Letting Go 2015 Like An Old Lover. Welcoming 2016 Like The Me I Am Now

img_2816“I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I AM MYSELF.” ❤

Until 2015, I feel like I’ve only lived for others. I started my journey to Me in 2015, but fell for my old habits and forgot how and who I am. This is almost like my manifesto to myself, in the most honest way possible.

2015 has been all about finding and learning who I am and what I want, who I truly am under all that fear of myself. It has been about heartbreak, love, pain, confusion, finding myself, conquering my fears, going after my goals for the first time ever, freedom, learning to love the skin I’m in and saying goodbye to people and habits I’ve outgrown or who are bad for me and my life.

I also made myself do a list of who I am. I am strong, passionate, talented, caring, special, loving, artistic, capable, beautiful, creative, loyal, trustworthy, sexy, warrior, deserving, enough, open, honest, brave, sucker for love, supporting. I know I am more than those but giving who I am and how hard making a list like that is, I am very proud of myself for getting those down. 

For the past week I’ve gone through the whole year over with myself, really pushed myself to deal certain things, to let go of others and forgive the ones that feel that hardest. I knew that I needed to do that, to be alone even though all of sudden it felt so scary, the one thing I usually enjoy too much. I knew that my broken self can still be whole in front of certain people, my brokenness doesn’t mean that I’m not okay, it means I’m strong enough to admit certain things to myself and give myself the push I need to deal and let go of them. Without the heartbreaks of 2015, I would not have woken up to the Me I really am. In 2015 I learned who I am as a woman, learned what that means, entails, empowers me and others, what I deserve and can say No to!

There’s moments when I realize things about myself and I need to write them down, this was one of them: You’re not any readier than they are to love again, so don’t push them and most of all, do not push yourself.

I know that these aren’t the things that we should be open and honest about, because at times it feels that we need to be all about slaying all and be good with ourselves, but letting go of a love that you had for someone, whether they hurt you or not, is HARD, whether you know the decision to be right. In short that shit hurts, because there’s people who take a bit more of your heart than you ever expected to happen. And even though I know that it’s the right thing to be alone now, my whole being rebels against that, not all the time but there are moments.

I’m one of those who fall hard, I love hard, I believe in the good of others hard with the notion that I might get hurt hard. I tend to open my heart in a way that it’s super easy to rip it open if you don’t respect the openness of it. I don’t second guess my gut feeling about how I feel about someone and how I see the good in them, even if they don’t see it themselves.

The love I wish to give and have is who I am, open and honest. I am tired of hiding or filtering my love and feelings in general. I’ve done that for most of my life. I want to be able to show my love and not have to think about if it’s okay. I wish to have that kind of love in return as well. A love that looks like that person who is proud to have my kind of love without wanting to push it down or me being someone else I am. No more filtering love.

I think I’ve finally stopped apologizing how and who I am. That was one big thing I learned in 2015. This is who I am, whether you like me or not, this is Me. In 2016 I want to truly be brave and let myself be Me, all of Me. To get to know that Me that I am, but have been hiding from myself.

” Be a better You, for You.”

– Sonya Teclai

There’s certain things that make you, force you to realize that you won’t be here forever. You look at your body and how it has changed, you know that it doesn’t work the same way it did couple of years ago. You look at your skin and how there’s lines that weren’t there maybe a week ago, but in the same time they make you look so much more beautiful. They show the life you’ve lived, the pain you’ve cried through, the smiles you’ve smiled with cheeks in pain. Growing up and older can be scary, but I’ve decided to at least try to embrace the journey of it all.

You feel the pressure of doing things you want to do before it’s too late, but at the same time you don’t want to rush through life, you want to really enjoy the moments.

You want to be true and honest with and to yourself, while being so confused with that all in the midst of feeling exactly certain who that is.

You want to take risks to be sure that you live but at the same time want to be in control of what happens when you take those risks. How to trust the jump when you have no certainty in what will come after you jump.

“I tell you what freedom is. No fear!”

– Nina Simone

How to balance those things you have raging in you. How to be happy with being alone when people around you are so far from that exact thing. How to be those two you’s that you are, how to live as one with them both. How to be that outdoorsy, less is more person and that ambitious, brave career woman who wants to be great at what she does. But isn’t it a balance that the other needs from the other? That is something I will tackle now. Learn how to make those equally good in me that I am in peace. Right now it feels a bit like I have to choose, but then it would mean that I need to choose one from two passions of mine and I’m not ready or willing to do anything like that. I don’t feel that I need to.

I remember how I said almost a year ago how I feel that my life just started for the first time, now more than ever I feel that, really feel it hard. I feel how fast time moves on but I want to forget rushing through it all. I want to forget the lure of being in a hurry. I can be and will be the best Me I can when I respect the both sides of me. I need to be, for myself, patient in what I’ve wished for my life to be earlier, when I realize that it’s exactly that now. Like I wrote before, watch what you wish for…

I don’t want to do any resolutions for 2016. I want to be able to listen to myself on a daily basis and really take the moments I have without hurry. I want to keep being honest about how I feel, especially if someone feels special to me, we don’t have enough time to not say those things, even if we don’t get anything back. I want to be patient and gentler to myself, more mercy. Past is past for a reason. Now is now for even bigger reason. Live in the now, not past or future, now. That’s my Note To Self.

MORE LOVE. MORE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. MORE SPONTANOUS ADVENTURES. MORE HONESTY AND BEING OPEN. MORE RESPECT TO ONE ANOTHER. MORE BRAVE ME AND MORE PMA ❤

 

 

 

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Goals 2015

IMG_5061Yeah, I know it’s been really, really long since my last post.

Not an excuse, but my life has been a bit full of stuff and I just didn’t have the energy to write, even though I knew that it will make me feel a lot better. But I am still here! 🙂

I actually have this huge to do list of post to write on here, but I decided to start from this. It’s been bubbling in my mind since the Copenhagen Half and now that I have started to do things to make this all work, I thought that it’s time!IMG_5042SO.

When I was still in Copenhagen I got the chance to go and run trails, something that I have been dreaming to do since I started running. I knew really early on that there is something in trailrunning that would be my thing. And once I was running with a dear friend in a beautiful forest, I knew. I was in my happyplace. I could breath, I could just be free and enjoy and love. It was like this huge door opened and I knew that I will be okay.

Actually on the day when I knew that I will move to Copenhagen, I signed for my first trail Ultra. So before that happyplace run I already knew that this will be my thing. It’s going to be in Denmark, on an island called Bornholm. It’s called Fyr til Fyr, which means and will be from one lighthouse to another next to the sea, so hey I am in heaven with my love for the sea and seagulls :).IMG_5058Now that I am back home in Finland, I only run or I try to run only in a forest which we have here where I live a lot. It makes me feel so much better with everything I have going in my life. I feel free, calm, in peace, so happy and just challenged. Challenged in a way that I haven’t ever been before. The truth is that I have always been a bit afraid of forests, even though I spent a lot of time in them when I was a kid, but I was never alone and I didn’t have THIS high flying imagination ;).

But I love the challenge of embracing the nature and yourself and your fears. If you have imagination like mine, it will be a challenge. All the cracks and swooshes and this and that and realising that some of the noises come from your clothes. And from having a friend that feeds your imagination (you know who you are 😉 )…

In the beginning of my journey but I know that it will be great!IMG_4980Yesterday, first of October, I started another challenge, called #everyday30days. It’s a challenge started by an amazing runner in Hong Kong and then passed on to second runner in New York, from there to another amazing runner in New York, then to Toronto and to my friend in Singapore. He then asked me that would I be interested to take the torch next and with everything that has been going on I was honored and really happy to challenge myself a bit more :). So if you are interested in this journey, check that hashtag in Instagram.IMG_5038SO AGAIN.

Here’s “Goals2015”.

I have a goal of running three, yes three, trail Ultras next year! Maybe more, as now I found some in Finland that I would love to do too haha! 😀

I started thinking about what to do to be ready physically and mentally for this challenge. I have a routine going “slow and strong” forward and I will tell you more about that soon. But now you all know about my goals, just my little dreams that everyone probably has, don’t they?! 🙂

I have been working so hard for my own happiness for the past two years that I am courageous enough to make this big plans for my future. I know inside of myself that I can do this. I have it in me. Now harder work begins than ever before, but I feel ready!IMG_4947This is my #UNDOORDINARY

 

All This New

IMG_4244Yes, all this new!

I was on a long walk today with my dog and realised that I really just want to move already. It was one of the funniest feelings in a very long time.

Just last week I made the decision that I will move back to Finland, where I haven’t lived in 2 years. Oh, it will be so interesting to go back.

I will definitely have some kind of super reverse culture shock. That will be interesting!

I am also filled with ideas what to do, how to make my blog better and more this and that. My head is just bubbling with ideas. It hasn’t been this giddy in long time, so this is nice :).

Things that also make me happy about moving back are things like, finally going to start yoga at my friends yogastudio, Pihasali. I’m finally going to learn how to knit, thanks to my Mom. I get to go to the gym with my rockstar Mom, muscles here I come! I get to see my friends more than one afternoon in 6 months. And I get to see my family!

But the main thing for me is that I actually want to move and go back there. I haven’t wanted that in 2 years. I really didn’t want to go back.

For me going back before was like the biggest loser mark on my forehead. Like I gave up on something. But hell no I am not!

How much have I changed in these 2 years?! Insanely.

Did I care about myself two years ago, not much. Did I run and have friends all over the world, nope. Was I part of the best running crew, Still Waters Run Deep, well hell no I wasn’t. But now I am. And in a week I get to run with my crewmates in my Granmas honor here in Copenhagen! BOOM!

I have a feeling that there are some big things poppin’ soon! So I have planned and I believe that the universe agrees with me!

So let’s just end this to an super positive note!

Gratitude. PMA. Peace. Love. Blessed. Undoordinary. Breath. YES!IMG_4729

 

1000 km

Boom, I did it!! I finally broke the 1000!!

I have to say that I am extremely proud of myself :). It took me 127 runs to get to 1000km, not bad I would say!

I feel that as I’m getting closer to turning 30 the better life feels and looks! I don’t really know what I believe in but I feel super blessed. The main thing for me is that I am believing in myself and realizing that it’s because of myself that things are getting better and that I’m getting new opportunities in life. It’s my work and what I’ve done that takes me forward, and that is awesome!

For so long I didn’t love or even like myself and to be here now! In a way it’s crazy but oh so awesome!

I can’t wait what my positivity has in store for me 🙂 !!

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Finding Yourself…Why So Difficult?!

I came back to Germany with super determined mind of finding and doing those things that I wanted or felt that were left undone. Now I’m here and feel extremely lost… I have these fragments of ideas in my head of what I want to do but then it stops…

On monday my Half Marathon training started and even though I was running everyday on December, this is different. It’s not only running a lot, it’s running with a plan and some structure. For me, as I have been running mostly with a feeling this is a new and little confusing thing, but easier than finding myself and figuring what to do.

I have dreams of studying but what and where and how?! I am terrified of studying as I have always been super bad at it, partly because of my dyslexia but also because I don’t think I believe in myself enough to start something like that.

I’ve always sucked at starting something and following it through, and now I’m almost 30 and feel more like some 16 year old trying to figure out what to do when I grow up…

I have plans and hopes, like start my own running crew (it’s already kind of going to that it’s on way), then I wish to make this blog as good so that I could maybe make money with it, study running coaching and nutrition, runrunrun and run, be Undoordinary Girl. I think deep down inside I just wish to be someone that could help others in their journeys, like I have gotten from so many on my journey.

Fear is a killer and I’m realizing it again and again…