From Slow and Luscious to Strong and Luscious

IMG_7533Something changed in me during that Ultra of mine, yes a lot but one thing that is very particular.

It was the first time in my life that I had this tiny spark waking up in me. That spark that wants to better myself and is really willing to put myself on that edge and over my comfort zone. I actually want to be good at Ultras and trail running, not just do it solely for my own fun.

I’ve never really been too much in to pushing myself over that line. I think in the end I’ve always been afraid what is really in me, if I work harder for it. Yeah, that good old fear…

But if I was able to finish that race, I am able to push myself in my running. If I didn’t give up there, why would I give up now that I’m already on my way to bettering myself? It would not make any sense.

So I knew even during the race that what I need to change and do from now on. I have little over two months to go to my next Ultra, same distance 58km, on an island too. So I know what I want and need to improve in my body, mind feels ready and just need to be kept on that strong level it is now.

I’ve contacted a coach for my running, already have a personal trainer for the gym work, and am talking about a better race nutrition. So I’m really taking the steps to the right direction.

This is a test for myself to see how dedicated I am, I know I have it in me, but I just need to really show it too. Inside of myself I know that I have what it takes to be actually good in this Ultra running. I might never be the fastest but I have guts and the mental side and with training and hard work my pace will increase too.

I’ve never really been too competitive but something woke in me during that race, my own potential probably. I saw who I really am, not someone anymore who just wants things but isn’t willing to really work for them. And I knew that I had a plan on how to train for that race too, but I really didn’t follow through, so with this new mentality and headspace I feel that I have a new chance, and I really want to show myself how hard I can work.

And I can only go forward and maybe it was a good thing that my first official Ultra took me that long. I know that I am able to get better from that. And after todays hill repeats, I actually feel that this will work, yes! 🙂

So Ultra Project “From Slow and Luscious to Strong and Luscious” has began!

PMA ❤IMG_7534

Suffer Better

Last weekend I had a plan to run a long run. That was my goal.

My training has started really well, I’ve gotten into this rhythm of being more on my feet. So last week I ran three days in a row for 10km a day. And that plan of running around 30km long run on that weekend.

The weather didn’t really make me feel enthusiastic about being out and about for three to four hours. Saturday was just super stormy and icy, so I took it as a proper rest day, which was needed too. So my only change was to run on Sunday.

I woke up on Sunday to the notion that it will be a hard one. It was snowing or more like snowsleetandrain together. It was super wet and mushy. Yei…

But then I thought to myself that this is exactly what I need, I need to go out and suffer in a good way. Because I have no idea what the weather is on April during my first Ultra, it can be anything, so it’s better to go out and push through.

So off I went. The first 7km was just rough, then I stopped and reminded myself that this is my decision, no one is making me run in a sleet rain. This is part of making my dreams come true, so suck it up and keep going! And I went all the way to 27km. Really proud of that, in sleet and all :).

Making dreams like mine come true, is not supposed to be easy, I didn’t choose a sport that makes everything always easy. I chose the one thing, I know, that makes you peel yourself open like an onion and that stuff is not easy but it’s worth it!

Suffer better. PMA ❤IMG_6604


Fear, Guilt and All That Jazz

If I counted right I have 88 days before my first Ultra Marathon, Fyr til Fyr. 88 days to get my head sorted. I’m not that worried about my body.

Okay, end of last year, last four days of it I was running on average 15km a day to get to 1000km. A challenge set by my crew mates and I really didn’t want to be the one who didn’t get it. I did it and all was well. After that I decided to give myself little time off, as I had the best week ahead of me with my boyfriend. But that “freetime” ended already last Friday morning, but I was still on that same mode yesterday evening. When I finally felt so guilty of not training in any form during the whole weekend that I actually called to my boyfriend to tell all about my frustration and he just said “get off your ass to the gym you can do it and I’m proud of you!”. And I called to my coach to ask how many I was supposed to do of all my moves. So there I had two people, who I was accountable to. Not that either of them would say anything mean if I didn’t do anything, but the fact was in my head and that was all I needed. So sometimes guilt can be the best motivator!

End of last year I had all these great plans on how I will train for this Ultra. But actually doing them feels like I am failing already. Why am I being so hard on myself?!

I would like to train in silence and then just do the thing. But I’m torn with the notion that I’ve told about my plans, I’ve gotten some sponsors to help me in my plans and here I am, not believing in myself?!! Get your shit together!!

Today I was running, because part of me wanted and part of me guilt tripped me in to it. It felt terrible, because of my lack of interest in real food that makes me feel good, and the fact that I haven’t done that much. And possibly last nights kettlebell workout that really hurts now. But I was bitching and moaning to myself while I was moving and I had to make these things in my head like, “to that buss stop” or “after 5km you still have quite a few to go in couple of months”. I got mad at myself, obviously. I wanted to stop, because it didn’t feel like I was flying. I didn’t like myself at all for the fact that I have signed up for something that I have no idea (at the moment) how to finish.

The main point under this all is this… I am afraid of the distance.

Or the unknown part of the distance.

When I started running I was feeling like this about running a 10K. Then I did it and felt like the biggest winner. Then the defining moment in my personal change was the day when I ran 15,4km and didn’t believe that I did it! I actually asked our roommate to check the map, to say that I actually did it. Myself. Then I decided to just run a Half Marathon distance for my own fun, and I did it! This all pretty much happened in one month.

So, yeah I really have a reason to be this afraid…

For some reason that Marathon distance is haunting me like crazy. I think there’s couple of reasons for that. One, my boyfriend said to me(for a good reason) that I’m not allowed to run an Ultra before I’ve run an Marathon. Then I got a place for Berlin Marathon last year, but because of losing Grandma, I had to defer it to this year. But since I didn’t do it, that distance is just haunting and haunting me and makes me feel like without it I’m nothing. That is pretty much the second reason.

All in my head.

That’s it. It’s all in my head.

A friend of mine said to me, if you already ran 29km you can run 59km, then you are able to run 100km. There’s a point in this. Because it’s all in your head. Your body is able to do things that is just insane, so it’s all in your head.

And my head is not in the right place at the moment. I’m guilt ripping myself of things that only hold me back and don’t make any difference. I’m afraid of something that is impossible for me to know before I have done it. And I’m thinking too far ahead. None of these are going to help me forward. In making my dream come true. And that’s what I’m supposed to remember, this is MY DREAM to run that Ultra. It’s next to the ocean, on every surface possible, there WILL be seagulls, there will be (probably) stormy winds. Everything I love and I am making my own life a living hell because I’m AFRAID?!

Way to go me!

So, I think it’s time to put my big girl pants on and get a new mindset. If the one that I love the most is proud of me and believes in me, I should too. He knows better. Enough of this useless bitching and moaning and more work towards that dream of mine!

Yes, this post is very much of a NoteToSelf and I truly needed this. Also I needed to see this video and feel like I am ridiculous. Thank you Grant for being so awesome!! Your rock!!

” I even love Love.”