Will There Be Enough Time For My Dreams With This Pandemic

Out of nowhere today, I had this gut wrenching fear of time just slipping away from me and my dreams for my future, and for now too. Simply put, will there be enough time for my dreams to be able to come true or even have a chance with this pandemic that has gotten us all in it’s grip.

As a single woman, close to 37 years under my belt with dreams of children and a loving relationship, on top of being able to move to another country, will my time be enough with it slipping away from us at the same time.

This pandemic has brought mostly positive things in my life, which always feels a bit wrong to say, but personally it has been a blessing and a answer to my previously exhausted prayers. But the reality is that we’ve lived through the first year already with close to no real end in sight, and that is starting to bring up tiny moments of despair.

Last year I spent a month being sick with the virus, and in that month in ways finding myself again, for me that break of all was exactly what I had needed and gave me the opportunity to remind myself of my actual dreams and in the end of who I am and want to be. And so began the “work” to move towards just that.

With being laid off from my job I had another opportunity to stop and listen to myself, it also feels almost wrong to say that for me that was the best outcome at that time. To loose your job in this current state of the world is not something to wish for, but I was so burned out and not in a place I should’ve been anymore. I had been unhappy and stuck for too long already.

But now, with time passing daily without no control from my desires of it slowing down even a bit, I have had moments of oh dear, what if I won’t have enough time after all of this is done, or will it ever be completely done.

The stronger I am mentally and slowly again physically too, the clearer my hopes and dreams and goals for the future are too. All that meditation and writing daily has done it’s magic, not to mention the benefit and guidance of therapy. Every day I admit more and more to myself, things that I used to push aside from fear and belief that they are not for me.

I’ve been thinking will this pandemic change our approach towards love, relationships and connection with others. There’s a huge part in me that really wishes it would. It has already shown how the slowing down of pace of life has done many of us good in ways we didn’t know we could even wish for. It has shown sides in people that have been hidden when the pace has been faster, and with that made connection with others either closer or ending all.

Clearing our circles is not the worst that can happen, clearing our minds and in the end bodies too. Was this the “detox” many of us has been trying to find somehow? We’ve tried so many things, but when we had to slow down it started working finally. Showed us our fears, worries and ugly sides like never before. But most of all, the sides that keep us together and close, like never before too.

It’s less than two months til I turn 37 and today the fear caught up with me.

When I was close to 18, I was diagnosed with epilepsy and I still remember how my first question to the doctor was that can I have children. From all the questions I could’ve asked, that came out of my mouth without me probably even realising it’s weight.

As a woman, I am carrying a weight of certain “have to’s” since the day I am born. And with time we find which of them are the ones we feel good for us, while learning usually the hard way how to carve our own way if we feel that stepping outside of the path is the thing for us even a little bit.

So for years I had this certainty in me that I will want to have children, and when the day came that I realised that I don’t HAVE to I remember how this massive weight lifted from my uterus and I felt free. I didn’t have to any of that, even though people around me were doing what they we’re “supposed” to. I played with the idea of having kids with two of my ex boyfriends but I knew deep down in me that that would be the worst for both of us. Yes, I would’ve loved the child if it would’ve come to that, but still my body and mind knew better.

And then I got sick with covid and had an opportunity to basically think for a month. When all you can do is to lay in your bed, and you are a deep thinker, you will do just that. I remember how I missed my late Grandpa, how I noticed that I thought about his last year, and all the time I spent with him, all the talks about life and love and death we had. I remembered how my childhood was overflowing with love thanks to so many people, no matter how there was uncertainty and trauma too. In the end I realised that my biggest fear would be to be completely alone in the end. No matter how much we annoyed each other, on purpose at times, with Grandpa he was not alone in his last days. Even with Grandma passing before him. He reminded me of me, we were always super close and shared a connection that was special. He understood me and that gave me comfort and the knowledge that I’m worthy of it all. I just forgot the last part in my adult years. Thankfully me and my worth are very much finding our way back together now.

But with all that time to think, I had to admit to myself that I do want to, if I’m lucky enough, have kids with someone I really love. Both things that I’ve pushed aside for all too long.

It took me over 5 years to heal from my last relationship and then there were few months of terror towards the idea of love.

Admitting we want something good in our lives can be the hardest thing ever, at least it was for me.

But how has and will this pandemic change the way we move forward with love in mind?

Are we able to open ourselves easier and maybe faster to someone than before, because we’ve realised the value of time?

Will we trust love and connection more after this experience, we all have to go through?

Is facetime and messages enough to build a strong bond between two, or is the lack of possibility for physicality the blessing we’ve needed to actually build a connection?

Are we able to push fear and “rules” aside when creativity is the key with the possibility of new love?

Will we be brave enough to just be us, infront of someone who our heart feels something we don’t understand yet?

I understand the frustration and tiredness of this all, especially with younger people than me with over ten years more time to experience life with. But people like me, getting closer to 40 with no control over time, we or very much at least me, feel deep fear too. Weird calm fear. Our wishes and hopes for the future tend to be quite a bit different at this stage of our lives.

As a woman, I’ve definitely noticed that while it’s been so joyous to see new baby bumbs popping up all over the place, and what better time to do that than now. It has also reminded me of what I wish to have. Not only the child part, but even more the fact that at this moment I am alone, with no possible connection with a man that I would get to know in a way that could end up with time with me having that baby in my belly.

I am more than aware of the time that is passing and my bodys ability to be a vessel for a little one. There’s so many things in life I don’t fear at all, I love getting older in so many ways that it’s hard to count, but when it comes to love and the possibility of family, some kind of clock has started ticking. At the same time I find myself being an realist and knowing that nothing is given, that a child will always be a blessing and I don’t take that possibility for granted. But I’ve started noticing this gut wrenching terror with it too, what if I don’t have enough time?

Its the what if of it all.

As someone who is not super outgoing even when times were more suited for it, and as one who always yearns for deeper connection that would come from the old ways of talking, really talking and getting to know before all the physicality, I find myself feeling a bit confused by how we should build new connections now.

Not to mention the silly little fact that I’ve known for years that where I live now will not be my forever place. So moving countries is still due to happen, on top of everything else.

I’m wondering what old rules apply when this is all gone, or are we just making new ones as the time passes us with no respect or interest in our hopes for it to slow down even a bit. Should we just take that risk even easier now than before?

There are moments when the fear of not having enough time is real. And I would assume I’m not alone.

I’ve never had more trust and hope for the future to end up good, but this fear that I can’t control is there too.

The Funny Thing Is That We Don’t Really Have As Much Time As We Think…

received_10155286336103458.jpegI’ve read those words quite a few times in the past years. It took until end of 2016 and all of 2017 to really deeply understand what they mean. We really need to lose a lot to understand how delicate and short this life of ours is. We love to judge others, no interest in understanding why some do what they do or decide to do with their lives. Why would we when we aren’t really living and doing what we truly want?

I was in a massive stress ball the whole of 2017, wondering at times why I just keep trucking along despite it all. When I lost my Grandpa, I made decisions I knew would set me free. My body was not in a good state because of the amount of the stress, my mind was strong as fuck but my exhaustion levels ran so high that I didn’t even know myself at times. I was just moving forward because I didn’t know anything else. I wanted to handle what I had with a manner that I could stand behind. I roughly saying, deleted people from my life that I needed to be without, knowing that my choices will cause some words, not caring because I knew I’m doing the right thing for myself. The way I handled 2017, I am immensely proud of myself, knowing I’ve made mistakes on the way like normal human beings do but being true to myself and fixing my errors when needed. I lived the year that I thought wasn’t even real at times, with the honesty I didn’t know before I had in me. So can not be anything else than proud.

I read this article today about what and how would we live our lives if we knew that we only have a week left to live? Or 5 years or 6 months? Have you ever thought about those, I have… My last year got me too close to those thoughts. Even though I thought that I’ve lived honestly the past years of my life, I knew nothing. I’m not saying that it’s always needed to lose a lot to see more clearly but shit, when you lose loved ones that shit makes you think. Especially when you lose a close friend whose the same age as you and someone whose been in your life since day 1.

I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s completely okay. No problem whatsoever. I’m not living for you or your imaginary friend, I’m here for me and my loved ones, while being good to all who are around me because I have no need to not be nice to you unless you do something that makes me question your being. I do judge at times, I’m a goddamn human, so will never be perfect which is actually really freeing. But I will also be me without compromising, I have no time for that anymore. If you can’t take me, that’s not really my problem, sorry. Basically if I need to sum it up, it’s like this… Fuck expectations, no time for that, do you, be you, stay humbly honest and YOU!

Good friend of mine wrote about how this all glorified freelance life isn’t actually for everyone and how there’s nothing wrong with loving and doing your 9 to 5. I was in the middle of changing my life to what it is now and had been battling with where I should be heading work wise for the past few years, especially after my wrist surgeries. She was able to nail all my feels about who I am and how I have been feeling. I’m forever grateful for her words that came when they came. Partly because of them and this childlike dream, I work where I work now and goddamn love every damn day of it. Yes, it’s still just a month in but damn I’m back to what I love. I am, whether I want it or not, a customer service kind of worker, that’s my jam, that’s where I excel. That’s weirdly in my being and core. I always thought that it’s a thing you do when you’re young and then you need to grow up from it and figure out something grown up to do?! But what the fuck is that?! If you are at your best when helping people, and you can do your job with honesty and sell things that you believe in, why not actually do what you were meant to do? And once I started at my job, I realised how I’ve basically done the same job in different ways my whole life, if I’ve gone away from my path I have been doing really badly, so keep doing you, once again. So, oh hai, I’m your local heritage jeans and boots sales lady. And I love the shit out of my job!

But is there anything I feel I miss in my life, now that I have a dream job and another starting next week? I have dream friends, not many but that’s what I love. Family who supports me.

Well… If you’ve read my pieces longer, you know that I haven’t been the luckiest with love but always been courageous and had a faith in the whole thing, no matter what. But you also have to realise that I’ve been alone for a reason for the past 3ish years. Once you’ve been hurt the way I have and you want to get out better on the other side and not carry the weight of your old pain to something new, you want and need to be on your own to fix your own damn self. Love being who you are alone, and that’s what I’ve done. I have no problem being on my own, this shit rocks, maybe too much at times for my own good. But my heart is still on my sleeve, never left, just questioned if it was smart anymore.

It’s taken me few years to come to a place in my life where I feel that I would be willing to let someone in my life. I don’t need someone but there’s starting to be room for someone in it. I don’t yearn love or someone, but in all honesty I do have moments when I yearn the feel of someones skin on mine, or touch of someones fingers, or cuddles, spooning or hugs from behind. Yeah, those things I miss these days at some moments. And sex, because I’m a grown ass woman who loves her body. Nothing wrong with that.

There’s also this funny thing, that I could be super jealous of my best friend and his new love, which is annoyingly perfect and amazing. But I’m just that annoying myself that I’m over the moon happy for him and his love. That shit makes me happy, because the happiness I wish for someone I love is that kind of happiness. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m lacking something, it makes me think how damn lucky I’m to have a friend like that and to see that kind of real love. A love I have in me, and one day someone to shower with it.

After working pretty much all the time since I started, because I really love what I do, if I didn’t tell you that already, I am having a rare free Saturday today, which is the weirdest feeling ever. As I’ve lived very much freely for the past couple of years with no real days in my life. It’s also one of the first days in really long time that I am doing nothing as I had done everything during the week, I had nothing to do even at home that should be done. I felt lost and just wanted to go to work. But there are benefits when being alone when that feels weird. It’s needed. You might feel that you want to do something, or feel restless or just confused, that shit is normal. Just relax. And I’m saying that as much to myself as to you.

In all honesty, at the moment I’m in my sweats, drinking red wine I got for Christmas from a regular glass and listening to Finnish grime. All the while I kind of hoped spending tonight in a different manner, this will do. And that’s me being honest, even if I was a bit bummed before. We all need these moments when we wish for something else and get this haha. This stuff is life.

So, with all that being said, I’m not about making new years resolutions but I am challenging myself to keep my home clean and organized because I had no energy last year for that and I would love to have my home ready for someone to visit whenever, even though my home is kind of holy to me… But still, this is a challenge that my mind will thank me for.

PMA ❤

Depression. Epilepsy. Broken Wrist. What’s Next? Mostly Good I Hope

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

Photo by Markus Kontiainen

That’s how it has been. Depression. Epilepsy. And now broken wrist. And the last week and a half I’ve had time to think about this all. Thinking if this is some sick joke that I’ve had to deal with all of these in just few months.

Yes, I’ve had depression on and off since I was fairly young, runs in the family. But the last few years I’ve gotten the hang of that one, and know and feel when I’m “falling” and know what to do about that. And I’ve had epilepsy since I was 17, though the last 3 years without the medication and for almost 22 years without any seizures, until just before last Christmas and a week and a half ago. Oh yeah… And that broken wrist. I’ve written how I’ve managed to fall on my face couple of times last fall, but I got the news of my wrist being broken since last October and needing an operation involving a screw and bone from my hip, just on the Christmas week.

So with all of these, plus having some major heart brake issues, my interest in this all started to be under a rock. Since I met with my surgeon about my wrist early January, I’ve been more than down with my mood. The news about when and how the operation will be hit me really hard. I was smart enough to not google anything, but with nothing to wait, I was blindsided by it all. Now I’m on the waitlist for the operation which might be in two weeks or in 6 months. And the fact that after it I’ll be in recovery for 3 months. I just didn’t expect any of that. I guess I thought that it’ll be a day and then I’ll do some training with a physio and be done. To be honest, I have no idea what I expected.

The fact that I’m not capable of being myself 100%, is very and has been very disheartening. Yes, I’ve probably been a bit over dramatic about it, but hell, the fact that going from very athletic and capable to needing to ask for help with the simplest things and not being able to use your left arm is a bit shitty feeling. But all through all those feelings I’ve reminded myself that I have it good, it’s going to get treated and there are so many millions of people in the world who aren’t in the position I am and still won’t complain, so.

But what I’ve also been, has been depressed, tired to the level of light burnout, lost in the puzzle of people and how they treat you, and with all that in me already, my good old friend epilepsy paid me another visit. On a day when I last needed it, not sure if you ever need that but yeah. And at that point I just was too tired to be interested in anything. That was it for me. I had nothing in me to fight anything anymore. I was mad, sad and just thinking What’s Next? Bring It! I don’t even care anymore! Which is obviously total bullshit, because I’m incapable of not caring, but even I was close.

And when I was laying in the ER of the hospital and my doctor comes and says that we need to start your medication for the epilepsy again, I don’t know, I just broke a bit inside.

One of the biggest things for me has been that I’ve been able to balance my life in a way the last few years that I didn’t need the medication anymore. And now, knowingly what I shouldn’t do and what will trigger it, I’m back in a place in my life where I have to put few meaningful dreams aside because of it. There went my dreams of finally being able to drive a license and being able to do those road trips I’ve dreamt for a long time, going somewhere alone in a car I can sleep in. There also went the dream of living as clean as possible, as the idea of needing to eat that strong of a medication makes me sad and like I have no control over my own life.

In a way I was and have been mostly mad or disappointed at myself. Why with all the knowledge I have about my situation and my past, I go and do the exact opposite? Why I stop all that have made me feel that good and balanced my depression to a level that it’s almost non existing? Why I stop caring about my diet and think that something would have changed with me needing certain amount of sleep to keep my epilepsy in check? In the end I’ve been sabotaging my own self.

Why?

The way my last year went from start to finish has definitely had a part in that. It started and ended with a heart break. And now learning more and more about my HSP (highly sensitive person) and introversion, I’m not even surprised how puzzled it all made me. I lost myself in all of that, without realising that I need time to heal, really heal. I healed but not fully in spring time with running, I was heading to a great direction but I fell for someone too early and that was too good to not dive head first. Why not, I tend to believe in love no matter what.

But when I moved back to Finland, I was just in need of a change and I got that in the form of a completely new and exciting job. But as I do, I dove head first, and forgot that now I really need those good balancing teachings that I’ve practised so hard for couple of years. But when you’re excited you don’t have time to concentrate on things like good diet, sleep and exercise, right?!

So my first epilepsy seizure, late fall, tried to remind me of certain things without me listening to any of it. Then the news of my wrist tried to calm me down a bit, but it only made me angry and teenagey. So I needed the universe to really stop me cold with my second and hopefully last epilepsy seizure, to hopefully make me understand that it doesn’t make me a bad person if I’m not willing to risk my health for something else. No one made me or expected me to do that, just to make it clear, that was all me. But the challenge will be from now on, from next Monday when I go back to work. To find that balance, really work on me and finding ways to feel better.

Maybe this is part of some 30’s crisis, that I didn’t have when I was turning 30, or maybe this is some pressure that comes from the world we live in these days. No idea what, but I feel a lot of times we’re supposed and expected to be almost immortal and capable of everything without sleep and personal boundaries. The social media pushes new this and that to us all the time, and you feel even when you don’t really feel like that in you, that you need to want something or be something else that you are, or more this or that. I can’t do all of that. I’m one of those who are way too sensitive to be in front of all that all the time and try to exceed. I have no interest in exceeding because that’s impossible. That’s not me.

I saw an interview of Adele when her new album came out and the interviewer was asking does she miss being in the spotlight or does she have her own squad. What she answered was perfect. She said that not really because it’s not real life, and those who think that it is usually tend to be assholes. And that she has a squad, the ones that truly matter and care, and that it’s really small, and has gotten smaller and smaller the more known she is.

Without realising, that’s exactly what I’ve wanted to do for some time. To go in the background so to speak and just do my job really well. Push myself forward in those things, like writing and being healthy and a good friend and person, but doing it for me, not for others. And what I’ve noticed is that my “squad” is really small but the quality of it is off the roof! There’s spots in there for few more good ones, but my trust is a bit shakey these days so I apologise if it’s not that easy to get in. So again, less is more, in so many ways.

Also, how I feel about all these physical things that have been shaking my balance, is still something I thought long long time ago, I got them because something higher knew that I’m strong enough to carry them. I’m embracing this all now, it’s not all fun and games all the time, but I am embracing this and what it brings. I can assure you that starting your medication again and it making you feel like you are in a cloud of deep tiredness and foggy head and nausea, is not the way you want to spend a week, but I keep moving forward. I just needed to let myself feel all of that. I can’t be afraid of things that I love. I can’t stop being me, even if something like this is “back”. I am me, because I have all of these. There’s nothing wrong with me, and if they make someone think again about if they want to get to know me better, then that’s their lost, not mine. I do love myself like this, “flaws” and all. They are not flaws, they are parts of me.

LOVE. GRATITUDE. FAITH IN BETTER. PMA ❤

I want to thank all of you who have been my support through this. Thank you to my colleagues who helped and took care of me after my seizure. I am very grateful for this all, thank you.