Changes

received_10155252971233458.jpegWhen was the last time you looked yourself in the mirror and realized that you are exactly who you’ve wanted to be. You feel free, free’r than you’ve felt in ages. You feel you, comfortable in your own skin, in your style, in your mind, all.

When was the last time you felt You, the you you know you are inside of you, under all those layers that life has put on you?

Or what has to happen for you to crack those layers off from your back and be free and truly you? When will you stop compromising to suit the You that others have “designed” for you?

I lost my closest and dearest person a month ago, exactly a month ago. My Grandpa passed away, he was ready to leave, left in a way he had wanted. The last time we spoke our phonecall ended in “I love you, I love you too!”. Just like our phonecalls before that on weekly basis. For the past month I’ve tried to understand all these feelings his passing started in me. How I had to loose someone so damn dear to me to shook myself out of this state of numbness that I had been for quite some time.

If there’s one whose always been truthfully and with no hesitation them, it’s been my Grandpa. He was fearless, not in reality as we all have things we fear, but he wasn’t afraid of life. He wasn’t afraid of death, we spoke about it a lot this past year. Honestly, jokingly, deeply. It made me forget my fear of loosing him. I was able to accept it all, not understand but accept.

This piece is not about him, as he’s something I don’t feel the need to share more than I have. This is about changing and letting yourself be You. The You I’ve been hiding and fearing. This is about change. Change that you know is the best kind of right, the kind that you know in the deepest of your stomach that you need and have to do. I haven’t listened to my gut in a long ass time, and I’ve suffered from that dumbness!

We all know that changing our lives is hard, changing the ways we are and live is hard. Leaving people and situations behind is hard. Making decisions that will change the course of your journey is hard. I’ve done all of those quite a few times in my life, but not in any way like this year and probably the future ones too.

The funny thing is that sometimes the change can start from the smallest and most superficial thing. With me, it had been brewing in me for such a long time, me fighting against it with all I had. Being afraid of who I am and who I want to be, loosing days to fear. And if there’s one thing we never get back it’s time, don’t try to fool yourself. When we are younger we, I think, understand the concept of time, or the way it slips from our fingers way better than when we grow up and the world hardens our skin. We don’t fear what others might think of us or if something we wear is okay or not. At least I was like my Grandpa when I was small, I was that lone wolf like I am still with no worry in the world. I didn’t care if no one liked my new rubberboots that looked like frogs with eyes and all. I thought they were great and that was enough for me. I spent most of my time alone and I was completely happy. The feeling of loneliness came a lot later, when the surroundings, the people around me made notes that it would be great if I would have more friends. I had one and I was happy with that, too.

So why does all that happen? Why we forget that fearlessness and are all of sudden afraid of every damn thing?

I’ve found answers this past month I’ve been mostly alone, dealing with my grief but also with those things that have been pressing my peace for too long. My level of understanding them had reached all the levels there could be, I had nothing left but to know exactly what I need to do. I had to start making changes.

I had known few things, intuitively made the decisions already, for quite some time but the letting go part was the hardest to me. I felt like I’m loosing myself, when the reality was that I was afraid of the reality that would come when I let go and open that door that I should’ve knocked on long time ago. I still have no idea what’s behind it, but now I’m in peace with my fear that I actually don’t have anymore, but only the childlike curiosity to see. Today I admitted all of them out loud and made a plan while realizing them. I’ve missed that feeling so fucking much, that shows how deeply I’d lost myself.

My superficial thing, the product that kick started or more like pushed the ball to the right direction a direction I had build the past months, was a pair of Red Wings Moc Toes. A pair of work boots that I had been dreaming of for almost 6 years. And yes, I understand that you might think that what the fuck, but yes that’s my truth. My partners in my life crime to happiness. That’s the thing, sometimes you need a nudge in your style to be able to be your true self. A thing, a product, an object, that feels like home, like you’re complete.

Yeah, keep laughing if you want to but we all have something that makes us feel like that, don’t even try to fool yourselves like you’re better than me…

The Me I am and in the same way the You you are, is a complete puzzle of multiple pieces. From childhood to all those heartbreaks, to your style, your hair and smile. To the music you listen to, to books you read or movies you watch, even those “guilty pleasure” reality shows. But the hardest part is to be the You you really are without caring what the world around you think and just be. A lot of us say that we don’t care but we all know that that’s bullshit. We might be able to master the art of not giving a fuck by practicing for years, and let me tell you I’m reaping the benefits, I truly am. Though that also means that you need to admit all those not so nice parts of yourself to yourself. That’s the hardest part… Believe me, I’ve been there.

My change is powered by the crave for the happiness and free flying feeling I had, not even so long ago. My change is necessary for my tomorrow to be better than the numbness I’ve felt for most of this year. My change is Me. My life is mine.

MY LIFE IS MINE just like the amazing Tracee Ellis Ross said.

Stay tuned…

PMA ❤

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Scattering And Collecting The Pieces Of My Mind

wp-1462879836330.jpgFirst I felt all in one piece and then my depression scattered all of me around me. So now I’m collecting the pieces of my mind that I first scattered around without having anything to say about it. Scattering and collecting. Pieces of my mind.

It’s been a weird couple of months. My past creeping in my current and my future feeling like it’s stuck and not going nowhere. It’s been filled with so much love that I couldn’t understand. It’s been filled with experiences, friends, different countries and cities. It’s been such an up and down that now I am completely depleted. My batteries are done and out and the time that they need to recharge is more than couple of days.

I’m still quite new in what my introversion and depression together can mean in my everyday life, as I want to be more social and not be alone as much as before. But the more I’m with people, especially with new, and in positive hectic situations, the more I need time for myself to gather all that I’ve experienced and calm down with myself. I need time to be on my own to be able to be with others. And I’ve forgotten and dismissed my needs in this bubble I’ve been.

We as humans deal things differently, certain memories and wounds heal slower than others, they might even come to you a lot after the actual thing has happened and you start understanding other feelings through those. But whether they come fast or slow, it’s never easy and always as confusing in it’s clarity.

I’ve always been good with myself when it comes to dealing and healing myself. But what I haven’t been good at is being a lot with people, and finding a balance with my want to be with people and my need of time alone. That is what I’m learning now when I actually have people I want to spend time with.

And with my forever guilt tripping mind, my deepest fear always is that I hurt someone or that someone doesn’t like me. And that has also made me forget and push my own boundaries back, which only means that I get hurt in the process too, usually most. I’m learning, very slowly, to understand that I don’t need to be as nice as I am, or settle for certain behavior, or let people walk over me. I tend to say I’m sorry even when I shouldn’t. I’m reminding myself and learning that while I don’t have to like everyone, not everyone has to like me either. And that’s okay.

But now this all has made my depression come back, as it does at times, and with that my good old friend, feeling like I’m a forever failure, is back too. Which only makes me feel worse as I feel like all that I’ve done is a lie, when I deep inside know that it’s not. I am moving forward but I can’t see it. I have been too much for others and not enough for myself, so I feel depleted of all. I feel like I have nothing in me, but I have to try. Like no sleep can make me feel less tired.

I know that this all is a period in time, like it always is, but I always fear that I fall deeper in this and that I can’t climb back up. I have said that I am not in a good place, and I have to remind myself how brave that is, everytime. I will be in a better mindset soon again, I just have to give myself time. Time to actually collect those pieces back up and be with myself. I will be okay.

PATIENCE. TRUST. UNDERSTANDING. PMA. ❤

Treat Yo Self With Reality

IMG_8040The post with all the honesty.

For few days, I’ve been really not okay. The old wanted to come to play and mess with my head. The fear of loosing something that has found it’s way to my heart, and possibly break it into million pieces. The fear of failing and not being able to do what I know in my heart to be right. The reality of it all exploding in front of me and me not having anything to stop it.

The level of me being hard on myself is something I wish I could delete completely at times. The amount of strength I expect from myself at times is just mind blowing.

But also the level of not giving myself credit for how strong I am is mind blowing. I’ve always been good at that. I really, really, want to get better at that. And probably am, without realizing it.

Yesterday I let my old ways let my whole being feel like I’m nothing and will ever be. That I’m still the same as before, which is obviously an utter bullshit. And I know that, but I felt just weak and shitty and heartbroken. So I made myself believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life and that no one wants to be my friend. I made myself feel like shit, because I know too well how that works. It gives you this blanket of comfort and you can just be miserable there alone with self pity on all time high.

And then I got the biggest bitch slap of all time from Universe.

I actually went for a run with other people, and once I saw the pure amount of those people, my breathing just wanted to stop working. I was absolutely terrified. All those feelings of leaving behind and not being able to keep up and by that feeling like I’m nothing and not good enough and just shitty came back.

A hug from a dear friend, made the panic ease up a bit. I realized that there were people I know and who were happy to see me. There was bitch slap number 1. And there was quite a few coming…

All of sudden I wasn’t afraid. I forgot to be afraid. I almost felt excited. I felt happy to have few friends to call my anchors. I found a place next to them when we started running. And I felt so strong! I wasn’t the slowest one who was leaving behind. I wasn’t that one! Bitch slap number 2.

I was running and staring at this guys legs while they stepped on the ground and followed the pace of them, noticed that it matched mine. I felt strong and like I have this all warrior me back in me. I’m not going to give up this easy.

And I remember thinking if I’m being selfish for moving forward in the group of runners or should I stay with my friends, like they have with me before. And on one point I did wait for a friend, because he’s been there for me. Even though he said that just go, I just said to him that I’m not going to leave you. And really realized that that’s me. But I am also allowed to be selfish and move forward, just like he said. Bitch slap number 3. So I ran faster, the pace my legs wanted to go and was with the first ones in the group and felt so comfortable. I was able to do something I’ve only almost done in my sleep. Feel that strong.

Give yourself a break, something I’ve heard a lot these past days from my closest people.

To understand how much have happened in the time I’ve been in Copenhagen, will probably take a lot of time. When you’re in it all, it’s really hard to see how much it truly is. Two weeks is nothing, and in my head everything should be done already. And while nothing being done yet, makes me feel like the biggest failure, hearing few nice words about it all from a friend, makes me feel like I still have hope. Which I obviously have, more than I even can understand. I’ve just lost my faith in this all a bit. And that’s normal.

I always go into everything with so much heart that I forgot how I need to say that I need help too. I am so open that if you want to rip my heart to pieces, it’s almost there for you to on a platter. Not that I want anyone to do that, and I’m pretty sure I’m stronger than before to let that happen.

I suck at being mad at people. I’ve been fighting my whole life so hard that at one point I just stopped fighting for useless shit. I was tired of fighting. It felt like a thing that will never take me anywhere other than feeling even worse. So I stopped. But I think I forgot a bit that it’s okay to feel the feeling of being mad at times, if there’s a reason for it. And this morning I all of sudden was so pissed off, for a reason. But it surprised me because it’s so long since I felt like that the last time. In a way it was very welcome, as I don’t want to be one of those that never get mad and then the whole thing would explode or something. Doubt that I would do that as my honesty usually keeps me sane when it comes to that, but still.

So there’s a time to be mad for a reason and that’s completely okay. Do not suck it in!

When I’ve been talking with people and saying that I know that I want to concentrate on myself and not anyone else, I’ve been probably saying that more to myself than what I really felt. That’s okay too. Being fucking terrified of life in general, is okay. It really is terrifying at times, have you ever jumped and followed your heart… Shit!

The days here that I’ve decided to do something and then done nothing but been exhausted, I forgive myself and don’t need to feel like shit. I don’t have to always be able to push through.

The days when a friend don’t understand that I really need them, it’s okay too. Even though it’s crazy hard for me to ask for help and it’s a big deal for me to do it, still it’s okay. We all have our own lives to live and sometimes we say things that might not be true to avoid situations or to say that I can’t right now. But I have more friends than only one these days, which I have to remind myself of at times. I am that lucky now! How crazy is that?!

To be honest I have no idea how I keep going at times, I just can’t give up anymore. I have no idea why and how I love as much as I do, I just don’t know how to close my heart anymore. I don’t have any idea why I understand so much and forgive so easily. Maybe someone did some kind of open heart surgery to me one night and cleaned all the webs and don’ts and old scars, and left it as open it is now. To be just ready for give it all out.

There’s few things in life that I really wish to have. Really simple ones. To be hugged by that one, whose hugs feel like you’re inside of a cloud of safety and peace. To be able to call a place home, with my name on the door. To go on a long walks and just be quiet but so comfortable. Maybe one day see a smile from my own baby, the look I see in my friend and her baby. I’ve finally realized that I want to look down on my body and smile at that huge belly one day. I want to have great conversations with so many different routes in it that you don’t always know how it’s possible to still keep it alive. To laugh so much that tears fall down your cheeks. To always remember that the simple, tiniest things are the biggest. I want kisses to my forehead. I want to dance without care in the world. I want to cry with my whole body, and let it all out. I want to have my own little garden and look at things grow. I want to be that romantic sop that I actually am but never have let out. I want to do things to others that I’ve always thought to be a bit stupid but means so much to me. I want to feel things, to the max and back.  I want to share my life with someone who thinks probably most of the time that how do I love that one so much, she’s crazy, but still the best thing in the world.

We all make our lives at times way harder than they should be. The pressure we feel from outside, the one which has nothing to do with us in reality, makes us make decisions that just aren’t right. I’ve done all of that, more than I wish to count. But I broke away and free from that once again, and I really want to try to keep it in my head that all will be okay. Give yourself a chance to be happy, just happy. And enjoy those moments and hold them closer than anything else. Patience. Love. Understanding. Smiles. Hugs. And a bit more love. That’s all we need.

Give yourself a break. ❤