Scattering And Collecting The Pieces Of My Mind

wp-1462879836330.jpgFirst I felt all in one piece and then my depression scattered all of me around me. So now I’m collecting the pieces of my mind that I first scattered around without having anything to say about it. Scattering and collecting. Pieces of my mind.

It’s been a weird couple of months. My past creeping in my current and my future feeling like it’s stuck and not going nowhere. It’s been filled with so much love that I couldn’t understand. It’s been filled with experiences, friends, different countries and cities. It’s been such an up and down that now I am completely depleted. My batteries are done and out and the time that they need to recharge is more than couple of days.

I’m still quite new in what my introversion and depression together can mean in my everyday life, as I want to be more social and not be alone as much as before. But the more I’m with people, especially with new, and in positive hectic situations, the more I need time for myself to gather all that I’ve experienced and calm down with myself. I need time to be on my own to be able to be with others. And I’ve forgotten and dismissed my needs in this bubble I’ve been.

We as humans deal things differently, certain memories and wounds heal slower than others, they might even come to you a lot after the actual thing has happened and you start understanding other feelings through those. But whether they come fast or slow, it’s never easy and always as confusing in it’s clarity.

I’ve always been good with myself when it comes to dealing and healing myself. But what I haven’t been good at is being a lot with people, and finding a balance with my want to be with people and my need of time alone. That is what I’m learning now when I actually have people I want to spend time with.

And with my forever guilt tripping mind, my deepest fear always is that I hurt someone or that someone doesn’t like me. And that has also made me forget and push my own boundaries back, which only means that I get hurt in the process too, usually most. I’m learning, very slowly, to understand that I don’t need to be as nice as I am, or settle for certain behavior, or let people walk over me. I tend to say I’m sorry even when I shouldn’t. I’m reminding myself and learning that while I don’t have to like everyone, not everyone has to like me either. And that’s okay.

But now this all has made my depression come back, as it does at times, and with that my good old friend, feeling like I’m a forever failure, is back too. Which only makes me feel worse as I feel like all that I’ve done is a lie, when I deep inside know that it’s not. I am moving forward but I can’t see it. I have been too much for others and not enough for myself, so I feel depleted of all. I feel like I have nothing in me, but I have to try. Like no sleep can make me feel less tired.

I know that this all is a period in time, like it always is, but I always fear that I fall deeper in this and that I can’t climb back up. I have said that I am not in a good place, and I have to remind myself how brave that is, everytime. I will be in a better mindset soon again, I just have to give myself time. Time to actually collect those pieces back up and be with myself. I will be okay.

PATIENCE. TRUST. UNDERSTANDING. PMA. ❤

29 Days Of Gratitude – Day 29 The Late Edition

12803124_10153971209752726_7527504342632920985_nWOW!

How time flies and makes you feel like you’ve done nothing even when you know that you’ve done crazy much…

That’s how my last week and last day of my challenge definitely was. So much, too much to be honest.

The things I’ve noticed even more when going gets rough and you feel so small in front of it all, is that with the right people in your life, you’re going to be able to push it through. It took me many many years to realise who are the right people to let close and I’m now reaping the benefits of my mistakes and teachings of those mistakes. Life is about learning, day in day out, and this matter with people isn’t any different.

I love how the ones I have the closest know exactly what I’ve gone through and in their own way can reflect it all. The fact that you’re able to be long without talking and then when you do, it feels like no time has passed. That is the best, and those people are worth keeping close.

What I’ve learned this past month is that life has a way of almost testing you until you admit what is right and what wrong, it will steer you to your right path with the right people to do what you’re supposed to do. And it’s up to you if you’re going to listen and learn or keep going and fight and fight against it all. The uncertainty of it all is actually a gift to be embraced. We only have this moment, not before or next, just now. And that is definitely something I am learning to believe and let be, to make myself appreciate truly this moment.

I can plan something in my future and I can have goals and work towards them, I can have dreams and wishes, but I just have to be patient with whatever it is and see how life goes on.

The things that are important to me now are so different and also so the same as I had before this past month. But the thing I wanted to gain from it was to be more positive and be able to let go of the negativity I held so close to me. I’ve noticed a difference in myself and I’ve also surprised myself with my openness and bravery, and how insanely relentless and strong I am. Something I seem to forget so often.

One thing that I’m 50% struggling and 50% embracing, is the fact that the past is past and I can’t let it define who I am now, because I am so far from who I was back them. My mistakes from my past are with me in certain things still in my everyday life, but I am not the same and that makes the difference. I am working and have been working hard to be better than I was before, and I know and want to believe that I’ve succeeded in that. And will keep working till my last day here. We are a work in progress forever. And I think that’s the best part, we can never be ready or done. We have to trust in what we are at that moment and see what happens.

Whenever I’ve felt the most exhausted and felt lost and like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, I’ve managed to in the end got out and be better and stronger than before. And I’ve realised that damn, that was the exact thing I needed to do and go through to be where I am now. So thank you February for almost kicking my ass, I expect you showing me something amazing in my near future ;).

LOVE. PATIENCE. GRATITUDE. EMBRACE YOUR STRUGGLES AND TRUST YOUR JOURNEY. PMA ❤

 

Love Is Strange, But Oh So Good If You Let It!

IMG_8250Yeah, it is! It makes us go all weird and makes us say things that we might not say or do things that are just ridiculous. But what if there’s love that is just calm and good?

This post is not only about love, don’t worry, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it the last year, how it is part of us since we are born. It’s with us in our everyday life, in so many different ways. When we smile at some little kid, it’s shining out of us. When we are happy, it’s there. When we are sad, it really is there. When we hug a friend, it’s there. When we kiss that special one, it’s there. When we hear the voice of someone we care about, it’s there. When we see the face and smile from afar that we like, it’s there. It’s never not there.

My idea of love has changed a lot the past couple of years. I remember there was a time when I was thinking that I have no idea what it means, and before I do know, I don’t want to say it. Just because I’m supposed to in certain situations. But I’m also in a place in my life where I know that I rather say it when I mean it than leave it unsaid.

“The trouble is that you think you have time.” – Buddha

I think the way I feel about love changed while I’ve changed. It changed and got new dimensions when I lost my Grandma last September. Loosing someone that close and one who has taught you how to love in her own way, it changes you. It makes you think about your future relationships differently, as you’ve seen your grandparents living their lives together your whole life. I never thought about them like that before, I always loved certain things they did or how they behaved around each other. But when the other isn’t there anymore, it’s the time when you start thinking about those moments that were normal before. It also makes you finally understand that we don’t have limitless time on this planet. And not taking a risk with someone all of sudden doesn’t make any sense…

We’ve all had relationships that have taught us something, no matter how good or bad they’ve been, they always teach something. When I was insecure and didn’t love myself too much, I ended up in relationships where I knew from the start that this is not going to be a good thing, but I just stayed and ended up being hurt. I wasn’t always the good one, none like the other was always. There’s always two in a relationship. But I wasn’t there in a way I hope to be able to be now. I said things that weren’t really 100% me, because I really had no idea who I was and what I wanted. I sucked so much stuff that hurt me and really scarred me for a long time, something we should never do. Like a friend of mine said couple of weeks ago, “life’s too short to be unhappy”. It really is. But we rather stay stuck in a situation that just isn’t going anywhere because we are afraid of the what if. I’ve been there, so many times, been so afraid to be happy that I’ve rather stayed in that unhappy place because it was familiar. While I’ve been wondering why can’t I just be happy?

I’ve also always been a believer in love. I’ve wanted to believe that it’s not supposed to be too hard. Real, yes. But not make life harder. Challenging at times, yes, but always because both are willing to take that challenge. Not challenging the other to a limit where they feel completely empty and like the life has been sucked out.

I don’t regret any of my relationships, just like I don’t regret my mistakes and choices that I’ve made in life. Each and every one of those have taught me something, and all those together are the reason who I am now. So I can only be thankful for them. Maybe I needed to hit my head to the wall that many times to believe that that’s not what’s good for me. Maybe I needed to suffer in a way, to see what happiness really is. Maybe I needed to feel as bad as I did to see how amazing I am and how much I have to give.

I feel a lot of the time these days, especially in my age people, that we tend to make our lives a lot harder than they need to be. We over analyze everything, overthink our every move to a point where we don’t know what we wanted in the beginning. We are in such a hurry with our lives that we forget to actually live them and enjoy the ride.

I’ve definitely been one of those people, and still have moments when I do that, but I’ve learned to recognize them and ask myself what’s really going on. Is all of that necessary?

I read from somewhere that the person who is our soulmate or the one, should make you feel calm, not nervous. I started thinking about it, and it makes so much sense. Butterflies in belly are a great thing because they make us remember and feel all that we feel, but when it’s nerves and anxiety, it’s not good. That’s what I want to be able to give, peace and calm to my relationship. And I hope to feel that too. I want to be able to be quiet without anything being wrong. Just being able to be next to someone so comfortable that it’s easy to be quiet. In the end the person I want to spend my life, should make me feel like I’m safe and if I feel really nervous about something, I know that they will calm me down and have my back.

We want to be so much in control these days that we forget that we can’t make things like we want always, something we just need to let go and see what happens. Trust the unknown, with all it’s terrifying openness. That unknown has been the best place for me the last year. Every time I’ve let go, I’ve gotten so much good, so much love. It doesn’t get any less scary, but I’ve started to trust it. I can’t control what happens all the time, I just need to let it happen. Once I let go of the panic control, I started seeing my whole life in a new way, and so many doors started opening to me. It’s not easy, if it would be we would all be super happy and content with our lives all the time. But I rather try than be scared and think of the what if’s.

“The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.”

The idea we have these days about a perfect relationship is so far from reality, that it’s impossible to actually make it work, at least the way we want it to. We want to change the person we fall for, not take them as they really are, with their scars and past. But why we want to be with someone if we want to change them straight away? Isn’t all that they have gone through in their lives, exactly what’s made them who they are now, just like us? That’s supposed to be the thing that we get interested in, those things that have molded that person to who they are when we meet them.

I’ve been one of those whose either thought that I can “help” someone away from their problems, or just wanted to change them in to something else, more suitable for me and where I have been in my life. I don’t think that’s something that any of us want to admit, but why not. I know that I have and that I don’t anymore. That is the great thing about admitting your past and being okay with it. I was probably trying to change them because I was insecure and thought that if the other one would be like this or that, then my problems wouldn’t feel that big.

After my little over 31 years here, some relationships later. After huge change in myself and really being honest with who I am and what I actually want, I’ve noticed that the things that are important to me in a relationship are really simple, but at times the hardest to do.

Trust is love to me. I’ve gone through lack of trust for the biggest part of my life, which made me really suspicious in my relationships. It’s hard to trust or be trustworthy if you’ve felt that the promises aren’t kept that are shaping you as you grow up. But once I gave up the past, once I let go of the hurt that it had done and said it out loud, I was actually trusting for the first time in my life. I trusted myself to be truthful to myself, which ends up me being that to others too. I don’t need to hide myself anymore.

I want a relationship where I can be genuinely me, with my good and bad, my ups and downs, my from zero to hundred moments, my joy and laughter. It’s hard to find that, but I’ve gotten a glimpse of how it can feel and while it’s a bit scary, it feels so good. Not to be nervous about saying the things you have inside of you, or being all stupid in front of the person. We need to start being more stupid and remember to really have fun and do somersaults when we feel like it, you can never be too old for that. We need more laughter in our lives.

I want my love to be pure in a way that it’s effortless for me to give, something I don’t even think. I don’t need to love so that I can get love back, that’s wrong way to do it. It has to be something that comes from you without you thinking what you can gain from it. That’s not love, that’s business. Most of the time, we don’t “get” anything back when we love. You don’t always get a smile back when you smile to someone on the street, but that’s totally okay.

I wish that the person I spend my life with and love, is my best friend. The friend that I can truly talk about my fears, my dreams and goals, the one who supports me even when they don’t understand. I firmly believe that it’s really important to be able to say whatever to your person, without the fear of what will they say. Because if you’ve been true and honest in what you want and feel, the other person knows what makes you happy, maybe sometimes before you do. They are there for you, especially in those scary moments. They are able to put themselves in the back for some time to be there for you.

Honesty and trust are huge to me. I’ve gone through journey of lies in it and when I got rid of that me, I haven’t looked back. If you can’t be honest, then there’s a problem. You can’t trust if you’re not honest, I think it’s that simple.

Sometimes we need to shatter to millions of pieces to really reveal who we are and what we want. It’s one of the scariest things in life, but so rewarding. Once you start climbing your way back up from that, you learn all you have in you.

Sometimes we meet someone who comes to our life in the weirdest time, but they change all in a second and all that was there before starts feeling like it’s not right anymore. Letting go of the old and familiar is the scariest part. There’s no guaranty on the other side, other than the trust and feeling that this feels better than what I had before. If that person makes you feel calm and don’t give up with the first pump on the road, I believe they are there for real. If they are able to take those moments when you break down, and don’t go into it with you but are there for you to be in panic, cry, yell, whatever and still after that will hug you and be there for you, then keep those close. They are ready to be in it for real. They don’t get scared of those moments.

“Throughout this life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You could talk to them for hours and never get bored. You could tell them anything and they would never judge you. This person is your soul mate, your best friend. Don’t ever let them go.” – Unknown 

I think the person whose meant to be with you, is someone who challenges you. In a way that makes you feel like I have more in me that I thought. That love is raw, real, honest and warm. It doesn’t always say what you want to hear but what you need to hear. But in the end you know that they do and say those things because they care. That kind of love isn’t supposed to be all perfect with no arguments, of course there’s those, it’s part of life. But you both know that it’s part of the journey. Past needs to be in the past, not brought to present as a mean way of fighting. We all have a past, but it’s called past for a reason. To use it as a weapon is the lowest way of fighting. There’s no trust in that.

I want to be able to talk with my person about future without fear. I want to say that I would love to have kids and maybe live on the countryside one day. I want to be able to talk about future in a way that makes me and them think about it together, as a unit or a team. Are our dreams, wishes or hopes similar?

But there also have to be patience in love. You can’t just rush through something, even when it’s good. Something I’m learning everyday. Patience is not easy, but it’s key to really knowing what is good for you. In my “past” life, I was always in a hurry. I wanted everything to happen straight away, not tomorrow, now. But now, I am in no hurry to rush love anywhere, I want to actually learn what it is and could be. I want to learn who the person is and what they want. I want to be able to be friends and grow from there. It’s not the easiest as I’ve always done it the other way round, or in a hurry. But I really want to “do things differently”.

“Friendship into love takes growing. Knowing is to love.” – Mikky Ekko – U

And at my age, you also feel secure in yourself enough to say what you want. If you don’t say what you want, you will never have it. If you are not honest in what is inside of you, then don’t be surprise if the other one doesn’t know it either. If you don’t show how you feel and put yourself out there, you will never know. I’m too old for some games, the ones that we somehow think it’s okay to play these days, with each others hearts and feelings?

In the end, we all want to the same thing, to love and be loved and share our lives with someone. Why we make that simple pleasure so complicated? Why we give up so easy on the ones that makes us feel the best but challenge us, aren’t those the ones worth keeping? Love is not that hard, if you try to remember how it was when you were a kid. It was as simple as a hug.

Love has to be equal and understanding. You have to be a unit, a team that plays on the same side. I want to forgive, because we’ve all made mistakes. I want to leave the past in the past. What is now matters. I want to be able say what I want in life without thinking “can I?”. I need to be able to be me, in front of the one. I need to be able to take them as they are, with scars, ups and downs. There has to be inside jokes. No compromises in things that matter. If they really care, they don’t want you to compromise, they support.

“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of our time. There are too many mediocre things in life; love shouldn’t be one of them.” – Unknown

Whoever you love, keep your love pure, honest and true. Don’t judge or make it harder than it needs to be, because in the end it’s really simple. Let it fill you with all it’s magic, and let it challenge you. Trust in that jump you need to take when you really love. Trust that gut feeling, it usually knows best. Love because you want to, not because you want something from it. Just love. And say that you love, better to say than keep it as a secret. Love should never be something you need to fight for all the time, it’s just there. And remember that it needs watering, so that it can really blossom. ❤