind, not sure if I even believe myself but I have to try.


Road To Recovery

Photo by Corey Chan

Photo by Corey Chan

Sorry for the radio silence. It’s been some time since I last posted. And a lot has happened. Right now I’m typing this post with one hand in a cast recovering from an surgery. Road to recovery has started almost a month ago.

I would’ve been able to write again for almost two weeks now, but been feeling a proper writers block, or maybe just in a way wanted to keep to myself. Mostly that for sure. Almost dreading the moment I would write again, if I would even know how to anymore. Let’s see how this goes.

The thing that I realized during this first part of my recovery is that if I can’t be active in any way, especially if I can’t run, I can’t write. It was interesting to really understand that when I run I go through all the things in my head, come up with topics about new pieces, ideas, all. And for such a long time I haven’t been interested in running at all. Yeah I’ve run few times this year and with a local crew too, but it never felt like it was nice and enjoyable. Something I need it or any other activity to mostly be for me to keep doing it. Well today, I went for my first run in way over a month and now that I haven’t been allowed to do so, it felt like I got a small piece of me back. And now as I’m typing these words I feel how another piece is falling back to where it belongs, I’m getting myself back.

So the surgery, what I’m talking about and why haven’t I been allowed to run or be active for that long. I wrote long time ago that I broke my wrist last year and that I need a surgery to fix it, well now I had it end of last month. But it was a bit more than I expected, even with all the info I had. More of an overall surgery than just a little thing and up I go again. I had my wrist operated and screwed together, with a slice of my hip bone in between. So basically I had two operations done at the same time. I did walk out of the hospital the same day with my own to feet, but the recovery and understanding how much my body needs time has been a lot different and longer than I anticipated.

Some might think that I’m the luckiest ever the get the whole summer off for recovery, but it has been hard to think it that way. For me this kind of time usually means more of going through certain issues with myself that I have been pushing aside. And so it has been now too. From deep fear before the surgery to relief, to pretty low depressive periods, to anger to massive frustration to all in between and around. But now, finally that I’m okay’d to start running easy and be active in general from my surgeon, I feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel again. Which feels really stupid as I’ve really tried to push myself to remember how lucky I am that I got my wrist fixed and am recovering when there’s millions of people in very different and bad situations. Whether I wanted or not, I am an human and go through these things in my own way. Now coming back to the side that I like more, waking up more optimistic and not ready frustrated.

Right now, my plan is to try to use this off time to do good, put myself first and really find me and love that me again, be there for others, learn more, write more, listen more, be more. I had to, which has been one of the hardest for me, remove all of my previous plans from this summer and early fall, to admit to myself that I just can’t do those and that I really need to put myself and my body before anything else. For some reason that has been the hardest, just painfully hard. To let go of that dream, that wish, that I can.

But I can so many other things, even when I feel like I’m letting some of my closest people down with needing to be truthful to myself and my recovery, which kills me. But I still can and I need to remind myself of that.

Actually, I made one old dream come true in a way and started a run crew for beginners here in Helsinki. This Wednesday is our first run, where I get to start from zero with others around me. Which is pretty damn great. Very excited about what it all will be. Shamelessly saying that go follow @karmarunners on Instagram to know more. 🙂

I needed to fall in order to understand myself and my life better, I needed to have stupid nonsense drama in my life to be reminded that certain people just aren’t supposed to be in your life or you in some group of people if it doesn’t feel right. Less is more, quality over quantity and always listen to that gut feeling, always!